Olivia lets him comfort her for all of two minutes before she's gently shoving him away and retrieving her wine glass.

She thrusts the open bottle into his hands. "You can pour your own since you're so intent on making yourself at home here."

He sighs. This was going to be a long night.

They eat in silence on opposite ends of the couch — some old syndicated sitcom playing low in the background — and Elliot can't help but notice that it's 6 days before Christmas and you'd never know it by looking at the inside of her apartment.

He knows she's never been big on the holiday, that it holds a lot of complicated emotions for her, but he can't ever recall a year where she just let it go by unnoticed without at least something to mark the occasion.

"No Christmas decorations this year?" he asks casually, taking a sip of his wine.

"Haven't had much time." She shrugs. "And I haven't exactly been in the spirit this year," she says, shooting him a look.

He swallows, wincing. "Fair enough."

She huffs under her breath, tearing a hand through the long silky strands of her hair. She's always been gorgeous — stupidly hot — but he doesn't know what it is about this version of her that makes him feel dumb and inept and wishing he had a bottle of water on him at all times to take care of his dry mouth.

"Stop looking at me like that." Her tone shoots for commanding but her demeanor is all flustered, betraying her.

"Like what?" he shoots back.

"Like you've seen me naked."

He smirks. "Well, half -"

"Elliot," she interrupts impatiently. "You bullied your way in here because you wanted to talk. So talk."

He sucks in a breath. "I wanted to apologize - "

"Do we really need to revisit that? You're sorry, I got it," she says, all sarcasm.

God, she's so fucking infuriating sometimes that he just wants to wring her neck. "Jesus Christ, Olivia, would you just listen?" he snaps. "That's not what I'm apologizing for right now."

Olivia sighs, leaning back against the couch, clutching her glass in her hands. "Elliot, I'm too tired to play this game. What are you talking about?"

"Look," he begins, his stomach twisting uncomfortably. "I made a really big mistake with you and me -"

"I kno - "

"No, I mean - five years ago."

Her eyes widen, surprised. "What?"

"I love my children more than anything," he rasps, staring down at the clasp of his hands over his knees. "And if things hadn't happened the way they did, I never would've had Eli."

"I know you do, Elliot," she replies softly.

"What you don't know," he hesitates, "Is that I've been in love with you for years." Fuck, there it is. "And I didn't know how to handle it."

She goes completely still next to him, wordless and unmoving, and he can't bring himself to tear his eyes away from his hands, avoiding whatever battle is waiting for him in the lines of her face, the inferno in her eyes.

Time creeps by and it feels like hours when he's sure it's only been minutes and it's so quiet in her apartment that he startles at the honk of a horn outside.

Then - "So what, you deal with it by crawling back home and screwing your wife?" she whispers, biting.

His eyes slam closed. Well, he can't say he wasn't expecting this. "I didn't know how to deal with it, Liv," he repeats again. "Things were so rocky with you and me for over a year and every time things got tough, you ran away."

"Oh-ho," she laughs in disbelief. "And you didn't?"

He frowns. "I never - "

"Don't get this twisted, Elliot," she hisses, jaw set. "Yeah, I left you for Computer Crimes. You want to chalk my UC op in Oregon up to running away? Okay. But if the narrative here is that I ran away from our problems, let's not pretend like you don't have equal fucking culpability here."

She pauses and he looks over to find her gaze so cold and dull on his that it makes him shiver. "Because you're kidding yourself if you think that rushing into the arms of Dani Beck and Kathy Stabler isn't your own fucked up version of running away from the two of us."

His mouth opens soundlessly, he closes it, taken aback. "You knew about me and Dani?"

She rolls her eyes, getting up from her seat. "Christ, Elliot. Anyone with a pair of working eyes in their head knew about you and Dani. You're not exactly subtle."

"But you never saw us together."

Pain briefly flickers in her gaze before she tucks it away. "I did, once." She looks away from him, brushing a thumb across her brow. "About a week before I joined you on the Masoner case, I came into the precinct to talk to Cragen."

"You talked to Cragen and not me?" he asks, offended.

"I asked her for you. You were in interrogation," Olivia snaps, crossing her arms over her chest. "And then…" she trails off, her irritation dissipating into hurt. "I saw you together from a window in Cragen's office and I just… knew."

Fuck, what a mess.

He suspected maybe she had an inkling — he'd been out of it multiple times on that first case back together, calling the vic Dani — but he didn't know she…

"She didn't mean anything to me, Olivia. And we only kissed - "

A pained noise escapes her as she lifts a hand to stop him. "Elliot - "

"Once. And I never wanted her - "

Olivia lifts an eyebrow in disbelief. "You didn't?" she huffs out.

"No, I didn't. Dani was…" He rubs a tight spot at the back of his neck as he struggles to find the words he needs. "She was safer because there was nothing to lose," he admits. "I know how screwed up that sounds, I do. But it's the truth. I wanted you."

Olivia's chin drops to her chest as she pinches the bridge of her nose. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Liv - "

"No, Elliot. We can admit we made mistakes back then, but it doesn't change anything. At the end of the day, you went back to your wife. And eventually - " she breaks off, pressing her lips together. "Eventually, I made peace with that. It sucked, but I accepted that you and I would never be more than partners, best friends. And you know," She looks up, eyes shiny as she bites down on her lip, "I'd never felt closer to you than I did in those last two years and then - "

"I left," he finishes for her.

"Yeah," she replies weakly. "You left."

"Olivia, do you know why that day scared the shit out of me? The day I killed that girl?"

"Why?" she sighs, hand slapping against her thigh. She's wiped, defeated, and he knows he has to get through to her in the next couple of minutes if he wants any chance at being part of her life ever again.

"Because I killed her so I wouldn't lose you."

All the color drains out of her face. "What the hell does that mean?"

"It means that Jenna Fox had that gun pointed on that piece of shit in holding, but all I saw was you."

"No." Olivia shakes her head fiercely. "No, it was a good shooting."

"Yeah," he croaks out in agreement. "She might've gotten more shots off if I hadn't stopped her. Mighta killed more people. But it was for all the wrong reasons." His breath is shaky, stuttering in his chest and he has to wipe his sweaty palms over his denim-clad thighs. "And she was just a kid."

Olivia softens. "Elliot - "

"She was just a kid, Olivia."

Olivia lets her back fall gently against the wall, like she doesn't trust her own feet to keep her standing anymore. "So you left," she repeats slowly, blinking at him in realization.

He gets up, restless, cannot sit for one more fucking second so he starts to pace the floor in front of her. "It's like, I'm looking at her, at this… teenager and I'm right back in that fucking bus terminal again," he grates out, swiping at his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she whispers.

He stops in front of her and oh, the way she's looking at him — heartbroken and miserable under the weight of it all — has him desperate and reaching for her, one of his hands lifting to curve around the side of her neck. "If I heard your voice…" he sighs, his thumb brushing along her ear. "I wouldn't have been able to leave."

Elliot watches her intently, anxious to know what she's thinking as her eyes flutter closed, her head nodding slow, repeatedly, in his hand. Her fingers reach up to play at the long chain around her neck — his medallion.

"It's why I sent you this," he says gently, his other hand coming up to cover hers, sweeping along her breast bone. She shudders under his touch. "I hoped it would do the talking for me until I came back to you."

"Semper Fi," she recalls quietly, licking her lips.

He leans down to rest his forehead against hers. "Always faithful," he swears, a promise meant only for her.

Her hand at her chest stills under his fingers. "You really hurt me, Elliot."

"I know and I'm so sorry, Olivia. But please…" He sighs. "Please just let me love you."

Elliot pulls his head back as he waits her out, his heart thudding loudly in his chest. She opens her eyes and they're dark, tired, but gentle, he thinks.

Hopes.

"I just need some time, okay?" she asks. Her body betrays her a little, he thinks as she cants into the hand cupping her cheek. "A few days to…process all this. Think it over."

He'll take it. "But you believe me?"

"Yeah," she sighs, leaning down to bury her face into his chest. Her shoulders drop and he thinks maybe she's finally putting her weapon down. "I believe you."

One more (somewhat smutty) chapter after this.

Liv