Naruto was just casually strolling through the streets, enjoying his self-given free day, when he saw a lone man sitting beneath a tree, giggling like a madman.

Was that not the original Naruto's sensei? What was his name again?

Keisuke? Kenji? Karin?

No, wait. That was a female name.

Naruto scratched his head and shrugged.

Curious, he walked up a nearby tree and crawled over the branches until he was hovering directly over the man and attempted to peek at the book.

The man beneath the tree did not move. Naruto blinked and leaned forward.

"If you bend down even further, you are going to fall down," someone suddenly spoke up next to him.

Naruto let out a startled yelp and flapped his arms to regain his balance. It made things even worse. He lost his footing and tipped forward. A strong hand grabbed his collar just as his feet had left the solid branch, and Naruto was left dangling from the man's fist.

"I warned you," the man informed him cheerfully and gave Naruto a once over. "You're a scrawny thing, aren't you?"

Naruto huffed. "Says the one looking like a scarecrow."

"This scarecrow is currently preventing you from falling," Scarecrow commented easily, "don't you think you should be a bit more respectful?"

Naruto glanced at the orange book in the clone's hand and shrugged. "Nope."

Scarecrow sighed. "What a pity."

He released his grip.

Naruto yelped as the ground came rapidly closer, but was caught by two arms only seconds before a painful impact.

"You…," Naruto glared at the clone who had just caught him, "are mean." In retaliation, he turned in the man's arms, snatched the orange book out of his pouch, and vanished into the shrubbery.

Scarecrow's angry yell followed after him.

Mei-chan whimpered quietly under Akinari's warm hands. The ropes securing her arm bit tightly into her wrist. Akinari gently wrapped his strong palm around the fragile ankle and closed the ninja-wire snugly around it.

Naruto stared at the writing. "Just what kind of shoddy porn is this? 'Wrapped the ninja-wire snugly around it'. Who the hell uses the word snugly? That's not erotic at all."

Naruto made a tsk-like sound. "Honestly, that thing is trash."

Suddenly, a shadow fell over Naruto. "What did you just say?" The voice was dangerously quiet. "Did you just call my book trash?"

Naruto waved said book in front of the man's face. "Of course, it's trash. The writing is terrible and lacks any kind of erotic tension. Not to mention that bondage-style is completely ridiculous. Honestly, if you can get off on that, I am feeling sorry for you."

Scarecrow moved too fast for Naruto's eyes. All he knew was that at one moment he had been crouching on the floor and the next he was flat on his stomach, the man's knee pressing him to the ground.

"Let me see," Scarecrow muttered. "How did it go again?" He flipped his book open. "Ah yes, the arms first."

Something thin was fastened around his wrists, and Naruto protested loudly. "Oi!"

The man hummed and turned the page. "Now the feet."

Two hands spread Naruto's legs and wrapped the rope around him until he could no longer move his limbs at all.

Naruto wriggled around and turned his head to glare at the man, yelping slightly when the movement caused a knot to rub over his sensitive parts.

Scarecrow smiled pleasantly at him and crouched down to pat his head. "Personally, I think it's a very effective style if applied correctly. Don't you agree?"

Naruto huffed. "No, it's not. I can still do this!" He channeled his chakra and focused it on the ropes.

Something sizzled.

"Ha, I did –" He stopped when a fresh breeze suddenly brushed over his uncovered skin.

There was a moment of silence as both of them stared at the ashes that had been his clothes only moments before.

"The ropes are chakra-resistant," Scarecrow finally informed him dryly.

"I can see that!"

Of course, this was the moment Sable appeared.

The ANBU was silent as he took in the picture. Naruto, tied-up and naked; stretched out prone in front of a crouching jonin who had his hand in Naruto's hair, an opened edition of "Icha Icha Paradise" laying next to him.

Scarecrow smiled at him. "Yo! What brings you here?" he asked conversationally, not embarrassed at all.

Naruto grinned. "Hello, ANBU-chan! When are you finally going to change your pants? If you keep wearing them, they will fall off one day."

Sable ignored him. "I have been sent to retrieve the boy in your hands, Hatake-san, but he appears to be quite tied up at the moment."

Hatake hummed. "This rascal ran off with my precious."

"It's trash!" Naruto interjected, "there is nothing precious about it!"

Scarecrow pushed his head to the ground. It did not stop Naruto from continuing his destructive evaluation, though: "I am really wondering if the author ever got laid at all. He used snugly in a porn book, for kami's sake! And the main protagonist's breasts are way too big! With that weight, there's no way she could walk straight. It's the worst and shoddiest book I've – oomph"

Naruto yelped as Scarecrow shoved one of his spare masks into his mouth and tossed him towards his minder. "Here you go. One unruly genin to go, nicely packaged."

Scarecrow waved at the ANBU, grabbed his book, and vanished, giggling happily.

Naruto was left alone with his minder.

Who gave him a once over.

"Despite your complaints, you do seem to like it rough."

Naruto followed his gaze and bristled.

That was this damn knot's fault.

"It would be inappropriate to bring you in like this," the man mused, sounding as indifferent as ever. "We shall make a short detour."

Five minutes later a yell could be heard as Uzumaki Naruto tried to escape the hands pushing him into the cold river.

He failed.

"Are we there yet?" Naruto demanded to know and attempted to peek over the ANBU's shoulder. "Where are we going anyway? Have you finally decided to buy yourself some new clothes? About time. Hey, can I get some, too? The breeze is getting a bit too fresh. And when are you going to take these ropes off? By the way, have I told you that you could really do with a new haircut?"

The man remained silent.

"Hey, ANBU-chan. Are you playing hard to get now? First, you get me all wet, and now you are as cold as ice. Are you willing to sacrifice our love?"

Sable tightened his grip.

"Sable."

The ANBU stopped when he heard the voice. "Commander, Eagle, Raccoon."

"Oh?" Naruto commented cheerfully, "So we are visiting a zoo? Can I go and pet the rabbits?"

"Be quiet," Sable ordered him sharply.

Naruto huffed. "But I told you the first time we met that I was a screamer. Don't tell me you are having commitment issues now. Wait, is that our first fight? I heard the nights after that are amazing."

Someone snorted. "So this is the kid? I see he's really as mouthy as they say. Why is he naked?"

"Hatake, commander," Sable replied, "apparently the brat pissed him off by making off with his book."

"He didn't like my review," Naruto added cheerfully, "It's utter trash. Not my fault he can't stand hearing the truth – and speaking of trash, I can see your low-quality sandals peeking up at me. If you don't replace them soon, the strap will rip. You should never skimp on shoes, you know."

There was a moment of tense silence, then: "Hokage-sama has granted you permission to utilize our training grounds. Use ground four today."

Sable nodded. "Yes, sir."

"Good. Dismissed."

"The seams on your jacket are rather poorly done, too. You should replace it. Hey, ANBU-chan, can we go see the petting zoo now? Do they have sheep there? I love sheep. Old MacDonald had a farm, Ee a ee a oh! And on that farm he had some sheep, Ee a ee a oh! With a baa-baa here, And a baa-baa there –"

"Sable."

"Yes, sir?"

"Silence him."

"Yes, sir."

A cloth was shoved into Naruto's mouth just as he was about to baa again.

Ground four turned out to be some kind of trap-filled training ground from hell. Naruto took one look at the monstrosity and immediately decided to retire.

Sadly, his petition for early retirement received an immediate rejection.

"What about invalidity pension?"

"No," Sable replied flatly.

"But I am missing a foot."

"No, you aren't."

"If I put a henge on it, I do."

"You have three seconds. If you have not moved by then, there will be consequences."

"Fine." Naruto took a step back. "Look, I've moved."

"You –"

Suddenly the door was thrown open. "Sable, code yellow! The Forbidden Scroll has been stolen. We have orders to search the village."

Sable nodded sharply. "Understood."

Naruto had been unceremoniously thrown out. He was not unhappy about this development at all.

Whoever the thief was, he thanked him wholeheartedly.

The Forbidden Scroll, huh?

Where had he heard that name before?

Deep in thought, he rounded the corner.

Suddenly something heavy hit him on the head and Naruto landed harshly on his backside.

"Oi! What was that?!"

He rubbed his throbbing forehead and looked up to see a shadow vanish over the rooftop.

Just what had happened?!

He looked around to see just what had knocked him over and espied a scroll a few steps away.

Curious, Naruto walked over and picked it up.

He glanced towards the rooftop, but the shadow had vanished.

Shrugging to himself, he pocketed the scroll and continued on his way home.

Naruto entered his apartment building and closed the door behind him just moments before the ANBU appeared on the street; quickly following after the shadowed figure.

It was over a green tea that Naruto realized what he had just conveniently found. He idly wondered if that might have been Death's doing.

He took the last sip out of his cup and stared at the form the leaves had taken.

It was a chair.

Yep, definitely Death's doing.

"I want to quit!" He told the cup seriously.

The leaf-chair broke.

Geez.

That deity was really petty.