Uzumaki Naruto was on a mission. Not one of these boring village missions. He would have skipped those, anyway. No, he was on a private mission.

Naruto was running low on cord and the local grocery store was only selling cheap quality stuff.

There was no way he would subject his flies to this atrocious torture!

He needed the good stuff–and he needed it yesterday.

But this was not something he could acquire inside Konoha.

There was, however, a small settlement two hours away that was rather famous for its needlework.

Naruto was sure he would get some good cord there.

All he needed was a distraction.

He peered at the scroll that had been so conveniently delivered to him.

The Third had been enjoying his crisis-free day, idly reading through the newest Icha Icha edition, when the Naruto-induced calamity hit him by surprise.

He barely had enough time to shove his book into the drawer before he was swarmed by a mob of angry shinobi.

"Hokage-sama! Uzumaki has painted the Hokage monument!"

"Hokage-sama! Uzumaki is criticizing all my customers' fashion choices!

"Hokage-sama! Uzumaki has repainted the new batch of ANBU masks!"

"Hokage-sama! I have found a fly in my soup!"

Everyone turned to stare at the chunin who had just made the last complaint. "It was handcrafted," he added weakly when he saw the incredulous looks directed towards him.

There was a moment of silence before a collective "Ah" went through the room as the occupants realized the validity of his complaint.

Then the commotion started anew.

"Hokage-sama…"

"Uzumaki..."

"Red paint…"

"My trench coats…black leather pants."

The Third's head throbbed.

That was not how he had pictured his day to go.

"Hokage-sama!"

"Enough!" the Hokage finally bellowed, at the end of his patience. "ANBU! Get Naruto! Now!"

Naruto grinned happily at the bag in his hands. He had been right.

They did sell some good cord over there.

He whistled cheerfully and walked down the street leading back to Konoha when he saw something strange.

A masked guy with green-red eyes was wrapping a tendril around a defeated shinobi.

Naruto immediately understood the severity of the situation.

He screeched, "It's a tentacle monster!" and fled down the path that would carry him home - only to get intercepted by a man wielding a gigantic scythe.

Naruto looked from the hideous cloud-patterned robe to the oversized weapon. "Woah. Talk about overcompensating."

The unhinged grin on the man's face was replaced by a dark scowl. "I'm not overcompensating, you fucking brat!"

Naruto thought he sounded like a religious maniac screaming blasphemy.

He ignored the man's indignant expression in favor of pressing his bag protectively against his chest with his left hand, while his right index finger pointed accusingly at the clothing eyesore. "What in kami's name are you wearing?! Robes have been out since last century, and the cut on your sleeve is so last season! And what is it with these shoddy red clouds? The patterns are completely uneven. They look like they have been drawn by a child with no sense for coordination and–wait, are your nails painted?!"

"I'll sacrifice you to Jashin-sama!" the man yelled furiously and brought his scythe down - only to drop it with a pained scream. "What the fuck?! Uchiha!"

Uchiha?

What was Sasuke doing here?

He turned to look at his former classmate and met the glowing red eyes of a black-haired man. "You are not Sasuke," he blurted out immediately.

Wait.

Red eyes?
Glowing?

That could only mean one thing.

Naruto scooted backwards.

"You are a vampire!" he accused the newcomer.

Just where the hell had he landed here?! First tentacle monsters, now bloodsucking glamor boys.

The vampire frowned. "I am not a vampire." His pronunciation sounded rather strange.

Naruto scoffed. That was what they always said.

Mr-I-am-not-a-vampire looked at the overcompensating guy. "You cannot kill him. He is still needed."

Now, talk about being ominous. Naruto could practically feel the impeding doom.

But really, convenient outside interference?

Was this the so-called protagonist halo?

If yes, it was very dapper.

Overcompensating-guy let out a rather displeased snarl and cradled his hand. "Who the hell would need this damn brat?" he snapped.

"He is the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki, " the vampire replied, and Naruto scoffed at Konoha's sheer inability to keep a crucial secret…well secret.

It did not speak well of their internal security that a random, badly dressed vampire knew about him.

"Leader-sama would be most displeased if you threw his plans back by killing him now," the vampire added.

Naruto was not amused.

Wonderful. There was another one of them. He really hoped this "Leader-sama" had a better fashion sense than his subordinates.

But who was he kidding? That guy had probably designed these atrocious uniforms.

He shuddered.

"This kid holds the Nine Tails?"

Naruto scooted even further away and out of the reaching distance of a randomly appearing tentacle monster.

Of course, it would be interested in the number of his tails.

"What an excellent opportunity." The tentacle monster sounded pleased in a strangely gruff way. "We should not waste it. I suggest we take him now."

Take him?!

Nope. No way he agreed with this plan.

Naruto's eyes narrowed and his hand closed around his kunai. "I really did not want to do this. But you are forcing me to." His voice carried a hint of deep regret.

The men tensed as he brandished his weapon. "I am not going to be done by a tentacle monster!" Naruto declared fiercely.

There was a flash of metal, followed by smoke, and Naruto was gone.

The only thing that remained was a bag filled with cords sitting innocently on the ground.

"That was…," Kakuzu stopped to glare heatedly at a cackling Hidan.

"A shadow clone," Uchiha Itachi agreed. He sounded amused.

"Tentacle monster!"

"Silence, Hidan!"

Hidan's laughter intensified.

Far away in Konoha, one Uzumaki Naruto was crying bitterly over a lost bag of high-quality cord; deeply regretting the sacrifice he had been forced to make.

Until the rumbling of his stomach told him it was time for lunch.

Which was five minutes after his terrible loss.

Happy again, he went to prepare some food.

In retrospect, Naruto mused, staying at home after causing so much trouble had not been his wisest idea.

But, meh, who cared?

He certainly didn't. So, he simply waved at the stone silent ANBU guard that had just tracked him down while he was in the middle of spooning his miso soup.

"Yo, ANBU-chan! Fancy seeing you here!"

"Uzumaki."

Was Naruto mistaken, or was there really a faint note of repressed anger in the man's voice?

Well, so much about ANBU being emotionless.

"Am I in trouble?" Naruto asked. He did not sound like he cared at all and made sure to slurp his next spoon-full with special gusto.

"No." A gloved hand closed around Naruto's collar and yanked. The spoon splashed into the bowl and covered them with droplets of soup. "You are not in trouble. You are screwed."

Naruto hummed. "You are moving quite quickly. Aren't you supposed to invite me to dinner first?"

The man responded by lifting him up and shoving a cloth into his mouth.

"UMPF!"

The Hokage had thought that taking the child to the T&I building would instill some sense of seriousness in him.

But his idea had backfired.

Spectacularly.

Because Naruto was way more concerned with praising an irate Ibiki's leather pants than paying actual attention to his surroundings.

The Third was getting annoyed with this kind of behavior. "Naruto, listen to me!"

To his ire, Naruto simply blinked at him. "Huh? Did you say something? I was so mesmerized by this fashion beauty that I could not hear you."

"Fashion beauty?" Apparently, Ibiki had finally lost whatever patience he had and leaned into Naruto's face. "You replaced my trench coats, brat. You will pay for this."

"I already have," Naruto replied. He sounded improperly cheerful. "I even kept the bill!"

"Hokage-sama," The Third looked at the man, who never took his eyes away from the child. "May I suggest you leave him in my care?"

Leave Naruto with the T&I department? With Morino Ibiki? The Hokage narrowed his eyes. He looked at Naruto. The child was staring past him, mouthing something that looked like a twenty-two, followed by a twenty-three and a twenty-four.

The Third followed his gaze in bemusement and his lips thinned in fury when he realized Naruto had been counting the wall tiles.

The Hokage closed his eyes to calm himself down.

When he opened them again, his gaze was stern. "Since you refuse to cooperate, you will be detained until you have learned to act properly. "

Finally, the child turned to look at him. He did not appear troubled at all.

"I disapprove," the child told him seriously and slammed his head against the table.

The Third jumped up in alarm, but the small figure of Uzumaki Naruto suddenly poofed away.

"That was…," Morino Ibiki mumbled.

"A shadow clone," the Hokage agreed.

Under a calm tree next to the Naka River the real Naruto finally opened his eyes, torn out of his blissful dream by a sharp tug on his fishing rod.