"Who has at least cracked open Tsun Zus Art Of War? Anybody? Anyone?" Blitzo asked his first Second Year Class Of Gryffindor And Slytherin.
Everyone's hands where raised besides Harry's.
"Okay questions and answer time will be after the lesson is over understand? Now is clas time. Now who has at least read the first chapter?"
Several students kept their hands raised including Harry Hermione excellent.
"Excellent now if you haven't at least read 5 chapters by our next lesson I'll give you detention and trust me you don't want to be in my detentions." He flashed sharp teeth at the 12 year old witches and wizards. "As an Ars Goetia Prince Consort I have Diplomatic Immunity."
The not so subtle threat was not lost on any student.
"Alrighty as I said the weeks homework is reading chapters 1-5 and actually trying to understand the material. Now. Who here has questions about our life in Hell?"
Everybody had their hands raised except Draco and Hermione.
"Okay lets play a guessing game. I guess the most common question on all your minds. How did boy wonder end up with a common imp like me?"
A lot of hands went down.
"Alrighty its a very simple story. One day after we got back from a quick kill mission something didn't seem quite right to me-"
"And so I said "want me to be your dad? And that's how Harry became my son. Next question. How did a lowly imp become royalty?"
Many other hands fell.
"Good story one I'll try to keep at least pg-13. See I needed a way to get to the Living World for my Assassin business the Inmidiate Murder Professionals. He waved a hand and the blackboard became a screen.
"Hi I'm Blitz the O is silent and I'm the founder of IMP."
Harry facepalmed. "Satans pale ass cheeks dad."
"Are you a piece of shit who got yourself sent to Hell? Or are you a. Innocent soul who got fucked over by someone else?"
"I never saw the ad before." Hermione said.
"Well thanks to our companies exclusive access to the Living World we can help you with your unfinished business and take out anyone who screwed you over when you where alive!
"When you want somebody gone-"
The class had dropped jaws after.
"So one a month on the full moon I would return the book to Stolas and we would passionately hug all night long. It was about two years after I became Harry's dad that Stolas asked me to be his husband. So now I am Professor Blitz."
Riiinnnggg
"There's the bell. Remember your homework is reading the first five chapters or else you get detention!"
"How'd I do?" Blitz asked Draco Harry and Hermione.
"I thought you where excellent sir You really understand the book." Hermione said in admiration.
"It's one of his favorites he used to read it to me as a bedtime story when I was a toddler." Harry said with a coy smile.
"Now shoo shoo. My first third year class is coming in." He brought out a large mace and swung it above his head.
Deciding now was in fact a good time to leave the trio left. Hermione has to leave to go to Herbology with the Hufflepuffs. Harry and Draco had Charms with Ravenclaw.
Their first DADA with Remus had been an interesting lesson to say the least.
"Please open our books to the chapter on Vampires." The Sandy colored Hellhound said as he wrote Vampires on the blackboard.
He turned around and everyone's hand was up except Harry and Draco's.
"Does anyone have a question. As to the lesson on Vampires or is this about my recent transformation?"
Hands lowered looking embarrassed.
"I know your all curious about this recent discovery of the werewolf condition but do try to stay on subject I am not a freak in a carnival show. I am a Hellhound now. I am furry and I like to be scritched behind my ears and have my tail petted. Questions? Comments?"
The rest of the hands lowered.
"Good. Now Vampires are not quite like what you might read about in popular muggle fiction-"
Collin fluttered about nervously in his first class consisting of seventh year Hufflepuffs and Slytherins.
"Uh, h-hello everyone. I'm Collin. We have no use for surnames in Heaven so Heavenly Beings aren't designated with surnames.
A Hufflepuff student raised her hand. "Do Hellhound Beings use surnames?"
"Excellent question and it all depends on their social standing." Collin said. "An excellent place to start. Social Hierarchies." He turned around mid air and started writing.
Author: I didn't want an under 1000 word chapter so here's a funny little blurb about Blitzo giving Collin a sex Ed lesson.
Alright I'm assuming you know the basics of male female procreation yes?"
"Actually Heavenly brings aren't born through sex therefore we are not born with Original Sin and are born in a state of grace." Collin raised his hand.
"Wait then how are cherubs and angels born?"
"Soul Sorting." Collin explains. "Each Heavenly being is blessed with the Light Of God and given the spark of life from the Creator himself. Then our souls are sorted into various beings. For instance. I was chosen to be a cherubim. But the soul created after me was picked to be an Archangel."
"A caste system?" Blitzo said in shock.
"It's worked for Heaven for Millenia." Collin said.
"Okay well apparently I'm going to need some extra material to explain how sex works.
Blitzo drew a rough diagram of a set of penis and testicles and a vagina. "This is a penis. Or Dick, cock Willy whatever you want to call it. The male takes his dick and inserts it into the vagina thrusting back and forth back and forth bringingpleasire to both parties until one or ideally both parties orgasm. Orgasming for males releases semen, sperm, cum, dick snot again whatever you want to call it. The sperm travels through the woman's anatomy to battle it out to see which of the lucky little bastards gets to fertilize the egg from the woman that just dropped during sex. After being attached to the mother through the umbilical cord and growing for roughly 9 months a baby is born!"
"New Life." Collin said happily.
"Yes its a beautiful thing." Blitzo said. "Now let's move on to your feelings. Homosexuality.
He wrote out Homosexuality on the black board.
"Don't be shy with me this is a safe place to ask questions without being judged."
"Can To males Procreate?"
"That depends. In Hell yes. Male Hellhounds and Imps can become pregnant. To be perfectly honest I'm surprised I've never wound up with another little sibling for Harry Via and Loonie with how much of a hornball my husband is. But in general no two human males cannot Procreate together. Nor can two human females."
"Then what purpose does homosexuality serve? Why do I have these...feelings for Remus?"
"What can I say? Getting the old eggplant in the backdoor funhouse just feels good to guys like us."
"Wouldn't it be painful?"
"Oh absolutely the initial penetration can be painful. If your stupid and do no preparation. But with enough relaxation, lubrication maybe a little derrière meets tongue action and anal sex can be VERY pleasant for both males. For example. He brought up a remote and pressed play on a television screen.
Music started to play.
Collins eyes went wide as he watched the sinner start to lick the large Hellhounds hairy testicular sack.
"Mind ya teeth AD."
"Fucking Hell guy, you need a shower."
"Or a nice tongue bath."
"Why is he? Oh god that's what that is? Oh that is so gross! For gods sake why?!"
"And that is what is in store for you if your new relationship with Remus goes sexual and with your traumatizing I decree this sex Ed Crash Course over!"
To be continued...
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So that's their first lessons. Next we move on in the Chamber Of Secrets plot