Chapter 9 Short Notes:

I revised.

These revisions are minor but do slightly change the trajectory of the story.

In case you don't want to reread Chapter 9 just for some changed dialogue (understandable);

Kakashi is more closed off.

He no longer mentions having had panic attacks.

Hopefully dialogue is more natural.

Chapter 9 Long Notes:

Here's the longer notes where I explain why I decided to make changes. Because this time, it changes the tone of the plot and it's annoying to read a story where the author keeps on editing stuff after they publish. Apologies.

Watched an older episode of Naruto to refresh myself on the character voices. In the Land of Waves arc, Kakashi tells Naruto to keep looking at Zabuza dying because 'that's what happens when you live as a warrior'.

That's dark and intense. Also, not the behavior of someone who is super aware about the mental health of ninjas. Or maybe he is but approaches with a harsher ideology. He's a lot kinder towards the civilian boy who lost his father, but also falls back onto a 'just try to find a solution/grin and bear it' ethos.

So… I don't know if this character would readily describe himself as having panic attacks, even years in the past. At least not at this point in the canon timeline.

I considered that he'd have a double-standard for how he interacts with civilians versus his subordinates, which there is evidence for in the canon, but it still seemed to be a step too far outside of what you see in the show.

Naruto should have modern psychology to some extent, though. We see discussions of IQ and reliable IQ tests. This is an issue I see being unique to the character and certain areas of the 'shinobi world' during the original series. Like, spec ops ninjas being weird about the concept of trauma and more attached to the idea of a ninja being a 'tool in the hand of destiny'.

At about 18.5k words, this is the most I've ever written for any individual story outside of roleplay games. And based on the pacing alone, it has the workings of a potential 200k monster. Wayyy outside of my oneshot/drabble comfort zone. I'm figuring out what works and what doesn't in real time. For some reason I keep on catching issues AFTER I publish. Forcing myself to wait a day before I post from now on might help.

/END NOTES/

Yuka cycled violently between dreams, inching closer to the real world each time. When she woke up, she was too heavy and confused to shake off sleep. Stimuli too fuzzy to make sense. Teeth falling out became a clenched jaw. On a rickety raft in the middle of the ocean, Yuka faced the black clouds of a typhoon. Or, perhaps, she was just sweaty in a small bed.

Again, she blinked and drifted off. Never slept harder in her life, as restless as she was.

One more dream:

An endless, steep spiral staircase. Yuka clenched the rail. Something on the upper floors stalked her, flickering lights outlining a monstrous shadow. Panicked and clumsy, she moved fast only to miss a step and fall.

The lights shut off.

It grabbed her in the dark.

Finally, Yuka's eyes opened for the last time. It took a few seconds of subdued panic to remember where she was. More importantly, whose arms were wrapped so tightly around her body. She touched the hand resting across her stomach. A scar.

Eyes focusing, she noticed the outline of the table and bookshelf. A weak air conditioner hummed. Maybe not in this apartment, but the next one over.

Yuka sighed quietly. This was Kakashi's apartment. She was here because she wanted to sleep with him. And did.

He held her close in his sleep, almost like clutching a stuffed animal. Gingerly, she traced his forearm. That one didn't have the scar – or maybe it just healed too well to feel any different than the rest of his skin. Wriggling only provided immediate contact with his torso. They were snug.

And… She wanted this.

Reality, however, started to sink in.

Sleeping with him crossed a line. She wasn't certain why; how else could she label the feeling? A boundary was broken. Mr. 'Please Don't Judge Me Ethically as an Individual Because Ninja Are Reflections of Their Hokage' revealed some unique identifying marks, for one.

Unique identifying marks. The word Yuka was too uncomfortable to acknowledge was 'scars.' Now, a scar was nothing more than an area of skin that had healed improperly after an injury. Under normal circumstances, there'd be nothing creepy or even particularly interesting about them.

The issue was context. Kakashi warned her that he had been involved in violence, Yuka suspected it all along. The evidence presented itself as they initiated intimacy.

Counting the scars seemed ghoulishly insensitive. Yuka forced herself to stop every time she started. Spending time angsting about injuries she knew nothing about was bad enough.

Familiar, icky anxieties crawled back.

Scandals such as the massacre of all 'adult' members of the Nagai household weighed heavily in her heart. A family of twenty-two reduced to eight children and two pregnant women. Twelve people murdered. One was only sixteen. The Hokage practically admitted to ordering the assassination of the Nagai's, after enough public pressure built. Everything continued as normal. An insincere request for forgiveness, in and of itself, was somehow enough for most.

No one involved but the Hokage himself was named. To this day, no one came forward with the exact reasoning behind the executions. The Nagai's were a foreign ninja clan from the Land of Water, but that hardly seemed to warrant such brutality.

Only a handful of people seemed to have a problem with this. Yuka felt insane! Especially since her lonely corner of critics included nutcases who believed conspiracies like Konoha being responsible for the murder of the Uchiha's. Though the shinobi system no doubt contributed indirectly…

And here she was, so close to the problem she could feel his heart beating against her back. The unassuming problem. The problem with a dry sense of humor. The problem that tried his best in a shitty system, remember? Those were your words, Yuka.

Was this an endorsement on her part? Of… everything he was or did? Irrational, of course. If someone has capacity to regret their own actions, it follows that simply being the person responsible for certain actions isn't an endorsement. Thus, sleeping with him didn't mean that she was fond of the Clan system or feudalism. Despite her feelings, was she complicit now?

What the fuck did complicity even mean?

This internal debate raged uselessly until Kakashi buried his face in her shoulder, groaning in his sleep. His hair brushed against her skin.

Fuck.

'Danger! Danger! I'm hazardous to your health and sanity.'

He warned Yuka. And she believed him because she's smart. Yuka was educated, she knew what a ninja does. Acknowledging that he's responsible for his own actions, who exactly was to blame for this strange sensation of crossing a line?

Who held his hand? Took his face into her hands? Assured there was so much to like about him?

Yuka did like Kakashi. It was never difficult to rattle off a list of his good qualities, especially since they'd gotten to know each other over their letters beforehand.

Now the feelings associated with liking someone filled any cavities not taken by guilt or ambivalence. Soft, spongey, useless emotions like 'look at how sincere and vulnerable he's being' and 'oh wow, I feel attractive and being touched is nice'. Nothing that assisted in any logical decision making. She felt like a badly constructed cocktail, swirling with vinegars, oils, and fruit juice. Maybe she should've warned him.

She rolled around, trying to get a look at his face without prying away his arms.

His eye was open, though half-lidded. Sleepy. Was sleeping with the eyepatch even comfortable? Did he wear it when no one was around?

"Did I wake you up?" Yuka murmured.

What kind of question was that? He was so tightly wrapped around her any movement would've woken him. And… at the risk of stereotyping, he probably wasn't a heavy sleeper.

"Mm," he brushed the hair out of her face, cupping her cheek in his hand, "It's Yuka. Good morning."

God help her, she wanted him. Bad. She hooked her arm around his waist.

They held each other in silence. As though somehow everything could be ruined by one wrong word. It hadn't been like that between them before. Yuka was consumed with thoughts about various unsolved massacres. Who knew what Kakashi was thinking?

"I had a good time last night," Yuka finally said.

He stared up at the ceiling, eyes glazing over.

"Are you okay?" she squeezed his arm.

"I'm fine. Tired."

Believable enough, though he became tenser every moment he was awake. Kakashi seemed to have a tight spring inside him that unwound in a handful of circumstances.

His brow furrowed, "…Did you know you cry in your sleep, Yuka?"

Shit.

"I do? That's weird."

"Or concerning. Imagine if you were in class and a student lays their head down to sleep, only to wake themselves up with, well, sobbing. You wouldn't shrug and call it 'weird'."

"I… wait, I was sobbing?"

He winced, "Like someone was strangling a puppy in front of you, yes," he paused, following with, "It's just that… if we keep doing this… we'll probably have to figure something out. I have problems with sleep, too."

He wouldn't admit to having an issue like that so soon unless he foresaw a serious problem.

"Problems with sleeping? Do you mean night terrors? If I was sobbing in my sleep, that's probably what it was."

Silence.

A bubble of anxiety burst, causing Yuka to speak without thinking.

"Kakashi. Are you worried about me startling you? And… causing an…" even mid-sentence, she regretted saying it and tried to soften the question, "…Accident?"

Though he tried to appear thoughtful, she no doubt upset him, "They would've retired me a long time ago if there even the slightest chance I'd do something like hurt someone in my sleep. Anything else would be wildly irresponsible."

"That was a shitty thing for me to ask. I'm sorry."

"The situation is shit."

Another lull into troubled quiet.

"So, what I'm hearing, then, is that there's a risk we'll make each other's sleep problems worse," Yuka began, "If I wake you up with crying and you already have a hard time getting to sleep or staying asleep… Or if you… well, I don't know what 'sleep problem' means for you."

"I've been told I sometimes make hand signals in my sleep. Add in whispering nonsense and it's like I'm possessed."

Oh good. That won't give Yuka a panic attack or anything.

More importantly, how many jutsus did you have to use before you started trying to do them in your sleep?

"Maybe the sobbing was a freak incident," Yuka whispered, "I don't know. I've lived alone for so long."

"…Yuka, when you said you had personal issues with ninja…"

The conversation was difficult enough without bringing up her former hometown. Yuka's lips drew into a thin line.

"I can't –"

"Never mind. Take your time on that one," he sighed, "I just… want to make sure I'm not doing anything to make it worse."

Yuka tried to make out the details of his face in the dark.

The man looked unsettled. Glancing down at his hands, as he did the night before.

What a sweetheart.

Better shut that line of thinking down before he starts beating himself up.

"You've never made me uncomfortable," she said firmly, "I need you to listen – I'm here because I want to be here. I'm not a delicate flower and I don't need to be catered to. Even if I panic and ask shitty, ignorant questions."

"Shinobi are living weapons and you have every right to prioritize your safety, that's just the reality of the situation," he continued speaking before Yuka could argue with him, "Given how romantic this discussion has been, maybe I should just ask. Do you want to do this again? Make it a regular thing?"

"Spend time together? Have sex?"

"Yeah. I think it's called a relationship," he blushed, "Not that I'm asking you to go all in after three dates."

Did she want to get into something steady with him? In some ways it was too early to ask, but in his position, maybe he wanted to avoid wasting time. That didn't imply things would instantly get serious, either.

She had just agonized over her affection for him. Excellent timing. Once again, she threw her arms up and cheerfully thought, 'Why not?'.

"As far as I'm concerned, if we want a relationship, we can have one," Yuka reached up to muss with that silver hair, "I was thinking we could start visiting at my house, anyways. There's more space. If sleeping turns into a big issue, I'll just roll out a futon in another room. No fuss needed."

A quiet breath. Kakashi closed his eye, "I have a training exercise at 5 am."

"My condolences."

"I'm going to have to kick you out."

Yuka sat up, "And how much time do we have?"

"It's… 3:45, I think," he followed her up, draping his arms around her shoulder from behind, kissing her temple and then her cheek, "I can walk you home."

"That's halfway across town."

He kissed the back of her neck. Then her shoulder. It was a bit unfair, knowing he had places to be.

"You're saying I might be late for a training exercise?" he murmured, "I would never…"

"That's so irresponsible," she chuckled, breaking into a giggle when he reached for her hips, "Kakashi!"

"Disappointment builds character."

Yuka turned around, looking at him with a stern smile, "Walk me home. Then, immediately go to work, and you'd better move fast. I think you can do it if you get ready five minutes ago."

Finally, he kissed her forehead. He can pull it off.

Everything might be okay, for now. Yuka could do this because she wanted to. Ethically sound or not, she liked him.