Confusion had to be that which was the most prevalent as she sat there, dressed in a paper-thin hospital gown, feeling oddly hollow as she stared at the wall. It was painted white, the harsh lighting of the room hurting her eyes somewhat even as she kept staring at that blank whiteness. Even then she could still feel the blood on her skin. She had lain in it for hours she knew by then, even as midday light entered through the thin windows lining the top of the wall.
She was in the highest security section of Konoha General, or so she had learnt eventually, and part of her wondered why she was in such a place. Because your brother just slaughtered your entire clan, dimwit, some snide part of her brain whispered, shame and irritation rising at the reminder of how stupid she was, and her fingers dug into the white sheets around her. Everything was too white. Sakura didn't like it. She didn't like it one bit. She wanted to be at home with her mother there to tuck her in and her father being cold and distant, but still with that oddly fond look to his eyes whenever she chattered about her day when asked. But they're dead, part of her reminded. Stupid. Truly, it all came back to the fact that she was stupid at the end of the day. That fact had only been hammered in that much harder after the Yamanaka whose given name she had already forgotten had come and asked question after question of her. "I realise this might be an inopportune time, but there are some questions which need answers for the sake of Konoha, what with the threat of your brother and his possible motivations for the slaughter he committed," he had said, pale blue pupilless eyes boring into her green ones before the torrent of questions had assailed her. Few lingered in her mind still, the worst of them being, "Did you not notice the signs that your brother was about to defect? Nothing in the slightest – you're an academy student, aren't you?"
Her hands curled into fists in her lap, even as the dull ringing in her ears grew louder and louder. She didn't think she understood. She didn't think she would ever understand. Just the day previous her brother had smiled and asked her about her day, laughing with her and teasing her in that way only he could. She couldn't mesh the images together – the one of her brother smiling and laughing with her as he always had and the other image of her brother smiling cruelly down at her with the blood of their family splattered across his cheeks. "Why?" she whispered, her voice barely more than a croak. "Why did you…?" she trailed off, coughing then, her throat raw from all the screaming she had done all too recently, and she reached for the glass of water on her bedside.
"The poor thing – did you hear, she was screaming when they found her, trapped behind that genjutsu… nobody found her for hours or so they say," one of the nurses had said when they thought she couldn't hear.
"You've always had good ears, Sa-chan," her brother purred, voice sounding so dark then, memories of him blood-spattered and cold rising to the surface then before she shook her head as though it could rid her of those memories. The memories of that cold stranger who had worn her brother's skin. Maybe someone had transformed into her brother? The thought cropped up in her mind, the lessons on the transformation technique – one of the academy three – which Iruka-sensei had given so recently bringing her some small flicker of hope. But you know it was him, a voice reminiscent of her own hissed in her ear. You would have been able to tell that much, no matter how stupid you are, it continued, and Sakura only pulled her knees up to her chest, buried her face in them, and cried. Because she didn't understand. The world was confusing. So very confusing. She didn't think she understood anything anymore, and she didn't have the first clue of what to do about that much.
She didn't think she wanted to anyway.
Perhaps, before, had she been faced with a real-life shinobi who actively worked in the field, and who was actively addressing her, then she might have been somewhat excited at the thought of being noticed. Noticed was good, or so she had always been told by her family. It meant one was moving upwards in the world, having their name passed onto all the right people. Sakura couldn't really bring herself to care about being noticed right then and there. Her family was dead – her entire clan was dead – and in the space of a single night. Sakura didn't quite know what to feel, because all there was inside her was that numbness and emptiness in wake of her earlier tears. As though all her feelings had been trapped within a bubble just out of her reach.
"Due to recent village-wide tensions following the wake of the Uchiha Massacre," the shinobi in front of her said, not bothering to even look down at her as she stood in front of him, clad in thin hospital-issued clothing rather than the white gown she had been in only hours before. "Along with other bureaucratic stuff you wouldn't understand," he continued, heedless of the hissed whispered jeer in her ears. Stupid, it went. "The event henceforth known as the Haruno Clan Massacre will be classified as an S-Rank secret, with a gag order enforced by active ANBU operatives as per usual for a village secret of this level. Only relevant personnel will be made aware of this S-Rank secret as and when necessary, and you yourself are to refrain from sharing any major details with outsiders of your civilian clan." Blue eyes met her green ones, flat and emotionless as she felt. "The Haruno Clan Compound will be sealed off from the general public, with a notice pinned to the gates informing that baring extenuating circumstances, no one is permitted to trespass, and you are expected to occupy the main house and take care of all chores within those bounds using the orphan stipend our village provides to all orphans within the academy program," he said, finishing off then and simply staring at her then. She could feel his gaze on her, his eyes feeling as though they were stinging her skin. "Is this understood, genin-hopeful?"
Sakura nodded with a soft grunt – that being the only thing she could really muster the energy to do. Blue eyes fixed on her then, discomfort returning under that stare which felt so very judgemental. "Too weak," her brother whispered in her ear, and her own gaze flickered down to the floor, the urge to wrap her arms around herself almost overwhelming her then and there. But her arms wouldn't move from where they were at her waist.
"For pity's sake, Shinji-kun, give the kid a moment," one of the nurses behind her said as she stood there, almost at the doors of the quietest section of the hospital.
"Protocol and the village take priority," Shinji-kun replied, and Sakura could only nod. Such a thing was perfectly reasonable. Just like how the massacre of her own clan had been constantly compared to that of the Uchiha Clan's massacre by those nurses. It was only natural. The Haruno Clan hadn't been shinobi – that was a fact she was all too aware of by that point in time. Academy kids had shoved that fact in her face far too often before and after Ino had come for her. Ino wasn't there anymore, and it was all her fault. "The bed you made for yourself," her brother hissed, a harsh echo of once gently spoken words. "Come. I will walk you home."
Sakura blinked at that, feeling like she was stuck in molasses at how slow and sluggish she felt. "I can walk myself home," she said, still staring listlessly at the ground.
The shinobi stared at her, eyes weighing down on her heavily. "Very well," he said, and Sakura barely had the time to blink once more before his presence vanished. She was left alone once more, silence echoing in her ears for a split second before the quiet noises of the hospital ward she was about to leave echoed in her ears once more. It was too loud, and ever set of eyes on her skin stung. She could almost feel the stares, the pity, and the whispers which had to be going on behind her back.
Her feet moved of their own volition, the rush of air greeting her face as she opened the door and stepped outside of the hospital. How many days had it been? She tilted her head, body feeling oddly light and floaty then as she found herself walking away from the cloistering space she had been kept in. It felt as if she could just float away into the sky, if not for the embers of emotion which tethered her there. Everything felt… distant, that was the word for it. Sakura didn't know if she liked the distance. But she liked the lack of questions, even if the silence was heavy and unyielding. There were no more questions for her, and she wasn't to tell anyone of her clan's massacre. Life was to go on as though nothing had ever happened, or so Sakura mused as she walked herself home, heading through the market district.
It was strange – how small she suddenly felt as she walked through the crowd. There were barely any eyes on her, only hushed whispers about didn't you see the notice – we can't talk about her clan! Her eyes flickered to the floor, part of her wishing her ears weren't as good as they were as she walked back to her clan compound. Though her clan was dead, and she was one of the last two surviving members of it. Her teeth gritted together at that, hands shaking even as she shoved them into the pockets of the trousers she wore to hide the trembles of her fists. She didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to think about him. After all, she couldn't line up the images, and there was a surge of fear laced with anger within that bubble of emotions buried within whenever she thought of him and how very helpless she had been.
"But that's only to be expected," her father's voice echoed in her ears, a memory of a time long passed. "He is a genius, after all… and you're… you…"
"Too weak," her brother purred, the sound of the memory of that voice haunting her and sending shivers down her spine as her feet brought her to the gate of the Haruno Clan Compound. Breath came in a sharp pant as she lifted a shaking hand to open the gate, the memories of that night blaring in her mind, and part of her wondered what sort of scene would await her when she opened those gates. Her heart beat like the wings of a hummingbird inside her chest, that logical side of her whispering that there would be no scene of a massacre. All the bodies had been taken away by such a point, their funerals scheduled for later that week. She would be collected from her house on the weekend for the burial rites, when there was no academy and students were left to their own devices. The days she had used to spend training with her brother when he hadn't been too busy. She wouldn't be able to play with her brother that weekend, or any weekend ever again.
"A traitor," they had called him, her sharp ears overhearing those words. She wondered why they felt like knives digging into her skin, what with how her brother had hurt her and killed the rest of their clan. Because you still love him, stupid, part of her whispered. Sakura wondered how such a thing was possible after everything she had seen that night – after everything he had done.
A scream of frustration escaped her, the sound lost to the howling winds signalling the oncoming storm, and she wrenched the doors open with what minuscule dregs of courage she had left. Stepping into her family compound, the gates closing shut loudly behind her, she stopped and stared at it all. The skies were grey above her, grey as her mood, the soft pitter-patter of rain the sounds an ode to the misery she felt. She shivered as the rain came down, the clothes she wore too thin to offer any amount of protection. It was late in the day by that point, daylight slowly beginning to fade, the darkness caused by overcast clouds far too reminiscent of the night when it had all happened. But the bodies weren't there, and the gouges from that sword her brother had used, the indentions from the kunai and shuriken used to slaughter her clan members, and the dried brownish red stains of dried blood were the only reminders of the massacre which had taken place a far too short of a time ago.
She could still remember it even then, the image burnt into her retinas, the vision of that slaughter shoved before her eyes through the use of genjutsu. How it had left her helpless, unable to move as she only watched it all play out. She could still remember it all so very intimately – the way blade had carved through skin and bone, the sight of blood, viscera and the pale eggshell white of bone as pink hair was stained red. She could still hear the screams echoing in her ears, along with that pounding voice, the reminder in the back of her head. "Too weak." Sakura retched at that, stomach feeling as though it was twisting itself inside out as she fell to her knees and vomited. "Do you think your precious Sasuke-kun would like the sight of you now?" her brother asked, some remnant of the him of that night determined to haunt her then and there.
Numbness consumed her as she sat back, leaning back against the closed gate, everything still feeling so very distant even as the taste of her own sick lingered on her tongue. Her clan – her family – were all dead, and she was supposed to continue on as normal. Rain splashed down on her face, and listlessly, she looked upwards at the grey skies above her. Sakura wondered how she was supposed to feel about that. Logically, she would have thought anger or hatred or something of the sorts. But you're not smart, part of her reminded, and a choked giggle escaped her at that. How could she forget such a fact?
Throwing her head back against the gate, staring up into those unfathomable bleak skies, she laughed. Her family was dead, she was alive, and she had no clue about what to do. It felt as though someone had swept the rug out from under her feet, and all she could do was laugh and laugh because she didn't understand and she was probably too stupid to.
"Silly Sa-chan…"