Blearily, she opened her eyes, staring at the ceiling of her room which blurred into focus slowly. Groaning, Sakura rolled out of bed then, freezing at the eerie silence which engulfed her. She froze in an instant, her head feeling fuzzy as she wondered why. Why there was no sound of her mother rattling about in the kitchen below. Why her father wasn't padding up and down the stairs as he got ready for work. Why the compound wasn't abuzz with noise as the Haruno Clan readied themselves for another day. There wouldn't be another day, Sakura thought blankly, the memories hitting her in full force even as she grappled with her disbelief, her body moving without her input as she trudged listlessly towards the modern shower rather than the more traditional bath they used in the evenings. She, her mind whispered, correcting herself then. There was no 'they' anymore.
Her brother's face drifted through her thoughts then, a shiver wracking her body as she remembered the blood spattered on his cheek and those cold eyes which had looked at her as though she were nothing more than an ant. "Why?" she asked, the words sounding weak to her ears as she dragged her feet along towards the shower which was calling her name right there and then.
"Because I could," her brother whispered in her ear, the sound making her jump as she struggled to find the will to shower and then eat. She felt tired of all things, a bone deep ache resonating through her as she stepped closer and closer to the waters which awaited her.
Feet met tiled floor, and Sakura stared listlessly at the shower, peeling her clothes off one by one, the motions feeling so very slow to her. She was fairly certain most of her brain power was being directed onto something else. Though she couldn't for the life of her figure out what it was. A burst of laughter escaped her, high-pitched and fading just as quickly as it had appeared. She wouldn't have had much life in her if her brother had killed her the night before.
Hands moved, turning the shower on slowly, and she waited like she always did for the waters to come through hot, the dial cranked right around to settle on the hottest setting. The usual shampoo and conditioner were there waiting for her, along with the wash she used for her body. She scrubbed at her hair and body, rinsing everything off, hating the odd sensation she felt on one side of her body. The same side which had lain in blood for hours on end. Even to that very moment she could still feel it on her skin, and she scrubbed and scrubbed at that side of her body until it was bright red and raw. Strawberry body wash stung her skin by that point, the scent filling her nose then, and she paused in her scrubbing to look down at the large bottle, memories trickling to the surface. "You like strawberries, don't you?" Sakura blinked, throwing the bottle away and out of the shower like it had burned her. Tears filled her eyes, thick and hot, and she grasped her knees to her chest as she tried to get rid of that voice which haunted her so. She hated it.
Do you now? part of her asked, mocking and spite layered in those words, and Sakura felt her tears start all over again. Really, she was so very pathetic. "Stupid. Weak," her brother whispered in that cold voice of his which she hated. She didn't want to hear it ever again. She wanted her nice brother back. The one who took her to the training grounds and laughed with her beneath the moonlight on nights she couldn't sleep. But he's not coming back, that part of her reminded.
She wasn't sure when the waters turned cold, the coolness soothing to her heated, raw skin, nor was she sure of just how long she had spent in the shower. All she knew was that her stomach was rumbling and that she needed to eat something. 'Nutrients are important, as is a balanced diet,' Iruka-sensei had said. That still applied, even alone as she now was.
But the kitchen was her mother's domain – it always had been, and it always would be. More so because Sakura could tell the minute she edged into the kitchen that it had been where her mother had been killed. The bloodstains were still there, hints of a coppery scent which caught the back of her throat. Hunger won out against the overwhelming urge to flee back to her room and hide, and Sakura scampered into the kitchen, vague memories guiding her as she searched through the cupboards for something she knew would be there.
Her father had travelled every now and then, and as such they had stocked up on travelling rations. The long lasting kind which kept for years. Dimly, she could remember the time she ate one as a child, but those days were long gone and her heart ached at the memory of her mother and father. That was all they were – a memory. And ashes which would be buried that very weekend on the family plot. Her stomach twisted, the scent of blood and iron making her want to throw up, even as she swiftly found the box of ration bars.
The box was heavy and relatively full. "Too weak," her brother whispered in her ear, and Sakura bit her lip as she hauled the box out onto the dining room table. It was a traditional one, low to the floor, tatami mats to kneel on. And a few bloodstains here and there. Her fingers ghosted over the dark reddish brown markings, bile filling her throat even as she left the box and lunged for the door to the garden.
Vomit burned as it came back up, the pathetic little puddle on the grass the only evidence of what had happened, and Sakura retched again. Shivers wracked her body, hands coming to wrap around herself as she perched on the edge of the engawa, pink hair dangling down, still mercifully untouched. She could almost picture the blade the blood had rolled off. She knew it intimately – as intimately as one could when it had pierced the wall right by her head. As intimately as one could when trapped in a genjutsu which replayed the massacre over and over and over again as she lay trapped by her body's heaviness and the pool of blood she had lain in.
Sakura sucked in a shaky breath, standing up only when she was certain she wasn't about to throw up again, making her way back inside slowly and closing the door behind her harshly. Stomach growling and unsettled, she hurried back to the dining table and tore off the packaging of one of the ration bars, biting into it viciously, chewing and swallowing. Tears bit the corners of her eyes. It tasted like cardboard. Nothing like her mother's home cooking. But that was something she would never get to taste again.
There was paperwork on the table.
Sakura didn't quite understand why or how it had gotten there, given she hadn't moved a single thing over the last couple of days. She hadn't felt like doing much, if anything at all, especially given the funeral and burial of her clan had been set for tomorrow. One look at the aforementioned paperwork told her why it was there. The matter of how it had gotten there was still up in the air, what with how it was now forbidden for almost everyone aside from her to enter her clan's compound. Part of her liked that order. There was nobody barging in to offer their sympathies or bother her in other, various ways. The silence was nice in some ways. It was terrible in some other ways. Sakura didn't quite care about those though. She just wanted to stay in bed more often than not and wallow in the silence and misery of it all. She just wanted to sleep and wake up from the terrible nightmare which had become her life. But the reality of it all was starting to seep through the little cracks in her psyche.
"Academy… work?" she mumbled to herself, ever wanting to fill up that gaping empty silence which was always surrounding her. Blithely, she stared at the package of paperwork, staring at the classwork and homework she had seemingly been assigned, if the bright red thick marked denoting 'Haruno Sakura' was any indication. Something clenched in her gut, and she pushed the papers to one side.
"Too stupid?" her brother asked her, and Sakura stopped mid-walk away from the table, a tremble going through her limbs as those words echoed in her brain. Her teeth ground together and she turned on her heel.
Her fingers clenched around the closest pen, and she grabbed the sheet from the top of the pile, turning her attention to it then. She wasn't stupid.
Are you now?
Her hands shook, pen jerking across the page, even as she peered at the questions – the worksheet in front of her which gave her all the information she would need to keep up with her classwork while she… while she did what? Her vision turned blurry with tears, and she swiped them away with the sleeve of her pyjamas. Jaw clenched, she set to work on the papers, not wanting the day to end.
The funeral was tomorrow.
Sakura didn't think she was ready.