My mantra becomes: Peeta lives.
It's simple really. Keep Peeta alive, even if it means sacrificing myself. I got us into this mess all those years ago, so it makes sense that I be the one to get us out of it.
It's not long before the metal door opens. In steps the person who haunts my dreams for the last six months. The just killer gives us a sly smile. "I've waited a long time for this," he says.
"Why are you doing this?" Peeta asks with vengeance.
"Revenge," the Justice Killer answers while walking towards us. "Katniss hurt someone I love. So, I'm going to hurt someone she loves." Then he punches Peeta in the stomach.
Peeta winces and grunts from the pain. I squeeze my eyes shut, waiting for there to be a gun shot, knife stabbing flesh, or even the sound of a match. I hate the fear that the Justice Killer ignites in me.
My name is Katniss Everdeen. I'm twenty-nine years old. I live in Quantico. I'm a member of the FBI. My home is in Panem with my mother. I repeat this over and over as the Justice Killer punches Peeta in various places. Peeta takes it like a champ, but I'm falling apart. My latest therapist, Dr. Aurelius taught me to make a list of the things I know for certain, so I can hold onto it. It usually works...
But it's not working this time.
"Stop," I say loudly but with control and determination. "Hurting Peeta won't hurt me."
The Justice Killer stops his torture. "Why's that? From the intel I've gathered, you two were inseparable."
"Were," I spit with an extra emphasis. "I haven't seen or spoken to Peeta Mellark in almost eleven years."
Our attacker pauses for a moment and turns his gaze back to Peeta. I see him again for the first time since the beating started. He looks tired. Sweat drips down his face. My heart constricts. This is all my fault.
The Justice Killer turns back to Peeta. He asks, "Is this true?"
Peeta nods. Out of breath, he replies, "She left me."
My heart breaks. It shatters into a million pieces at his words, but I can't let my face show it. Not if I want my plan to work. "I did," I say. "He- He was my best friend, and he made me hate him. Hurting Peeta won't do anything but bring me guilt. If you want to hurt me, then you'll have to hurt me."
"No!" Peeta calls out and looks in my direction. "You can do anything you want to me. Let, Katniss go," he pleads.
"Hurt me," I repeat while looking the Justice Killer in the eyes. "Hurt me and you'll hurt Peeta." The Justice Killer weights his options. Then, with one swift move, his fist connects with my jaw.
There is a meadow that separates my neighborhood and the woods I used to hunt in with my father. At least, my father used to call it a meadow. Looking back, it's just a stuffy lot that hasn't been sold yet.
Wildflowers grow in the open field, and the highest point is on top of a hill. It's my favorite place to go in the summer to watch the sun sink below the horizon. The city lights don't drown out the stars. They're bigger and brighter there.
That's my happy place, where I am warm and safe from harm. It's summer, and the air is the perfect temperature. The sky is a soft orange, Peeta's favorite color. The insects sing, and everything is still.
~Age Eighteen~
My week at home goes by uneventfully. My therapist tells me a hundred things that I am safe. Cato remains in jail, his upper class family is unable to pay the bond. This wasn't his first offense. When he was still a minor, Cato was arrested for animal abuse and has been in murmurous fights. Luck for me, the Sheriff plans to hold in accountable and put him away for as long as possible.
Madge and I hang out after school one day. She tells me that everyone has already forgotten about me and moved on to the next big scandal- two teenagers caught having sex in the pool storage room. Still, a part of me doesn't believe her.
Peeta doesn't call or text. I think I've made him mad. However, I do notice that his bedroom might will be on when I go to bed. A few seconds after I turn mine off, his turns off. I can't shake the idea that he's waiting up for me. Still checking up on me.
When Monday morning rolls around, I'm desperate to be anywhere but Panem. My mother tells me that I can stay home, but I know that I can't. I've got exams all day. Exams that will determine if I stay the valedictorian or not. I've got to keep my grade us. College will be a game changer for me.
My mother drops me off as close to the first bell as possible. The second I step foot into the school, I feel eyes on me. The walk to my locker is like a death march, and every eye in District Twelve is on me. I want the ground to swallow me whole. I want to stuff myself into my locker. I want to turn around and walk out of the school. But I don't.
Dirty looks. Scoffs. Angry whispers. I'm no exception to all the teenage cutlery you see in the movies. Like I expected, everyone is pissed that I put Cato in jail. They don't care that I am the real victim here. Cato was well liked, and I was... not.
Madge and Peeta come up to my locker, but before I have the chance to say anything, there's an announcement over the intercom. "Katniss Everdeen to Ms. Trinket's office." I give them the most reassuring smile I can manage and head off alone.
Ms. Trinket is our overly excited guidance counselor. I know as I make my way to her office that she'll expect me to talk about my feelings, maybe even cry. I'm not ready for it. I don't want it.
Today, Ms. Trinket is wearing a baby blue wig and a hot pink dress that looks like it was made from a wrapper. She's not old, maybe in her thirties. I have no idea where she gets her style from, but it makes her stand out in Panem. She gives me a warm smile and motions for me to sit in a leather chair in front of her desk.
"Miss Everdeen," she says with a smile that makes me cringe. "You're a brave young woman."
"Thank you," I reply in a vapid voice. This conversation has already exhausted me.
"I was sorry to hear about... what happened to you. I want to assure you that you are very safe here at District Twelve. If you have any problems this week, come see me." That wasn't too painful. I give her a nod and expect to be asked to leave, but she continues. "I know that high schoolers can be ruthless, so I took the liberty of asking your teachers if you could take your exams in here today, if that is okay with you."
I nod greedily. That sounds like the best idea ever. "That would be great."
My words make Ms. Trinket smile more, if possible. Then it fades. Ms. Trinket puts her hands on her desk, sits up straighter, leans towards me. "Very well. Katniss, there is something else I need to talk to you about."
"Okay..." I say trailing off. Why the sudden secrecy?
"These papers arrived for you this morning," she says as she hands me a Manila envelop. "You've been served."
"I what?" I ask as I quickly take it. I open it up and see the contents. I read it twice to be sure that my eyes aren't fooling me. I look up at Ms. Trinket. "Cato is suing me battery? It was self defense!"
Ms. Trinket looks uncomfortable. "There's more... the university was made aware of the situation, and your acceptance has been put on hold."
The world feels like it is on fire. All the air in the room has escaped. I feel like I've been sucker-punched. "They- They can do that?"
"Yes, Katniss. They can."
"So that's just it? I'm not going to college?" I ask in disbelief. My hopes and dreams have been crushed right before my eyes.
"No, no," she reassures me. "They've placed your acceptance on hold depending on the results of the lawsuit. You won't be able to start classes this summer. Everything will get sorted out, and I'm sure you'll be in class on the first day of the fall term."
I imagine that my eyes are the size of saucers. "And what if it doesn't? Sort itself out?"
"A local college would be an option."
"I didn't apply to any local colleges. I got a full ride to the university!" I did everything right. I kept my head down. I got excellent grades. My mother wasn't going to pay a cent in college tuition.
"It's not too late. I know a very good college that is still accepting students in Maryland. They have a very good criminal justice program."
I can't shake my disbelief, but I know that I've got to do something. Anything. "Let's do it. Let's apply."
I'm floating somewhere between conscious and unconscious. I can't open my eyes, they're too heavy. I can't move either. But I do know that my arms are down and that I am no longer dangling from the ceiling.
My body rocks back and forth, and I can't control it. I hear someone shushing me, and a cold hand caresses my face. "You're okay," they say.
It's Peeta.
He must be rocking me, holding me in his arms. Am I dead?! Is this end?!
"You're so stubborn," he says. It sounds like he's been crying or screaming. His voice is hoarse. "Why would you do that?"
You would do the same for me, I think.
It's what we do. It's what we've always done. We protect each other. Peeta was there when my father died, when I went back into the woods for the first time. I was there when Peeta's mother gave him a black eye. I snuck into the bakery and helped him clean, which was supposed to be his punishment for mouthing off.
"I should have followed you," he says in a voice full of regret. "I should have found you. I'm so sorry, Katniss. You have no idea."
I think I do because I have those same regrets.
"I've loved you since we were five," he admits in a rush, but the words are out and he can't take it back. I feel my heart stutter. I wish I could open my eyes and tell him that I'm listening. That I can hear the words he's saying.
"You were the girl next door, and you were always there. But when we started kindergarten, everything changed. Your hair was in two braids instead of one, and you worse this red dress... I remember it like it was yesterday.
"They teacher asked if anyone knew the words to the 'Valley Song,' and you're hand shot straight up. I swear the Mockingjays stopped signing to hear you. You're all I've been able to think about since, but I never had the nerve to tell you. Until the night of my eighteenth birthday," he says with a sigh.
I remember that night. I got alcohol poisoning and had to spend the night in the hospital. It was awful.
"You- you wore this tiny, black dress, and I felt time stop moving. I couldn't take my eyes off you all night. You were sleeping on the couch, and I thought the worst. But then you woke up, and you kissed me. I couldn't believe it," Peeta laughs. "Katniss Everdeen kissed me."
What?! I do not remember that? I wonder if my face is blushing...
"You smiled at me like I was the only guy in the world, and I thought that you might have feelings for me too. Then, you're eyes rolled back, and you had a seizure. I had to carry you to your mom and into the hospital. I thought that I had lost you before I even had you."
I had never stopped to think about what happened that night. I was too ashamed by my actions and pushed it into the furthest corner of my mind. Peeta was acting weird the days after, and now I know why.
"You didn't remember it, or you acted like you didn't remember it. I thought maybe you were embarrassed."
Oh, Peeta. If only you knew...
"So I tested out my theory on prom. I asked you, and you turned me down. That was usual, but you broke my heart when you said yes to Cato. I've been paying for that decision ever since...
"It killed me to see you like that. It killed me to see you have the university taken away, and there was nothing I could do to help you. I watched you pull away from me, but I never expected you to leave me all together."
Something pulls at me, and Peeta's voice gets further and further away. I want to stay. I want to hear what else he has to say. I want to hear him tell me that he loves me again.
I try to fight it, but I can't. Blackness engulfs me.