Petra fiercely stabbed the steaming carrot on her plate and shoved it in her mouth, tasting a hint of old margarine and a tad too much pepper for her liking. The carrot was a bit tough as it was hot, her tongue burning, but she kept chewing. After a grueling day of the expedition, as worry and adrenaline caused by Oruo's accident stewed within her, coupled with the embarrassing first impression she had with her first meeting with Captain Levi, Petra only had the time to feel the fatigue slowly creeping up on her as she sat with her friends on their table in the mess hall. Despite the quality of food, Petra shoved more in her mouth. She thought she never felt so famished in her life.
"Hey Petra, calm down, you're gonna burn yourself," her friend Allyne sat across from her, looking at her with some concern, her black eyes blending in with her raven-like, wispy hair which fell to her face. Allyne joined the scouts just this previous year, getting assigned to Squad Mirane. Initially, she served only as a casual acquaintance joining their squad as replacement for Petra's cadet mate who perished in one expedition beyond the walls. The two had formed a solid friendship throughout the months, however, when Allyne saw how readily Petra took her back on many missions moving forward.
"Hey, seriously, you need to slow down!" Allyne was just about to grab her wrist to stop her from shoving a second slice of potato certainly too big for Petra's already full mouth, when a sandy-haired man plopped down next to her.
"What's going on?"
"Vanz, will you please smack some sense into her and get her to slow down? Or else the Survey Corps will note its first ever casualty of death within the walls! Death by choking!" Allyne was half exasperated, half-joking. Vanz' plate was still steaming as he placed it down the table and started pulling Petra's plate away from her.
"Hey, what was that for!" Petra muffled in between a mouthful. She was awoken from her daze of reimagining parallel scenarios of her meeting with the captain when she finally looked up and saw her friends smiling at her.
"What are you doing eating so fast?" Vanz inquired, still holding her plate of food hostage.
"I just had a long day, that's all." Petra swallowed and reached out for her flagon of water. The food had difficulty going down her throat and she let out a cough, her hand instinctively thumping her chest. "Thanks for that, I'll make sure to eat slowly." She motioned to Vanz to hand her her plate.
"Yeah, I heard your friend Oruo got injured today. How was he?"
"He was fine, I got to him in time. He found himself in another unlucky situation," Petra explained, letting her spoon rustle the rest of the vegetables resting on her plate before she took a measured bite of peas.
"You got to him first? Where were his squadmates? Wasn't he part of the Special Ops team? Where was Captain Levi?"
"Yeah, well he got there too. We met actually," Petra said nonchalantly, now focused on making sure she's chewing her food carefully. Allyne paused to glance at her, her fork hanging in mid-air. Vanz was eating but his stare was locked into her, his eyes glinting.
It wasn't a secret to her friends that she'd talked about Captain Levi most of the time. Granted, she did talk about the other squad leaders too, like how she found Squad Leader Hange's genius fascinating (her insanity you mean, Vanz once quipped amidst laughter). She also rambled on about Squad Leader Mike and how his team flourished under his leadership (doesn't he look a little too intense? wondered Allyne out loud). Still, whenever she'd talk about Captain Levi with her usual bout of respect and admiration for the higher-ups, she was often met with knowing smiles and stifled giggles from the two of them.
"And how was that?" Vanz was openly smiling now, his fork pointed at her.
"Will you wipe that grin off your face?" she joked. "It was fine! It wasn't like a meet-your-hero kind of thing. God, you make it sound like I'm a fangirl," she rolled her eyes, laughing as she took another spoonful of peas.
"Are you not?" Allyne was smirking, fully engaged now, her hands on her chin, her plate discarded. Petra didn't know what the hell they were talking about.
"I really don't know why you react like that all the time," she began, swallowing her food. "I talk about them all like this. Why's Captain Levi so different?"
Vanz smiled another knowing smile. "Allyne used to talk like that when she talked about me," he laughed, looking pretty smug and proud, buckling over as his shoulder became barraged by punches by the now blushing, black-haired girl next to him. Allyne and Vanz had been a couple for some time now, but the reddening face of her friend showed that they were still pretty much in the shy, honeymoon stages of their relationship. Vanz joined their team just shortly after Allyne, and being both newbies to the squad, they got assigned to be training buddies, having to do make-up practice sessions so they could keep up with the team skills and work on their dynamics.
Petra can vividly remember the first time Allyne and Vanz got stuck together doing laps after end of training. She'd just befriended Allyne, so she found it surprising one night after her training with Vanz how easily she hunkered down low on Petra's bunk bed, asking her in a whisper if she was already asleep. She said she had something to confess to her, about the tall, lanky, sandy-haired boy that she got paired up with. Petra only had brothers, so she was excited to have another girl open up to her, and Allyne revealed to her how she found the boy, Vanz, pretty cute.
There were a lot more nights like that which followed, each time Allyne had chosen to lay next to her on her bunk, inching closer and closer like sisters whispering in secret, and Petra would notice how her giddy friend had started to delve more on describing Vanz' qualities and skills rather than his physical attributes.
She was as ballsy as she was courageous, so it didn't come as a shock to Petra when Allyne had chosen to come clean with her feelings to the man she admired. It was one training day, when she saw it. It was after Squad Leader Mirane had dismissed them, reminding Allyne and Vanz they had some laps to catch up on to keep up with the pace of the squad. Petra was about to turn back to the dorms for a shower when Allyne had pulled her wrist quickly and whispered, "Wish me luck!" as she dashed off to follow Vanz in his laps.
She saw how the sunlight framed the two of them in her view, how Allyne hung her head in timidness as she confessed, how Vanz met her gaze with an enveloping hug. Petra found herself smiling, happy for her friends who found each other, who found light in this dark hole of theirs.
She worried though, when the couple made the choice to report to Squad Leader Mirane about their relationship, and when her motherly advice was to come clean to Commander Erwin, she worried a lot more. It was to her surprise that the Commander actually congratulated them, saying something along the lines that relationships aren't actually forbidden within the Scouts, despite what the rumor mills had said. He said that while our time as scouts and soldiers may be short, our future fairly uncertain, we're entitled to the basic freedom that humans should have, free to love and to laugh, and that we should grab the opportunity when we get it and while we can. That young love wasn't something he could bear to disallow. His congratulations were also met with a warning though, as Vanz and Allyne had relayed to her. As soldiers, our duties are to humanity first and foremost. Should there come a time that Vanz or Allyne have to make a difficult choice, both should know the difference between love and duty, of devotion and sacrifice. That at the end of the day, one must continue and to push forward, even if it meant without the other.
"Will you – stop – that – smirking!" Allyne was still red, punching her boyfriend softly by the shoulder, Vanz just continued shaking with laughter.
"Look at that, she's already imagining how she's going to confess to him, like you did!" Vanz turned her way and waved his hand in front of her. Petra got back to reality, noticing Vanz stupid look in front of her. Despite joining their friendship circle, she sure didn't like being teased by him.
"One more Vanz and I'm really going to sock you in the mouth!" She snorted. "And for Maria's sake, I really don't know what you're talking about!" She was smirking, playing along with her friends, but she found herself trying too hard to focus on a bit of sliced potato on her plate. She really did admire each and every one of the Squad Leaders and Captains. Captain Levi was just... Captain Levi. That was the most her mind could come up with. He was the Humanity's Strongest. Surely, anyone else would've been a bit uneasy to meet him, especially if they made a fool of themselves on their first impression?
Still, she felt her heart flutter a bit as she remembered the captain standing directly opposite her, his expression quizzical, looking her up and down. He was just slightly taller than her, and he looked clean for someone who just came back from an expedition. His hair was jet black, cut short with an undercut, thread-like bangs hanging in front of his face. His eyebrows were of the same color, blending in with his hair when they twitched in expression. He looked a bit pale, maybe because of worry for his subordinate? Petra thought. She remembered how he looked almost pristine and smooth with his features. Because the medic tent was small and the air hung dry, she was also able to smell him from where he stood. She caught a slight whiff of the familiar scent of dried sweat, most likely from the expedition. He didn't smell bad though, in fact, he smelled a lot more like soap than sweat in itself. She remembers the rumors that the captain is a clean-freak, someone with OCD. Maybe that one was true after all.
"I'm sorry okay! Look I was just teasing you!" Vanz had locked Allyne's arm in his, so she would stop punching him. This didn't help with the reddening in her friend's face, but she managed to compose herself to finally face her and ask, "So how did it go then? We're serious now, Petra, we won't tease you."
"I said it went fine, but…" she muttered, before hesitating and starting again, explaining how when she helped Oruo, she'd let the worry in her speak first and had practically commanded the captain to stay back and watch her friend. That she didn't even give a proper salute the first time they met in the forest. How she was so embarrassed with how badly their first meeting went.
Vanz and Allyne, despite their promise not to tease, had begun to hold back laughter.
"You were worried about that?" Vanz was openly chuckling now, and Petra felt heat rising to her cheeks.
"Hey now, that wasn't that bad," Allyne offered, trying to assuage her. It didn't help though that her shoulders were shaking trying to stop from openly laughing like the man beside her.
"Ugh, you guys!"
"But why are you getting so riled up about that! That wasn't a tad too embarrassing!" Petra was taken aback at what her friend had said. Was it really not that big of a deal? She knows herself as an overthinker, and her father had chided her many times about making big holes out of small stitches, but was it really one of those times? Was her anxiety unfounded? Why was she so bothered?
Vanz' teasing accusation brought her back to reality. "She's freaking out because it's the Captain Levi, after all!" Before he could laugh, Petra had now stood up to bonk his sandy head with her table napkin.
"But wait, was that why you didn't come back to finish your report to Squad Leader Mirane about the perimeter," Allyne thought.
What?
Vanz looked at her, a slight worry creeping up on his joking expression. "Yeah, Normin had to cover your side of the perimeter because you didn't return. Squad Leader Mirane was about to look for you when we saw the signal flare that it was time to head back."
She felt her heart sinking. She was too occupied with helping Oruo and the meeting with the captain that she forgot that she left her position, didn't finish her task and didn't inform her Squad Leader of what happened.
"Speaking of which, look. It's Squad Leader Mirane, she's waving her hand!" Petra glanced up above the second hall corridors of the mess hall. The dining tables were positioned at the center of the high hall, and both of the halls' opposites ends held stairs that led up to the corridors which housed the higher-ups' offices. Mirane was on one of the balcony-like corridors overlooking the mess hall, looking down at them on their table, her hand motioning for someone from the three of them to come up.
"I think she means you," Vanz softly nudged at her, no longer laughing. Allyne had detached her arm from her boyfriend and was sitting straight opposite Petra.
"Go on Petra, she won't get mad too much! If anything, I think she's glad that you're safe and uninjured," Allyne reassured her. Despite her looks, Mirane was beloved by her squad as she led them with positive reinforcement. Still, Petra remembers the one time she saw her mad (the expedition that caused her cadet mate's life) and she shudders at the thought of her getting mad at her.
"Ral! Come up!" Mirane's low voice boomed into the hall, the chatter of the other diners silenced as they turned to look up to who had just shouted, before keening their eyes to stare at Petra who was sitting at the middle of the hall. She felt her heart sinking deeper, dreading the situation. She gathered up her courage and gulped some water before she stood up and got out of her seat, making her way to the stairs on the right, looking back to her friends for support.
On the other side of the hall, as he climbed down from the opposite stairs on the left, Captain Levi eyed the ginger haired scout making her way up to Mirane.
.
.
"Ral, you hearing me?"
Squad Leader Mirane's voice was firm but there was a gentleness in her voice. It was just ten minutes or so of conversation but Petra's mind was already running. Spinning, she corrected herself.
She remembered how her feet were heavy up the stairs. She has been reprimanded before, and she was known to be open in accepting constructive criticism and discipline. Still, she didn't know why she was so nervous.
When Mirane had announced that she was off the squad, her mind went apes. Was what she did really that punishable? It was just a simple task on a relatively easy expedition, surely her superior would be more lenient than that? Or, what if… No, she thought. Captain Levi wouldn't be that high of himself that he'd get someone disciplined for not recognizing his authority (Why did you have to order him around, why didn't you salute properly, she exasperatedly sulked to herself).
She found herself rejecting that thought out of her mind too. She recalled what Allyne had said, that the incident was too banal to freak out about. Yes, of course. But why was she being kicked off the squad?
Her aimless thoughts were broken when her superior cleared her throat. What followed out of Mirane's mouth had cleared Petra's mind completely. She was being personally recruited by Captain Levi into the Special Ops Squad.
"Ral, are you okay?" Mirane had closed the distance between them, her callused hand patting her shoulder. She looked up and saw that her squad leader's face was mixed with sadness and worry.
"I… I just don't know what to say, Ma'am."
"Ah well, I know what you mean," Mirane uttered. She tapped Petra's shoulder lightly and motioned for her to sit on the chair in front of her. When Petra didn't budge, she went back behind her desk, pulled out a seal and started to unfurl the piece of paper that was on her left hand. Petra hadn't notice that her superior was holding something, and her gaze lingered to the movements that Mirane was making as she waxed dry the seal on the bottom left of the paper.
"I'm proud of you Petra," Mirane managed a smile before handing her the paper. "I know you'll do great things. Hell, even when you were still in my squad, you did great things already. I unknowingly gave too much of a qualified evaluation about you to Commander Erwin and Captain Levi," she started to chuckle.
Petra took hold of the paper, eyeing the seal of the Survey Corps logo on top of the letter, reading the heading just below it,
.
Official Form of Transfer
Staff Sergeant Petra Liliane Ral,
.
She didn't bother reading it through before her eyes dart up with tears as she looked at her commanding officer.
"Squad Leader, I – "
"You could just call me Mirane, you know. You're an elite soldier now," she gave her a gentle smile. Petra couldn't make out how the rankings or hierarchies work, but it was less of a concern right now, she was too focused on batting the tears off her eyes.
"Hey you, you stop that crying," Mirane joked as she pulled her subordinate in a small hug. Petra missed human touch, remembering fondly how her mother would hug her each time she would start to cry. "You're a feisty, brave girl, you shouldn't cry too much."
"Ma'am, I'm grateful for everything."
"As I am, kid. You make me proud."
.
.
Petra was a ball of emotions. She didn't know how many emotional roller coaster rides she could take in one day. After having a sentimental talk with her Squad Leader (Former Squad Leader, she corrects herself), she found herself being tasked with the most gargantuan task of the day so far.
Submit her signed paper to Captain Levi.
Ugh, here I go again, she thought. Why was she so bothered with everything concerning the captain? She reasoned with herself that she's most likely anxious to see him again after her blunders earlier in the day. But as she made her way through the corridors searching for the captain's room, she reminded herself that even without formally meeting him today, if she were tasked to do anything remotely close to meeting him, talking to him, seeing him, she would most likely be in the same position she is now, knots in her stomach and her legs going jelly.
But why is that so, she kept pestering herself. This wasn't the same emotion she felt when she dreaded meeting Squad Leader Mirane. This wasn't the sentiment she had when she recalled making her way to Instructor Shadis' room after running her ODM gear too hard in training that she broke it. No, it was a different anxious feeling.
Her train of thought got interrupted as another idea crossed her mind, making her furrow her brows in contemplation. If she made such a complete fool of herself, or disrespected him in any way, surely he would not make the call to have her join his squad? She suddenly felt a bit of pride surge in her. She wasn't sure what exemplary character or skill she showed that warranted her to become part of the elite Special Ops squad, but she did feel her confidence brimming inside her. She and her brothers were taught by their parents to keep their heads down, do their work quietly and with quality, to never ever gloat nor boast, as their actions and works will speak for them someday. She thought that now was the time that it spoke for her, landing her into this unique opportunity. She managed a smile as she thought about writing to her mother and father of her moving up in the ranks in the military, how she could send more for them each time now.
She stopped in her tracks to look at the door to her left, a rusty metal plaque glinted against the light of the lamps on the wall, with the name of the person whose office she was looking for her.
Captain Levi Ackerman, the plaque said.
She had now found his office. She took a deep breath, steadied herself and forced herself to calm down. Allyne's words from a while ago rang in her head: it wasn't too embarrassing. No need to get riled up. She breathed a sigh and placed a smile a on her face as she knocked.
Nothing.
She knocked again, this time a three-rhythm rap to the door with albeit more force.
Still nothing.
Relief washed over her for a bit. Maybe she didn't need to see him after all. All she needs to do is slide her letter in through the cracks under the door and she'd be off her merry way. Perfect.
She was about to fold the letter in a way it would fit under the door when she vaguely recalls a memory just from last week. She was headed to Squad Mirane's office as she was tasked to help with paperwork, when she saw some new recruits whispering in front of this very same door, one of them slipping in a folded letter similar to what she was trying to do now. She remembered calling them out on it and seeing them scamper off, a realization dawned to her mid-fold.
Bad idea, she shuddered as she shook her head, feeling herself blush embarrassingly. He might mistake this for a crude love letter and throw it away. This time, Mirane would surely get mad at her for misplacing the letter, and the Commander would also be involved as he would need to draft a new one… Her thoughts ran on and on before they were interrupted with abrupt footsteps stopping behind her.
"What are you doing?" She heard a firm, velvety voice speak up from behind her. She turned around and found herself face to face with the man himself, Captain Levi.
"Captain! Captain Levi!" She stammered, before forming a salute. She wouldn't forget that anymore, she reminded herself. The captain looked at her, his gaze blank, his expression turning into that quizzical look she remembered earlier.
"What's that on your hand?" He pointed to letter she kept on her hand mid-fold, the hand that was on her heart forming a salute. Before she could explain he started, "Were you the one who pushed up letters through my door?" His tone wasn't accusing, but more of genuine wonder. If Petra hadn't known him much at all, she would've guessed she's hearing a slight bit of teasing in his voice.
She felt herself going beet red.
"Uh no, captain! Actually, this is from Squad Leader Mirane. I was supposed to hand it to you," she composed herself, outstretching her arm in front of her. There wasn't much distance to outstretch to however, as the captain had started to walk to bridge the gap between them. He took the paper in her hand before passing her, turning the doorknob and entering his office. He looked back at her and motioned for her to come in.
Petra entered, taking in her surroundings, providing a momentary distraction from another embarrassing interaction. The office was dark, and Petra could make out a lone, unlit, short candle perched on the window sill.
"The door was unlocked," Levi said flatly, as he made his way behind his desk to pull out a set of matches. He lighted the candle on the sill and pulled another candle out from his desk. Petra could make out how he nodded his head towards the empty chair in front of his desk, and she took it as a sign to sit.
Levi had just finished lighting the new candle when Petra glanced around at the newly-brightened room. The captain's desk was bigger than an ordinary desk. It almost seemed like a dining table, the way you could fit chairs to its sides, aside from the chair that Petra was sitting in. It could double as a meeting board for people, she thought. The desk was smack right in the middle of the room, behind it a windowsill which she'd noted as being absolutely free of dust. To her right she saw a bookshelf which ambled from the ceiling to the floor, half of it filled with books, the bottom part filled with filing folders and paperwork. Again, they held no sign of cobwebs or dust bunnies. To the left she saw a bare wall and a smaller, normal-looking desk with drawers on each side. The whole office had a cold feel to it, almost lifeless. If it wasn't for the used candle by the sill and the overt cleanliness of the room, she wouldn't have known it was being occupied, let alone used.
"I believe you've already read and signed the paper, then?" Levi blew the match, took a piece of scratch paper from a box on his desk, placed the dried match on it and folded it to the side. He was very meticulous with trash.
"Yes, captain, I have."
"Good. Would you like to discuss them?"
She didn't even think of having anything to discuss. She was too busy being anxious about handing over the letter to further mull about its contents.
"I've read them, Captain, and I didn't seem to have any questions at the time," she replied, locking eyes with him. His expression was still blank. He started to unravel the edges of the folded paper, glancing at her with his eyebrows raised, as if he was still thinking that it was her who sent him those secret love letters. Keep it together, she thought.
She managed to form a smile at him despite herself, and she saw him study her changed expression before turning to look at the paper.
"Salary increase," he read. "No questions about that?"
"None, sir. If any, I was actually happy reading that. I could send more back home, sir," she smiled, this time more genuinely, as she thought of writing back home and sending more for her parents.
"I see. You're supporting a family, Ral?"
"A mother and father, captain. My mother is sickly, and my father is a vegetable stand owner. With the fall of Wall Maria a few years back, he really didn't have a lot more crops to import and to sell, so the new salary is good for additional capital and for their daily expenses, sir." She found herself rambling in between smiles. Levi continued to study her face, amused at how easy it was for her to open up. Her amber eyes seemed to be shining in the low flicker of the candlelight as she spoke warmly of her family.
"Are you an only child? Were they the reason you joined the Scouts?" He finds himself asking despite of himself.
"No sir. I have 2 brothers. They were scout soldiers too. You might not have heard of them, they're a lot older than me and joined years back. Oskar Ral and Ettan Ral, sir." He noticed how the shine in her eyes turned a bit somber.
"Oskar Ral is familiar. He was a captain, wasn't it?" Petra nodded, and Levi noticed the solemn look in her eyes as she blinked. Ah, they must have met their demise then if they weren't with us anymore, Levi thought to himself.
"They were the reason I joined the scouts, sir," Petra continued, her gaze solemn yet calm, her amber eyes illuminated once more by the flickering light. Levi couldn't help but notice how the amber in her eyes looked a lot like honey, almost sickly sweet. "I took it hard when they passed, but I knew in my heart that they devoted their lives for humanity's cause and I'm very proud of them." He saw how the calmness in her eyes contrasted with the intensity that was in her voice. "I wanted to make sure their sacrifices weren't in vain you know? So I took it upon myself to continue their legacy. My parents didn't take it too kindly though, they're always worrying I might not return. They told me of the state I was when my brothers didn't get back."
"Is that why you were very pressed to tell me that Oruo needed to survive because of his brother and sister?" Petra heard a sudden playfulness in his voice, and she knew that the captain remembered the absurdity of what she did that that morning. Maybe he actually found it amusing.
"Ah, well yes," she chuckled softly before continuing, "About that captain, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to order you, well, I was just worried at the moment and –"
"It's fine," the captain waved her off. His expression back to his normal self, turning to the next points in the letter.
"Room privileges. Any questions?"
Oh, Petra thought. She might have skipped that one.
"I didn't know the Elite Squad were placed in a different dorm, sir."
"It's not really a dorm. It's more of our own barracks. You all get your own private rooms. We're stationed to the outermost part of the base, next to the exit. We're the first in line to be called should danger arise."
"Oh, I see," was all she could mutter.
"Which brings me to the last point. You've signed your name under here so you've read it, yes?"
Petra nodded once more. Levi looked at her intently, scrutinizing her soft features. There wasn't any hint of fear in her as he read the clauses on the letter.
"That's it then. The waiver for more dangerous missions."
"Yes sir, I'm ready." She had such a fierceness and determination in her that Levi wondered where her spunk was coming from, considering she's of even smaller stature than him. That thought amused him a bit. Finally, someone else shorter than me in the team, he mused internally.
"Sir, I think I have a question just now," Petra broke of his thoughts. He heard the hesitation in her voice and hoped whatever her fears were, he would be able to assuage it as he was already set in drafting her into the squad. He raised his brow, an indication for her to continue.
"I was just wondering," he saw how she hesitated, her face seemed to redden under the darkness. "Why was I chosen for the squad, sir?"
The question took Levi aback. He had guessed that her questions would most likely be about the conditions of her new role, that her worries might dwell on what the dangerous missions would probably entail.
"Oruo."
"Sir?" Did Petra mishear? She didn't want to be part of the team just because Oruo talked her up. She wanted to clarify more when she heard the captain stand up from his desk and speak.
"Oruo, he's your friend, right?"
"Yes, sir."
"You didn't hesitate on coming to his rescue."
"It was what was right at the moment sir." He noticed how smart she responded. Yes, it was the right thing at the moment. One could argue though that saving comrades could easily be the worst thing to do given a different moment or scenario.
"We need more of that in my team," he said calmly, now walking past her and heading for the door.
"Sir?" She understood in a way, but she felt that there was more to clarify in the air.
"We need more of soldiers capable to discern the choices they will make and the consequences of them. Choices that will bring the least regret. They should possess the ability to loyally and fiercely stand by their actions. Coupled with innate skill, formidability and a shit ton of bravery, for me I think that's what makes an elite soldier." He looked back at her, and Petra saw how his blue irises shone against the darkness, illuminated by the light, piercing through her.
.
.
She didn't know where they were going actually. She just felt her feet move along under her as the captain motioned for her to follow him out the door.
He was walking in front of him, his hands in his pant pockets, but he didn't have that aura of a carefree, laid-back spirit that seemed to accompany boys whose hands dwelled in their pockets. She remarked how he always seemed to walk with a purpose, remembering the glint in his eyes from a while ago. When he told her of what she saw in her, she felt herself brim with pride again, her heart thumping in her chest. She was determined to prove to him that what he saw was right, that she can, will be and is an elite soldier.
The familiar feelings she had when she made her way to his office were slowly climbing back up from their dormancy. Petra felt her legs turn to jelly, her stomach knotted again in place as she followed him wordlessly through the corridor. She found it confusing.
She looked at him again, trying to see if there was an indication in his face as to where they were going, but all she could see was his back. He had significantly broad shoulders for someone his size. They looked very lean, very strong. Only now did she notice that the captain wasn't wearing their standard military jacket, but he was wearing their standard issue white long-sleeved shirt under brown ODM harnesses. The harnesses clung to his back, the wrinkles on his shirt molded into his muscles.
She started to turn a bit red as she caught herself staring. Good thing his back is to me, she thought. She made a mental note on how she shouldn't stare too much, especially so when her friends are around.
Then it dawned on her.
The last time she felt the familiar tingling sensation in the pit of stomach, the jelly-like legs and the maniacal heart beats like what she was feeling now, was when her brothers teased her when she was young.
She was taken to her youth, the time when she had just started going to school after being homeschooled for the longest time. At ten years old, she knew she had a lot of catching up to do, but their family lacked the resources for her to even manage to keep up. Books cost a fortune, and her brother Oskar had just started his enlistment, and as a trainee cadet in the military his stipend wasn't much. Still, her brother, the ever-filial son, sent most of it back home, and each month the money gets divided up between their mother's medication, additional capital for their father's stall, and her schooling fees.
Petra enjoyed being at school, being around children her same age. Her bubbly and bright self made having friends easy and natural for her, and one of them even lent her his books. Stefan, she remembered his name. She remembered how she got invited to study over his house, her feeling shy and anxious each time she made her way over to their place, her already knotted stomach being warmed by the pot of soup she held close to her, her mother insisting she bring something over for the boy's family each time. She recounted the rare times her brothers would return from their off-days from the wall, and she'd regal them of her stories about Stefan, their study sessions and the things she was learning. They were pretty attentive too, she thought, but once Oskar would crack his cheeky grin, Ettan most certainly followed suit with a low chuckle, then they'll both smile their knowing smiles, tease her until she starts hitting them, only falling back when she gets attack with tickles.
It was then she knew. How she didn't notice the same knowing look that Allyne and Vanz held for her when she talked about the captain. Those were the same looks that her brothers gave her from their youth. And the one time she was studying with Stefan, she faintly recalled the memory of a long-forgotten touch, of something brushing up her cheek, a soft yet warm sensation of lips on skin. The all too familiar knotty pit in her stomach felt even more significant now. She sighed as she understood.
She was feeling the same feelings now, and she had all the intention to push them back as she successfully did in her adolescence. But how was she going to do that, when he's now charged to be her superior officer? She let out a huff of air, finally breathing as understanding washed over her, drowning her nerves for the briefest moment. This is just the beginning, she sighed, as an excited form of anxiety started to creep up to her again. Just the beginning.