The suds on the mop gathered on the concrete floor with each wipe as Levi continued to furiously mop. It was already dark out, a chill coming in through the barracks' open front door. Despite the cold, Levi could feel the beads of sweat rolling down his forehead in his vigorous cleaning.
He'd used up most of his day in town running errands with Petra, and he continued to reflect on how odd he found himself to be in their conversations that day. He wasn't one to talk too much, the veterans knew of that, and at least that's what he knew of himself too. He was someone who was only seen when he wanted to be, would only speak when spoken too, and even then he knew how to count his words.
Thus, he was a bit perplexed with how easy he found it to talk with this one particular subordinate, eliciting in him more words and phrases that he could have ever spoken within the last month probably. He knew at some point that it was most likely the Petra's personality itself – she was like a bright light that drew people in, enveloping them in a warmth that made them feel welcome and seen. In a way he was thankful she was personable enough as it would greatly help with their team dynamics, but at the same time he wondered whether his spontaneity in talking that day was of Petra's doing, or was he so starved of human interaction that his self just gave way.
There was no use in thinking too hard about it now, he thought as he continued to scrub. They weren't even talking of anything unprofessional. Still, it would be best to maintain distance and hierarchy between them, especially that she's involved with someone else. He remembered the sandy-haired boy from earlier in the mess hall, his insides oddly churning, thinking how it would have been too easy to deal him a blow, even if he was taller than him. He exhaled, clearing his thoughts as he wiped his brow from the sweat.
"Captain, I think you're gonna be flooding the common room with how much you're mopping and scrubbing," Petra's cheerful voice rang across the hallway. She'd just finished cleaning up the rooms, the new broom they bought on her one hand, a laundry basket supported by her hip hanging on the other. She tiptoed her way across the common room, avoiding the wet spots left by the mop as she lighted some more gas lamps, bathing the barracks in a bright orange, homey light.
Levi noticed how her ginger hair shone even more under the lighting, and when she turned to face him to speak, her amber eyes glistened.
"Sir, I… The cactus, thank you for buying them." Petra's voice was almost too shy again, as she remembered how she took out the plants in the bag earlier, and was met with the captain's curt nod. Her heart continued to flutter as she took them in her hands, almost as if they were glass. She wanted to ask him why he bought two, but she wasn't dumb enough to not know the other cactus was for her.
Levi looked at her and was tempted to say how the plants cost him the rest of his salary for the month, but bit his tongue. It wasn't just a resolution to maintain distance with her, this choice to hold back conversation, but how could he say something callous like that, even if in jest, when she was genuinely happy and thankful?
He looked her over and saw that she'd changed into the cleaning uniform he upheld – standard issue clothes of white long-sleeves and regular pants, dainty towel perched on top of the head, tied just behind her hair, and a tea towel that covered her face she was in the process of removing.
"I think we're pretty much done here," she said almost to herself, returning the broom in the cupboard carefully. "Would you like some tea, sir? It's becoming pretty chilly."
"Hmm." Do you know how to make one correctly now?
"I'll try to do it the way you taught me a while ago," Petra declared, smirking as if she'd read his mind. She busied herself with the contents of the teashop bag, taking the tall blue tin out and searching for the small cheesecloth bags in the small pouches.
Levi took a seat at the head of the table, removing his towels from his head and face before folding them up neatly and placing them on the surface. Her back was turned to him as she set the kettle in place on the stovetop, now carefully spooning some loose leaves on the small bags.
She moved delicately, almost gracefully, as if in a tea ceremony. He remembered how her nails were trimmed and impeccably clean, and made her hands looked very soft. Observing her from behind, she had good posture like the most of them in the regiment, having had to strengthen their core and gait in use of ODM gear. Still, he noticed how fluid she moved, even in a place so banal like a kitchenette.
He averted his gaze after a minute, finding it peculiar how openly he stared, lost in her movements. He should've retreated back into his office as soon as he finished cleaning – a captain and a female subordinate alone in the barracks sounded like good fodder for the rumor mill, he supposed.
His train of thought was broken as a steaming cup of tea was placed in front of him, drawing him to its scent.
Petra had taken the seat opposite him, a table separating them. She fought the urge to take the chair adjacent to him, the barracks door open after all and people could walk by anytime.
She warmed her hands on her cup and brought it to her face, inhaling a whiff of the black tea. It smelled very earthy and almost sweet. Taking care not to burn her tongue, she took a sip, reveling in the nutty, bold aroma and taste of the drink.
"Wow, it really is good," she exclaimed, looking at the captain as he inspected her handiwork. Levi swirled the cup in his hands, holding it signaturely by its rim, and could no longer see any floating loose leaf. Taking a sip, he felt his throat sting a bit from the heat as his body warmed up.
"How'd I do?" Petra was beaming at him, her smile eager and warm. Was everything so interesting, so fun for her?
"Good."
"I did great or was the tea great?"
"Tch." She must've thought we were friends now, with the way she asks those questions, Levi muttered to himself as he took another sip. All the more reason to make sure there wouldn't be a repeat of the day's chattiness, he concluded. He didn't mind if she spoke her head off, but now that he had his fill of human interaction, he knew he wouldn't be as unprompted to talk as he were earlier that day, even if it was about tea.
Petra took another sip of the tea in front of her as a way to ignore the silence. She knew the captain wasn't someone who conversed a lot, but she remembered how openly he talked that day and was starting to miss the way he made conversation. She recalled how he held a glint in his eyes as he talked about tea, his usual reticent and reserved gaze peeling away with each passing word. She felt warm in thinking she saw that side in him, that that part of him was real and she had witnessed it, however fleeting it was.
Looking at him now, Petra saw that the taciturnity in him was back on. His eyes were back to its narrowed self, a blank gaze in them as he stared across the room, inspecting their clean-up.
Eager to make conversation, she tried to think of ways to talk about tea, before coming to her senses and biting her tongue. Didn't she made a pact to herself earlier that morning to not get attached? There was this whole idea of helping him, of being a friend to him if he needed one, but her resolve was to not get too fond of the man in front of her. Surely getting to talk with him would just affirm her affections. She resorted to being content in gazing at him from afar, figuratively and literally, at ease and comfortable in their shared stillness.
Levi felt eyes boring into him as he sipped his tea, and cocked his head to his subordinate's direction, where she held his gaze. A light reddish tint was creeping up at her cheeks, almost hidden by the amber hue of the room's light, if not for his clear vision. She cupped her tea, as if to hide herself, taking a sip, lowering her gaze the slightest.
"Now that Oruo's back in shape and training had begun again, we need to make a report of this week's ODM run in the forest," he spoke straightly, as if to himself. Work was a good and relatively safe enough topic to discuss between… workmates.
"Yes sir."
"And an expedition is looming before this end of the month, so make sure you are in top shape."
"Of course."
"Tomorrow when the rest of the guys come back, we're going to start on perfecting your team dynamics. You must all be able to work together and synced up, to be able to even coordinate attacks inaudibly."
"Will do that captain."
The silence hovered them, thick in the air. Levi wasn't budging, comfortable in the quiet. Petra could hold her own too, but there was a hint of confusion riddled in her face as the captain continued to speak to her professionally, maybe even coldly. It was as if the person who joined her around town earlier in the day was a different man from the captain in front of her.
Maybe she'd done something to offend him, she shuddered, her thoughts swimming in her head as she tried to recall them. Her unwavering skill in overthinking was getting the best of her again, so she did what she could at the moment and drank some more tea, imitating as the captain did. The warmth from the drink gave her some comfort as she cleared her thought, finding herself face to face with him again, his blue irises poring into her.
"Captain, about the training report you mentioned…" Petra remembered the instance they met Commander Erwin on the day she was drafted into the Special Ops squad, how he had instructed her to take over paperwork duties for the captain. "Is that part of the paperwork that the Commander assigned us to do?"
Shit. He forgot that Erwin put her up to doing paperwork for him.
"Yes. I really have been behind it," he conceded, a small sigh escaping him. "You could start next Friday after dinner to come by the office to work on it."
"Oh okay."
Some minutes passed, and no other words were spoken between them. Petra fiddled on some bread on the table, the sweetened, nutty kind she bought quite a number of, but she didn't offer him some. She found it went well with the tea, occupying her thoughts for the moment. She'd peek every now and then at the captain, whose eyes were mostly staring away, lost in thought most likely. She noticed he'd stop sipping a few minutes back.
"Captain? Petra?" Gunther's voice rang through the door, a rucksack slung across his back as he removed his boots by the doorframe. His face was tired, but an incredulous and quizzical expression hung on him on seeing the two of them together.
"Oh, you're back. How's your trip?" Petra had stood up, feeling a bit flushed and embarrassed, keen to find something to do. She went back to the kitchenette to grab a cup for Gunther as he settled in.
"Pretty cool. I just got some books and stuff from the town over. Didn't go back to home to Trost this time cause the trip's too tiring with some road constructions across the east. Captain, what are you doing here?"
"I was just about to leave," Captain Levi said, having now stood up as well. Gunther eyed him as he took the seat adjacent to what the captain occupied, setting his rucksack down as Petra handed him his cup.
"You brats better not be late for tomorrow's training," he ordered, as he made his way outside.
Petra held a hand to Gunther, as if signaling him to wait for a moment, as she fought her footsteps which followed the captain outside the breezy night.
"Captain!"
Levi had turned ever so slightly at her voice, echoing through the darkness of the camp, her face warm and illuminated by the gas lamp on the barracks' porch. He raised his eyebrows, signaling her to speak.
"Um, you forgot your cactus." Her mouth formed words of its own, searching for a reason to get him to stay a bit longer. Her face looked dejected, almost sad under the light, and Levi felt an undistinguishably pang why.
"Just bring it next time when you do the paperwork," he said as he turned back to walk, before Petra's soft voice broke the air again.
"Captain if I did something wrong, I'm sorry." He turned back to face her completely this time, her face now indeed pained. He felt himself ease up at her vulnerability, at the same time, something gripped him from within, taken aback by how this is the first time he saw her in this light.
"I was just tired, don't think about it." He waved his hand in the air as if to physically shrug it off, but Petra didn't respond, her worried face framed by her hair being blown by the wind.
"Thanks for the tea." He muttered, not making sure if she'd heard, as he made his way into the night.
.
Petra hung by the doorframe as she watched the captain's retreating figure go smaller and smaller. She felt her heart go heavy, confusion rising up from within. Her thoughts raced one another in her head as she thought of all possible reasons for the change in his behavior. She was convinced that the man who spoke impersonal words to her mere seconds ago wasn't the same person she'd been with the rest of the day.
"Petra, you okay?" She heard Gunther's voice call her from back inside, rooting her back to the ground, to reality. "You should come in and close the door, it's getting pretty cold."
Following his order, Petra closed the door and made her way back to the table, where Gunther was busy examining the cacti.
"Where'd this come from? D'you go into town too today?"
"Ah yes. The captain bought that actually."
"Really now? I didn't know he liked plants," Gunther wondered out loud, carefully touching the spikes on one of the cacti. He took in the information and didn't know what was more puzzling – that the captain brought plants home or that he went into town alone with someone.
"Hey Gunther, did the captain ever speak a lot to you guys before?" Petra busied herself with cleaning up the table, and she was comforted in a way to see the captain's empty cup, its bottom sheened with what little remained of the tea.
"Not really. He isn't really one to talk too much as you know."
"Yeah, I thought so too."
"But when he does speak, he's pretty blunt about it. Haven't heard him talk about anything else but work though." Gunther offered, sipping his tea. He watched Petra miss her step for a bit as she made her way to the sink.
Most of the scouts used to say that Gunther was like a shadow – silent yet always present. Working as a laborer in Trost, he was used to working quietly, choosing to observe the people around him and imitating the successful way they did their work. His strength was his selling point when he joined the scouts, figuring that he could at least make an impact on his life and on others, even if he didn't have a chance to go to school.
Joining the Special Ops squad, the captain had noticed the potential of his wit, something that only his mother used to see in him. From his encouragement, Gunther sharpened his critical thinking skills, developing his knack for deducing and picking up on things not readily seen by others.
"Why do you ask?" he inquired, eyeing Petra as she finished washing the cup and started to sit across from him.
"He… had a lot of things to say today, when we were out in town," Petra fiddled with her fingers on the table. She usually wasn't keen on talking about things like this with Allyne and Vanz, but among her new squadmates, Gunther held a gentle, sensitive disposition that made it easy to open up to him about… matters of the heart.
"He was… very open when he talked about tea. We went into different shops, got lost in time a bit, and… he just had a lot to say. He joked some too," she continued, recalling him in her memory, articulating her thoughts as if in doing so she could convince herself that she wasn't just imagining that side of him. "But when we got back after the long day, it was like a switch flipped. From hot to cold, from night to day. He went back to his usual quiet self."
"Hmm."
Petra felt her cheeks redden. She glanced at Gunther and saw that he smiled at her encouragingly.
"I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm rambling on about this," she held his gaze and as if in understanding, he gave her a small nod and a wink as he continued to sip his tea.
"I won't tell anyone else about this, Petra." Gunther declared, almost solemnly, save for the wink in his eye.
…?
"I don't know what you're talking about."
Gunther let out a small guffaw of laughter. Although he was the quieter one among the squad, he knew when is the time for some good banter.
A small giggle escaped from Petra's mouth as Gunther's laugh let out some of the heaviness she felt from a while ago. Of course. In hindsight, if someone from the squad were to know of her feelings for the captain, it would definitely be the introspective Gunther.
Feeling her guard go down, she slumped on the table, exasperated and sighing, almost like a child. Still, she wanted to avoid a potentially awkward conversation. Trying to test him, she raised her head slightly, peeking in from her hair, and asked, "Gunther, am I right in thinking that you know what I'm thinking?"
Gunther let out another laugh, louder this time. "Of course. Women, and maybe even men, of all walks of life, adore him, so I don't blame you at all."
Of course he knew what she was talking about.
"Uuuggh!" She exhaled a long, whined sigh, her voice exasperated, and it didn't help that Gunther kept smirking at her. She had her face to her palms now, burying them deeper as if in embarrassment, like a teenage girl caught in a secret crush. Gunther could make out the red on her cheeks that were now creeping their way up to her ears.
She didn't waste a moment in keeping him up to speed with what she already shared to Vanz and Allyne. If any, she'd told him more than what she'd told her other friends. It's not like she had a lot of chances to talk to them recently about all this development, now that they belonged to different squads. She expected Gunther to at least be understanding, but she marveled as to how he was actually very receptive to her stories, his expression softening with each intrigue she shared, his eyes studious.
She recounted her resolve on not being attached in helping him, but that the incident today made her mind overthink. Finally understanding her predicament, Gunther spoke, "I think you're in limerence."
"What?"
"Limerence." Gunther repeated, as if it was something plain as day. When Petra held the same confused look on her face, he remembered his trip into the neighboring town and brought out a book from his rucksack. Now that he had some money, he spent what he could on reading.
Petra glazed her eyes on the book that Gunther held in front of her, a beautiful hardbound book with embossed lettering that read, "Of Love and Limerence".
"I think what you're experiencing isn't love – " Petra's eyes grew marble-like, her face beet red and her hands in the air shaking wildly in denial, "It's limerence." Gunther said almost forcefully, distracting her.
She was shocked with the loudness of his voice, but even more with the words he mentioned. She was sure she didn't feel love (how could Gunther even imply that), but what does he mean when he said "limerence"?
"I know it's not love, Gunther," she said defiantly, Gunther's knowing eyes boring into her. "It's just… a crush? An infatuation? Admiration of some wicked, intense sort?"
"Limerence."
"Will you please stop repeating that and just explain it to me?"
"What do you know of the captain?" He folded his arms to his chest, his eyebrows rising to the question.
"What?"
"Just answer the question for now, Petra. I'll explain later on."
Playing along, she recounted to him what she knew of Captain Levi from even before she was part of the squad.
"Okay then, so it's Humanity's Strongest…" Gunther started, counting his fingers as if ticking imaginary checkboxes. "Brave, loyal, courageous, smart, handsome Captain Levi. That about it?"
"Those weren't the words I said!" Petra was stewing in embarrassment now, painfully aware of the red on her face, but she couldn't help but laugh in the way Gunther found innocent enjoyment in interrogating her.
"So you mean to tell me you didn't see him in light of those words?"
Silence.
"As figured," He remarked. Looking at her pointedly, he said, "And I bet you still view him in the same way."
Petra shyly nodded in response.
"Captain Levi's more than that, and I know you know that too," he began. "But limerence is when you handpick certain traits and experiences about the object of your affection, and shaping it out to a bigger story about who they are instead of letting time fill in the gaps. You've just known him for just a handful of months after all."
That much was true, Petra thought. She knew he was more than what his reputation spoke of him, but of course when he's in her mind, he's pictured as all the qualities that Gunther just ticked off. He was the Captain Levi, and from their very first official meeting, she was nothing but star-struck.
"You feel the same dopamine rush, wanting more of that person, more of his time, of his affection even. But it's short sighted, conditional. Like a craving. In turn, you overthink everything else when things don't go your way.
Love, however, is steady and grounding. A deep connection that people develop after knowing one another, experiencing life together, and overcoming challenges together. There's a vulnerability with love that makes you choose the other, even after knowing all their past, their baggage and negative sides."
Petra stared at him in disbelief. She was amazed with how eloquently Gunther described complicated emotions, and at the same time, she felt a wave of understanding course through her. All the thoughts that were running in her mind, the feelings she had been denying in herself were rising above the surface. Could she really be in limerence?
"How do you know all this?" Was all she could say, dumbstruck with what Gunther's revelation for her held. He smiled almost cheekily as he pointed to the book that Petra held.
"You can borrow that if you want."
"But Gunther, what now?" She looked at him almost pleadingly, her amber eyes shining in the glow of the gas lamps, and Gunther felt for her.
"What do you want to do?"
"Like I said, I genuinely just want to help him. And not get attached."
"Not to fall in love," he corrected. "You're in limerence so you already have one foot out the door."
Petra sighed, her head slunking back into the table. "I don't want to do this to him."
"But you're not doing anything," he clarified for her. His smile was gentle on hers, and Petra was reminded of all those times her brother Ettan would comfort her in her woes, his silent maturity embedded in the same look that Gunther held. "Petra, you're human. You're free to feel."
She raised her head from the table and clutched her chest, feeling herself concede to the truth that he was saying.
"Limerence is selfish, it wants something in return," he continued, his gaze still warm and encouraging on Petra's. "But love is selfless. When you really love someone, you want them to be happy despite what they can give you."
Petra thought that she wouldn't want anything else but for the captain to continue living his best life, healthy, happier if it were possible, even if that entailed nothing in return for her. She relayed this to him as such.
"Ah," he said softly. "I take back what I said then."
"About what?"
"About you being in limerence."
"What do you mean?"
"With what you've just said and the way you want to help him – that you want him just happy and well, with no regard as to what he'll think of it, or what will be the return," Gunther mulled his thoughts, forming the words that would send Petra into realization. "I think you're almost to the point of leaving limerence, and time with him will definitely take you to the next step. Heck, I think you're already there. It's just a matter of stepping forward."
She blinked, raising her eyes to meet his stare. All these feelings she pushed back, all the love she felt that she'd been denying. She remembered Vanz words from earlier that day. But was it really love though?
She was tempted to ask him again, without breaching the subject, if he knew that she knew what he was thinking.
As if reading her mind one more time, Gunther concluded, "Take the next step, you're almost there. And I know that you know that you are. Dive in headfirst and just give in to your love. Doesn't mean he has to return that. Heck, love him from afar if that's what you want."
But seeing how the miniscule interactions the two of them had when he'd arrived in the barracks, the way the captain held a glint in his eyes when Petra spoke to him, Gunther thought that it wouldn't be impossible to think that the of them would meet at the crossroads of their emotions. Maybe the Captain would get to where she is, in time. If only they had a lot of it though, he thought sadly.
"Who knew…" Petra began, her tone half-sighing, half smiling. "Of all places and of all people, I would find love in this Ymir-forsaken profession, where people don't know that the next time they go out of the walls would be their last." Petra sighed completely, her smile sad, understanding and acceptance floating through her. "And that I'll be listening to love advice from a fellow soldier," Petra grinned, punching him softly at his arm.
Gunther smiled back at her before taking another long sip.
"One more word of advice, Petra. Love waits for no one. Remember that."
.
.
Levi couldn't hear the words everyone else was speaking. His eyes were closed, but he was far from being sleepy. His head just wasn't as present. He remembered the way Petra's sad face shone in the moonlight, and for some reason his thoughts pestered him, goading him that it was his fault.
How despicable he is, he surmised. Even a ray of sunshine can turn into gloom just by his presence. Of course, she was smart enough to pick up on his change of demeanor, and that most likely explained her dejected look when he spoke coldly to her as he departed. His thoughts swirled into images in his mind – of his mother, of Isabel and Furlan, of his fellow youth in the underground, and hell, even Kenny. All the people that grew close to him had left. All the better not to let anyone else draw closer.
Even if it would cause her some initial pain, this is for the best, he thought. At least that's what he was convincing himself of.
"Like I've said, I wanted to hear the reports on the new Special Ops Squad," Erwin's voice was louder than from before, as if he had just repeated himself. Mike nudged Levi by his shoulder, and he opened his eyes to see that everyone else was staring at him.
"I know you're quiet, but you're awfully quieter today, Levi!" Hange quipped, her voice her usual manic tone, in her hand a long piece of paper on her recent report about titans.
"I think he's just tired. We saw him with his subordinate around town today, right Mike, Moblit?" Nanaba remarked, her tone devoid of teasing or accusation. It was just an innocent question, but Levi felt some form of heat rise to his cheeks.
"Tch."
"You went into town today?" Erwin's tone was amused, the professional air of the meeting almost gone. "Glad to hear you had a nice day-off." He wasn't mocking, he meant the words he said. "Who were you with?"
When he stared blankly and didn't respond, it was Mike who interjected, "It was that scout soldier with red-hair. Petra wasn't it?"
"Yeah, the pretty one," Nanaba confirmed, her head nodding in approval.
Erwin shot him a knowing look, a smile forming in his lips. Hange's expression was unique, almost in awe as she stared at him too. Why is everyone ganging up on me now, Levi sulked to himself.
It was too early to think of anything, but the Commander was someone who liked to run scenarios ahead in his thoughts, like a 4D chess game. Of course, this move could result in potentially disastrous consequences than what his mind is currently dwelling on and rooting for, but still, it was pretty good progress. He was sincerely happy to know that his best captain had started to form relationships of his own outside of their veteran group.
Though he and the veterans held genuine care for him, Erwin knew that the scars of his past made Levi a man very closed and unrevealing. The time he spent observing him with Isabel and Furlan, no matter how short that time was, had led him to believe that his control and moderation also gave way to moments of tenderness and warmth. It was just a matter of time, and a matter of finding someone who could bring that out in him again.
They could provide him of only so much companionship, and it would take a special kind of person to get Levi to open up again, and that would be someone he would be willing to be vulnerable with.
Internally, he found himself cursing the lifetime they were in – an epoch where peace could only be substantially maintained if enough people were to dedicate their hearts for the sake of humanity. Could he even call it peace, the way they lived in uncertainty? The lack of truth and clarity gripping them each time they ventured out, the fickleness of their lives looming over them like a cloud with each gallop they and their horses take, moving farther and farther away from the walls.
Maybe that's why he was a staunch supporter of the romantic. Even when he didn't receive the love he had hoped for from many years back, he wasn't one to take that liberty from the others, to doom them into a hopeless life of servitude, without having loved or lost.
If only they had more time.
But no one can promise time to anyone.
"I think we should return to the main point I discussed a while ago, yes?" Hange's voice rang across the room, having stood up from across the table, waking him from his thinking. "As I was saying Erwin, my research shows that titans lack movement at night, as evident by the inactivity from the edges of the wall each time night passes."
"This has also been reaffirmed by the garrison soldiers." Moblit added, backing Hange up.
"We have months' worth of reports from the garrison in this joint study, and I believe this has a lot of truth into it. It's just a matter of venturing out at night to test it for ourselves!" She waved the papers in her hands excitedly, some flying across the boardroom table.
"And what would come of it if it were to find out that titans don't move at night?" Nanaba asked, her brows furrowing in thought.
"Expeditions can be made safer if we could travel at night. We'd lack visibility but we would keep a higher survival rate." Levi spoke, his tone flat. The suggestion did hold merit, but he was more thankful to have gotten out from the previous awkward conversation.
"True. We could set-up more strategic missions in establishing additional bases, setting up supply routes and camps deeper into the outsides of the wall." Mike offered, thinking it over.
"But aren't we just running through this by mere speculation? The reports we had were just of those near the wall, but what about beyond that? Levi made a point about lack of visibility. If we all charged ahead at night and our theory goes wrong, we could lose more than half of the battalion in just one expedition." Erwin countered.
"That's why I have this idea of setting up a trial run." Hange's glasses glinted under the light of the gas lamps around them, before flickering over to meet Levi's gaze.
"Oi, you don't mean," Mike interrupted, catching on.
"So my team will act as bait?" Levi's eyebrows twitched, his tone almost scathing. The thought of sending his new squad across a dark, unknown field not sitting right with him.
"Of course not. Not as bait at least." Hange defended, settling down back to her seat as she rearranged the papers. "The Special Ops team would draft a plan to reach the base we established the last expedition. The base had been securely protected in its perimeter by large, strong nets that can either deter or entrap titans. The distance would take just a few hours in riding, and the goal is to get to the base and back, and report any titan sightings at night."
"The small size of Captain Levi's group would make it easy to avoid detection by the titans, as the goal is not to engage but to observe. The base is just a straight-ahead ride, and any miniscule sign of danger can be countered by just riding back immediately," Moblit further explained.
Erwin pondered the suggestion, weighing the pros and cons. There wouldn't be much need to request a lot of supplies and budget for this mission, he thought, which could garner them easy approval. But at the same time, he didn't want to risk the Special Ops squad's safety, and surely the Scouts' already few sponsors would not take it kindly to hear that the Captain Levi and his team got sent out in a risky operation with little to no back-up.
Still, they didn't know the extent of Levi's capacity. He could surely handle the mission, and if proven to be a success, could pave the way to more effective expeditions in the future. But what did he think of it, for the sake of his squad?
"What do you think Levi?" He looked across the wide table to his left, where Levi sat small.
"Tch." He didn't like the idea at all, but if Erwin were to order it, he didn't think he'll have a choice. All he could is prepare the team for it.
"Think about it Erwin. This could be one more step in finding out the truth about the titans," Hange pressed on, her tone excited.
Clasping his temples, Erwin placed his bet. "Very well then. Levi, I want a detailed report on how your squad is doing, and set-up a plan with Hange and Moblit for the next expedition. If successful, we'll do more trial runs, next with Mike's squad and then of the rest of the leaders, before we incorporate this to the rest of the scout's strategy."
.
Levi's head was pounding as he let the water soak him in, his second shower for the day even more less enjoyable than the first.
He was used to the same same gut-churning feeling in the pit of his belly whenever they were to set out for missions. Contrary to popular belief, he still knew and understood fear. It's just that he never feared fear in itself.
But the sentiment he had nursing in his gut was an agitated distress, turning him over upside down. He felt it new and unwelcoming, uneasy thoughts forming a particular face in his mind. It was of his red-haired subordinate, her face unseen in the dark of night, riding in a pitch-black field. He knew it was her in this scenario he conjured, even if he couldn't see her at all, as her scent was palpable even in his daydreams.
He placed his hands across the wall in front of him, leaning them a bit too hardly as he closed his eyes in a manner equally forceful, the hot water making contact with his back.
He wasn't sure if he was perturbed of the thought that he was sending her to potential death in just her first mission. He felt worry for the rest of his squad in previous missions before, but his concern for Petra was growing too daunting.
His thoughts scrolled to their time around town earlier that day, how she was in her element, exploring new things and enjoying the trivial. He remembered how her dejected face looked haunting, the way she spoke to him when she asked for forgiveness if she'd done something wrong, not knowing that it was his conscious resolution to prohibit her from getting close. He pieced together his feelings of worry for her and the time they had that day, further confirming his resolve to detach himself from her.
He washed and dried up quickly, abandoning his thoughts as he mechanically followed his routine. Getting dressed in his regular uniform, he headed back to his office to take his usual seat.
As he sat in his dark room, he felt unbelievably drained from all the talks they had in the meeting, yet sleep wouldn't visit him. Gathering his thoughts as he tried to place his head on his desk to rest, he understood that the him earlier that day, the one who spoke openly of his guarded thoughts and tea, didn't actually speak because of a lack of human interaction. He spoke because of her after all.
Not wanting to think about it deeper, he closed his eyes and counted his breath, impatiently waiting for the sun to rise.
.
.
The days had droned on ever too quickly, and before anyone knew it, another week had come and gone, and the promise of a training-devoid Saturday made Petra the slightest bit cheerier. It had been a uniquely difficult week since the day-off, with most of the team coming back from the vacation weirdly.
It started the following morning, with a messed-up morning routine.
Petra woke up later than usual, grasping her bedside clock before cursing internally, sure that them being late would mean another round of toilet duty. Her talk with Gunther the previous night had left her uneasy to sleep, thoughts crowding in her mind in her new-found realization. Still, she made a note of not letting herself get too bothered with it, as their talk only affirmed the emotions she'd been nursing for some time now, labeling them with a name and rendering them true.
She gathered her things and prepared herself for the showers, as waking up late meant the boys had to use the common bathroom before her.
It was to her shock though, to find that the bathroom was empty, save for one recently wet stall, and the barracks quiet and still, a smell of burnt coffee wafting in from across the hall. Making her way to the common room dining area, she'd surmised from a disheveled Eld that Gunther had slept in, sick from riding out in the cold of last night, and that Oruo was first to get up, bright and cheery, making horrible coffee for everyone.
Confused by the change in routine, she grabbed her cup and sat beside Eld, taking him in. He must've gotten back in the wee hours of the morning when the house was asleep, since they didn't hear him hit the sack. His hair a mess, Petra noticed he was still wearing his riding clothes, and his eyes held deep-set bags under them. Did he even sleep when he got back?
"Eld, are you okay?" Something was off about him, she knew. The Eld she was used to was like her brother Oskar – always smiling and eager to help. The man beside him now hung his head low, absolutely forlorn.
Looking up at her slightly, Eld managed a weak smile, a mask on his face as he spoke, "Huh? Oh, I'm fine Ginger." He took a swig of coffee, and Petra saw that his hand shook as he lifted the cup.
Something must have happened, and his situation worried her, and she was about to prod some more when Oruo came bursting into the door, his loud voice announcing that the captain was now ticked off for them taking such a long time before arriving for training.
Since then, it had been a week of chaos – Eld miserable and unspeaking, Gunther huffing and coughing from illness, and Oruo louder and more annoying than ever. Their training days suffered the most from all this, and the captain had punished them with latrine duty, not just for their barracks but for the entire camp's toilets.
Petra couldn't find the opportunity to talk to Eld after that, as the squad had spent most of their time bickering and arguing, clocking in more hours in the bathrooms instead of the practice field, as each disastrous training session earned them repeats of cleaning duty, even for the toilets they'd already scrubbed.
"Scrub until your hands go numb and get your shit together, you brats!" Was all they ever heard from the captain, clearly unimpressed and angered by their dismal performances.
So when they faced him that Friday, Petra felt the usual turning of her stomach, but this time, it was of fear.
Levi walked past his subordinates, who've formed their regular line in front of him. The past week had been a huge horse shit, no other word coming close in his mind to describe it. The churning in his stomach grew deeper with each passing day, the expedition looming close. He had held off informing them of the exact nature of the operation – that the Special Ops squad will be doing the mission solo, and at night – with the idea to run them through trainings first and assess their capacity before giving his report to Erwin.
He was close to telling the Commander that his squad wasn't ready, but a part of him knew that that held little truth. Skill-wise, they were the best of the best, but as a leader, he'd grown to understand and feel for his subordinates, and he knew they were on roadblocks since everyone came back from the weekend break, hurting their performance.
Eld had barely made any sound during their trainings, not even during their punishments. His usual cool and collected self disappeared over the weekend, and if he couldn't be counted on as second-in-command, the team is already doomed.
He made a mental note to talk to him about his problem, though a hint of girl problems crossed Levi's mind. He shook his head, disappointed, since he once had an idea on getting Eld to advise Petra in her relationship.
Gunther had been nothing but disgusting, with his phlegmed cough and sticky sneezing. His condition severely impacted the way he moved during ODM skills practice and rendered his physical prowess almost non-existent. Oruo, on the other hand, was the only one who seemed recharged by the break, having spent time with family, but his overenthusiastic joy kept causing arguments with both Eld and Gunther.
Petra was… The most normal of the bunch, he gathered. Except for the fact that she was actively avoiding him now. He sighed, not knowing if he should address this to her, his resolution clear within that he was to stop any non-work related conversation with her and the squad. Obviously, the change in him pained her, but she shouldn't have expected anything from him from their one trip out of town, a slip-up in his psyche causing him to talk too much, giving him the air of being friendly.
Or maybe she was avoiding her because her boyfriend told her to.
In any case, he was hopeless to get them back to their feet, as he had planned to finally divulge to them the details of the upcoming expedition. Turns out that Mike's suggestion of torturing them with physical labor is not enough to get them back to their senses, and he wasn't keen on doing Hange's proposal of making them study Titan anatomy with Moblit.
Erwin's suggestion seemed the most sensible, but Levi had trouble how to implement it exactly…
"Listen up brats," He began as he continued to pace, his boots making contact with soft grass, warmed from the sun. They were at the edge of the ODM forest practice area, but he had more in mind than just honing their maneuvering skills.
His subordinates straightened up as he passed each of them by, and he continued, "The upcoming expedition is by the next week, and it's about time you understand the nature of the mission."
"It's not a mission for the whole regiment. It's a solo mission for the Special Operations Squad." He stood in front of them now, analyzing their expressions. He looked over at Oruo, excited and pumping his fists, raring to go. Gunther to his side was the opposite - he stood still and listened attentively, and Levi was happy to have heard no more sneezing sounds for once. Eld on one hand, had looked more depressed, if it were even possible, his head hanging lower and his fists balled to his sides. Petra looked straightly ahead, her eyes fierce and determined, no hint of fear on her face.
He recounted to him the veterans' conversation the week prior, the goal of the mission and their plan to reach the base, camp out for the night and return before daybreak. Their unchanging expressions did nothing to assuage his worry.
"And with the abysmal way each of you approached trainings this week, we're going to do something different before we start with our ODM race." He saw Petra's ears perk up to the word 'race', her competitive edge making known to him. He half hoped to see Eld become excited with the challenge, as it had been months since their previous concours, but his eyes remained glued to the grass.
Wordlessly, he slunk himself to the ground, sitting cross-legged in front of them, his arms crossed on his chest. He motioned for them to do the same, and each of them half-heartedly plopped down to the grass, confused.
Levi found himself rubbing his temples, his eyes closed. What am I doing?
Erwin's words rang in his ears as he recounted his predicament and the scouts' roadblocks: Communication. You need to get them to open up to one another and to yourself if you want them to work seamlessly.
Just when he'd already planned to keep his distance, to keep his mouth shut with them, here he is now in a cursed semi-circle, the soft grass and the sunshine mocking him as he invites them to pour their hearts out. Pathetic.
With much stoic, he explained to them the exercise, exceptionally highlighting that it was Erwin's idea for all of the squads.
He'd be asking them a series of questions, and they were to look him in the eye and be as honest as possible, with the goal to open up to one another and to relieve themselves of whatever could be on their minds. He expected them to laugh incredulously at the cheesy drill, but there wasn't much change in their expressions.
He stared at the four of them, looking for his first volunteer. Eld was an immediate pass, as he's too depressed for the exercise to go first. Oruo seemed too excited to be up for first as well.
Levi's eyes narrowed, focusing his gaze to Gunther and deciding he could be a good first choice. He didn't get a chance to call him though however, as the instant their eyes met, Gunther started to dry heave, sneeze and cough all at the same time. Levi was almost unconvinced until he heard the familiar traces of phlegm…
Having no choice, he looked to Petra, whose eyes were daggers on Gunther.
"Oi, Petra."
Captain Levi's voice boomed as he called her name, and she was immediately pulled to look at her superior in front of her. She was thankful she only caught a slight glimpse of Gunther's triumphant smirk, or she would've stood up from her spot to smack him right then and there. She was close to regretting opening up to Gunther that night, as she never thought he'd be worse than Eld and maybe even Oruo when it comes to teasing!
Still, she found their exercise very odd and so out of the captain's character, but she knew better than to question the Commander's ideas. She was amused in thinking she and Gunther already had done an opening-up activity last week, their topic of focus the captain himself. He was staring at her now, his blue irises a contrast to his dark black hair.
She stared back at him, the first time in that week since she had a good look of his face. She'd been avoiding him, her realizations reasoning to her that it was best to steer clear of him entirely so as not to run to any more side moments unnecessary for work.
Why did she have to go first now though, she thought. She had trouble meeting his gaze, a familiar heat rising to her cheeks. She swore that if her face bore any sign of blush, she couldn't chalk it up to being worn from training. He continued to look at her as if words were stuck to his throat, and she tried her best not to avert her gaze. And is all this staring even part of the exercise?!
Levi found a hint of red creeping up to her cheeks as he stared at his subordinate, his brain freezing. He wasn't sure if he found the set of questions Erwin provided to him utterly ridiculous, which is why he couldn't get his mouth to speak. Or was his resolve so strong in maintaining distance from her that he couldn't utter a single word?
She didn't look bothered too much this week, nor did her demeanor show any signs of being too sad or too manic. What kind of questions should he ask her then?
"What is your weakness?" He said, almost dumbly.
Petra stared at him, disbelief coloring her face now. She could see from the corner of her eye that Gunther's shoulders were bobbing up and down softly, his head to the sky as if holding back laughter. What is the deal with these questions and why is my answer about him?!
"I don't understand the question, sir."
"Shit." Levi sighed exhaustedly, cursing Erwin over and over mentally. This is plain stupid, and if he were to be asked, he didn't believe this would do anything at all. But he was deep into it now, and he's the type of person to push through with what he'd started, so… "Erwin explained it as, if you were to go into an expedition, what thoughts go into your head, thoughts that make you worry, thus, making it a weakness in battle."
Petra mulled his question, deep in thought. "My parents, captain." Levi raised a brow, encouraging her to continue.
"I'm not really afraid of dying," she had a small smile, but her eyes held the same determination from a while ago. "I'm more afraid of what my death would do to them, if they'd find out I perished. They already lost two sons from this profession. That's what on my mind when I go out on expeditions, so I try my best to get back to them alive each time."
Levi took her answer in, her eyes back to the ground and her face serene. It gave good insight to her as a person, and he found himself wanting to ask follow-ups after follow-ups from her revelation. Sticking to the exercise however, he turned to look to Gunther.
"I'm scared of dying sir," he chuckled nervously, before looking at Petra, "I know you're really brave for not being afraid of death, but I can't really say the same about me.
I only have my mother now and she's not really happy with me being in the scouts. I joined because I know this is where I could make a difference. I don't want to die without having achieved peace for everyone in the walls."
Levi held shock in his face as his subordinates starting to reveal themselves to one another, slowly but surely. Come to think of it, all that he knew of them were surface-level and lacked any substance. Hearing their intentions and thoughts about joining the Scouts and reasons for survival tugged at him, the worry in his stomach sinking deeper and deeper.
Looking at Eld, he motioned for him to speak. "I think about my girlfriend, sir." He said in a voice almost inaudible, his legs now up to his face as he hugged them.
So he was right, Levi thought. The reason he's been so downcast recently was about his girl. He raised his brow to him to get him to open up, but when no words came out of him more, Oruo volunteered.
"On my part, I guess I think a lot about my family, captain." Oruo spoke next, his voice unusually quiet and calm, instead of his recent boisterous self. "Seeing them just last week when I visited, I felt like not returning to camp to just stay behind with them forever. But when I look at them being safe and happy, I remember soldiers in green cloaks outside the walls, fighting to keep the smiles on children's faces, like those of my brother's and sister's, so I choose each time to ride my horse and come back here. To make sure they keep that same peace."
Levi asked the more appropriate questions from those that Erwin provided him, and with each round, he felt the heavy atmosphere in the air from his team lift up slowly, and then completely. They were all sitting relaxed now in the grass, as if enjoying conversation, and Eld had even managed to speak more sentences today than the past week.
"I'm sorry if I've been too loud these past few days," Oruo expressed one time, looking at all of them. "It wasn't fair of me to rub my happiness on all of you, I know I can be pretty annoying."
"Yeah you are, you're the reason it took me so long to get well," Gunther quipped, standing up to smack Oruo before giving him a bear hug.
"Oi, what was that for!" Oruo pushed off of him with little force and Petra had also stood up to come over and tear their friendly banter apart. She gave them a squeeze in their arms as she smiled, and said:
"Let's survive this. Together." She reached a hand out to Eld as he stood up, and Oruo pulled him into a tight hug that Eld returned.
They turned to him expectantly, the captain still sitting on the grass. He was happy to hear them speak their mind, and even happier that they didn't notice he didn't answer the questions he posed. He glanced back at each of their faces, hope brimming in them, and his resolve to detach himself from them melted away.
He didn't let it show though as he barked orders to get their gears ready for the ODM race, and everyone was mostly back to their usual selves in terms of skill when they finished the game (Oruo winning for once).
He watched the rest of the squad walk away when he dismissed them, Eld hanging back with him as the rest grew in distance, before opening his mouth to speak to him in private.
"Captain," Eld began, his tone again sad and worried, a lump on his throat forming. "My girlfriend is pregnant."