"My girlfriend is pregnant."
Eld's words weighed heavily on him, remembering the conversation he had with his second-in-command earlier that day. It had already been night time and he was supposed to focus on paperwork, but he could hear the desperate cry in Eld's voice as if he was still next to him, finally succumbing to the pent-up pressure he kept all week.
"I was so stupid captain, I didn't know what I was doing!" he wrung his hands as he paced back and forth on the grass, not minding anymore if his teammates were to turn back and see his distressed state.
"Do you regret it?" Levi's question made Eld stop in his tracks, pulling him in from his wails.
"Captain, I…" His face turned a shade of red, and he made his way back to him, his shoulders slumped as he exhaled. "What do you –"
"Do you regret what happened?"
Eld remembered his love, Charlotte, and how she held him in her arms after the deed a couple months back, whispering words of love to him in their vulnerable states. He recalled how she cried confused yet happy tears when she broke him the news, but his initial reaction of shock and worry took her out of her joy.
"I don't." He found himself saying as he took in a breath, realizing that although he didn't think things through enough, he knew that what they did wasn't something he was ashamed of, or something he would mourn for.
"Then that's it then." Levi stared up at him, his expression blank as he studied him. His blond hair seemed darker from beneath the sun's rays, his face looking liked he had aged some years.
"Does she want to keep it?" Eld gave a small nod in response.
"It's a choice you didn't regret, so you need to move forward with it." Levi muttered calmly as he continued to examine his subordinate's eyes.
Eld knew he was right, but he was having trouble articulating what he felt in the pit of his stomach. "Captain, what if I die?" He found himself saying the first thing on his mind, his voice breaking once more. He had to sit back down to the grass to get himself to breathe.
Images flashed in Eld's mind – of Charlotte being alone, of her raising their kid without a father. He didn't have any more family except for her (and now their unborn child), and Charlotte's parents didn't take it well that she was getting involved with a broke lad like Eld.
He couldn't help but worry on what would to happen to her and their child if he were to die. Would her parents still take her in? Would they even take the kid?
Eld closed his eyes, tears welling up on them but they don't seem to flow. His hands were on his head as if in pain from all the thoughts surging in him, consuming him and rendering him mute.
Levi looked at the man crouched in front of him, the shell of the joyful, boisterous Eld he knew. Even without words, he knew what he felt to some extent. His mind goes back to his mother Kuchel and his unknown father, who in his mind does not even have a face worth imagining. Eld, however, would have been a wonderful father, a man who deserves to be known by his kid.
Unwittingly, Levi found himself placing a hand on Eld's shaking shoulder. "Stop worrying. We'll bring you back alive each and every time."
.
In hindsight, he shouldn't have made any promises, both for him or for Eld. Even if he was what they call Humanity's Strongest, he'd seen it firsthand with people who were closer to him that he can't protect everyone. He'd given Eld a false sense of hope, a promise he's not even sure he can keep for both their sakes.
The sinking feeling in his gut grew, Eld's situation digging a deeper hole within the confines of his worried mind. Just when he swore he wouldn't get attached…
"Captain?" Petra's voice rang by the door as she rapped on it twice. Shit, it was Friday and he made her come to do paperwork tonight.
She pushed the door slightly ajar and found the captain by his desk, illuminated by the faint light on his windowsill. She took a step forward and waited for him to say something before he raised his brows to signal her okay.
Levi noticed she was carrying a tray and a paper bag on her way in, setting them down on the desk in front of him.
"Oi, what are these?"
"I just figured we could use some tea captain," she said as she made her way to the bookcase, already taking out the folders of paperwork.
"And this?" He pulled the bag towards him and took a peek inside. The blue-ribboned cactus.
"Ah you left that behind last time." Petra's voice wasn't the regular cheerful tune she kept. She sounded almost melancholic.
Setting the paperwork on the desk, she took the cactus out of the bag and moved gracefully towards the windowsill, where she wordlessly perched the plant. She made her way across the room to light another gas lamp by the door and by the other desk, brightening up the space.
Deeming the lighting acceptable, she took her seat back in front of the captain, handing him his hot cup as she took hers.
Taking a sip, she mustered, "I'm really worried about Eld sir." She looked at him with an intense gaze, the amber in her eyes highlighted by the flicker of the lamps.
"I know."
"I saw that he hung back to talk to you after training this morning."
"Hmm."
His curt responses were bothering her again, but this wasn't the time to get riled up about the captain. Petra had her mind on Eld, and she knew that at least if he opened up to their superior, he could do something about it.
"I know that you talked and I don't mind if you don't tell me. I just hope everything will be okay and he gets back to being himself soon."
She took another sip from her tea before getting started on the paperwork in front of them. Aside from the stacks of paperwork she pulled out from the bookcase, the captain was already pondering over heaps of reports on his side of the desk, and from the looks of it, hadn't started anything yet since he sat down. Come to think of it, his face wasn't its usual blank state when she entered the room. His eyes were easily read and in them were deep thoughts and worry.
He was concerned about Eld after all, she thought. She recalled the time that Eld told her the story on how he joined the Special Ops squad, how the captain saw it in him that he could be a great leader someday and made him second-in-command, even going as far as giving him encouragement.
Despite what anyone else thought how Captain Levi was cold and heartless, Petra concluded that he held genuine care for the scouts and his subordinates. This facet of him seemed to align with the same man she went around Karanes district with, the one who opened himself up to her through tea and bread.
"What are you doing?"
Petra was taken aback by his voice, breaking the silence. She glanced up to him, confused, her pen running a line along the paper she was writing.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, captain," she fumbled as she took the paper in her hands, wringing them as if to dry the ink quickly when she noticed that the back of the paper had letters on it.
Dear Captain Levi,
You may not know me, but I know of you. Everyone knows of you after all. I just wanted to tell you that I've fallen hopelessly in love with you. You seem pretty quiet but I'm sure we can get to talking sometime, if only you'd bat an eye…
Petra was blushing as the captain snatched the paper from her and balled it up to throw away. She didn't mean to read anything of the back, but she found it odd that the captain still kept those love letters in his office.
"Why are you writing your reports on these?"
"I didn't mean to read that captain, I swear," she explained, not answering his question, a small smile running up to her lips. Levi almost glared at her, before she cheekily added, "But why do you even keep these love letters if not to write on them?"
"I don't like wasting paper," was his matter-of-fact response, making her think that of course, it was totally him to have a rational explanation for things. "It's just for writing scratch."
"Still, I didn't think you would be the sentimental one sir." Petra teased despite herself, feeling a bit cheeky.
"Didn't you push in a love letter by the door too?"
Petra stopped mid-writing and gaped at him, her face turning red again. Levi found it amusing how easy it was to get a reaction from her, and despite the heavy atmosphere from talking about Eld, he felt his guard lower from the interaction.
"I'll have you know that it was Mirane's letter I handed over to you," she huffed as she continued writing. "And I've never even written or sent a love letter to anyone in my life, as a matter of fact."
"Hmm." Her unnecessary revelation intrigued him. Well, he figured she wouldn't be the type to send out love letters to men. In all honesty, she would be the one receiving these confessions from others most likely.
"But I do love writing letters though, in general. I write a lot back home," she mused, a smile forming in her lips. "I'm pretty proud of my handwriting too. Here, take a look." She raised the paper she was working on towards his face, and Levi had to agree that her prints were neat and tidy.
"Fine," he conceded. "Don't you dare smudge it."
"I won't! That's a basic rule of writing!" She chuckled, and with that, Levi noted she was starting to get back again to her usual self. He found that he missed the way she sounded when she was happy, when the last time they conversed together alone was when she hung by the doorframe of the barracks, pained and dejected.
He shrugged to himself and thought about his plan against his squadmates – of not letting himself get too close again – and how it was falling apart. He'd make a promise to Eld and his future family, and now he's spending his Friday nights with Petra doing this god-forsaken paperwork.
"Eld and I did talk," he told her as a response to her earlier worries to assuage her, and she shot back up from her work to hold his gaze, her eyes once again intense and worried. "It's not for me to tell the details, but I just want your assurance that you'll have each others' backs on our solo expedition."
"Of course sir."
"Good."
The air around them hung heavily again, the idea of the expedition dampening their mood. He'd given them a brief idea of what to expect when they ride out next week for the night, and he thought back to the time he studied his subordinates' faces as they took in his news.
"Aren't you scared of the upcoming mission?" He found himself asking, the determined face of Petra etched on his memory of the earlier morning.
She shrugged her shoulders and let out a small "hmm" sound, a tiny smile to her lips. "I guess so captain. I think it's pretty normal to be scared. If you're not scared, then something's wrong. Don't you think so?"
"Tch."
"Though I don't mean to offend you if you don't feel fear."
"I do feel fear." His admission took her aback, stopping her again from continuing her writing. At this rate, they'd take all night for her to finish the set of the reports if he would continue subverting her expectations with each of his responses. "I just don't fear fear in itself."
"Makes sense then. But what do you feel scared of captain?"
He felt her irises boring into her, those doe-like, distracting eyes of hers that seemed glassy under the light of the orange lamp.
"You're not paid to come here and make shitty conversation with me, Ral." He responded coldly, but to his surprise she laughed.
"I'm not paid any much more to do your paperwork too captain," she smirked lightly as she got back to writing.
Having no response to her comeback, Levi took a sip of tea. How she could find the nerve to talk back to him with little to no fear of consequences, or of him, he didn't know. He was sure he had defined the line of superior and subordinate clearly enough, but maybe it was just very Petra of her to make friends out of everyone, even to someone as opposed to it as him.
He'd already finished his cup of tea in their shared silence when he heard a rap on his door.
"Hey Levi, Erwin has some few pointers he'd like to give for the mission. Impromptu meeting, in his office now," Hange peeked in his office, taking sight of Petra who also took to looking at who's at the door.
Making her way in, she slapped a hand to Levi's desk (to the clutter of cups and some spilt tea) and exclaimed, "You must be Petra! My, you really are pretty!"
Petra felt herself blush again, finding the section commander's comment very odd. Where did she get that insight from?
"Section Commander Hange, good evening," she managed to reply as she formed a small salute in her seat. Hange waved her off and pulled her in close to examine her face, as if she was a titan she was experimenting on.
"You've got great inquisitive eyes. Smart you are, I bet!"
"Umm…"
"I see some resemblance to her, eh, Levi?" Hange turned her attention to the captain who'd just stood up and was now making his way across the room, his face visibly ticked off with her rambunctious behavior. Hange noted the traces of Isabel in this subordinate's eyes – a bright personality that oozed eagerness and cheer. No wonder Levi found it easier to be in Petra's company, she thought.
"Will you stop fucking harassing my soldiers, Hange?" He barked as he made his way through the door, Hange following him. "Can you clean this up, Ral? Just finish what you can and get out before 11."
"Yes sir."
Petra heard the thud of the door closing as she tried to focus on her writing. What did Hange meant when she said she had a resemblance to her.
The thought kept occupying her mind as she finished her stack of paperwork for the night before returning them to the shelves. The captain's report pile seemed barely untouched, and she felt a slight joy in thinking she would need to come over again to do more work with him.
She'd just finished clearing the table and putting some more papers inside the captain's desk when she came across a near empty drawer at the bottom, a lone small notebook within.
Taking it out with intention to place more papers inside the drawer, a small piece of cloth fell out of its pages. Taking it to her hands she noticed it was a frayed patch, a sigil of the Survey Corps, and on its back was a name. Isabel.
.
.
Petra talked to her bay mare, Beauty, reassuringly as she placed her saddle on her back. "There, there. We're going on a trip again, my sweet."
Her horse's eyes were kind and trusting on hers as she prepared to let her out of the stables. Duke whinnied to her on the cubicle in front, and she gave him a small pat as she led Beauty out.
"Good to see you haven't run off yet," Allyne's voice boomed throughout the stables, shocking Duke.
"Hey, what are you doing here!" She could barely make out Allyne's face in the shadows as she stood outside the stable doors, a tall figure next to her, most likely Vanz. It was just sunset, the sun almost blood red in the horizon. It was the day of their expedition, and Petra took to preparing her horse early, and she was happy to see her friends' one more time before setting out tonight.
She tied Beauty to a nearby stall as she made her way outside, pulling Allyne into a tight hug.
"It feels like it's been ages!" She took her friend's face in and saw that apart from a haircut, Allyne still looked fierce and brave. Her eyes held a different story though – they were marred with worry.
"Yeah, you barely hang out with us anymore. Pretty sure you've forgotten about us," Vanz joked as he patted her head.
"Oh, you bet I haven't forgotten anything important. What was that I've heard, Allyne?" Petra raised her brows to her, and Allyne's face turned immediately red.
"Don't bother pretending you don't know anything, Vanz came clean and told me he'd already spilled it to you."
"Well, I just want to tell you that I'm very happy for you. You know that right?"
"Of course." Allyne hugged her some more, her embrace tighter than the previous one. Petra felt she was avoiding discussing their expedition for tonight, but her arms on hers state otherwise. She was worried for her, and her tightening grip on her was starting to hurt.
She pulled away from her and Petra could note some tears brimming up in her eyes as she spoke, "And you? How's everything and everyone?"
"How's the captain and your date around Karanes?" Vanz grinned at her and she remembered he was with them last week back at the mess hall.
Now it was her turn to blush, and she recounted in brevity and in a matter-of-fact tone the events that happened that day and since. She found it odd to be gossiping about the captain in the stables of all places. She told them how she came to terms with her feelings about loving him, but that nothing else will change between them.
"I'm really happy you're starting to step on your a-game." Allyne spoke with teasing, but Petra could notice the small tears that were welling up in her eyes. She wasn't one to be too emotional, but it's a choice of her continuing their conversation about the captain or addressing the elephant in the room that her friends were trying to avoid.
"Allyne, I know what you're thinking." She comforted her as she looked around to Vanz for support. He was looking away from them, his eyes misty in the setting sun. "It's going to be fine. It's just like any other mission, you know. I'm not scared at all."
Alynne scoffed at her remark, momentarily stopping the tears in her eyes as she slapped her arm hard. "You should be scared you dum-dum! You need that for your survival, idiot!"
She let out a small chuckle and knew her friend was right. She did feel scared, but she didn't have the liberty to let it get to her just yet.
"You're gonna be bruising me even before the mission, you know that, don't you?"
"If it means smacking sense to you so you come back alive, I'd hit you a thousand times for all I care!"
"I think that's really counterproductive and ironic, even for you!"
She hit her again playfully and Petra feigned pain as she let the tears in her eyes flow freely.
"Vanz can you restrain your crying fiancée please!"
"Crying?! Look at your face!"
Vanz had also began to shed some tears as he stared at their ridiculous exchange. Mellowing down, Allyne held her gaze, her brave face painted in an orange hue from the sun. "Come back alive Petra. Please." she whispered as she pulled her again into an even tighter hug, "I need you at my wedding."
Petra let herself be consumed by her feelings, thick fat tears pouring down on her cheeks as Allyne continued to cling to her. She could hear Vanz' crying turning audible, and Allyne had pulled back from their hug to urge him to bid his goodbyes to Petra.
"Oh Vanz, stop it. You're crying harder than the both of us," she joked at him as she hugged him back.
"Ehem."
Petra recognized the captain's gruff voice as he cleared his throat. Peeking from Vanz' tall frame, he saw the captain a few meters away, most likely headed to the stables to see Duke.
Levi felt some pulsing tension in his head as he saw the image in front of him. Afternoon sunlight, the tall, lanky boy whose arms were around Petra, and their crying.
Vanz pulled away immediately as if he was electrified and stood next to Allyne, trying to evade the captain's menacing gaze. He walked in front of them, all the way not taking his glare away from him.
"What are you brats doing here?"
"We just wanted to say goodbye to Petra captain." Vanz spoke, staring straight ahead. He could feel Allyne's fingers pinching his ribs.
"Why, is she leaving and not coming back?" The captain asked sarcastically, and it took all of Allyne's power to not smirk. She looked at the captain's eyes and saw an expression all too familiar to someone expert in relationships like her.
"Your names?"
"Vanz Geppert, from Squad Mirane, sir."
"Allyne Nowak, also from Squad Mirane."
Levi eyed them once more, and Petra felt the situation was becoming comical.
"They just checked up on me captain. Tonight's the expedition after all." Levi turned to look at her, and saw that her expression was soft, her face still wet from tears. He felt himself soften from the look, and he finally came to his senses that what Petra's friends were doing were nowhere near reprimandable. Though it was very tempting to punch the lanky boy, he considered.
"At ease then."
Petra felt a sigh of relief, but the captain still looked them over as if they were trespassers. He stared Vanz a little too much too, and she caught Allyne's eyes who gave her a small wink. She'd been friends with her for a long time to know that she already has something on her mind, and when Allyne mouthed the words "Talk to you later", she knew something was up with the captain this time.
"We'll be going now then sir, as we said, we just wanted to say goodbye and wish her luck." Allyne smiled as she spoke, looking a bit mischievous as she touched Petra's shoulder in farewell. She then took Vanz hand to lead him away from the small man who was still staring at him too intensely.
Turning back before continuing, Allyne said, "Oh, and please make sure you bring our friend back alive, please." Her tone was straight and cold, the smile no longer on face. Levi noticed how quickly her expression turned fierce as he gave her a small nod in acknowledgement.
.
"Interesting friends you have."
"Oh, I guess so sir."
Their horses were now out of the stables, having been fed and now to be groomed before the trip. Captain Levi was now in the process of checking Duke's hooves, and Petra was caressing Beauty once more, calming her in the presence of the stallion.
"You didn't have to scare them though, captain." Petra chuckled as she chided him, loosening the tightened rope that tethered Beauty to the tree. Her mare trotted a bit to follow her around the trunk before settling down to rest under the shade.
"I don't know what you mean," he responded, his face feigning innocence.
She laughed at his response, before settling down to sit cross-legged next to her horse. The sun had almost fully set, the dusk creeping up around the camp. The tall gas lamps outside the stables had been lit by the scouts on duty, bathing them in a warm glow.
Levi continued to inspect Duke, and was surprised to see him not fidgeting despite being in the presence of other people.
"You have a way with horses, don't you? Duke doesn't seem to mind you being here."
"Yeah, we've met with before."
"Being cheeky again, huh, Ral?"
"I don't know what you mean." Petra looked up at him, her eyes once again doe-like as she imitated his words and copied his look of feigned innocence.
"Tch."
"But yes, sir. I like to think I get along with horses well because I grew up with them."
"Hmm?"
"My brothers brought their horses home each time they returned. Since our horses are specially bred for the Scout regiment, they almost always have the same temperament, so it was easier to read them and care for them. Except maybe for Duke who takes after you." She chuckled at her joke, but the captain let it go this time. He was almost to the point of just letting her witty remarks pass, finding it pointless to chastise her when she was sure to do it again. She really must think we're friends now, he mused.
"Beauty here," she gestured to the horse lying next to her, "is actually my brother's horse sir."
Levi found that intriguing, and he marveled at the way Petra nuzzled her horse, and how the mare seemed to nuzzle back.
"When I ride her to missions, I feel like my brother Oskar's riding with me. Like I have a taste of home and of my family who encourage me to do my best and to get back each time." Her eyes were closed as she spoke, her voice dreamy and soft as if she were in the middle of imagining them present in her head.
"You really have a knack of talking the shit out of your head."
"Ah, my brothers used to tell me that too, less crudely though," Petra agreed and laughed some more.
"Tch. You're being awfully upbeat for someone about to ride to uncertain death."
"I'm always upbeat sir. At least, I try to be. And besides, didn't you promise my friends you're going to bring me back alive?"
"That's not just on me but on you too. You make sure you survive yourself."
"I know. And it's on us to too to get you back alive as well." Her tone went serious again, but her eyes weren't closed this time. She was staring at him with that intense, fierce gaze she held, the honey in her eyes lit up by the orange hue of the lamps.
It was probably the first time Levi heard those words spoken to him. Usually, he bore the burden of the Scouts, partly because of his position and mostly of his title as Humanity's Strongest. Since Isabel and Furlan, and countless others who perished outside the walls, he'd known how to keep a mask on and continue moving forward, making sure the rest don't follow those in their early graves. Now that he was tasked with his own squad, the responsibility felt more nuclear, and the closer they become to him the deeper the worry in his gut.
When asked about what he feared, he knew enough that he feared feeling the same foreboding emotion he felt since his first expedition, when he was the most hopeless. He fears for his squad, and he fears for this girl in front of him who's loved by her family and her friends, heck, even by her horse.
But for her to tell him that they have his back as well, that if he worries for them, then they held him in equal concern, that they cared enough for someone as despicable as him. That he has a right to get back inside the walls to continue to exist and to live, and that his survival was also of value. He had no words to say to her at that point, and an unfamiliar pounding in his chest took the usual place of silence.
"Call the others. We ride out in an hour and they have yet to prepare their horses."
"Yes captain."
.
.
There weren't much people to send them off outside the walls this time, with their expedition starting off in the dark of night. Not that there were any positive send-offs for them at all for all those times the regiment would breach the walls to venture outside. With the bad turnouts of some of the expeditions under their previous command, not a lot of people supported the Survey Corps. It wasn't just their ideologies that the regular folk didn't abide too, but their image had been those of soldiers suicidal or idealistic, and the townspeople even went as far as to blame them for using their taxes to feed the monsters outside.
It's only recently that some folks had been optimistic, sponsors starting to pull through, swayed by the charisma of Commander Smith and the smaller successes they have been having.
Still, Levi was grateful for the silence as it allowed to him clear his mind.
He remembered how the veterans had another briefing before he set out to prepare his horse that afternoon. It wasn't necessarily a meeting in fact, but more of a way for Erwin to give last minute reminders and for everyone to lay their eyes on him again before he disappeared outside. Everyone held the same worry after all, and the squad had their send-offs as the rest of the battalion saw them ride out into town to reach the wall's gates.
The gates had now opened and he glanced to his sides to see his squad, all of them perched and ready on their horses. Oruo to the far right had eyes straight ahead, his aged face looking older under the moonlight. Eld to his right fared a bit better from their last conversation, his expression now the usual seriousness he held for their missions.
Gunther to his far left was focused on making sure his horse was ready, but his ears were alert for the signal bell. Petra looked back at him, the usual cheer in her face gone and replaced by intensity and a fierceness he had not yet likened to anyone.
And as their scout escort rang the alarm and lit up the signal flare to start, all Levi could hear were the clattering of hooves across dirt, the wind on his ears and the thumping of worry in his chest as they rode out into the night.