Chapter 8: Heart to Heart

I wake up in a strangely pleasant feeling in my chest, which probably means that I have finally gotten better? Only time will tell. But even though with that, I still had a pain when I move my body around.

I look at my alarm clock, and judging from the time, looks like I've slept for a good six hours.

But I notice that Takagi's gone. Was it just a dream that she came over to take care of me? No…it felt to real to be a dream. But I still see the bed stain from the tea.

As I wonder about the validity from my memories, I hear a loud humming coming from downstairs. So, looks like she's really here.

Her humming becomes more audible and I realize that she's coming this way.

I rise up and smile at her when she enters the room.

Takagi: "Oh! You're up. How're you feeling?"

Nishikata: "A lot better."

Takagi: "I'm so happy to hear that!"

Takagi practically beaming from the news as she sits down on the chair right next to me.

Takagi: "You looked really peaceful in your sleep."

Nishikata: "Yeah, I had a nice dream. I don't really remember the details though."

Takagi: "That's good to hear. Um…"

Nishikata: "What's up?"

She takes a deep breath.

Takagi: "About what I said before you went to sleep, I've been thinking…and I want you to know. Even if I'm scared I know I can't keep running away from my problems."

Nishikata: "You're not alone, Takagi. There's nothing that can change my mind."

Takagi: "Well, here goes. Don't fall asleep okay? This is going to be long."

Nishikata: "Don't worry, I'm all ears."

She nods in acknowledgement and looks for words before she continues to look for words to begin.

Takagi: "I've…always thought that I couldn't really matter. After all, how can somebody matter more than others? Aren't we all the same? You probably know this by now, but I haven't really got a true friend when I grew up. Until I met you that is.

I've always been aware of how selfish people are. It's wrong that so many people just live for themselves, even though we call it society. I don't want to be like that, I want to make people happy, especially those who suffer…"

Nishikata: "Is that why you got so attached to me when we first met?"

Takagi: "I won't deny that is part of the reason. Wanting to help others is fine, but sadly, I didn't think about how selfish people would treat me. No matter how much I helped them, they were never satisfied. They wanted more.

Worse, when I was done helping them, they left me behind."

She supressed a sob and wipes her tears.

Takagi: "Do you remember Sumire? She was a good friend of mine that you rarely talk to. She has always been close to me. But starting high school, she never saw me as her friend again, and that she left be behind without any kindness…"

She started crying again, but I decided that I gave her the time that she needed before continuing again, and I provided some tissues for her.

Takagi: "Thanks. Anyway, eventually, I started to get tired. They never showed any gratitude, and once they saw any sign of weakness in me, they'd turn against me.

None of my 'friends' cared enough for me to think about how much it hurts to always smile and stay positive all day. But if I didn't, they'd spread rumours, shut me out, and left me collecting the dust. That's why…T-That's why…"

Before I can finish, I gather my strength and hug her tightly.

Nishikata: "I'm not those people, Takagi. I'd never exploit you for your kindness. And more importantly…"

I pull slightly away from her, just enough to see her face.

Nishikata: "I will never betray you like that."

Her voice lowered down to a whisper.

Takagi: "Nishikata…I…"

Nishikata: "Even if I'm your only friend, you're not alone."

I'm about to say something else, when I realize our faces are only few centimeters away, a little more and we'd be kissing.

I flushed in embarrassment and break apart quickly, both of us apologizing at the same time.

I lie down and she continues her story.

Takagi: "That's why I was afraid to tell you…or anyone else…As for why I always felt worthless. Like there's some voice in my head, telling me that if I don't satisfy them enough, I don't deserve any kinds of happiness."

Nishikata: "But you know that's not true."

Takagi: "I don't know…I don't even know anything anymore. I don't know if it was a good idea for me to ask you to join the Literature Club. I don't know if it was a good idea to tell you all of this. I don't know…I'm so scared of losing you."

Nishikata: "You won't lose me anymore."

Takagi: "You don't understand, even if you're here with me, you'll just find somebody else. I shouldn't feel this way…it's wrong."

Nishikata: "It's not wrong, Takagi."

Takagi: "I've gotten so used to always left behind or exploited, I can't even imagine a happy future. I don't deserve it."

Nishikata: "You deserves so much happiness. You won't be exploited or left behind. I really admire you. It takes guts to smile for the people after all you've gone through, and still keep helping people.

But you need to realize how much you worth for me, Takagi. You're the only reason I've made it this far."

An idea suddenly forms in my head.

Nishikata: "You remind me of some anime character that I really admire. Do you want to watch it with me?"

Takagi: "It better not be 200% Unrequited Love."

I nod and ask her to leave while I change my pyjamas.

Five minutes later, I call her back and find a DVD on my drawer. She puts on the TV and we started watching.

The heroine of the anime is pretty much like Takagi. She's selfless to a fault but keeps going no matter what.

Much like Takagi, she tries to face all her enemies alone, and while she succeeds on overcoming many of them, the final trial is impossible to solve alone. She nearly dies as despair overcomes her. But finally, her friends showed up and realize how much she is truly worth.

The heroine ends up becoming a stronger person and overcoming the final enemy in the series; a being formed from humanity's despair. By the time we finish watching anime, the sun has already gone down.

I keep an eye for Takagi all throughout the anime. She seems clearly moved right at the end. It's only when the final episode she finally speaks.

Takagi: "She's so cool, and strong."

Nishikata: "Indeed, she's someone I've idealized since I was a kid."

Takagi: "I wish I could be like that."

Nishikata: "You already are. Few people are willing to go to such lengths to help their friends without asking them or anything. You can't give up…because I'll be lost without my friend, but I don't want you to keep thinking that you don't deserve my friendship."

Takagi: "Please, I…"

Nishikata: "Do you know why I respect that character so much? Because she's not afraid of herself. She's a good person and the main source of determination throughout the series.

Yes, there will always people who will exploit you and left you behind. But you have to remember there's also people who will care about you, and love for your actions. You're not worthless, because you're doing so much to help.

Not just me, the way you stopped Yuri-san and Natsuki-chan the other day, and how you always try to be as kind as everyone you possible meet. If someone acted that way towards you, would you go as far to call them worthless as well?"

Takagi: "I…No, I wouldn't. I'd feel happy that they're kind to me."

Nishikata: "That's how you made me feel every day, with the exception of teasing."

Takagi: "…"

She bites her lip and looks at my alarm clock.

Takagi: "It's late, maybe we should eat? I have to go soon."

Nishikata: "Sure, I'm hungry. I'm sorry if I made you feel awkward."

Takagi: "Don't worry, I appreciate that I'm not worthless to you."

Takagi brings me the dinner that she made for herself, and the two of us eat in silence.

Once we're done, she wishes me a good night and returns to her home after promising for coming back tomorrow.

Somehow, having someone taking care of me feels really nice. But there's also this reason that I felt so warm inside of me when I think about her, and how she takes care of me.

Could it be because of her and not just her gesture and kindness?

I fail to find the as I drift into the realm of unconsciousness again.

?: "Good Morning, sleepyhead!"

A young woman's voice breaks me out of my slumber.

I open my eyes to see Takagi standing over my bed, holding a steaming hot cup of tea in her hands. I feel a faint smile upon seeing her face.

Nishikata: "Mornin."

Takagi: "Well, it's already afternoon, but you look so peaceful in that sleep that I couldn't bring myself to wake you up."

She puts down the cup of tea on my nightstand and feels my forehead.

Takagi: "How do you feel?"

I try to reply, but my coughing seems to be quite violent.

Takagi sighs deeply, clearly disappointed.

Takagi: "I was hoping you feel better today."

Nishikata: "I do. It just takes a while to recover."

I look directly at her

Nishikata: "How about you, Takagi?"

She smiles a radiant smile.

Takagi: "I told you yesterday, don't worry about me. I'm tougher than you look! Ehehe~ Besides, I'm here to take care of you."

She mutters her last line to herself, her voice sounded more distant as she does.

Nishikata: "Takagi?"

She notices the concern of my voice and tries to shake it off.

Takagi: "It's nothing, I was just talking to myself. I guess I'm weird like that."

Nishikata: "I think it's kinda c-cute…"

She takes her hand off my forehead and backs away. Is it just my imagination, or does she tense up for a few seconds after I call her cute?

Takagi: "Anyway, I figured out that since it's already past noon, I should wake you up. It won't do good if you sleep the entire day anyway."

Her expression darkens.

Takagi: "I speak from personal experience, after all…"

She's acting weird. Could this be her depression acting up again?

Nishikata: "Takagi, is something wrong?"

She shakes her head and smiles brightly,

Takagi: "No, it's nothing. I just…feel weird that's all."

Come to think of it, people with depression often have sleep issues.

Nishikata: "I think I should feel well enough to get up. You can go home and rest."

Takagi: "No! Please don't!"

The desperation and her fear are enough to make me flinch. She tries to smile, but I can tell from her eyes that she scared of something.

Nishikata: "Please tell me what's wrong."

Takagi: "Nothing's wrong! Everything is all good!"

Nishikata: "Takagi…"

She clenches her fist.

Takagi: "Please, Nishikata. Focus on your recovery first, alright? Worrying about me makes me feel uncomfortable. I want to help others, but please don't worry about me."

I shake my head and tell her that I can't do that.

Takagi: 'Why? It should be easy enough, you can just continue doing like you've always done."

Nishikata: "It's not that simple. A friendship is a mutual relationship."

Upon hearing 'mutual relationship', Takagi hesitates for a second. However, she regains her composure quickly and takes her cup of tea both in her hands.

Takagi: "Just drink this, I made it less intense than yesterday. And please don't tell me to leave."

I sigh.

Nishikata: "I mean, sure. I only said that out of concern since you seem tired."

She falls silent and makes it clear she won't reply until I drink her herbal tea she made. With a sinking feeling of defeat, I put my hands in my tea and makes a small gulp each sip.

Just like Takagi said, it's less intense. I feel revitalized as soon as it hits my stomach.

Soon after, Takagi takes my cup and instead of her leaving the room, she sits down on the chair near my bed.

Takagi: "Nishikata, are you afraid of being left behind? Being all alone in the world?"

Nishikata: "Huh?"

Takagi: "N-Never mind. Forget anything I said. I must be really tired if I'm rambling stuff like this."

Nishikata: "No, it's a perfectly legit question. I was just put off by how sudden it was. To be honest, I guess I haven't given it much thought.

Sure, I would be all alone in the world, nut there's no reason for me to fear that, since I have you as a friend. We'll always stick together since I know you're dependable."

Takagi: "I don't know about that…but I guess you have no fear to fear left behind."

Takagi falls silent and turn her head away from me. It's clearly that she's hiding something, but I can't imagine what.

Nishikata: "Takagi, did something happen?"

Takagi: "It's nothing. You don't have to worry…about it. Just…forget everything I said. Don't worry about me. Your recovery is more important. I'm an idiot for bringing that up now."

Judging from her expression, she's trying to fight back her tears. She gets up from the chair and starts leaving, still wearing a bright smile on her face.

I won't allow this!

Nishikata: "Takagi…Wait!"

I gather my strength and get out of my bed.

Takagi: "No! Get back, Nishikata…you're still weak!"

I ignore her demand and walk up to her, but there's no sign of leaving or running away from me, she just stands there with a bewildered expression on her face.

And before she can back off, I put my hand around her.

Takagi: "Nishikata…you…big dummy…"

Tears started to roll down her face.

Nishikata: "You know you can trust me. I mean, you already told you about your depression. "

She wipes her tears and looks away with a calm, serious look on her face.

Takagi: "Nishikata, please let go of me. You shouldn't waste your time trying to help solve my own issues."

Her voice is unusually sharp and harsh. But not sharp enough to make me lost against her raincloud. I defiantly shake my head.

Nishikata: "You won't do that, Takagi. You're-"

I turn my head away and let out a violent cough before continuing.

Nishikata: "…like a family to me. Maybe even more. Takagi…"

Takagi: "I'm hungry. If you can stay out of bed, we can go make dinner."

Nishikata: "Okay, but I want you to tell me what's wrong."

She nods silently.

Takagi: "Okay, but I'm warning you. It's not a happy story."

Nishikata: "It's fine by me. If anything, at least sharing it with someone is better than keeping it up to yourself, especially if it's something that bothers you. Isn't that what friends are for?"

She doesn't reply, she merely pushed me away and gets out of my door. After making sure that she can't see me anymore, I quickly changed my pyjamas into my casual clothes.

I head downstairs, my heart is pounding for some reason.

As soon as I enter my kitchen, I see Takagi sitting by the table. I see a fresh slice of toast and two boiled eggs. Takagi must've made it while I was sleeping.

Her expression is solemn and distant and seems like she's in thought. She doesn't even notice me until I called out to her.

Takagi: "Eat, you need to regain the energy that you lost."

Nishikata: "Okay. Did you prepare all of this?"

Takagi: "Yes, I wanted to make breakfast for you."

After feeling touched by her kindness, I quickly dig in and feeling my strength returning. And despite my illness, my appetite seems unaffected.

It's only when I notice that once I finish eating, Takagi has been staring at me and haven't even touched her meal at all. She starts me with a curious expression on her face.

Nishikata: "Not hungry?"

Takagi: "It's fine, I don't feel hungry for now. Don't worry."

She sigh deeply.

Takagi: "Well, I guess there's no way you'll let me go without learning why I fear abandonment, huh?"

I shake my head.

Nishikata: "I'm here for you, Takagi. If you're unhappy and I know it, how can you expect me to be happy?"

Takagi: "You're too kind to me, I don't deserve that…"

She close her eyes and sighs.

Then she begins with her tale. As she does, her voice sounds cold and emotionless, as if she's reading a script without effort in it.

Takagi: "As you know, I've always put others before myself, it's mainly because of my personal beliefs. I don't want to be selfish and hurt others, even if the selfish way seems to be the best way. As I grew up, I see so many people perform selfish actions just to make themselves happy.

One of my friends at kindergarten stole a doll from the other as she's not watching. I knew what she did, but I want to keep silent and not to betray my friend. I acted selfish because I didn't want to lose someone so special for me at the time.

Eventually, she pinned the blame on me to avoid from getting into trouble. The girl she stole hated me, and I can she how much hatred she had in her eyes. Ever since then, I promised to myself that I wanted to make everybody happy. And I'd do everything no matter what."

She falls silent for a minute and her tears started rolling down her face. I tired to gave her a napkin, but she clearly noticed this and makes a gesture towards me that I should stay in my seat.

After a few sobs, she regains her composure and continues her tale.

Takagi: "At the age when children attend elementary school, they become selfish. The other kids in my class noticed and I couldn't do anything to defend myself since that'd mean hurting them physically or emotionally. So, they started to do stuff to force me to do various things with them.

I did as they told me, since I wanted to make them happy. One of the, a boy in my class, seemed to genuinely care about me. He always defended me whenever they lashed out of me if I disappointed in them. Eventually, I like him and devoted to make him happy.

I would buy him snacks and helped him with his homework in his stead, no matter how much it tired me out. All to make him happy, and secretly wish he would like me back. But…it was only four years after when I realized that he used me.

He never valued me as a person, and once I started to show clear signs of exhaustion, he started mock me and call me weird and useless. He spread rumours about me when I wasn't looking and slowly but surely, he destroyed my reputation in my school to the point where I dreaded to go to school that day.

But even after all of that, I still wish that he would apologize. I didn't hate him at all, and when he apologize, I would forgave him immediately."

Nishikata: "Jeez! What an asshole!"

Takagi smiles bitterly and bites her lip.

Takagi: "If only he was the only one, and if the story ended here. One day, he announced to me that his girlfriend is the same whose doll had been stolen.

The two ganged up on me, telling me such horrible things, how I don't deserve friends and love…and how I'm so worthless. They were so persistent, I started to believe them…and I still do.

After all…this is my fault. If I hadn't been so selfish in my desire to make others happy…then…maybe…maybe…!"

She breaks down into series of hysterical cries and sobs. I quickly walked over to her and letting her cry onto me.

Nishikata: "Takagi, listen to me. I won't abandon you, I'm not like those assholes. I value you as a person, not for what you do, but for who you are."

Takagi: "But…I'm so scared…what if…you ended up someone…b-better?"

Nishikata: "There isn't any question for me to finding someone 'better'. Even if I got other friends, I would still never abandon you like that. As for you thinking your worthless, no you're not. No way in heavens.

You worth so much to me. And you're much better than you think you are. Isn't the fact that I'm standing here with you is proof of that fact? If I haven't abandoned you when you're at your lowest point, you don't have to worry about me abandoning you in the future.

Besides…as someone who's life been abandon by several friends and treated like a walking joke for most of his life, I know how you feel."

I feel her grip tighten and for a while, I just let her sob into me while I gently stroke her hair. Eventually, she calms down and sighs.

Takagi: "I'm sorry you had to see that."

Nishikata: "No, I'm happy…happy that now I know about you more, Takagi. I'm happy that you're my friend, and helping you makes me happy as well."

I don't know if it's just my imagination or something, but she feels warmer than usual.

Takagi: "Thank you…You have no idea how much that means to me."

Nishikata: "Just a gentle reminder that you're not alone. You don't have to face your demons alone."

I see her bright smile returns.

Takagi: "Okay, I trust you. But something feels weird…"

Nishikata: "What is it?"

Takagi: "How long are you gonna embrace me like this?"

As soon as she said that, my whole instinct kicks in and I hastily pull away from out hug.

Nishikata: "S-Sorry! I didn't…"

Takagi: "Ahaha! Sorry! I mean, this warmth I feel…it's oddly relieved at having to told you."

Nishikata: "I'm glad that you feel better."

Takagi: "Yeah, thank you so much, Nishikata."

Nishikata: "Your most welcome, Takagi. But you have to remember, no matter how big or small the problem is, if you have concerns, you know I'm there for you. like you are there for me."

Takagi: "But…I don't want to be your burden."

Nishikata: "You were never a burden to me. Since we're in the mood of confessing awkward things, I have to tell you that I've been also self-isolating for years, and I've never found any genuine friends.

Nobody ever take me seriously. I doubt my parent see me as anything but a big doofus. But you always take me so seriously and treated me like respect. I owe you a lot more than you know."

Takagi: "You're too kind, Nishikata."

Nishikata: "No, you're too kind."

Takagi: "Alright, alright. Let's just end this now. I feel like my heart is going to burst if we don't change the topic soon enough."

Nishikata: "Mkay, what do want to do?"

Takagi: "Please let me take care of you. I really enjoyed it. I Love the feeling of being useful to you."

I let out a dejected sigh.

Nishikata: "Okay, sure."

As I get up and am about to leave, she calls me out.

Takagi: "Also, Nishikata…"

Nishikata: "hmm…?"

Takagi: "...I love you…"

Her voice is barely audible. I couldn't even hear what she's saying

Nishikata: "What was that?"

Takagi: "Nothing! I was just saying thanks! Talking to you always make me so happy!"

I merely smile in response as I walked upstairs.

The rest of the day goes without any drama. Takagi takes care of me, and before the day is over, I started to feel my illness is steadily getting weaker. Despite the comfort, there's a lot of tension that was there yesterday.

When she finally goes home, it's way past midnight and as I'm about to go to sleep, I realize that I've been a terrible friend to her. I never really paid any attention to any of her suffering.

Before the darkness of sleep drift, me off, I promise myself that I'll tell her how I feel about her tomorrow.

"I will never leave you, not until you win this battle."