"You're such an asshole."

"Just be glad I came to pick you up."

"Considering you were the one who left me here in the first place, I don't think you're deserving of any gratitude."

"Right."

"I honestly didn't expect you to freak out like that."

"I didn't freak out."

"Pfft, yeah, right. You caught glimpse of the two pink lines and literally ran for your life."

"I was merely disgusted that you would so carelessly hand me something that you peed on."

"Ah, yes, it's always hygiene first for you, right?"

"Exactly."

"I see. I must have imagined how you use your underwear twice before washing it."

"Casey, I've been thinking and I…"

"If you're about to break up with me and leave me a single mother-to-be, then at least have the decency to buy me some ice cream first. I think I'm entitled to it after the shit you pulled today."

"I'm not breaking… Hey! Ice cream contains an insane amount of sugar, you know?"

"Your point?"

"My point is that what you eat doesn't affect just you anymore. So perhaps it's time to cut back on the junk food a little, don't you think?"

"Boo, you hypocrite. Calling me inconsiderate towards the health of my child is rich coming from a grown man who left his pregnant girlfriend to search for her phone in the Lost and Found all by herself."

"You picked the wrong moment to drop the pregnancy test from the pocket of your coat."

"Are you saying there's a right moment to do that?"

"It… It was bad timing on your part."

"It's not like I did it on purpose, you ass. Hello, one scoop of lemon ice-cream, one scoop pineapple and two scoops chocolate with whipped cream, caramel syrup and sprinkles on top, please."

"Gross."

"Oh, and grumpy sourpuss here is paying."

"Princess, why were you even keeping it in your coat? It's a stick that you peed on."

"Ugh, you're such a little bitch sometimes, Derek. It's pee, it's not that big of a deal."

"Yeah, I'll remember that when you complain about how I pee in the shower. It isn't just pee when it's mine, Casey?"

"Pee on our shower again and I'll have you neutered."

"It isn't just pee when it's mine, Casey?"

"Get bent, Derek. I was planning to tell you tonight over dinner, okay?"

"Over dinner at our parents? Are you out of your mind, woman?"

…

"Derek, why did you run away?"

"Okay, so I freaked out a little."

"That's the understatement of the century. So, what now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you leaving me?"

"What?!"

"Listen, Derek, I know it's unexpected, I was shocked too. I understand that you're not ready for this, but what's done is done and if you want out…"

"No."

"Maybe you need time to think it over and…"

"No. Can you shut up now?"

"Do you really think we're ready to be parents?"

"Ready or not, you said it: what's done is done. It's a bit earlier than what I had calculated, but it was going to happen eventually and besides…"

"Hold on, hold on. So you're telling me that you actually made calculations about when we were going to have kids?"

"Yes. Among other things."

"Among other things?!"

"Yes, now use your indoor voice! I don't want the whole ice cream shop to know about our relationship issues."

"Sorry, but it's just shocking to me."

"Are you that surprised?"

"Uh, yes? Is that even Derek Venturi that I'm talking to? When we first started going out, you'd nearly pass out every time my mother would start dropping hints and questions about our future."

"That was three years ago."

"And at the mature age of twenty-four it's time to have your whole life figured out, laminated and organized in a neat list of pre-planned children, of course."

"Shut up for a second, will you? Why the hell would you think that I'm leaving you?"

"Sheesh. I really worry about the manners this child is going to pick up from you. Look, you've been acting pretty weird lately, even before you knew about the baby."

"It's not what you're thinking at all, Princess. I can assure you."

"Then why have you been acting so constipated all the time?"

"Listen, Casey, I've been thinking and…"

"Uh-oh, Derek thinking. That can't be good."

"And I think it's time that you and I…"

"Derek, your phone is ringing."

"I can hear that my phone is ringing."

"Then pick it up."

"I'm in the middle of something here, Princess. Help me out here, please."

"Are you really not picking it up?"

"No!"

"It might be an emergency!"

"Well, if it is an emergency, then the number to call is 911, not mine."

"Derek!"

"Fine! What, Edwin? Honestly, this couldn't have waited until tonight? Yes, you're interrupting something, you dimwit. You're going to see us literally an hour from now. Later."

"What'd he say?"

"He has a new set of spatulas."

"Well, if that isn't vital information?"

"They're limited edition or something."

"Are you sure that you two share the same DNA?"

"Unfortunately, yes. The things he deems important enough to share with me wreak havoc on my brain."

"Cut the guy some slack. He's been lonely ever since we moved away. Maybe phone calls like this are his way of reminding you to call him from time to time, too."

"I hardly see how his new kitchenware is a sign of loneliness."

"Perhaps you'll believe me when he gets a third cat. The process for which I think is already underway."

"Can we stop talking about Edwin for a second? As I was saying, I think it's time that…"

"Do you think mom has made lasagne again?"

"For God's sake, Casey, I'm trying to ask you something here."

"Right, right. You know, I honestly thought that when you ran away today you went and returned that velvet box you've been carrying around for the past two weeks. Apparently, you didn't."

"You knew?!"

"You haven't been very stealthy about it, Derek. By the way, the jeweller called a few days ago to ask how the proposal had gone and I picked up by accident. We had a good laugh about it."

"That bastard…"

"To his credit, upon realizing his mistake he tried to convince me that you had requested an engraved bracelet for your brother."

"How pathetic."

"Well, you can't blame him for assuming you'd have asked me by now. He said you bought the ring a month ago. Naturally, I thought you'd changed your mind when you saw the pregnancy test."

"I was… I was waiting for the right moment."

"You're such a wuss."

"I was planning to propose tonight at our parents'."

"Oh, so you think that it's a lame place and time to announce a pregnancy, but it's a perfectly fine setting to propose marriage?"

"Technically, I made my plan long before you did, so in a way I had dibs on tonight's dinner."

"Well, if both of our plans had actually gone as expected, our poor unsuspecting family would have passed out right there on the dining table."

"Well, if they're unconscious, they ask less questions. We could have drawn penises on their faces."

"A missed opportunity, no doubt. To think that you're going to be a father. Are you going to draw penises on the baby's face while it's asleep?"

"Shut up. I know you'd help me."

"If you honestly believe that I'd let you do something like this to my child, you'd be very wrong, Derek Venturi."

"We'll get shared custody, Princess. You can't stop me from drawing penises on a baby's face on my weekends."

"God, Derek, you're impossible. And I didn't say I wouldn't marry you."

"You didn't say you would, either."

"Yes, I'll marry you, you idiot."

"But I didn't even get a chance to propose properly."

"I'm saying yes, isn't that what's important?"

"Not if you're going to spend the rest of our lives together telling everyone that I just threw a ring on you when I found out you were preggers."

"Now that you mention it, I suppose it's fine. Next Friday is good for you?"

"Sure, I'll call the restaurant and make a reservation. I think the fam will be disappointed to miss this, though."

"Oh, well, we could do the whole sappy speech and you on your knee thing at dinner tonight if you insist. I'll act surprised, I promise."

"You better."

"Let me see the ring though, I want to know what kind of taste in jewellery you have before I tie myself down with you for good."

"Funny. What are we going to name the baby?"

"Jeez, Derek, we don't even know the gender yet. Slow down a little. Ow."

"Are you alright? Do you need to lie down? Is it the baby, did it kick?"

"The baby is barely an inch tall. I think it's a tad early for it to be kicking. It's just my ass that's hurting. Ow."

"You made a verbal complaint about your ass?"

"You sit on that goddamn bench in the Lost and Found for three hours, let's see how your backside likes it."

"Today has been a very strange day."

"Agreed. I want more ice cream."

"Absolutely not."

"Ugh, the pain in my ass, you are."

"Yeah. For the rest of your life."

…

"We never did find my phone, did we?"