The Baby Diaries Part II

Chapter 2: Day by Day

~Baby~

There were highs and there were lows.

…

May, 2073

Dear Ray,

You're 2 months old today.

I'm learning a lot of things, that's for sure. Things I never thought I would need to know like the safest position for a newborn to sleep or how to burp one the right way…who knew there was so much detail to taking care of you little things? Should it be obvious?

Well, you're lucky I'm smart enough to do the research. Learning things about babies…it's different I'll tell you that. I guess this whole journal thing is helpful in its own way. Like an outlet, something to really talk to. I haven't been able to break the habit yet, but I don't see why I need to. I'll just keep writing.

At this moment, you're being watched by Spike. A part of me thinks you still secretly scare him. He gets this chilled look in his eyes when he's with you. It's kind of funny, I don't know anyone alive that genuinely frightens him, but maybe I've just never seen it for myself.

As for me? You're not so scary I guess. Actually you're getting to be really cute! You're making all these new noises, but you still mostly just sleep and eat. Oh, I almost forgot about your temper…the other day Jet took your bottle for one second and you screamed damned bloody murder! I mean it was just for a second!

When I think about it, it's really just the challenge of adjusting…like…patience for example. I need that stuff. I don't have it and for good reason. No one ever did what I wanted when I was patient. I believe if you want something there's no time to wait around, you have to take things into your own hands you know? I guess it only works depending on who or what you're dealing with. It's not always easy to do that and sometimes it can backfire if you're too rash. I can't be that way with you…you have to be patient with babies and kids. I was never very patient with Edward, maybe on some level I could have been. Made it a little easier on her somehow. Or maybe she never noticed at all.

It's been a year now, but I still don't know where life will take us. You would think things get easier with time, but something new shows itself every day.

There's this song that comes to mind, Day by Day? It's from some musical I can't remember the name of. I think…I think I saw it or heard it in church once a long long time ago. Don't know how that would suit me now, but that song keeps ringing in my head. Anyways…

Love,

Your mom.

…

Faye put down her journal when the breast pump indicated her completion. Pumping and breastfeeding had become her new norm, but she didn't feel any less weird about it each time she had to do it. Women raved about how beautiful and natural it was, yet she was left feeling like some kind of milk machine. It hurt like hell and kept her sore most of the day. It was not an experience she would miss too dearly, but she was certainly willing to make the sacrifice if it meant the baby could eat. She began to remove the device when her door slid open and instantly, she jolted forward with an unrestrained screech.

"Shit-" Spike cursed, baby in arms, and twisted himself away from her.

"Don't you knock!?" she yelled.

"I thought you were in the bathroom."

"I specifically said I was coming to do this!"

"Well, I forgot."

"You forgot or you weren't listening?"

"I forgot!"

"Get out!"

"Alright!"

The door shut closed.

Faye buried her head into a pillow. It wasn't that Spike seeing her naked was anything new, hardly so. He had seen her more ways than she cared to admit, desirable and undesirable alike, but regardless, they were not under casual circumstances on the matter. As trivial as it seemed, she was a little self-conscious. She was all out of sorts, her confidence shattered, liquids flowing out of her, hormones still out of whack. She hadn't even properly worn make up in weeks. Pregnancy really took a toll on a woman and she did not appreciate the witnesses.

Once she was ready to shake it off and collect herself, Faye stepped out into the hallway to find them patiently waiting. Spike's stance was nonchalant as he spoke up before she could.

"I really forgot you were in there. Doing that…"

She saw an opportunity.

"What? Pumping my breast?"

Discomfort etched beautifully along his face and Faye counted that as a win on her end. So easy.

She let it sit a moment more, then dismissed the subject all together. "Fine. What were you looking for anyway?"

"That article you have about baby faces. He's making a weird one."

Faye leaned forward to check the baby out for herself. He seemed perfectly normal until he caught sight of her and then it was revealed, so quickly her mood was brightened.

"Hey…he's smiling!"

Ray was nuzzled into his father's arm, much more naturally than she'd witnessed before, with a subtle and cool smile on his face. Spike checked again, but his confusion didn't waver.

"No…no, he's not."

"Uh, hello? He's clearly smiling. How are you questioning that?"

"That's not a smile, that's a…" he took a moment, "is it a smirk?"

Faye stopped and took a minute to inspect him a second time. She stared, hoping not to find the truth in his question, but the longer she looked the more she saw what Spike saw.

Great, my baby's first expression is a smirk?

"If you wanna be technical about it…" she grumbled.

"I just thought he was having a hard time taking a shit…hey that's neat then huh?"

Faye responded with a glower. He carried his own smug smirk, perfectly in place, and the already apparent resemblance was freakish.

"Shut the hell up Spike."

…

"Lala~ baby and me~ lala~ he's starting at me~ lalala~ he's a real cutie!"

Edward sang the made-up song with pure jubilee. Ray was popped up on his belly, cooing at her so much that his pacifier fell from his mouth. Edward had seemingly become one of his favorite spectacles and she reciprocated his attentions. To her, he was the coolest creature she'd ever met since Ein. She had never spent too much time around babies, mostly kids her age or a little younger. It was all new and Edward loved new and good things.

Faye sat nearby, on the floor, folding Ray's and her own clean clothes. Since he came along, she seemed to have no trouble keeping busy. There was always something to do. Edward can't remember the last time she saw Faye lounging about or looking for ways to make quick money. She hadn't even asked Ed to paint her nails. In the recent days, she was almost an entirely different woman.

Faye slammed an article of clothing against the table, "ugh! I'm not cut out for this house mother shit."

Edward sighed with longevity. Of course, she was who she was, but Edward liked that enough too. She watched Faye remove her ponytail and headband with frustration and then begin to alter it into a small bun. Something was clearly irritating her.

"I mean, am I right Ed?"

"Ed thinks Faye can do anything she wants." And it was true, she had always done whatever she wanted.

Her look was far off, and Ed was sure Faye was no longer directing her words at her when she spoke up.

"And what if Faye doesn't know what she wants anymore?" she griped a pair of shorts.

It wasn't so rare that Edward found herself on the receiving end of these kinds of questions from the woman. She would never turn them away, even though she knew Faye was never fully satisfied with her answers. Whatever it was the grown-ups dealt with, Edward was never fully aware, but she knew about feelings and ambitions.

"Then you need to find it!"

It was such an easy answer too, she did get how Faye couldn't understand. Things change, people change, everything is always changing, changing, changing.

Faye's expression was blank, but then she smiled, faintly so and waved her off as she continued to fold, "you make everything sound so simple."

Edward quirked with curiosity, "did Ed solve your problem?"

Faye sighed, "not really."

"Hmm."

"You're an okay kid though, you know that right?" She scooped up the sloppily folded clothing and stood to her feet.

Edward did know that, and Edward knew that Faye really meant she was brilliant and good, because that's what Ed knew to be fact. However, it was rare to hear her say such things so directly. The adults never said what they really meant unless they were insulting one another.

To the side of her, Ray began to cry for something, so Edward quickly jumped into rescue mode. "Here Ray-Ray! Your sucky toy!" she put the pacifier back in place and he was calmed within moments.

"Hey, you're pretty good at that Ed."

"Edward's been watching."

Faye half snorted in a chuckle. "Can I trust you for a second?"

Ed could see the apprehension of leaving her alone with the baby clear against her features. The doubt was so instant after the question had been asked.

The girl wanted to prove she could certainly be trusted with more than just computers.

"Edward will make sure Ray-Ray does not swallow anything, roll onto the floor, or suffocate on any articles of clothing or pillows!" She said it with strong determination so Faye would know how serious she was, then she smiled big to bring a sense of comfort.

Faye responded with an odd look, "alright…I'll just be a minute." She shrugged it off and turned to walk away.

Edward watched Ray with her life.

…

Strap here.

Strap there.

Tighten.

Stuff, zip, stuff, zip.

"Bottle?"

"Check!"

"Pampers?"

"Check!"

"Those onesie things?"

"Check-check!"

Stuff, stuff.

"Something's missing."

Spike stood in the middle of the common room, baby sling perfectly in place on his chest, baby items placed securely along his form, and looking just about ready for war. Edward sat on the table next to him with pacifiers all over her fingers like rings.

Jet cleared his throat, "your baby?"

Spike turned to find him standing with Ray on his arm. He looked down upon himself, there was no more space in the sling "oh, that's right."

Taking in the sight of him, Jet laughed childishly, "getting ready for attack of the babies?"

"What? You said be prepared this time."

It occurred to Jet that Spike and Faye were like children who really didn't have a clue. At least not all of the time, but of course they liked to pretend they did. They were late to Ray's first appointment and left the ship in a whirlwind. They didn't take anything they actually needed and arrived back in a heated argument, all three of them a complete mess. At that point he decided to take charge and figure out some kind of system that would work for outings. He assigned everyone a job, Faye would make sure the baby was dressed and had food, Spike and Ed would equip the diaper bag, and Jet had the fun job of watching over Ray while the rest were occupied. It was at that time he began to introduce Ray to his bonsai; one was never too young to learn the importance of the craft.

Sometimes, it took a village.

"For one, it's a bit much…and second, you need a diaper bag."

Spike scratched his head in thought, "just thought it would be more efficient this way. Ya know, instead of digging through a bag," he reached for a diaper stuffed away on his chest, "it's right there. Easy access."

Jet arched a brow, "uh-huh…real clever."

Edward jumped up, "Ray-Ray, check! Sucky toys, check!"

Feeling refreshed and dressed for the first time in a while, Faye made her way into the room with a baby carrier in hand. "He only needs one Ed, geez" she absentmindedly instructed before placing the carrier down on the yellow sofa. She stopped to address Spike's get up, "why are there bottles in your pockets?"

Spike sighed, "it's efficient."

"is it?"

Not in the mood for a stubborn explanation, he removed all of the items from himself and placed them into the bag. "Well, if you're both gonna say something about it." He pointed to the carrier, "why'd you bring that?"

"For the baby, why else?"

"I thought we'd walk."

Faye's face dropped. "All the way to the doctor?"

"Sure, your little book here says they need some sun, right?" he answered, holding said book up from the table. "Plus, it's good for you to start moving around more now that your six weeks are past." His nonchalant certainty in that statement was jarring.

Jet and Faye looked at him like he was an unknown creature before them, but he was reading, which was probably best for them all.

"Are you saying I just sit around all day?"

Or not.

"What? No."

"Sounds like that's what you're saying."

"Well, I'm not."

Faye folded her arms in "you know, he shouldn't get over exposure either."

"It's not that much of a walk, plus he has a hat."

Jet could feel an argument budding.

"I don't want-"

"Hey, hey no need to get huffy," he interrupted, "how about you get a cab to the place and then walk back?" He stepped over to place Ray down into the carrier. "It's called compromise. Little Jetson here just needs to get buckled in" the buckle was closed shut. "There we go."

"Little Jetson?" Spike asked, Jet smiled with pride, "that's right, somebody's gotta use that name."

Faye huffed, "I wasn't getting huffy."

Edward struggled to zip up the diaper bag, but soon enough she was successful and held it up for Faye.

"Here Faye-Faye!" she grunted.

"Oh, thanks Ed." Faye glared at the full bag with uncertainty and found it was too heavy as soon as she took hold of it. "What the hell did you put in here?"

Spike brushed the back of his neck, "we may have gotten a little carried away."

Faye hulled the bag over to the table and emptied some of its contents.

"Looks like the plan needs some re-working Jet," she added.

"Hey, don't knock the plan. It just needs time!"

Edward hopped around with dismay as her work came undone.

Finally, after getting everything in check, Faye handed the bag over to Spike.

"Fine. Compromise. We'll walk back."

In agreement, he took it, and the little family was off.

…

"Alright! Our little Ray of sunshine is developing quite nicely, yes you are mister," Doctor Haylen booped his nose with her finger. Ray was laid out on the examination table, fully awake and blowing spit bubbles from his mouth. "Weight and height are right on track, which is a good sign. Seems to be eating well, sleeping normally…wonderful! Anything you want to bring to my attention before we finish up?"

Faye sat on a stool next to Ray, fully engrossed in his checkup while Spike stood in the distance disturbing a digestive model. After too much poking around, an intestine fell out. Unable to put it back into place, he tried his best to be discrete as he rolled it up and tucked it into the ear model nearby. Faye scowled with annoyance before addressing Doctor Haylen.

"Oh um- actually, he's been doing this weird breathing thing."

That drew Spike's attention.

"Hmm…weird breathing thing? Care to elaborate?"

"It's not too often," She stopped to recall it, "but it's mostly at night, when he's crying. It's almost like he's having a hard time breathing, but he's always okay after a few seconds."

Spike leaned against the counter to hide his mess when he piped in. "He makes little wheezing noises too."

Faye nodded in agreement.

"I see, well there could be a variety of reasons for that. He could just be working himself up with tantrums or it could be a variety of conditions. Technically Ray is considered pre-mature so he could be subject to some breathing issues, some are far more serious than others and sometimes wear off over time. This, for instance sound like a case of raspatory dysplasia-"

"Raspatory…dys-what?" Faye tried to sound out the word with confusion.

"DIS-PLAY-SHIA, but don't let that scare you. It could very well be a very minor issue. He's too young for us to do any real test, so you'll just have to keep an eye on him and in the case of an emergency, bring him right in."

"Wait, are you saying he could have like a sickness or something?" Faye questioned.

"Yeah, what exactly do you mean?" Spike stepped forward, suddenly very interested in the topic. "can he die with that thing?"

Doctor Haylen waved her hands about, "oh! no, no, no, it's not a fatal disease. I mean If Ray is later diagnosed, it is incurable, but manageable. Kind of like asthma and as asthma, it can become an emergency situation if never treated, especially in extreme cases…"

Her eyes darted between Spike and Faye's clear apprehension. She cleared her throat, "please, don't worry. Your son will be able to have a normal life either way. We all have some medical issue, mental or otherwise, don't we? We're only Martian after all!" She laughed at her lame joke, but no one joined in.

Clearing her throat again, the Doctor took hold of her clip board, "yes, well I'll get a packet ready for you. It has information about dealing with breathing issues in babies. What to do what not to do and the like. I'll send a nurse in just a moment to give Ray his vaccines as well. If you have any questions, remember you can call at any time and don't hesitate to bring him in either. Okay? Okay!"

With that, she left Spike and Faye to sit with it.

…

They walked down that same sidewalk two years ago on their way back from a failed bounty. Their ships had to be towed after Jet refused to give either of them a ride back to the dock. Spike remembered letting his long legs carry him further ahead, hands deep in his pockets and brows stressed with agitation. Faye followed ways behind, cigarette held loosely in her mouth and attitude smeared sourly in her tracks. Just like any other day.

It didn't seem like it at the time, but things were so much more simple back then.

No actual worries until those worries came knocking at the door for each of them.

They now walked in step together with Ray cushioned in the sling. Spike wouldn't like to admit it, but his thoughts were consumed with what the doctor had informed them of. It may not be that serious, as she said, but it still probed at him.

All the what ifs.

What if things could get worse?

What if I can't do anything about it?

In a flash, he recalled the sight of Ray at the hospital with all those tubes on him.

There were no guarantees the kid would never come into any harm, no matter how hard either of them tried. Spike knew it firsthand from his own childhood, not that any adult ever actually tried to keep him safe, but it was a clear reality of life. It felt like he was on his toes.

Illness.

It was hard to protect against something that wasn't a physical threat.

Out of his hands.

Maybe that's what troubled him the most.

"It's his first walk. If you think about it."

Faye's voice startled him as it cut through the wind and his thoughts. He hardly had a clue as to why she was grinning.

"I guess you could say that" he gazed down at Ray, who's eyes were wide among his surroundings. That was a good thing, maybe he would sleep through the night if he didn't sleep now. Ray couldn't see very much from his position and the brimmed hat that shielded him from the sun. Faye reached over to adjust it.

"He'll have a lot of first," she added matter of fact.

Spike stopped in motion, "sure. Doctor said he could live with it, plus we don't even know if he has that raspatory- thing."

"I know she did. I wasn't talking about that."

He stalled at the realization that his reflections had bled into his words.

"Were you thinking it?"

Faye looked away from him and moved to sit down on nearby steps that led down to the river.

"I can't help it." Her confession was quiet, "I just have this weird…pang feeling." Her hand clenched in front of her chest as she tried to explain. "Do you…know what I mean?"

"Little bit," he walked over and sat down too.

It was more than a little bit.

There were no guarantees. She had to know that too.

Ray began to fuss, little cranky whines emerged as he budged against Spike's chest. They both looked to him, just staring for a while before Spike spoke with a tired voice. "He sure cries a lot."

Faye hummed in understanding.

"What do you think his deal is?" Spike continued, "mad we stopped walking?"

Her face was pressed in thought, "what time is it?"

He reached for his communicator and checked, "close to five."

She sighed, "he's probably hungry. I'll take him."

Apparently, Ray eats at five, he noted.

Spike undid the straps that held him close and handed him over to her. He looked through the bag for the bottle, "sure it's not a diaper issue?"

Faye set Ray comfortably in her arms, "I changed him before we left remember?"

"Oh yeah," Spike passed her the bottle and watched as she gently calmed him and fed him with care. So much care. He didn't know if it was Faye being nurturing or just the sight of a mother and her child, but it warmed him. Almost the perfect picture with the sun hanging low.

They sat there silently, no one saying a word while the baby eagerly drank his milk.

Day by day it would have to be.

~The Baby Diaries~

A/N: The diaper bag scene was definitely inspired by toys in the attic. I just thought you should know. Lol.

…SEE YOU SPACE READERS! (yes I definitely forgot this last time )