I had hoped that maybe after the night he had followed me for training that all would be okay again. Which, things were most likely going to be okay again if Harry didn't decide to sit with me and Sue the next day. Ethan was headed to our table but froze as soon as he saw Harry. He almost immediately turned and went to sit next to Zion and Eugene.

Sue noticed his gesture and spun around in her seat to face me. "Can I hit him?"

"Sue," I sighed, holding back a small smile. It shouldn't be funny, but because I wanted to hit him too, it was.

"Hey," Harry leaned in. "Is he still being a little pussy ass bitch baby?"

Sue's eyes widened and she stared at him in shock. "Harry?" Her voice raised an octave. He hummed in response. "Did you actually just say that? Did those words actually leave your mouth? Am I hearing things?"

Harry chuckled. "I'm allowed to swear, Sue."

"No," Sue dismissed his words. "You said pussy."

"Okay everyone," Lawrence clapped to gain the attention of everyone in the room. It worked like a charm as all conversations stopped, including my groups' strange conversation, and turned to face Lawrence. "We're going to be assigning patrols and night watch tonight and plan who wants to group up for tomorrow to search for more supplies. We're going to be needing more food soon and anything else more valuable. Most important things are a priority." Everyone nodded in agreement with his words when he started to say the pairs.

"Eugene and Zion for Patrol."

"Hailey and Sue for Patrol." Which seemed just fine to me, but Sue seemed to perk up beside me. I turned to view her slightly without alerting her that I was looking. I was sure I saw a small grin on her face. She seemed excited to be paired with Hailey. I didn't know they were close, Sue has usually been with me. Though I don't know how this group was without me either so I can't say anything.

"Me and Emily for night watch."

That left 3. Harry, Ethan, and I.

"And due to the odd number, I was thinking Harry, Ethan, and Aaliyah could all do night watch together."

I froze in place. I could almost feel Sue and Harry doing the same. I could also sense Ethan tensing up. I knew all of us were unsure of this. Due to Ethan being a bitch baby and Harry just trying to be a good friend, yet for some reason, there was this tension between them and it was all because of me.

"We can figure out some better pairing for next time, but as of now that's what I have gathered just because we will be in a bit of a hurry to get things done." Lawrence continued his speech. "Who is willing to go out with the group tomorrow?" He asked the team in front of him, waiting for volunteers.

Almost instantly I raised my hand. Not sure what got into me, but I wanted to leave. Get out of here. Practice in the real world. These past couple of weeks have been so quiet and low. Lawrence wasn't letting me go out with the group and was barely letting me do night watches. Sue suspects Ethan had something to do with it since he was his right-hand man. Knowing Ethan, I wouldn't put it past him. I was just hoping this time Lawrence would finally let me.

Lawrence nodded at my decision and didn't deny my request. I was finally able to do this. Though, not surprisingly, as soon as he saw my hand raise his hand did too. Ethan.

"Aaliyah and Ethan, anyone else?" Lawrence asked around.

As Ethan raised his hand, Sue next to me raised hers. I looked over to her and she was sending daggers in a glare at Ethan. Lawrence just nodded at her and I slapped Sue's arm lightly.

"Hey!" She whispered at me with a yelp. "What was that for?"

"You're glaring at Ethan," I responded in an annoyed tone, still in a whisper.

"Yeah," Sue looked at me seeming confused. "That was my point."

I rolled my eyes and leaned back into my seat. Not long after, Zion raised his hand.

Lawrence smiled at us and leaned back onto the desk behind him, slightly taking a seat. "Okay good, you 4 will be going out tomorrow. Again, try and find food and only take back what is most important." He spoke to us, reminding us of the objective of our adventure for the next day. We all nodded in response. "That's all I have, for now, go ahead and start on patrols."

Everyone left the room slowly beside my group.

"Hey, Sue?" Harry poked Sue's arm catching her attention. Sue hummed in response. "Can I speak to Aaliyah alone for a second?"

Sue turned to face me as if to ask if I was okay with doing so. I just nodded at her and she got up to leave the room.

"What do you need?" I shifted in my seat to give Harry my full attention.

"Well," He scratched the back of his neck. "You like Ethan, right?"

I stood up straight in my seat as I looked at him confused. "What?"

"I just kind of assumed. I mean, it was pretty obvious from the beginning."

"What?" I spat out, a bit more harsh than I was wanting. "How?"

Harry had a small grin peek upon his face. "Well, the way you hugged when you met again was a bit more intimate than it would be for just a school friend." He then leaned in closer to me. "And from your reactions, I'm assuming I'm right?"

"I," I began to stutter. Did I? I mean, I felt like it was obvious, yeah I did. But the way I had been feeling around Harry lately. Did I like Harry? I liked his touch, his words, his hugs, his presence. "I don't know."

"Can I be honest?" Harry whispered to me. I nodded. "You're easy to read, Aaliyah."

I stared at him in shock and a small bit of fear. "I," I began to stutter again. This side of Harry was weird. It was different. But he was smart and he knew it. "I don't know what you mean."

"Aaliyah, you don't like me." Harry sighed. "You like the attention."

"What?" I shouted on accident, covering my mouth with the palm of my hand causing the sound of a slap against my skin. Looking around, realizing it seemed that nobody noticed, I gave Harry my full attention again. "What?" I repeated, but this time in a whisper.

He smiled. "I like you, Aaliyah," Harry confessed neatly, without hesitation, without fear. "But I can tell that you don't feel the same."

"But-"

"I can feel your heart race when we're close or when we hug. At first, it could have just been the touch, but soon it felt like more." He explained. "I was happy for a bit until I noticed in those you would zone out. You weren't paying attention to me. Your mind was somewhere else. You liked the affection, but you wished I was someone else."

The way he spoke, with confidence, with sureness. I was in shock because he was completely right. It felt weird and strange and I suppose, not something I was ready to admit. I sat up from my seat abruptly and patted down my clothes. "I have to go," I said quickly and walked out as fast as I could before I could hear anything else from Harry.

...

I locked myself in my room almost the entire day until the last meeting. I once again sat with Sue and Harry and then once the meeting was adjourned we got prepared for the night watch. I was with Harry and Ethan. Although I had such an exit with Harry previously, he seemed normal. Didn't seem awkward, offended, stand-offish. He seemed fine. That's what I liked about Harry. He was also understanding and patient.

Why shouldn't I like him? Why shouldn't I try?

Why feel for the guy who doesn't want me to defend myself when I can go for the guy who only ever wants to help?

When we got prepared for the night watch, I grabbed my weapon and prepared to leave my classroom. But, before I opened the door, I stopped in my tracks to think.

"You okay?" Sue asked, curious of my sudden action.

I turned around to face her and smiled. That's when I put my crowbar down and shook the letterman jacket I had on. I then walked to the side and grabbed a spare sweater Sue had. I looked back at Sue and nodded. "I am now."

Before she could say any more, I grabbed my crowbar once again and left the room.

I walked over to 1-C to meet up with Harry and Ethan. When I walked in I did notice them having a fine conversation. It was almost surprising to me since Ethan seemed to be so uncomfortable with Harry lately but I guess Harry is just too much of a sweetheart to ignore, even for Ethan.

When they heard the door open both of their heads turned to face me. Harry smiled and Ethan seemed shocked. Then confused. Then sad. He noticed I wasn't wearing his letterman jacket anymore. I didn't like hurting him, but I don't see why I should spare his feelings when he stopped caring about mine.

...

Ethan's P.O.V

Why did she change? Where did she put it? Where did it go? Why isn't she wearing it?

It stung. Well, in all honesty, it hurt like a bitch. Though, I guess she had every right to. I've been nothing but cold to her lately. It's not that I wanted to, it's just hard to find the words. Hard to figure out how to say sorry. I've typed it out over text a million times but it was never able to convey the emotion I wanted it to.

As if I could even convey the emotion I wanted to ever.

It was hard for me. To be honest. It was easier to be the tough one and protect others rather than speak for myself. I wanted to be more honest. I did. It was hard. I had lost so many people due to how quiet I was, how I hid my emotions rather than speaking up and saying what I wanted to say. It hurt every time I lost someone yet it had never hurt this bad and I hadn't even lost her. Yet.

But she was slipping away.

It's why I was never able to hold a serious relationship with anyone. My longest relationship barely made it to 6 months. I don't know how to convey my emotions properly and I lose everyone because of it. I don't want to do that again. I'm not going to do that again.

I'm not going to lose Aaliyah.

Why did I not want to teach her to defend herself? Why was I being so stubborn? Why was I being so selfish? Why wouldn't I just be there for her? She's right, I can't always be there to protect. She needs to know how to protect herself. Why did that scare me?

As we went around the schoolyard for night watch I stayed silent and walked on my own. I just watched her and Harry get along. Talking, laughing, getting close. I was just watching, why was I just watching?

Say something, Ethan. Just say something.

My heartrace got faster and I could feel my breathing become unsteady as well. No words escaped my mouth. My throat was tight, they were stuck in there. They wouldn't come out. They weren't going to come out, they never did. Just say something. It was frustrating. I didn't know how.

"Did you still want to practice today, Aaliyah?" Harry spoke to Liyah, looking at her with a soft expression.

She smiled brightly in response. "Yeah, I'd love that."

He retuned the smile. "Awesome, after we finish up-"

"Take me with you." I spoke. I spoke. I did it, finally. I said something. I wish I could speak softer. Not so blunt, not so monotone, I wish I knew how to be softer. Like Harry. Maybe Aaliyah would like that? If I was softer?

Who am I kidding, I can't do that. That's not me. I can't just be someone I'm not. I just wish I was someone a bit easier to deal with or understand. Like he was.

They both looked at me with some shock and surprise. Most likely because I hadn't spoken that whole night. Or because I wanted to interrupt their alone time.

Aaliyah raised her eyebrows at me in curiousity and disbelief but neither of those expressions looked like they had any type of positive connotation. "Why?"

"Just think I could help a bit." I responded, avoiding her gaze as it only made me feel worse.

"Still don't understand why you decided to randomly start caring now." She sighed. "You barely talk to me anymore because I wanted to protect myself and no suddenly you want to help?"

"I changed my mind."

"Then why do you still avoid me?" Her voice became softer and weaker. She was hurt. I hurt her.

I slightly frowned, though I'm unsure if that's actually noticeable on my face. "I don't know how to approach you." I admitted. "Don't know if you'd let me."

Aaliyah frowned. "Just talk to me and I'd try."

I nodded. I didn't know what else to say. Why am I like this? Why are words so hard? So difficult? Why is it so much easier yet so much harder at the same time to just stay quiet?

We continued walking around for the night watch except this time, I wasn't just behind everyone. I stood with them. I was spoken to lightly. Maybe me and Liyah weren't exactly to where we were before, but it was something I missed. Just talking to her. Hanging out with her. That comfortable feeling of her presence.

I knew I started feeling something for her a long time ago. While we were in math class together. The first time we sat down next to each other for that class it was nice. She didn't try to push me to talk, she didn't care if I was sleeping, it was just a quiet and mututal understanding of each other. She'd willingly give me her notes and helped me if I needed it. I was only passing the class because of her. She was so kind to me, even with my lack of words.

We started getting to know each other a bit more after that. She started calling me mouse since to her I was as quiet as a mouse. We exchanged numbers in case I needed help with math or if either of us were just bored. That's when she discovered I was a better texter than I was a better talker. That's how we started to get to know each other better. She still never pushed me to talk more in person. She let me be comfortable. I liked that. I miss that. Just sitting next to each other in math class together. Not being upset with each other in a world where we could lose each other in any second.

I was so happy when she asked if she could see me practice. Then when she made a habit of it by watching me every Friday. I got excited to get through the week for Friday's. My teammates even said I performed better on Friday's, which to me made me happy because I wanted to impress her. What I loved is she gave me her full attention. She wouldn't be on her phone, she wouldn't do school work, she would just keep her eyes on me. No matter what position I was in. I absolutely loved it.

Usually the players gave their letterman jackets to their girlfriends to wear at their games. She wasn't big on sports so I was sure she didn't know that tradition. I just wanted to see her at my game with my jacket. I wanted her to be wearing my jacket. I wanted people to see her beautiful face, my letterman jacket, and know that she was mine. I wanted her to be mine. The biggest step I had ever taken was by giving her my jacket.

Yet, I never got to see her wear it at my game. As mine.

So when I found her at that little store wearing my jacket I had never felt better. Finding her again in this world, wearing my jacket. God, it was so beautiful. She is so beautiful. I was so happy. It warmed my heart every single time I saw her wearing my jacket. It felt fucking amazing every single time. It almost felt better each time I saw her wearing it.

Until she took it off.

Now we're here. She's not in my jacket and she's talking with another boy.

I do this to myself all the time. I wish I was better. I want to be better.

For her.

We had finished up the night watch, the 3 of us together and hanging out and not just the 2 of them, and we all headed back to the school's front doors to go back inside and prepare for more of her defense practice.

"Wait," Aaliyah spoke urgently, causing me and Harry to stop in place and face her. "Harry, can I talk to you? In private? It'll be quick." She looked at me at her final words. Almost as if she wasn't just asking Harry but she was asking me for permission. Harry agreed to stay back to talk to her and I nodded to give them their space.

Why did she want them to be alone together? Did I do something wrong? Did I fuck up? What did I do?

I walked inside and just kept walking, knowing if I were to turn around I would most likely regret it.

But, curiousity killed the cat.

I walked all the way back up to 1-C when I decided to just take a peek outside the window to see what was happening. Ignorance is bliss and I wish I was ignorant.

What appeared in front of me was Harry's hands softly placed around her waist and her arms wrapped around his neck as they were tightly embraced in a kiss. Her hand would slowly creep up his head and grip onto his hair lightly as she would run her fingers through it. Her other hand would slide away from his neck and be placed onto his cheek as their lips continued to stay in sync with each other. Harry's hands would sometimes slip further down her waist and rest on her hips, though at a certain point he had lifted a hand to move her hair out of her face and place it behind her ear, leaving his hand placed on her jaw.

I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to watch. Except, my eyes wouldn't tear away. That was supposed to be me, that should've been me, I should've been the one holding her by her waist and kissing her lips. Why wasn't that me?

I fucked up.

Was Harry the ideal type for her? Soft and honest, slim and sweet, like some kind of fasion model? That wasn't me. Was I not the type for her? Was I not someone she'd be into? I wasn't too soft, I wasn't so honest. I was more broad than slim, I always looked tired and uninterested so I was never described at seeming sweet, and I was far from appearing to be some fasion model. I was built nothing like Harry. Fuck.

I thought maybe from our interactions in school, her focus on me at my practices, from the fact that after months of not seeing each other she still wore my letterman jacket to be reminded of me that maybe, just maybe, she felt the same way about me, but looking over at how comfortable she looked against Harry, I guess I was wrong.

I was never really one to cry, it was almost as if it was impossible for me to. Except, when I turned away from the window to give up and walk back to my room I felt something cold and wet slide down my cheek.