I looked at Johnny quizzically as we continued to drive through the building darkness. His eyes remained on the road. I was finding his expression hard to read. He didn't look angry or upset. He didn't look annoyed. His whole face was incredibly balanced. Not happy. Just not negative, particularly.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked, quietly, part of my brain already bracing itself. Deep down, I sensed where this was going. I just couldn't believe he'd choose now.

"Dutch and Tommy are back. Y'know, like you said." Johnny said, apparently measuring each phrase, carefully. "And..."

"Johnny..."

"Look, you said something a while ago and it stuck with me. You said we're not great at communicating, right?"

"Johnny, I-...!"

"No! Just listen to me a minute, okay? That's exactly what I'm getting at. Communication! So I didn't get what you meant at first. We talk just fine. We can... what's that phrase you use?"

"Talk the back legs off a donkey." I said, quietly.

"Right. And, sure. We can. When it's something like movies or music or... karate!" He smiled and I found myself smiling too, even though my stomach was twisting into knots. "But, you know something? That's kinda where it ends. And, my God, I love you! I do! I just think that... maybe... it's not enough?"

I felt a huge wave wash over me and my throat became incredibly tight against the tears that threatened to flow. Johnny's face was still composed but there was a sadness in his eyes.

"I know..." I choked. "I love you too, Johnny..." I sobbed and my head fell forwards so I ended up staring down at the half eaten sandwich still in my lap. I didn't feel like eating it at all now. "I'm sorry!" I cried, fat, hot tears rolling unattractively down my face. "I tried! I really tried! It just never seemed to work!"

"I know you did."

"I don't want the gang to split up!"

That last part burst out without any pre-thought. It was the biggest worry I'd had. The worst-case scenario. It fell from my mouth without warning. Lose Johnny and our little group went with him. It was over.

"I don't want it to be over!" I sobbed, putting my face in my hands.

"Hey, Jac, c'mon." Johnny said, soothingly. "Look, okay. I'm gonna need some time. You're gonna need some time. But we'll get over it won't we? And I'm not gonna stop being friends with you! That's just dumb. You're smarter than that. You're so damn smart! Okay? You're stuck with me. Got it? We were friends before, we can be friends again."

I nodded, trying to laugh, but I couldn't. All of a sudden, every good moment Johnny and I had ever shared was streaming through my head. Every romantic date. Every soft memory. As though my brain had instantly forgotten the needless arguments, the petty comments, the almost daily raising of hackles and flexing of claws, born out of trying to make a failing relationship work. Both of us had been too stubborn to admit that it wasn't working and put up with it anyway. None of that existed now. All I wanted to do was claw at the positive, as if it was everything our eighteen months together had been. It felt like breaking up would render it all a lie. Like leaving was admitting that I'd been wrong. We'd been wrong. It was admitting defeat. We'd lost the fight. And defeat did not exist in this dojo!

But it did...

this time.

"Hey." Johnny said, softly. "Let me pull over a minute." He pulled the car up onto the verge. We were a little way out of town and there were only a few lights lining the edge of the road that illuminated our faces with orange. Every so often, a car drove past, throwing a stark light over us in a blinding sweep before disappearing. Johnny faced me so we were looking into each other's eyes.

"Look, I learned something from Ali all those years ago," Johnny began, "we were just like us. Great at the start! But the longer it lasted, the less it worked. And she tried to talk to me about it too! She really tried to get me to see that it wasn't working out! But I was an asshole! I told her not to be so stupid, that it was a rough patch and we'd work it out. But it didn't and she kept trying and I kept telling her no until she eventually just ended it with me. And after that... well, you know the rest. In the end, I lost her altogether. We never stayed in contact. She moved away to Virginia and that was that. I didn't just lose a girlfriend, I lost my friend too. And I am not losing you that way! Got it? Not you! Because, fuck, you're special to me! And you're part of this world and our group now and I don't ever want that to change. So, yeah. I'm breaking up with you. Because you know we were going that way anyway. All we ever did was piss each other off and that's exactly what happened with Ali."

"Johnny..." I hiccuped.

"I know. It sucks. It really fucking sucks! I didn't ever want to feel like this again but I can't make the same mistake twice. And I have to do it now, before it gets worse."

I nodded, tears still rolling down my cheeks, my brain still trying, frantically, to convince me that our relationship was all sunshine and rainbows and no fights because it was easier than the yawning void of darkness before me.

"Tommy and Dutch are back. You got them now. They'll look after ya. And I'll be back, I promise."

"I don't want to." I whispered. It sounded so childish that I cringed, even through my tears.

"Well, that's not your decision."

It was a harsh statement but he said it so soft. So low. But so firm. I knew he couldn't be swayed. So I just sat there and sobbed. I reached my hand out for his. He took it and squeezed it gently.

"I'll take you to Bobby's." Johnny murmured after a while.

So we drove silently through the strengthening dark. There was a furious battle going on in my head. One side was screaming at me to say something, to stop this, to find some way to make it work and keep going as we always had done. It screamed and screamed that I could fix everything if only I was smart enough. But the other side of me was shaking her head and trying to talk some sense into her, reminding her that we'd barely acted like a couple in weeks. We never really spent any time around each other any more and, when we did, it often ended with a few terse words and an icy exit. It wasn't fair to either of us to stay together. We were stopping each other from being with people who loved us as more than just best friends. People who'd be devoted to us.

I couldn't imagine being with anyone else right now. And the thought of Johnny being with anyone else was like acid in my stomach. But I didn't say anything. I bit my tongue and stayed silent. It hurt so much, but it needed to happen.

I stayed silent when we got to Bobby's.

I stayed silent as Johnny got out and rung the doorbell and explained the situation to Jill and Brian, and eventually Bobby.

I stayed silent as I walked through the door to concerned babbling from Jill.

I stayed silent until I turned around and saw Johnny standing by the open door of his car and he looked at me sadly, throwing up a hand in a simple wave.

The floodgates opened and I broke down in sobs. I ran from Bobby's front door towards Johnny's car, but he'd already got in and started the engine. One last hug! One last kiss! That would be enough! I could live with that! Johnny didn't look round. He pulled out of the drive and drove away down the street, leaving me standing at the end of Bobby's drive in the open gateway, desolate and feeling like I'd just been pushed off a cliff. I was a mess and I knew it but I was too detached from my surroundings to care. So detached, in fact, that I didn't hear Bobby walk up behind me.

He put his arms around me and just held me. I spun around and buried my face in his striped jumper, bawling my heart out against his chest.

A voice came from the doorway.

"Bobby... Oh my God." I peered over Bobby's shoulder and saw Molly, Bobby's girlfriend, standing there in a simple flannel shirt and jeans.

"Go back inside. I'll be there in a minute." Bobby told her.

"I'm-... I'm sorry.." I sniffed disgustingly and tried to pull away from Bobby, waves of despair continuing to wash over me as I continued to cry like the world just ended. But Bobby held onto me firmly, refusing to let me go, and placed a hand on my head, stroking my hair with his thumb.

"I'm gonna make you snotty.." I mumbled.

"I don't care." Bobby replied.

"I'll get her some tissue." Molly said, kindly, and withdrew back into the house.

Bobby and I stood in the night air, without talking, for a couple of minutes as I tried to calm down.

"Hey. The family room might be more comfortable." Bobby murmured. "Mom's making hot chocolate. That's your favourite right?"

Later, I sat on the sofa, feeling restless and uncomfortable. I was trying to listen to Jill as she tried to take my mind off things with evenings out I could join in with, now I was living here again. I was trying not to think of Johnny alone in our... his flat. Or maybe he'd gone somewhere else? A college friend's maybe? Another powerful wave of sadness crashed over me and fresh tears rolled down my puffy, blotchy face. My Gods, I must have looked disgusting! But Jill fussed over me and grabbed some tissue to mop me up, then pulled me into a hug, rubbing my back with pretty constant "Sssh!".

Bobby, Molly and Brian all tried to cheer me up and reassure me and make me laugh. Molly was fiercely insisting he must be crazy to dump me (she hadn't known either me or Johnny very long, bless her. But she tried). Bobby was throwing around suggestions for concerts we could go to and movies we could see, the three of us. Even Brian put in an attempt with a gruff "His loss, huh?".

At about nine o'clock that night, I was still sitting in the same spot on Bobby's sofa, trying hard not to think about the movie nights and sleepovers we'd had in here. I wanted something to take my mind off everything but nothing I tried worked. All the best movies that Bobby had, we'd watched together. All of us, Johnny included. I thought about reading a book and picked one off the shelf, but after reading the same line nine times without taking anything in, I put it back. I turned on the television but there was only some sports game on. I wasn't even sure what it was. American football maybe? At least the general buzz of the game was lessening the consistent wailing in my head. I curled up, catlike, and tried to get interested in the sport.

Bobby came back through and sat on the other end of the sofa.

"How you doing?" He asked.

I shrugged. The initial impact had passed. Now I was dealing with the dull, continuous shockwaves. My face throbbed and felt hot and my eyes were stubbornly fuzzy, despite how many times I blinked hard or rubbed them to get my vision to clear.

"It came out of nowhere, Bobby." I mumbled, thickly. "We were so happy. We found Dutch, Tommy's getting out of hospital. And then he went and dropped that on me! There's no way I could ever have seen that coming!" I paused as a fresh stream of tears flowed. "Why today? Why then? It doesn't make any sense!"

Bobby inhaled deeply and sighed.

"Life's messy. And there's never a "good" time to break up with someone. Johnny knew that. Maybe he did it because you were so happy. Maybe he thought it'd hurt less."

"Well he was wrong!" I spat at Bobby, and instantly crumpled, feeling immediate guilt for snapping at him. "I'm sorry..!" I choked.

Bobby rubbed my shoulder.

"It's okay." He said, softly. "I mean, I kinda get it. Why he did it today, I mean. Imagine if he'd done it when you were feeling like shit. That'd be worse, right?"

"Why did it have to happen at all, though?!" I hiccuped. I saw Bobby take a breath in and held up my hand. "No! No... don't... don't answer that." I said, trying to calm myself down. "I know. It had to happen eventually. Neither of us were happy. I just wanted to pretend for a bit longer, you know?"

"You'd never stop pretending." Said Jill's voice from over by the door. Bobby stood to allow his mum to take his place and she sat down beside me. "I know you're trying to think of all the ways you could have made it better, everything you could have tried if only you had more time. But all you're going to do is hurt yourself. You couldn't fix it. And that's okay! Because maybe it was never meant to be "fixed". It was never broken to begin with because it simply wasn't there. But you know what is there?"

I shook my head.

"A really good friend. And that's safe for you now. Just think, if you'd spent all your time trying to fix a love that didn't exist, that might have been lost. And I know you love him! I do, sweetheart! But you need to take some time and think about how you really feel and what you truly want."

I took a breath and Jill gently put a single finger to my lips.

"Don't answer now. Your emotions are all going crazy. Do me a favour and sleep on it." She winked at me with a smile and clutched my hands momentarily before getting up. "Bobby, go make sure her bed's set up."