Chapter 6: Hit 'Em Right Between The Eyes
"Damn," Judy said, "this panic traffic is still going hard."
Our tank was stuck in heavy traffic near Savanna Central Park, at the intersection of Foxhall Road and Beaver Street.
"I haven't been in traffic this bad," I said, "since I went to that Harestorm and In This Marmot concert all the way out in Fairfox county. I mean, it was one of my few concerts outside Zootopia. It was at this very antiquated basketball arena that has since been demolished." (by the way we also listen to stuff that isn't metal, including punk, hard rock, and even acoustic).
"Yeah, this is what the city used to be like when I was a kit," Nick said, "before they gave a complete overhaul of the transit system and removed most of the freeways. Also before they added high speed rail to surrounding areas like Bunnyburrow and Otterbury."
"And I really have to go work the lemonade stand," I said, "is there a pisser in this tank? An empty water bottle?"
"Actually, there is a small one," Nick said, "but be careful, it's like an airplane shitter but even smaller."
"Thanks so much," I ran back and found the tiny restroom, where I proceeded to mark my territory. However, the tank suddenly started moving and I got piss all over the walls and my fur, as well as some on my pants.
"Sorry," Nick said as I came out of the bathroom, "the light turned green and the car behind us was honking."
"It's fine," I said, "When I was a little kit I took the Loper bus all the way to Lynxburg and there were so many potholes I also got piss in my fur while in the bathroom."
"Damn," Nick said, "I had that happen back in high school. Hard to get that musky odor out of your fur."
"Yeah," I said, "everyone thought that someone had lit up in the bus. And I smell like my own piss again. But hey, the bathroom is now my territory I guess."
"Well," Nick said, "the smell is actually quite nice."
"It actually is," I said, "My Binturong friend from elementary school had a pants pissing problem. Everyone called him 'popcorn' because he smelled like popcorn."
"Also, Zootopia to Lynxburg," Judy said, "That's quite a long ride."
"It is," I responded, "but at least we got to stop at Elkridge. Still better than having to drive 4 hours and was much cheaper than the Zoomer train. Good thing the Zoomer company has increased their rail presence and made it cheaper, because that train is much better and faster."
"Also," Judy said "you reminded me of this rabbit slam metal song that I used to listen to in high school that went like 'I WANT TO GET PISS IN MY MOUTH TONIGHT! YEAH! AND VOMIT IN MY BALLS!'"
"Oh yeah," Nick said, "I remember than song.
"The first time my brother showed me that," I said, "I laughed my floofy ass off."
"Good times," Nick said, "hopefully these slammerjams will be gone and-"
WHOOSH!
"Oh shit," I said, "we're right near Savanna Central Park."
"Battle time," Judy said.
"Let's hide," Nick said, "and see what happens next."
One of the alien spacecraft zoomed through the sky, firing a giant laser blast.
"Oh fuck," I said, "they went right for the Pronghorn Building!"
The small ship kept firing laser blasts all around, as panicked pedestrians ran around screaming.
"This is not good," Nick said, "good thing we got our hidey-corner."
"Yes," Judy said, "a nice hidey-corner."
The craft crashed into the park, right by the fountain. More of the Slammerjams got out.
"GREETINGS, FELLOWS OF ZOOTOPIA!" One of them yelled in an evil voice, "I AM KROGERON! A MAJOR FIGURE OF THE SLAMMERJAMS!"
"Oh fuck," Nick said, "they can speak our language now!"
"At least we had their name correctly," I said.
"WE HAVE LEARNED YOUR WAYS! AND HAVE LEARNED TO SPEAK YOUR LANGUAGE! AND NOW! WE ARE HERE TO DESTROY YOUR PLANET! AND ALL OTHER PLANETS ALONG WITH IT!"
"Why do you want to do that?" asked a tweenage Prairie Dog.
"BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT US ALIENS ALWAYS DO IN THE MOVIES!" said the Slammerjam,
"Okay sneaky fox" Judy said, "secretly, slowly, let's move this tank up."
"Clever bunny," Nick said, as he secretly moved the tank closer to the action, through an alley that eventually led to the park. I got my rocket launcher ready.
"AND NOW!" said Krogeron, "IT IS TIME FOR ALL OF YOU TO DIE!"
"NOT TODAY MOTHERFUCKERS!" I shouted, as I popped out of the hatch of the tank, both paws clutching my blaster.
"AH HA HA HA HA!" Krogeron laughed maniacally, "SOON YOU WILL BE DEAD!"
"This is OUR city!" I shouted, "ATTACK!"
Nick then turned the car radio on to start playing "You're Gonna Go Far Kid" by The Otterspring as I fired a grenade right at the Slammerjams. It exploded and severely wounded one. Immediately afterwards, Judy popped out of the hatch with her quad laser blaster and blew up parts of the spaceship. Nick drove the tank in and fired a few rounds at the aliens.
The aliens fired back, hitting a side of the tank, but no damage was inflicted. The Ottertons then badassly drove onto the scene in a Prius, and all got out, including their two young children. The children both had water guns and each had scooters. Emmitt had a big flower while Viking had a hurdy gurdy.
"OH, FAKE WEAPONS!" shouted Krogeron, "I will annihilate you!"
"If ya say so!" Emmitt said, he then picked up his flower and it immediately shot fire right at two of the charging aliens, both of them ran around panicked screaming.
"Corey! Piper!" Shouted Emmitt, "Show them how to fight the Lutrine way!"
"Aye aye sir!" shouted both of the children, as they rode forth on their scooters, water guns in paw. They then shot water at the two Slammerjams, who immediately started dissolving into goop on the ground. I guess the aliens are hydrophobic.
"Let's get musical!" Viking said, she picked up her hurdy gurdy and it fired a dart that lodged itself right inside one of the aliens, a few seconds later, the dart exploded, sending gross alien material everywhere. She then reached into her armpit to pull out a Viking axe that she threw and severed the head of another Slammerjam.
"Holy shit!" I thought, "those Ottertons are good fighters!"
Finnick and Duke Weaselton both ran in. Finnick was carrying a flaming baseball bat and while Duke was carrying a ninja star. More of the Slammerjams ran in as Finnick clonked them with his flaming baseball bat, leaving the Otterton children to finish off the work. Duke threw his ninja star that went right towards the weak spot of one of them, killing them instantly.
With the group of aliens depleted, Krogeron fired more blasts at all of the attacking mammals, but missed at all moments, even though they almost got Duke at one point. Judy utilized her kung fu moves, slashing at the aliens with a great force. The Ottertons kept making great use of their weapons, while Finnick and Duke let the bodies hit the floor.
"YOU THINK YOU CAN DEFEAT ME!" shouted Krogeron.
"Okay," I said to Nick and Judy, "should I do it?"
"Yes," they both said, "do it."
I climbed up to the top of the tank, which was right in front of Krogeron. I was holding my scorpion knife. I then proceeded to do a leap of faith off of the tank.
"YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR THE POWER OF-"
The alien leader was cut off, as, I pounce and slashed him. I went for the center spot between all ten of their eyes. The little knife went right through, dissecting the entire body.
As I opened my eyes, I saw that all of the slammerjams were gone now, but I was covered in all the gross slimy shit from the alien. I actually would have rather been covered with piss.
"We did it!" I shouted.
"Fuck yeah!" Judy exclaimed. She was ecstatic.
"I love you all so much," Nick said, "maybe we all hug later, after some snow pouncing."
The Ottertons came up to me.
"Wow," I said, "you all did great. Also, nice to meet the children."
"Hi there I'm Corey and I just turned 10," said the older one who was wearing a Barking Benjamin t-shirt, "Like ma shirt?"
"Fuck yeah," I said, "been a fan since middle school."
"And I am Piper, and I am 7 and ¾ years old," said the younger one who was wearing a soccer uniform.
"Great to meet ya!" I said, "by the way I am Snowy Lucifer Celsius Broden and I'm 20. No I am not related to Joakim Broden."
"But are you related to Johannes Eckerstrom?" Asked Piper, "you look exactly like him."
"Well, I might possibly be," I said, "maybe I should take a DNA test."
"Great work!" Finnick said, as he came up to us.
"Well great on you too," I replied.
"That was some holy amazeballs shit right there!" Shouted Duke.
"Tanks," Nick replied.
"Alright," I said, "let's go back to Tundratown."
We drove ack to Tundratown. I immediately pounced into a snowbank and came out fully clean. I don't need to shower when I can just pounce in the snow.
The three of us came back into my house.
"You did it!" Winter shouted as she opened the door, "you beat the aliens!"
"Fuck yeah!" I replied, "hopefully they know not to come back."
"Well," Blizzard said, "with your band, you can write songs about the aliens."
"Guess so," Nick replied.
"Alien metal fucking rips!" Judy shouted.
"Well," Winter said, "do you all want some hot chocolate?"
"Fuck yeah!" we all replied.
"Plus, Snowy," She said, "I got you salt and vinegar chips and Califurnia Rolls."
"OH YEAH!" I shouted, as my tail wagged excitedly.
We sat down on the couch, drinking our amazing Tundratown hot chocolate. I immediately stuffed myty face with the chips and the sushi.
"So," Winter said, "was it hard?"
"Not too much," we replied, "it was actually quite easy."
"Especially with that kick-ass training montage," Judy said.
"Yeah that was so much fun," said Nick.
"Plus," I said, "A family of Otters joined in the battle. One had a hurdy-gurdy that shot exploding darts and the other had a flower that also was a flamethrower."
"Wow!" Blizzard said, "that's some Super Smash Bros shit come to life."
"And," I said, "they had two children who shot the aliens with water guns and made them dissolve. It was so cool."
"And," Judy said, "Finnick and Duke Weaselton joined in as well."
"They had a flaming baseball bat and a ninja star," Nick said.
"Wow nice!" Winter replied.
"But I delivered the final blow," I said, "using my signature pounce-and-slash, I went right between the eyes of the leader with a small but powerful knife."
"Oh I love you so much," said Winter as she hugged me.
"Plus," Judy said, "I think we've gout ourselves a victory present."
"Hell yeah we do," Nick said, "one victory Sabaton concert at the Tundratown Ice Center!"
"FUCK YEAH!" I screamed, "I'm all in."