Chapter Ten
Madam Pomfrey woke to the distinct sensation of someone entering the floo; it was charmed to alert her immediately - in case of emergency. Swiftly entering her office Madam Pomfrey was aghast to find none other than Severus Snape collapsed and bleeding on her rug.
"Severus, whatever happened." He did not answer.
Turning him over gently, Poppy found the source of blood; his left sleeves was in tatters, along with the arm beneath it. Casting the Vulnera Sanetur, Madam Pomfrey watched with bated breath as the wounds slowly knitted back together. She administered it a second time and then a third; until just scars remained.
Putting her head through the floo, she called for Minerva.
"Poppy," She answered, having only just finished her patrol. "Was there another attack?"
"No, Minerva, it's Severus. I need your help getting him to the floo back to his quarters so I can administer blood-replenishing potions. He's unconscious at the moment, and I need to get him into bed before waking him. You know how he is with the hospital wing; he'll high tail it out of here before..." She stopped speaking as Minerva appeared, spinning, in the green flames. She looked, shocked, at Severus lying unconscious on the carpet.
"Very well, let's get him upright. But once he's settled, I think I should go to Albus."
"Of course, I quite agree."
The two witches held Severus under an arm, not altogether surprised at how light the man was, but needing the other for the careful balancing act that was transferring an unconscious patient through floo. Coming to a slightly unsteady stop in Severus' fireplace, Poppy and Minerva caught one another's eyes, both noting the curious scene before them.
Strewn across the carpet in front of the fire were various letters and envelopes, clearly torn through quickly by the state in which they had been cast aside. Several spots were darkening the carpet. As they carried Severus to the bedroom, Minerva noticed blood spattered on the stone floor and a single letter on the other side of the room. It was also sporting bloodstains.
"Rennervate," Poppy cast quietly. Snape stirred on his bed, coming to despite the blood loss. Poppy uncorked several potions. "Take these, Severus. It's a blood-replenishing potion and a pain reliever." She poured them down his throat, meeting surprisingly little protest. His strength was completely depleted. "Go back to sleep now, Severus." He needed rest so the potions could take full effect. Within moments he was asleep again, his breathing laboured. Minerva gestured to the living room, indicating Poppy should follow her.
"What is this?" Minerva asked, uneasy at the sight. "And what happened to him? Why on earth does he need a blood replenisher?" Leaving the bedroom door open so she could monitor him, Poppy indicated Minerva should sit down, occupying the opposite armchair after siphoning off a significant amount of dust.
"I have no idea what all of these are. They look like old lover's letters, but as far as I know, he never received any letters at all. When I came in to fetch him for you, I found him asleep on that couch; he looked quite distressed and" Poppy paused guilty, "his sleeves were up, he'd obviously cut himself, but they didn't look deep." McGonagall gasped.
"That's what that was? He... he slit his wrists?" She sounded incredulous; Poppy just nodded sadly.
"In the afternoon, they were just scratches, but he flooed onto my floor not ten minutes ago before passing out on the carpet. I healed them, but they were very, very deep, and there were quite a few. I'll show you in a moment when he is in a deeper sleep." She paused again, "Minerva, I feel so guilty; I saw an attempt not ten hours ago and did nothing about it. I just told him he couldn't avoid emotions forever."
"I told him the same thing an hour ago," McGonagall responded. "I found him disillusioned in an alcove; I almost sat on him actually cause I... obviously didn't see him. He said he was meditating."
"He was occluding when I saw him." Poppy agreed. "Something triggered him to go and read through all of this stuff that he's obviously kept," She indicated the letters scattered around them. "And then I think he must have let his shields down and just sort of broke down." Minerva nodded, looking highly concerned for her former pupil. "He should take a few days to recover, and then we can ask what exactly is going on."
"I'll ask Albus to cover his classes while he is gone. I think he should take at least a week off." Poppy nodded.
"Do you think these are from lily?"
"I'm not sure," said Minerva, her stomach twisting. "What about this letter made him so angry." She walked over to the blood-stained letter left on the stone floor after Severus' collapse. "Or hopeless," She muttered, scanning it quickly, her eyes moving immediately to the signature at the bottom. There was none.
"I..." she faltered, not really believing what she read. "Poppy, I think this is from a student."
"A student? Surely not, what student is writing to Severus, wouldn't they just speak to him."
"He is not the most approachable character," Minerva offered dryly. "And this student certainly has something to say. He evidently offended her- them, but they've a lot of gall to go after him saying all this." She handed Poppy the letter, watching her frown deepen as she read.
"Interesting they only think he is in a dour mood on Mondays."
"Poppy," Minerva said, suddenly realising. "I think it's Miss Granger. Her handwriting matches."
"What? No, she would never disrespect a teacher like this."
"I'm not entirely sure it is to him,"
"It has his name." Poppy interrupted.
"I know but, something about it isn't right. The way she mentions Lockhart, it doesn't seem like a letter to a teacher she is angry with." Minerva reached to pick up the others, similarly scanning them for signatures. "Here it is!" She exclaimed triumphantly. "Hermione." She ruffled through them. "Some are HG; some aren't signed at all. And only two address him by name." She stopped. "Poppy, we really shouldn't read them; we should ask Hermione what they are doing in Severus' possession."
"No." Minerva looked surprised at the disagreement. "No, we should ask Severus. We don't want to make the poor child uncomfortable if they aren't here voluntarily." Minerva nodded.
"Either way, it can wait a few weeks."
Moving back to the bedchamber, Poppy cast a diagnostic charm on Snape.
"He is beginning to absorb the potions; he'll need another blood replenisher when he wakes up, but that shouldn't be for at least four hours. I gave him a Dreamless Sleep as well."
Poppy carefully removed the torn shreds of fabric from his arm and reinspected the wound. Siphoning off the dried blood, she could see they were now just pink scars, starkly visible against the fading black of his dark mark. Behind her, Poppy could hear Minerva gasp again.
"I can't believe it. It has been so long. What prompted this to happen now?"
"I suppose he takes Miss Granger's criticism rather deeply."
"It's very odd. I hope he doesn't..." Minerva trailed off, not wanting to finish the sentence.
"Don't Minerva. Severus would never do something like that. He wouldn't even allow himself to love an adult woman, let alone a child.
"I know, but there must be some explanation."
"He has a strong sense of honour," Poppy continued. "And shame." She finished sadly.
They stared at him for several long minutes before Poppy broke the silence again.
"If you could notify Albus, I can stay for the rest of the night. You have patrols tomorrow night."
"I'll check in tomorrow." Minerva moved back through the living room, eyeing the pile of letters left on the table before setting off for Dumbledore's office.
Poppy pulled up a chair beside Snape's bed, watching despairingly as the young boy she had healed so often once again regained his life, wondering how long it would take before she could not return him to the world of the living.
Severus woke groggily as glimmers of green-tinged sunlight began to filter into his bedchamber, surprised to find his door open and the smell of breakfast wafting from his small, unstocked kitchen. Finding himself unable to remove himself from bed, Snape slumped back, irritated, and called out to the only person he could not ban from his wards.
"Poppy!"
"I'll be out in a minute Severus," she returned, disgustingly chipper Snape thought.
"I hope you mean out of my quarters," he continued to yell to the open door. "I am not in the mood to be trapped in bed, Pomfrey. Whatever bone you have to pick with my health can be dismissed in the living room."
Madam Pomfrey walked into his room, arms laden with more breakfast than Snape had ever eaten in his life.
"Severus, there is no need to be rude. You are too thin, and at the moment, too weak to go running out of bed like I know you were trying to. We will discuss the events of last night after you have eaten what the house-elves have so graciously delivered this morning." She admonished him, leaving no room for argument. At the mention of last night, it finally dawned on Snape the reason he was confined to his quarters, feeling like there was a distinct lack of blood in his body.
"Poppy," he said quietly, trying to remember what had happened after he furiously read Granger's letters. "Why are you here? What happened?" Fear suddenly washed over him, and Snape tried to jerk himself out of bed again. "HOW DID YOU GET HERE?" Deftly levitating the tray, Poppy placed a gentle hand on his chest, forcing him back against the pillows with remarkable strength.
"After breakfast. Everything is fine." She served him a large English breakfast before helping herself to some as well; the house-elves were always far too generous. Snape ate begrudgingly, but Poppy was pleased to see him clear at least half his plate.
"Now, Severus, perhaps you would like to tell me a little about why you are sitting here recovering from losing at least four pints of blood." Snape looked guilty and then suddenly sheepish, too exhausted to bother occluding from Poppy.
"It was a bet," he managed. "Proof, if you will, that I was... alive." He finished softly.
"I see. And with whom might you have taken this bet?" Snape glowered at her.
"You are infernally nosy, Pomfrey, and so can I assume you have read the letters I assume to be sitting on the floor of my living room that you entered without permission."
"You collapsed on my rug Severus, and I believe we had an agreement that when you collapsed on my rug close to death, I am to bring you here." Snape did not respond. "Why is Hermione Granger writing letters to you?" His eyes widened.
"How many did you read." It was Poppy's turn to look guilty.
"Not many, but enough that we found her signature."
"We?" Snape exclaimed furiously.
"Minerva had to help me get you back here."
"Great, why don't you just announce it at the next staff meeting."
"Severus, Minerva cares very deeply for you. We want to take care of you; you have suffered too greatly and have not received the care you should of."
"I am not a special case, Poppy. The war has damaged everyone."
"You are a special case. I hope I don't need to remind you why. Albus will take your lessons for the next week while you stay here and rest, no marking until at least Tuesday, and you will spend your time in bed recovering. I will check on you regularly, and you should take some time to sleep and enjoy the wonderful library you have collected." She removed the charm from his bed and placed his wand back on the bedside table. "I wouldn't recommend magic for the rest of today." Snape nodded at her. Poppy moved to the cabinet to retrieve the balm she had placed there the night before. "This will reduce scarring," she said, raising the jar to Snape. For the first time, Snape inspected the arm his eyes had been strategically avoiding. Several red lines were haphazardly disfiguring the faded dark mark, and he could see thinner pink ones in perfectly straight lines underneath them. While the mark was still painfully conspicuous, Snape relished at the sight of it defaced.
"Leave it," he said sharply. "These I won't mind having." Poppy nodded and moved towards the door.
"Oh...something else. I put the letters back in the box, and I'm taking them with me. Not forever," she hurriedly reassured him as Snape looked fully prepared to knock her down. "But I don't want you upset further in the next couple of days. So, just for a while, try to forget about them. I promise I won't read."
"Get out." was Snape's only reply as he turned away from the door, sulking uncharacteristically. Poppy made sure he couldn't see the small smile that graced her lips.
The next few days passed in a blur of boredom for Snape; virtually confined to his bedroom, he spent the days reading through his extensive library much as Granger had during her months in the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey visited at breakfast and lunch, making sure he was eating enough and his blood was replenishing itself. Minerva and Albus came in the afternoon, so far avoiding the subject and pretending he was merely an invalid.
"I feel it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge this is the most attention I've ever gotten from either of you when hurt. I do hope peacetimes haven't made you sympathetic, Albus." He sneered at Dumbledore as he stood on Tuesday evening with one foot in the green flames, about to follow Minerva to the Great Hall.
"Severus, I am not sympathetic. I am guilty. I have not protected you as I should have. As a member of staff, you deserve more than I have given you." Snape stared at him, his mouth gaping at the old man's confession. After a minute passing in silence – for Snape no longer had anything to say – Dumbledore turned and apparated back to his office in a swish of extravagant cloth.
Stunned speechless, Snape summoned a quill and parchment, finally committing to the only task he had assigned himself that week. Writing to Granger.
Tuesday 11th May 1993
Dear Miss Granger,
I have yet to ascertain whether I will deliver this to you or if it will remain in my possession until your inevitable early graduation. On Saturday, you were petrified; I sincerely hope you will soon be unpetrified and – having a certain amount of faith in my capabilities – I should be correct. The mandrakes will be ready in about a week and a half, and the potion takes a week to brew, therefore by my very minimal calculations, you should be unpetrified on the 30th of May. I am afraid I have read the letters you unwittingly placed into my possession; I feel I must tell you how much I regret this decision. I despise myself in this instance for violating your privacy so entirely, and I will do my best to ensure it cannot happen again. I apologise most sincerely for my actions, but I will cherish the mark they have left upon me. I have enjoyed our lessons over the past year. Although I did not tell you so, you are a brilliant student, and it has been a pleasure to teach you. Although I doubt you will wish to continue afterwards, I have enjoyed what I have been able to teach you. You are a quick and passionate learner, and this will serve you well in the future. I have little doubt you will open this on the day you graduate, a year early, with Outstanding NEWTs – a record few at Hogwarts have ever achieved. I hope you do not suffer greatly for your experience petrified as I hold myself responsible for that as well. I apologise once again. I should have escorted you and Penelope to the library subsequently the Quiddich pitch; it was neglectful of me not to ensure your safety, and you suffered significantly as a result.
I hope I shall see you in but a few weeks; once again, I must express my earnest apologies.
Most sincerely,
Severus Snape.
The floo sounded as Snape signed his name; quickly sealing the letter, he placed it carefully down the side of his armchair. It would not do for ever-curious Poppy to find that, he thought. So far, she had yet to question him about the nature of the letters and, although Snape was sure it would come this evening, he was grateful. He greeted her stiffly but politely as she walked in, observing his position in the chair.
"How are we this evening Severus?" she asked briskly.
"Fine, thank you, Poppy." Taking his pulse and casting a quick diagnostic, Poppy agreed that he was nearly fully recovered. Setting the dinner on the small table between them, she handed Severus his plate (once again piled with twice the food he usually ate).
"Can I inquire as to why I have been confined for so long, Poppy?" Snape asked, genuinely curious despite his face portraying no emotion.
"I believe Severus, that it simply is your body is not used to the trauma it used to be. You are not a healthy man, as I have told you many times. Your body was not prepared to deal with losing almost half its blood in ten minutes. I have never encountered something like this, where a person who can usually recover in a day at max took half a week to replenish their blood count. Still, there hasn't been a lot of research done into people experiencing the amount of suffering you have."
"I see," Snape replied, considering slowly. "Might I assume that one could slowly build up resistance once again?"
"Severus! You-Know-Who is gone; I sincerely hope I will never again have to see someone in the state I saw you over those two months. Merlin knows what you did before then."
"I healed myself, Poppy. We all did. Those two months were quite safe – in comparison to the rest of it – You Know Who was rather benevolent in his excitement for the Potters' demise." Poppy blanched.
"Regardless. He is gone; we would all do well to focus on the future." They ate in silence after that. Banishing the tray back to the kitchen, Poppy turned her full attention back to Snape.
"I see you are settling in. To what do I owe this pleasure?" He asked acerbically.
"I think we need to discuss what happened. The letters are still sitting in my office, and I would like to return them to you. I would also like you to go to St Mungo's and receive some psychiatric help. Please don't occlude Severus; we need to talk about this."
"What business is it of yours?" Snape snarled at her.
"You almost DIED! Stop pretending as though your life is of no importance. You cannot go on like this."
"I can, and I mean to." Snape paused and took a deep breath, trying to control his anger at the interfering Medi-witch. "Saturday night was... an accident. The result was not my intention, and I had never been that way inclined before that afternoon. I was perplexed and angry at the letter I am sure you have read. It won't happen again." Madam Pomfrey looked at him intently, for once not needing to discern his sincerity.
"Severus, you have been through too much-"
"You know nothing of my life," Snape shouted at her, leaning menacingly towards the couch she was seated on. Poppy paused, having rarely seen Snape this animated about anything.
"You are right. I don't know what you did in You-Know-Who's service; I don't know how you have spent your life in the past decade apart from sealing yourself away in this dungeon. But I do know... I do know Severus; stop being childish... I do know your childhood, and I know your life through school. And I know you lost your only friend, and I know you teach her son with a man you hated every single day. You have received no help, Severus – even Albus admits that -" Snape's eyes flashed dangerously. "Don't deny it. You are damaged, Severus, not just physically. And I am sorry it has taken this for me to see that." Snape sat glaring at her for several silent moments. "I am not going to force you anywhere. But promise me, please, I implore you, start taking care of yourself. Employ less occlumency and maybe seek some healing."
"I cannot," Snape answered, suddenly sounding choked and defeated. "I have information no one can know. Help would do more harm than good. It would take more occlumency than just living." Poppy looked at him, her face etched with sadness.
"Then come to me, Severus. If you need to, anything at all, I will help you. You won't have to tell me anything; I won't look in your mind. Just...if you need someone to talk to."
"Thank you, Poppy." Snape rose from the couch. "I am going to retire." He said, unsubtly motioning for her to step back through the fireplace. Poppy nodded.
"Goodnight, Severus."
"Goodnight, Poppy."
When the flames returned to orange, Snape moved back to his armchair, retrieving the letter he had placed there. Heading into his bedroom and, wandlessly turning the tap of his bath, Snape stared at the sealed letter for several long moments. Snape addressed it carefully with a stray quill- Miss Granger. Sighing heavily, he set the letter against the bottle of Dreamless sleep permanently settled on his bedside table.
"Evening Granger."