Chapter 4

To Richard Castle, walking into the 12th Precinct was, and in a way had always been, like taking a breath of fresh air.

Since the very first case he worked with Detective Kate Beckett, he knew, no matter how deep down, that she was the one for him. He couldn't even describe it, the way she had made him feel: fascinated, inspired, enamored, and, at times, more than a little frustrated. Of course he knew he had annoyed her to no end too, but that never stopped him. He knew even if he no longer had the mayor on his side, he would do everything in his power to remain a part of the 12th.

Solving real-life murders was no longer 'research,' it had become his life.

The Precinct had become his second home.

Seeing a smile on Kate's face had become the highlight of his very existence.

Except today, upon walking into that very same Precinct, Rick did not taste any fresh air; instead, he felt like he was being suffocated and it took all the strength he had just to put one foot in front of the other.

"Hey Castle," came the familiar voice of Detective Kevin Ryan.

Rick looked up. Ryan and Esposito greeted him, offering warm smiles that to him, were halfway between normal and I'm-sorry-your-family-is-hurting-and-your-daughter-lost-her-best-friend-and-almost-died. Promoted to Sergeants just after Lily was born, both Ryan and Esposito had remained detectives at the 12th. Ryan also regularly led the training courses for new detectives, and Esposito only recently turned down a promotion to Captain of the 54th Precinct, wanting to stay in the field and not get caught up in all the bureaucratic nonsense. Still, whenever it came to family matters, Rick knew he could always find Espo around to help. Especially considering this particular 'case' wasn't so much a case as a hunch. A favor.

"Hey guys," he exhaled, offering them a small smile in return.

"Thanks for meeting us here bro," Esposito said. "We just figured this might not be a conversation you wanted to have at home right now."

"How's Lily holding up?" Ryan asked.

"As good as can be expected," Rick said. "Some days are better than others. Kate hasn't really left her side since she got home but that's to be expected…"

"Have you two had the chance to really talk at all?" Ryan asked, leading the other two men into a conference room. "Talk to Lily?"

Rick sighed. "No, not really. Not since the hospital."

"Castle," Esposito said, giving him a look.

"There just hasn't been a good time," Rick replied. "And when it seems like there is a time I look at my daughter's face and I just…she's just a kid. I want to keep her safe; I don't wanna scare her. And every time I try to talk to Kate she interrupts me to go tend to one of the kids."

A collective silence filled the room for a moment; both Ryan and Esposito were giving Rick sympathetic looks, making it even harder for him to breathe.

"So," Rick began. "You were gonna tell me what you found…"

"Yeah…" Ryan began somewhat apprehensively.

"Right now we're at a bit of a dead end," Esposito finished.

"The truck that hit Lily and Maddie was completely totaled, but after a little bit of digging we were able to get the license plate number. It was traced to a Calvin S. Mumson in Washington Heights," Ryan said.

"Only when we went to check it out, the address didn't exist," Esposito continued.

"So we ran the name through the system again, just to be sure, but…same result," Ryan concluded.

"So you're saying the man who hit my daughter and killed her best friend doesn't even exist?" Rick asked, bewildered.

"We're saying we're gonna do some more digging," Ryan replied. "But right now…dead end."

"CSU is gonna sweep through the junkyard where the truck was taken again, try to look for more fingerprints, anything that can give us a lead," Esposito said. "In the meantime, I know Beckett is your wife but if you're worried for your family's safety we're more than willing to set up protection around your building and Alexis's."

The truth was, Rick was worried. He just didn't know what to do. He too was at a dead end.

"Think about it," Esposito said when Rick didn't respond. "But do talk to Beckett. Lily's mother or not, she's still the best Captain this precinct has ever seen. She might be able to help."

Rick's brow furrowed. He knew his friends were right; as difficult as it was going to be talking to Kate, he had to do it. Yet the only time he had ever had second thoughts about delving into a case with his wife was when it had to do with her mother, her family; now, Lily was both of their family, so where did that leave them?

"You're right," Rick said.

The three men stood up, and Esposito gave Rick a friendly pat on the back.

"Hang in there, bro," Esposito said.

"Thanks," Rick nodded, as they all exited the small room. "And, I'll be sure to tell Kate what you found."

He cut himself off before he could finish the rest of the sentence: …because if I don't, I'm afraid things will get a lot worse before they get better.

Lily hadn't expected sleeping at home to be this difficult. As soon as she had left the hospital she thought she would be able to just fall into her own bed and forget the world; forget that her best friend was dead, that she felt she was partially to blame, and that there was nothing she could do about either of those things.

She had thought that being at home would make her feel safer, surrounded by her parents and brothers, but instead a part of her felt like she was the one bringing danger to her family. This terrible thing had happened to her and Maddie, so, however irrational, she thought there had to be some kind of negative karmic force following her around…right?

The hours passed by; nothing was happening but everything was happening at the same time. Every so often Lily would sit at her bedroom window and watch the people of New York down on the street. From up here they looked like ants. But each and every one of them were moving forward, going through the motions—going to work, coming home from work, having dinner with their families—as if the world hadn't lost an extraordinary girl, and one of the most important people in Lily's life.

She knew she was being irrational; of course complete strangers would move on with their lives as if nothing had happened, because nothing did happen…to them. But the thought of moving on with her life, of acting completely 'normal' and 'okay' made Lily feel sick to her stomach. There was no way anything could be completely normal ever again.

Maddie was supposed to be there for everything, just as Lily was for her.

They were supposed to go to the same college and be freshman roommates.

They were supposed to be in each other's weddings, and marry identical twins so that their kids could be half-siblings. Lily remembered rolling her eyes at that last suggestion, but now, and as odd as it was, she wished Maddie could be around to bring it up again.

So many things they were supposed to do together and now they never would, and Lily had no idea how to move past that.

The night easily became her least favorite time. Like a faithful blanket, Pumpkin the cat would curl up at her feet; yet she would lie awake, paralyzed by the sound of sirens and cars driving by on the streets below. It was nights like those where Lily wanted more than anything to crawl into bed with her mom and dad and like a small child, and believe without a doubt that they could make all the evils of the world disappear. But now she was old enough to understand that that wasn't how life worked.

She couldn't rely on other people to fix things for her; the most she could do was figure out how to fix herself.

Then there were nights like this one, where her mind would reach a point of such extreme exhaustion that there was nothing else for her to do but fall into a fitful slumber. A slumber that would only last two hours at the most before headlights haunted her subconscious, forcing her awake, drenched in sweat and screaming for Maddie – the one person who could never hear her.

Her father's soft but strong hands shook her out of it.

"Lily. Lily, honey, look at me, you're okay," Rick said, hands placed carefully on his daughter's shoulders.

For the first time he had made it up here before his wife, as he had been sitting awake thinking about the accident, and how he was going to bring it up to his wife. Ever since his visit to the Precinct today his mind had been spinning.

Lily took deep breaths, her father's voice sounding so close and yet so far away. She held onto it as tightly as she could.

Rick placed a hand on her cheek as she opened her eyes; after a moment of adjustment her deep blues met his. He was awake and alert.

"Dad…" she half-whispered, half-cried.

Rick pulled her in close. "It's okay. I'm here, I'm here."

Lily clung to him, still trying to catch her breath. Her whole body trembled as Rick held her, waiting for her to calm down.

"I'm so tired, Daddy," she said, resting her head on his shoulder and squeezing her eyes shut. Rick knew she wasn't just talking about the inability to sleep; she was emotionally exhausted.

"I know," Rick said, wishing more than anything that he could take his daughter's pain away.

"I keep seeing those headlights, and her face…why did this have to happen?" Lily cried.

Pulling back from their embrace, she wiped the tears from her cheeks. Rick felt his chest tighten, once again seeing how much his younger daughter looked like Kate, seeing the same fear in her eyes that he did when he saw Kate up against a gun for the first time after being shot.

He had wanted more than anything at that moment to pull Kate into his arms and never let her go, to keep her safe forever. But he couldn't. At the time they were nothing more than work partners, technically speaking, 'colleagues;' a writer and his muse. He couldn't give into his feelings.

But now he could. He knew how much his daughter was like her mother—stubborn, never wanting to ask for help with anything—but at least there was nothing keeping him from holding her in his arms, trying to ease her pain.

That, and of course trying to figure out who hit her (and killed her best friend) in the first place.

"I wish I knew why bad things happen, Bug," Rick said, tilting Lily's chin up so she'd see him. Another tear escaped down her cheek. "But I do know that it's gonna get better. I'm gonna do everything in my power to make it better."

He wanted to kick himself for not thinking of something better to say; he was a writer for god's sake. But he couldn't tell her he was trying to figure out if and why someone hit her and Maddie on purpose; he wanted to with all of his might, but Lily was his little girl. It had been easy, while sitting with Ryan and Esposito this afternoon, to think that he might be able to say something to her, but now, face-to-face with this girl who in his mind he'd always see as six years old and giggling at the breakfast table with her little brothers, every fatherly instinct in him told him to keep her as sheltered as possible, just as they had after Alexis had been kidnapped.

Lily just nodded, feeling her father's stress radiating throughout the room. He'd deny it until the day he died, but she knew how stressed he was. And she hated herself for it. Exhaling, she leaned back into his embrace, resting her head against his chest as the two of them just sat there, rocking back and forth and trying to keep the darkness from swallowing them whole.

What neither Rick nor Lily knew was that when Lily had woken up, so had the rest of the household.

Of course Kate had sprung out of bed and raced up the stairs toward her daughter's bedroom, only to find out that her husband was already there. She hadn't even noticed Rick hadn't been in bed with her to begin with.

Kate stood, listening to Rick comfort their daughter, her eyes welling up. Lately crying had become a natural side effect of thinking about her middle child, because she knew exactly the kind of pain she was experiencing, and it was the kind of pain she would wish upon no one. To Lily, this was a freak accident; Maddie had been drinking and someone drove up and hit them. But both Kate and her husband knew—or at least had a very strong hunch—that this was no accident, and just thinking about Lily finding that out filled her body with cold dread. Kate didn't even want to accept it herself. She remembered the moment she found out the person she had loved more than anything else had intentionally been targeted and killed; it had been, to date, the absolute worst moment of her life.

If there was one thing Kate knew after becoming a mother, it was that it was possible to love someone so much it hurt, and standing here in the middle of the hallway lit only by a soft night-light, that hurt spread through her very core.

"Mom?" A small voice came from behind her.

Kate spun around. Standing behind her was not only her sons, but her mother-in-law and stepdaughter as well. Alexis had been spending more time at the loft than usual ever since the accident. All four of them looked at her with concern.

"Is Lily okay?" Jake asked.

Kate looked down at him, her hazel eyes meeting his, before running a hand over his mousy hair. "She's fine, honey," she said. "Just a bad dream."

"But they've been happening a lot," Reece said, standing beside his brother. "Is she dreaming about the accident?"

Kate took a deep breath. "Yeah, baby, she is," she sighed.

The twins' brows furrowed in concern. They looked almost identical to Rick, and Kate's heart weighed heavy.

"Come here," she said, opening her arms to her sons. The boys hugged her back tightly, their blonde heads reaching just below her chest. Kate ran a hand up and down their backs. "Your sister is gonna be just fine, okay?" she whispered.

"You promise?" Jake choked.

"I do," Kate whispered against his head. Her mind was racing, and she wished she could force herself to talk to Rick, ask him if he had found anything else. She hadn't been taking on any new cases at the precinct over the past week, deciding staying by her daughter's side was more important than spending twenty-four/seven in the office chasing something that might not even be there and that she wasn't sure she even wanted to face.

After a moment she looked up, locking eyes with Martha in the dimly lit hallway, silently asking if she could take the boys back to bed. Martha nodded.

"Come on, darlings, why don't we go downstairs and I'll put on a pot of tea," Martha said, placing both hands on their shoulders.

"Okay," Reece nodded against his mother. Kate kissed the top of his head before letting go of their embrace, watching Martha place a hand on the twins' backs and lead them toward the stairs. Kate glanced toward Lily's bedroom door; Rick still hadn't come out. She imagined he would sit in there until their daughter fell back asleep, which could take a while. Sighing, she ran a hand through her tousled hair and strode back down the stairs toward her bedroom.

Alexis just stood there, watching, unsure whether to follow her stepmother or go back to her own room. She thought back to the last time she had seen Kate this stressed out and in this much pain; it had been when she had been kidnapped, and again when her father had disappeared just before their wedding. But Alexis hadn't been living at home during either of those times; she was in her freshman dorm at Columbia, and then at her own apartment. She didn't see firsthand just how long it took her parents to move past what had happened, or endure worried glances every time she got up to leave a room, like her little sister was.

She exhaled, deciding to follow Kate, despite knowing that she would most likely get an 'I'm fine' and then be told to go back to bed.

Walking past the kitchen toward her parents' bedroom door, Alexis noticed the light from the desk lamp coming from her father's office; he had been awake long before Lily's nightmare.

Shaking off the thought of her father sitting awake stressing over the accident, Alexis pushed open the bedroom door slowly.

"Kate?" she said quietly. Kate was sitting up on her side of the bed, leaning against the headboard with her head turned away from the door.

"Yeah," Kate said, wiping her eyes.

Alexis took that as a cue to come in. She sat down at the foot of the bed cautiously, but to her surprise Kate didn't push her away; instead, she held out her arms and invited her forward, as if she were a little girl seeking comfort from a mother. Which, Alexis thought, in a way was true. Despite being 14 when they met, Kate Beckett was the closest thing she had ever had to a real mother. Attentive. Caring. Loving.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Alexis asked quietly, leaning back against the pillows.

Kate just sat there in silence, gingerly placing a hand on her stepdaughter's arm. Alexis had always been one of the smartest people Kate knew, and (however inadvertently) had helped her and Rick solve cases on more than one occasion. Right now she wanted nothing more than to give in and let out every raw emotion built up inside. Before she had met Rick, such a thing would have been impossible for her to do, but such was another wall he had succeeded in tearing down; the wall that blocked what seemed to be every single emotion Kate felt.

Except now, she had to keep that wall up. As smart and strong as she was, and even though she was well into adulthood, Kate still thought of her as Rick's child—one of her children—and as such, it was Kate's job to comfort Alexis, to be the one to tell her that everything was going to be okay, even if it wasn't. It wasn't Alexis' job to take care of Kate.

"I'll be fine, honey," Kate said hoarsely.

Letting out a sigh, Alexis placed a hand over Kate's. She knew her stepmother was holding back, and she understood why, she just wished she wouldn't.

"I know…I know we're kind of switching roles here but, you've been there for me—and for Dad—so much over the years, I just, I want you to know that I'm here, for anything you need," Alexis reassured her.

Kate took this moment to wrap an arm around the girl's shoulders, giving her a squeeze and swallowing the lump in her throat. "I love you, you know that don't you?"

Alexis nodded against Kate's chest. "I know; I love you too."

"I'm just scared," Kate whispered.

"Scared of what?" Alexis asked. "It might take some time, but Lily's gonna be okay."

"No, I'm not just talking about the accident," Kate shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Then…what?"

Kate took a deep breath, considering carefully her next few words.

"I'm scared that…the people who came after me are still out there. All those people involved in my mother's murder. I've always been at least a little scared of that. But…it's nights like tonight, after the accident, where I think…what if they're not finished?"