Chapter Five: A Frat Party in a Blender

"Thank you, Katsu, for making me infinitely richer today," Sasuke told me later that night at what I've been informed was one of Kenshin's 'any excuse to have a drinking party, drinking party.' He had to lean in closer and still shout to be heard. The noise from the vassals and soldiers bumped against the walls and ceiling of the room, bouncing back to surround everyone – it was like someone had thrown a frat party in a blender and pressed "puree."

"I take it you bet on me this time?" I sipped from the cup of the plain water that hopefully no one noticed I was drinking. Joining in the actual drinking part of the festivities was not possible, as I had discovered the hard way that drinking made my insomnia worse, and too much of it brought on memories that were … well, let's just say that there's nothing like an alcohol fueled bout of PTSD to liven a party.

"It seemed a logical conclusion that if you hadn't spent much time practicing with a sword, you must have been working hard at something else," Sasuke said. "That along with previous exposure to your archery skills led me to calculate the most probable scenario had you hitting at least sixty percent of the targets even while blindfolded." He took out his coin purse, hefted it, and grinned at the weight.

Hm. Yes, he'd reached correct answer – I'd hit six of the targets. However, it wasn't true that I didn't practice my sword skills. I practiced a lot. Some things aren't meant to be. "You couldn't have predicted how well I'd handle the directions of a last minute no warning, no practice, demonstration in front of a crowd of people."

Or the distraction of an attractive man holding a blindfold – a fact that obviously couldn't be mentioned in front this audience. Or any audience. In fact, shouldn't still be thinking about that at all. I'd managed to shut off my brain and rely on the years of practice branded into my muscles to hit those targets. I clearly needed to keep that on/off button handy now.

Yuki, who had been ceaselessly celebrating the win for the no-dessert team, turned to me with a serious expression on his face. "When I was fourteen, my horse threw me. I was all set to stomp home and sulk for a week. Then Shingen tossed me back up on the horse and made me race him."

The picture of a teenage version of Yuki having a tantrum jumped into my head. Yuki had very likely yelled a lot of choice phrases at his horse. "And your point is?"

"The next time you're in a battle situation, what you're going to remember is this afternoon's demonstration, and not the face of the man you shot the other night."

"He goaded me on purpose. That sneaky-" I was all set to continue along those lines when I sensed a disturbance in the force… "and yet extremely perceptive and clever idea, and I will be forever be grateful," I finished, then ducked out of the way before Shingen, who had walked up behind me, could thwap me on the back of the head.

"I did," Shingen said, then thwapped me anyway. "And again, I find myself in agreement with your former master – you're too impulsive." He drew another man closer to us, then managed to herd all of us to a window, where the ambient noise levelled off to a dull roar. "Katsu, my cousin believes he knows you."

I took a good look at the beautifully dressed man and thought back. "Yoshimoto?" We'd only physically met once, but we'd sent the odd letter back and forth, a correspondence that began after he thought (mistakenly) he had seen my brother in Nigata, and I sent him a tiny watercolor as a thank you.

He and Shingen were cousins? Both were stunningly attractive, but there wasn't any obvious resemblance between Yoshimoto's fine boned features and Shingen's 'do you need a body double for Thor' physique. Still…that was quite the blue-chip gene pool their family was swimming in.

"I'm happy to know that I'm memorable." Yoshimoto smiled at me. "Thank you again for the painting, it's lovely. Have you located your brother yet?"

"No." I had shared the story of my search with Sasuke a couple years ago when our respective errands had made travelling together for a few hours convenient, but since Shingen and Yuki were looking curious, I explained the situation to them. "A couple months ago, I had word that he was possibly in Sakai," which, come to think of it, was where I had witnessed Shingen get into a fight in a brothel, but if he hadn't noticed me then, I wasn't going to bring it up now. "Unfortunately, it turned out to be someone else."

I pulled out the portrait of Toshiie that I carried everywhere. "It's getting ragged, but this is basically what my brother looked like about seven years ago."

Yoshimoto studied the portrait again. "I could draw a copy of this for you." There was a self-mocking quality to his smile. "I may not be able to create art, but I could recreate it."

"Really? That would be wonderful!" I'd considered asking Mai to do something similar, but Yoshimoto struck me as being someone with more time on his hands. Possibly because he cultivated that attitude of languor. "Thank you."

Yet, even with the promise of a cleaner portrait, it was still difficult of me to hand it over to Yoshimoto. This was my only remaining link to Toshiie.

He must have sensed my reluctance. "I'll take good care of it."

"What have you been doing to try to find him?" Shingen asked.

"The only information I have is that Toshiie ended up on a ship of some kind. Whenever I'm in a town near a port or one that's big enough to have dealings with imported goods, I show the drawing around. That's how I met Yoshimoto in-"

"Osaka," Yoshimoto jumped in. "I was searching for antique vases, and Katsu and I encountered one another at a merchant's stall."

Hm. It had been Azuchi not Osaka, but if Yoshimoto didn't want anyone to know he'd been there, they wouldn't learn it from me. "Right. Unfortunately, no one had any useful information for me that day. I don't know if Yoshimoto had any better luck in his art quest."

"I always find pretty trinkets that catch my attention," Yoshimoto said. He lifted his arm to display the dye pattern on his kimono and ran his finger along the embroidered willow trees.

"Speaking of pretty trinkets," Shingen said, as he locked eyes the pink kimono-wearing seamstress from this morning's flirtation festival. "I'm off to admire one myself."

There he went. How he could be such a kind and insightful and intelligent employer, and yet still be such a player? I guess that's not really a contradiction – it was just Shingen. He was who he was. Not that it was any of my business what he did when he was off the clock, so to speak.

The drinking party only increased in loudness (from "puree" to "liquify"). A spontaneous duel broke out between Kenshin and a vassal who looked too often at Mai, so Sasuke rushed to perform interference, while the natural ebb and flow of the revelers separated me from Yoshimoto and Yuki. I considered trying to find them again, but what I wanted at that moment was peace and quiet.

Plus, I had a weird feeling that someone was staring at me, and not in an did-you-see-what-he-did-on-the-archery-field-way – more in a creepy-horror-movie-I'm-going-to-make-a-suit-out-of-your-skin way. I made a brief attempt to circle the room to try to pinpoint where that was coming from, but could never take more than a couple of steps before being waylaid by someone wanting to Monday morning quarterback my archery demonstration. Then, before I could stop it, I was surrounded by a circle of giggling maids, who wanted to talk to me and praise me (and love me, and hug me, and pet me and call me George) and –

Help!

I looked frantically around the room. Kenshin was back guarding Mai, with Sasuke right there pouring him another cup of sake. Yoshimoto and Yukimura weren't anywhere in sight. And, Shingen had sandwiched pink kimono between himself and the wall and was smiling down into her eyes.

Not that Shingen would be useful here at all. He'd probably slap me on the back and tell me to have fun.

It was up to me to escape from this perilous situation on my own.

I took a step backward.

The maids stepped with me.

And another step.

They followed.

We were the world's slowest flash mob.

And another st- "Hey watch it!"

I'd backed right into Yukimura.

Feeling absolutely no guilt at all, I grabbed Yuki's arm and swung him into my spot. "Hi, do you ladies know Yukimura? Talk to Yukimura!"

And then I did what I do best. Ran.

The goal was my own room, but gave that up after I passed the same rock garden three times… and… was it the same rock garden? Or were all Kasugayama's gardens made of rocks and sand? At last, I ended up in the familiar confines of the training room. Ok. That'll do. It was a big, quiet, empty room, and I took a moment reveling in the peace and the still, calm air.

I took a few deep breaths, then stood on my hands, closing my eyes, letting the blood that was rushing to my head help center me.

"Yuki will never forgive you for that."

I opened my eyes to see Mai standing in the doorway. She looked highly amused by the whole situation.

"Better him than me."

"Yuki's terrible with women." She sat down, then tilted her head so that she could address me better.

"Oh. Well. Um. I don't have anything against women, but I didn't want to lead anyone on." Hopefully that excuse wouldn't come across as rude. "My life is way too complicated right now to add a relationship to it."

"Because you're a woman." She tapped her nose.

I fell over.

"The seamstress knows all. Your proportions gave you away." Mai laughed as I struggled into a sitting position on the floor. "Why the disguise? And what's your real name?"

"Katsuko. It's safer for a courier to be a boy. On the road, I mean. At my previous place, everyone knew the truth, and I was myself," (well, myself minus a 500-year deception), "while I was there. But here – I don't yet know who to trust."

My first day in this era had been a harrowing illustration of what could happen to an unprotected female.

"You can trust most people here – at worst Shingen would likely try to charm you into bed for a night or two if you're lucky." She winked and fanned herself with both hands. "But I promise I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to." She smiled then. "I understand the safety issue. I've been knifed and attacked. Oh, and also kidnapped, but that one was just Kenshin."

He … what? That was pretty messed up, no matter how you thought about it.

She rubbed her fingers over her lips, and I couldn't tell if this was a happy memory or not. "We worked it out. And I didn't spend that much time in the dungeon." I must have looked shocked because she laughed again. "I'm not explaining myself very well."

"No. Why did-"

"Katsuhira!" Yuki stalked into the room, looking extremely annoyed. With his hair standing on end like that, he looked like a disgruntled hedgehog. "Don't ever do that again. I spent an eternity-."

"Translation - the amount of time it takes to sneeze," Mai said.

"Listening to cackling and cawing and meowing –"

"Yuki thinks that all women are animals," Mai interrupted again.

"Whatever, boar woman."

"My point exactly."

"Were you two siblings in another life?" I tried to detour their argument and received identical expressions of horror for my efforts.

"Anyway. Katsu. Don't ever fling me into a crowd of them ever again." Yuki flopped down on the floor and gave me what he probably thought was the glare of death, but really was only a gaze of grim.

"Sorry." (#notsorry). "How did you get away?"

"I grabbed Sasuke and flung him in there."

"Oh dear." Mai got to her feet. "I'd better go enact a rescue."

"Hey! Why are you rescuing Sasuke when you wouldn't rescue me?" Yuki called after her.

Her voice floated back to us from the hallway. "Who says it's Sasuke that I'm rescuing?"

Yuki continued to look put out. "And after I gave you tea this afternoon and everything."

Ok, yeah, Yuki had been helpful all day – aside from trying to prevent the pastry delivery. "I'm sorry. You're right. You've been a good friend." I flipped back into the handstand Mai had interrupted earlier. "I wouldn't have done that if I had known you hate women."

"I don't hate women." Yuki said, as he lay on his back and stared at the ceiling. "I hate talking to women. Besides, you ran away first."

So I did. "I don't like large crowds of people." Which was true, if not the reason I had run.

"I've been banished." Sasuke had crept into the room on little ninja feet. "Do you guys think that celestial navigation is an inappropriate topic of conversation?"

"No idea what you just said, so, yeah," Yuki replied.

By some mysterious bro telepathy, the two of the began sparring, a spur of the moment hand to hand bout that had me feeling a little left out, until Sasuke said, "Then Katsu against the winner."

I was glad to be included as part of the team (one of the boys, even!), although as the games went on, a hard landing on my hip had me questioning my life's choices, as did a disgusted exclamation from the doorway, where Shingen stood, arm in arm with a woman (not the pink kimono wearing seamstress – this one was a woman I hadn't seen before, not that I was keeping track. Just being observant).

"Boys!" He shook his head, in mock dismay. Hm, no, actually, he was fully dismayed. "I have failed you. Tomorrow, we'll begin to remedy that."

Well. That's not ominous at all.

Life here was not going to be boring, I thought later that night when I was alone in my room. Hm. I glanced dubiously at the ceiling. Well. Probably alone. I knelt at my writing desk, as I had figured out how to pass along Aki's information to Shingen. Easy enough to write a letter and tell him I had found it waiting at the castle gate. I got out a brush and paper, and jotted down the information, dotting the paper with a little extra ink to suggest that the writer was in a hurry.

There. Taken care of. It was a simple plan, but that only meant no moving parts or complicated lies to remember.

Now I could sleep without that task hanging over me.

Except, once I had finally blown out the lantern and curled up in the darkness, I could not turn off my brain as easily.

I killed a man.

Aside from the meta worry about the future – what if this man's death meant that someone crucial to the future was never born? What was that called? The butterfly effect? As unnerving as that possibility was, it wasn't why I was mentally cycling.

Two days ago, I wasn't a killer, and today I was. Did that make me an evil person? I'd never been religious – hadn't been raised with any beliefs. If I had been, would there now be a way to find comfort and resolution over what I did? Forgiveness? But forgiveness from who or what? There was no way to know.

Perhaps it had been necessary. If I hadn't shot the sniper out of the tree, he likely would have killed Shingen, or Sasuke, or Yukimura, and that would have been a worse outcome because these were people I knew and liked. But maybe the sniper had had people who knew and liked him as well? Family?

I wasn't going to resolve my feelings of guilt tonight. Or maybe ever. Possibly that was what Shingen had meant about keeping these things locked away in a different part of the mind in order to deal with the immediate issues of daily life.

Well, there were plenty of those issues. My thoughts shifted to the attempt itself. What would have happened if he had succeeded? Who had been the target? Shingen's death would rob the Takeda of a charismatic leader, but it wouldn't change the status quo of the conflict with Nobunaga and the battle over unification – it might even make future battles less likely. Putting the blame on Nobunaga suggested that the desired outcome was a renewal of hostilities, or maybe even full out war. Shingen and Yukimura were close – it was no stretch to imagine that Yuki's death would propel Shingen back onto the battlefield. And the same went for Kenshin if something happened to Sasuke.

Who had hired the sniper and the bandits? And where was he or she now? I flipped to my side and looked out the window, though it was far too dark to see anything. Cloudy nights here, such as this one, were like black velvet blankets, that smothered any hint of light. Was the person who hired the sniper out there in that darkness? Or had they already made an escape to the other side of the country?

With limited information, I wasn't going to come to any conclusions tonight. I needed sleep. Of course, telling myself that I needed to fall asleep was not the most effective way to fall asleep. And telling myself not to think about the fact that I wasn't sleeping only ensured that was exactly what I was thinking about.

I needed to distract my brain and… then my stupid hormones presented me with a distraction fantasy involving that blindfold, this time without any witnesses in the area…

After those fingers skim across the face gently tugging the knot in the blindfold, they'll tangle in your hair, freeing it from that tight braid. "Can you see anything?" he'll murmur. When you say no, he'll step closer to you, the action not a surprise, because although you cannot see his face to anticipate his actions, you perceive the intention, as all your other senses heighten. You hear the thrum of his heartbeat and the whisper of his breath, smell the faint scent of sweet pastry in the air, and feel his body hard against you and those large calloused hands wrapping around your waist, as you anxiously wait for the taste of –

Ok. That's not helping me fall asleep either.

I seriously considering hitting myself in the face with the pillow a few times. That line of thinking was too dangerous.

Alright, let's just logic this thing out.

So what? Objectively, the Occupational Hazard was attractive. It was just like going to a museum and admiring a sculpture. I could admire a sculpture without stealing it. I mean, objectively, Aki was an attractive man too when he wasn't wearing his elderly beggar disguise, and I could admire that without wanting to… although I actually never had admired that, had I?

Then again, with Aki, there seemed to be a distance he put up between us. An invisible wall. There was affection sure, and enjoyment of each other's company, but it seemed like him I was his student to be molded. Meanwhile, Shingen recognized my personhood. There was something appealing about being regarded as a human being with thoughts and feelings.

So that was probably the reason the Occupational Hazard was in my brain. That, or his intelligent grey eyes, the wicked smile that hinted at intimate secrets or… the cute wrinkles he had at the corners of his eyes that saved him from being too perfect looking.

Oh, for the love of… brain… just… stop.

And… I still wasn't asleep.

Really, it was amazing that I ever got anything accomplished at all with this Greek chorus clamoring in my head.