Chapter Thirty – Unavoidable Regrets

"Halt!"

I caught the flash of gleaming metal as Himetsuru Ichimonji sliced through the air, stopping right in front of my throat.

No, it wasn't Groundhog's Day… but the déjà vu was real. It was neither the first time someone ordered me to halt in the corridors of Kasugayama, nor the first time Kenshin held a sword to my throat. "Has the healer given permission for you to leave your quarters?" Kenshin stood ready to decapitate me if I took another step outside my room.

"I feel fine. It was just a cold!" I didn't mention that the healer had wanted me to rest another day. Said healer had taken his cue from Kenshin, who was a wee bit overcautious when it came to the health of the denizens of Kasugayama. He probably thought Kenshin would kill him if he let me out too soon. Which… given his willingness to swing Himetsuru Ichimonji through the corridors of the castle... it wasn't that farfetched of a possibility.

"Illness is not something to take lightly." Kenshin poked the sword at me, forcing me to take a step backward.

Well, yes, if he was talking about Shingen, then I agreed. But I had only had a case of the sniffles and a bit of a sore throat. And a fever, but only for a couple days.

I tried to edge around him.

Poke. Poke. Poke.

Again, I was forced to inch backward. "I rested. I've been resting for almost a week. The cold got bored and left."

He scowled at me. "You sound like a rusty tree frog."

Blame your ninja for that. Every day Sasuke dropped in on me (literally) to quiz me on my memories of history - he was still trying to figure out if we had come from the same future. My lack of voice owed more to overuse than illness.

"Lord Kenshin, please, I no longer feel sick. If I don't get any exercise soon, I'll go stir crazy." All I wanted was to take a brisk stroll in the garden. And perhaps practice archery. And wave at Shingen from the door of his room, to see for my own eyes how he was doing.

With his typical lightning speed, Kenshin performed a series of katas. "If it is exercise you want, I will spar with you. Should you win, you will be permitted to leave your quarters."

"Lord Kenshin, even if I were the healthiest person in the country, I wouldn't be able to best you in combat." I suppose that might count as exercise. A very short exercise.

"Then you won't be leaving your quarters, will you?" With the sword, he pointed at my futon. "Go. The maids will bring more soup. You will be expected to finish it."

I had been fed so much spicy soup of the past few days; I was going to float away. Under Kenshin's fierce, battle hungry God of War exterior (way way under it), was the soul of a Jewish grandmother. With an internal sigh, I bowed to him. "Thank you." I turned to go back into my room, then paused and looked back at him. "He's still doing better today, right?"

Shingen's visitors were severely restricted to two people per day – specifically 'two people-who-were-not-also-sick' per day. More specifically, restricted to Kenshin plus one person who-was-not-also-sick.

He gave me a surprisingly gentle smile. "Yes. The healer says that so far his current illness did not lodge in his lungs, and as long as he rests, he should continue to improve."

"It's true." Mai suddenly appeared at Kenshin's side. "I just saw him." She pulled a folded paper out of her kimono. "He dictated a letter to you." She fanned herself with it. "Very hot. I blushed a lot while I was writing it down."

"What? He dared? I'll kill him." Kenshin whirled and took off.

"Whoops. Damage control. Later!" Mai hurried after him… with my letter still in her hand.

With a growl of frustration, I stomped back into my room and plopped down on my futon. I'd only had a cold! If I had still been living at Aki's, I likely would have gone about my days as normal (with one hundred percent more wiping my nose on my sleeves), because Fume had no patience with 'malingering.'

My worry over Shingen was intensified by this inactivity. I'd never been good at sitting still and being left alone with my thoughts meant for some very long, anxious days. Though Kenshin had said Shingen was improving, I wanted to see for myself. More importantly, I wanted to learn from his own lips what 'always sick' meant, and whether he would tell me that this illness would eventually take his life.

Luckily for my state of mind, Yukimura stopped by, with his ban-sugoroku set tucked under his arm. He and I were in the middle of a long running tournament, which I was currently winning (and had an ever-growing pile of dried beans to prove it). Winning at ban-sugoroku usually relied more on the luck of the dice, but Yuki played board games with more enthusiasm than strategy - as I discovered when I first tried to teach him how to play shogi. He lacked the patience to play shogi and I lacked the patience to teach him. So, ban-sugoroku it was.

We had just gotten the game board set up when Sasuke joined us as well, popping down through his favorite ceiling tile. "Salutations."

"Salu-what?" Yukimura sighed. "Can't you just say hello like a normal person?"

"Sasuke, if I ever manage to crawl up into the ceiling, will I find the words 'some pig' written in the dust up there?" I rolled… double sixes. Ha!

Yuki groaned. "Again? How do you keep doing that?" He eyed the dice suspiciously.

"They're your dice. Maybe they like me better." I moved my counters around the board, then tried not to gloat when he rolled a one and a two.

Sasuke seated himself on my futon and pulled out another list of questions. I felt like groaning myself. While I understood that he needed to know if the Togakushi wormhole led to the same future as his own, constantly quizzing me was not the way to do it. "Sasuke, all we've established is that I should have paid attention to my history classes." Or, maybe… actually attended class… but, details.

He rattled the paper. "This one is easier. Current events, not history… er, current as of the year you left modern Japan."

"I can probably recite the plots and dialogue of all the Avengers movies, but don't ask me who is the President of England … Yuki, not that I want to help my opponent, but why did you leave that marker unprotected, when you could have moved the one from that column?" Playing against Yuki was like taking beans from a baby. "It's terrible strategy."

"England doesn't have a president," Sasuke pointed out at the same time that Yuki sighed and said, "You sound like Shingen."

"Oh." In that moment, anything else Sasuke said faded into the background, as I caught the look of desolation on Yuki's face, prompting me to ask, "Kenshin told me he was improving – was that a lie?"

"No… I saw him yesterday, and he's gotten better. But whenever he gets sick like this, it reminds me that someday he won't get better. And that someday is getting closer." He swallowed a couple of times and looked away from me.

If I had been the sort of person who comforted others… or even the sort of person who accepted comfort, I might have touched his hand, or even hugged him. But I wasn't. Instead, I rolled the dice and ruthlessly attacked Yuki's unprotected marker. Then I turned to Sasuke and turned my own need for comfort into an impulse to tease him. "Oh, I do remember who the President of the United States was…" and then had the pleasure of seeing his jaw drop when I said, "George Takei."

Two days later, after a week of confinement, I was finally sprung. I had fully recovered, aside from the fact that my voice was still hoarse. Since no one who had visited me had gotten sick, I would finally be allowed to visit Shingen later that day. Mai had let me know that he was out of immediate danger, although he had trouble staying awake for more than a couple hours at a time.

Before the visit, I headed out to the town to check the message drops and pick up the confections I had promised him. It was a relief to fall back into the familiar rhythm of my 'Katsu' life, along with the familiar weight of the basket of treats. I could almost pretend that nothing had changed. Almost.

When I stepped outside of the teahouse into the bright afternoon sunlight, I saw something… or rather someone… else familiar. Another déjà vu. Potentially, it signaled another change.

He was sitting on a bench outside the teahouse, as usual, disguised as an old man, his face mostly hidden by a long grey wig, and of course, huddled over a shogi board, deep into a game with another man. But I would have known him anywhere. He looked up at me, frowned, then said something to his opponent, who got up, bowed, and left.

Aki was back.

I went over to confront my sort-of-former employer. "Where have you been?"

"One of the others got caught up in an impossible mess." He didn't elaborate, but 'impossible mess' usually meant Takauji, who could barely be trusted to carry a report across town, let alone the entire country. I wondered how he'd screwed up this time.

Aki looked me up and down. I was wearing one of Mai's creations, a design that was both athletic and feminine without making me feel like a refugee from a 1970s comic book. It was also a deep red color that would not be suitable at all for Katsuhira's missions across the country but was perfectly acceptable for roaming around Kasugayama. "What are you wearing?"

"Next time you throw me out, give me time to pack." Since his companion had left the game unfinished, I took his place opposite Aki and made a move on the Shogi board. "Iekane was here and thanks to him, they found out I'm female, so it doesn't matter any longer what I wear." I caught him up with most of what had been going on (obviously not the private stuff).

"Iekane's been busy," he said, half to himself. He made a move on the board that proved to me his mind was not on the game at all. "Lately, every time I've tried to untangle a knot, I've discovered him at the center of it." He shook himself out of whatever private thoughts were going on in that brain of his. "In any case, you seem to have taken care of what I needed you to do here."

Which was… what? All I had really done was blow things up, although I suppose if I hadn't been here to distract him, Iekane might have gotten both Mai and Sasuke killed, and reignited the war with Oda – although I was still unsure if the latter was completely off the table. But I knew Aki well enough to not bother asking for clarification.

Aki continued. "Since, as you said, I didn't let you pack, it won't take you long to gather your things. I'll meet you at the edge of town at sunset."

What? Now?

Choking off my instant denial – I knew that would be a useless tactic – I scrambled to find a reason for him to allow me to stay. "What if Iekane comes back here?" It wasn't the greatest excuse, but it was the first one that came to mind after the initial, 'oh hell no' that leapt into my brain.

He slapped a piece on the board with unnecessary force. "Now they know who he is, you think Uesugi and Takeda can't squash him like a bug? Iekane has better self-preservation skills than that. He's likely on the other side of the country by now."

"With Yoshiaki, do you think?" It would be good to get another opinion on Iekane's relationship with the shogun, although I knew better than to tell Aki I intended to go after him myself. My plans to insert myself into Yoshiaki's circle had been delayed during the flood and my sick week, but surely Yoshimoto would take me there once we were ready… and once I could be sure that Shingen had recovered.

"It's possible. Though Yoshiaki may have outgrown his usefulness to Iekane." Aki gestured to the board, and I realized I hadn't made a move yet. I hurried to make the obvious block to an impending attack by his rook.

"Do you plan to hunt down Iekane?" That wouldn't be Aki's style, but I would feel better about leaving if we were going after Iekane. "He said he's tried to kill me several times, but something about the way he talked made me think you're his primary target."

"Exactly so. There's no need to chase him to the ends of-" Aki looked down at the game in progress, shook his head, sighed, and swept the pieces back into their case. "There's no need to go after him, because when he believes he's ready, Iekane will come for me. But don't worry, I will protect you when that happens."

"Ha, 'old man,' I've been learning skills all summer. Perhaps I'll protect you." I grinned at him.

"The day I need you to protect me, I might as well retire from this world and live out my days as a monk." It was said as a joke… although he probably also meant that. "You forget that the hair and beard are a disguise." He planted his walking stick on the ground and got to his feet. "Sunset."

Right. Sunset.

"Sunset." I was unable to keep the sadness from my voice. Aside from Toshiie, Aki was the closest thing I had to family in this era… but the thought of leaving the people of Kasugayama, of leaving one particular person, hurt as badly now as I had been hurt two months ago when Aki 'abandoned' me to them.

Always alert to body language and tone, Aki picked up on my reluctance. He turned and looked down at me. "What?"

"It going to be difficult to say goodbye to everyone." Though his expression said 'impatience' rather than 'understanding,' I added, "I don't want to leave… yet."

"It's Takeda, isn't it?" He stared me down, then let out an annoyed huff of air and leaned on the stick. "I suppose he's had you already?"

What the hell, Aki?

"Aki! I'm not talking about this with you. But no. He hasn't." I haven't felt this awkward since I accidentally walked in on Toshiie and his hook-up du jour. "Not that it would be any of your business if we had."

"You would be dead if I hadn't brought you-" he paused and took a breath. "Home with me. That gives me some right to an opinion."

"That was a judgment, not an opinion." As soon as those words were out of my mouth, I wanted to take them back. Though I guarded my privacy, I didn't want that to be the reason he abandoned me again. Before he could turn and walk away, I added, "I'm grateful that you saved me… and taught me. I don't want to lose you," (even though he was currently acting like an ass). "I don't want to lose these people either. They have become as important to me as you are."

He sighed, a full body shudder that looked at odds with his old man disguise. "You may not believe me, but I have your best interests at heart. I want to spare you some grief."

"It's probably too late for that," I said, glancing down at the basket of pastry. The proprietor at the teahouse had tied a ribbon around the basket – I guessed that word had spread that Shingen was ill.

"Ah." He glanced toward the castle. "I take it reports of someone's precarious health may not be an exaggeration."

There was no way I was going to confirm that, especially not to an information broker like Aki. "I don't know what you could possibly mean."

"Walk with me." It was an order. I stood up, and Aki took my arm, leaning heavily on it as if he were the old man he appeared to be. "Even if the reports are untrue, you do realize that he's not known for having much of an attention span when it comes to women." He rubbed his chin. "Fume warned me this was going to happen."

"Fume?" Warned you about what?" Likely nothing good. I was aware of what she thought of me. But aside from her joint aches being able to predict when rain was coming, the woman was not prescient.

His fingers tightened on my elbow. "She said it was useless to train you to do anything because you were obviously destined to become a concubine."

I shook off his arm. "Goodbye, Aki." I didn't need to be slut shamed, especially since it wasn't true. (And even if it had been true, there would have been no shame in that). "Thank you for making my decision easy."

But I'd only taken a few steps away from him when he dropped the old man act and hurried after me. "Wait. I'm sorry. You're reminding me of a time… of a life that I've tried to forget."

Curiosity had me halting in my tracks. Aki rarely talked about his past. Actually, he'd never talked about it. "How so?"

He looked me over again, from head to foot, but this time, appeared to be seeing a different person in front of him. I wonder who it was he saw?

"Years ago, I had to make a choice between an emotional attachment, and duty." He bowed his head and shrunk into himself, almost as if his memories had prematurely aged him, as if he suddenly became as old as his disguise.

"Was it a difficult decision?" For as long as I had known Aki, he had always been on the side of logic. To learn that he too had had to wrestle with emotions was a welcome surprise.

"No. And Yes. I made the only decision that could have been made – I chose duty. It was the correct decision." There was no hesitation in his voice, no judgment of his past self.

"Oh." His story lacked details, and the conclusion was disappointing. "You believe I should choose duty as well?"

"I did not say that. It was the correct decision… but it was also a mistake that cost me my family." He reached out and pushed my hair out of my eyes. "I would be doing my past self a disservice if I pushed you into duty before you understand the price. Take some time to think – you may come back whenever you are ready." He stepped away from me, and that fleeting affection was replaced by his typical detachment.

"Thanks." It was only one word, but it would have to cover a multitude of meanings.

"Don't make me regret it," he replied, and underneath that was a meaningful look that implied he thought I would be the one with regrets. I couldn't disagree, but I didn't see a future path that wasn't as littered with them as Aki's past appeared to be.