Chapter Thirty-Four – Past, Present…

"Even though you were aware someone had been following you, you didn't return directly to the castle?" I hadn't gotten very far in my story (although I had skipped over the issue of the tea Chiyome had given me – that was worthy of a separate discussion) when Shingen interrupted me. The question had been posed in mild tones, but the look he gave me was half-concern and half-exasperation.

"Number one," I lifted up one finger, "there was no reason not to conclude that he was following Sute instead of me." I put up a second finger. "Number two, Sute is one of your highly competent spies – more competent than me. She took off after him, and I thought she could keep him busy for a while. Number three," I put up another finger. "It was the middle of the day in the castle town. Even Mai wanders around unprotected there."

He took my hand. "If your first supposition is true, then so is the converse – that there was no reason to conclude he wasn't following you." He kissed a finger and gently pushed it down. "Secondly, Sute is competent, as are you, however what she gains in fighting skills, she loses in attention span." Another kiss to the next finger, as he pushed it back down. "As to your third point, Mai is never unprotected. Kenshin always sends at least three personal guards with her, and I have one of my own following as well. She… has never realized they were there." He kissed the last finger and pushed that down too. He kissed the back of my hand. "Finally, who is Susumu?"

I resisted the urge to press my hand to my heart and never wash it again. "Susumu owns the restaurant closest to the Inn at the edge of town. Where most of the travelers stop. He's my best source. I have several, but he is well positioned to alert me about outside agents."

A page arrived with the promised salve, some rags, and a pot of warm water. I reached for the ointment, but Shingen got there first. "I can at least do this for you, o' fierce one." He dipped the cloth in the water and removed the make-up Yoshimoto had applied. I shut my eyes as the feeling of that soothing contact slid through me. "Thus far, I haven't heard an explanation for how you acquired this."

I opened my eyes again to find his staring into mine, daring me not to lie to him. "Two of Yoshiaki's men met with an Imagawa vassal, who passed them a message." I reached in my kimono and gave him the stolen letter.

He did me the honor of treating the letter with importance. He set aside the cloth and read through it. "Helpful to have the names. We'll keep watch to see if they make any additional overtures." With a light touch, he ran his finger over my swollen eye. "And this?"

"I'm getting to that." While he softly rubbed the salve into my face, treating my injury with far more gentleness than a doctor would have, I explained the gig with the teapot, the reappearance of the ninja (which yes, I realized proved Shingen's point about the identity of his quarry), the chase, and how I'd ended up crossing paths again with Yoshiaki's men. When I got to the part about the swords, he put down the first aid supplies and pulled me onto his lap.

"What am I going to do with you?" He rested his forehead in the crook of my neck.

"Honestly, I wasn't in that much danger. I knew I could get away from them – in fact, I was about to make my escape when the ninja came back – wait!" I put my finger on his lips, because I sensed another interjection from the peanut gallery was imminent. "He helped me. It turns out he was only following me because-" I pulled out the other letter and gave it to him. "He had a message for you. I understand that it's personal."

Shingen glanced at the outside of the letter, but there was no obvious sign that it had come from Kennyo, and he didn't ask me for further details. He made no attempt to open it. "Is that the entire story?" There was definitely a 'don't even think of lying to me' expression on his face. Geez. Lie to someone ten or eleven times and suddenly you're on their 'list.'

"Um. Yeah. Pretty much. I took an elbow to the face in the melee." I held up my arms and pushed back my sleeves. "No other injuries. You can give me a thorough examination if you wish."

"A very thorough physical examination will occur later, when I have my strength back." I could hear the regret in his voice, and if I hadn't already known he was sick, his postponing of said examination would have confirmed that. "While I am thankful for the acquisition of this letter, we might have been able to get it another way – a way that wouldn't have resulted in this injury."

Right. Because I'm not necessary. I felt a fist clench in my stomach and a hot wave of disappointment.

Always one to pick up on nonverbal cues, Shingen noticed my sudden tension at his statement. "What is it?"

"I…I… wanted to be useful. The way that Katsu was useful." That didn't exactly manage to convey how ineffective I had felt around Chiyome, but this feeling was older than that anyway. "Needed."

"My letter to you ought to have made clear exactly how much I need you." He tightened his hold on me.

Letter? It took a moment, then I recalled that Mai never had passed along the message he'd dictated when we were both sick. So much had happened in the past couple days, that I had forgotten about it. "I think Mai still has it? She was about to hand it to me but there was an issue with Kenshin."

"There's always an issue with Kenshin." It came out as a grumble. "Go flag down a page and ask him to get the letter from her."

I did as directed – adding in an apology for causing extra work – then returned to the shelter of his arms. He traced the outline of the bruise on my cheekbone. "Can you understand how terrible I feel that you got this trying to bring me information?"

"I succeeded in bringing you the information." Couldn't let him forget that part of it. And it wasn't simply information for him. I needed it for myself as well. "Would we still be having this discussion if I was Katsu?"

"We did have this conversation – and you promised you would consult me before taking risks… yes, if it were possible to consult me … I'm aware that gave you far too much freedom." Before I could protest that (although, he was correct, I had given him a promise that would generally allow me to do what I pleased if he wasn't around), he added. "You're important to me. It bothers me that I am not currently able to accompany you when you take off on these wild tangents – whether successfully or not."

Wild tangents? "Do you accompany your spies – many of whom are female – on their missions?" I already knew the answer to that question, but I wanted to know why they could be sent into danger, and I couldn't.

"I sense a trap here." I rolled my eyes, and he laughed, before continuing in a more serious tone. "My spies have grown up in rather, precarious circumstances. Some of them were orphans, some were prostitutes – and their survival skills have been honed from birth. Chiyome trains them for years before they are ever sent out on missions."

"So, uh, what exactly is the training to become one of your spies?" If he thought I needed more instruction, I'd be happy to do it. I wondered if he'd ever consider-

"No." There wasn't even a hesitation in his response.

Well, it would be stupid to pout about it, but… "I know I'd need to improve my fighting skills, but right now, I'm feeling a little, useless."

"I'm not doubting your abilities, and it's not even that I can't stand the thought of you being in danger." He hugged me tighter. "Although I do hate that thought. You get into enough trouble on your own without me sending you into it. But training you as a full time spy would be a waste of your talents."

"Which are…?" And if he says my best talent is lying on my back, I'm out of here, no matter how I feel about him.

"When I send someone out to get information, I'm expecting a specific, focused report. I don't want opinions. I want facts. I put that report with other reports, then I look at all the information together, for patterns. Not only is it assembling puzzles, but it's in knowing the best strategy for doing so." He glanced at his writing desk, where that puzzle still served as a paper weight. "I interpret, predict, plan. Your brain works that way too. I'm impressed that though you've been here a short while, you've already put together a small network of sources."

The word 'impressed' warmed me as thoroughly as his touch as done earlier. Maybe he was correct - I did enjoy the challenge of putting disparate bits of information together, then planning out how respond.

He continued. "You could be trained as a spy, but you're already good at understanding what the information means, and that's a rarer skill – in fact, I had been considering taking on 'Katsu' as an apprentice of sorts before… everything else happened."

Some of my skill was likely due to Aki's training, but he'd never articulated things that way to me, and hearing that I could potentially be that kind of help to Shingen made me feel like I had found a place. I turned and put my arms around his neck. "Thank you for telling me that."

He leaned in closer to kiss me and –

"Ooops! Sorry!" Mai giggled from the doorway. She waved the missing letter at us. "I kept meaning to bring this to you, and life interrupted. And look! I brought friends!" She gestured down to her feet, where three bunnies were clustered. "Kenshin sent them to help cheer you up."

"Bunnies! They're so cu- euf." Shingen had poked me in the side. "I mean, my letter! I can't wait to read it." Mai brought the letter over, and the bunnies hopped along in her wake. Well, of course his letter was important. It just didn't have fur and big floppy ears and a cute little nose. I took the letter, and at the same time, managed a surreptitious scritch behind the ears of the bravest, closest rabbit.

"Thank you, Mai." Shingen managed a formalish bow from where he was sitting. "You may go now."

"That's it?" Mai picked up one of the bunnies and helped it wave its paw at us. "Can't we stay and-"

"Princess, you are and always have been a goddess. But right now, my Devil and I are having a discussion. Which I am hopeful will be followed by some quiet moments that will not require a third party. Or an audience." He softened his statement by reaching out and scratching the bunny's nose.

"Fine. I know when I'm not wanted." She tossed her head, then stage whispered to me, "Tell me everything later." Then she flounced out. Behind her, the bunnies quickly hopped after her, with so much the same rhythm and posture that Shingen and I looked at each other and laughed. Something that had been tight and painful inside me unwound a bit at that moment of shared amusement.

Shingen tapped the letter. "Read it."

"With you watching me?" Weirdly, even after all we'd been through so far, that felt too intimate.

"If it bothers you, I have a letter of my own to read." He picked up Kennyo's letter and turned it over and over in his hands.

I pushed the writing desk closer and lit the lantern against the twilight gloom. Then, once again, I curled into his side and opened the letter. For a little while there was only the sound of the rattle of paper. Every so often, Shingen swallowed a cough and cleared his throat – a sound that had become so familiar in its repetition that it was almost part of the background. If only I didn't now know what that sound meant.

I focused on the letter…

Devil –

They've told me you are ill, and I dearly hope they are not underplaying the severity of your illness to allay my spirits. The only thing that would allay them would be if you were here at my side. It is my biggest regret that my own sickness has prevented me from continuing where we left off in the cave. I want to lose myself in you, look into your eyes as the two of us become joined in the most intimate manner there is. This desire for you is not new – between a certain insubordinate messenger and an impish wood sprite, you've been inflaming my dreams since almost the day we met. As soon as you are allowed to leave your own bed, I hope you will come to mine. I will rest easier once I have you in my arms again. – Takeda Shingen

I glanced at him – he was still looking at Kennyo's letter. Eventually, he slowly folded it up and placed it under the burr puzzle. He didn't share what was in it, but he didn't need to. Ranmaru had mentioned that Shingen and Kennyo were old friends, and I imagined the contents were intensely personal. He looked at me. "Do you feel more reassured now?"

I did … and I didn't. The letter had made clear how much he wanted me, but I wasn't convinced that he needed me. But it was simpler to go with the half-truth and nod.

"Good. Now let me show you what you missed by not waking me up last night." He swept my bangs out of my eyes, then buried his hands in my hair. Slowly he lowered his face to mine, brushing my lips with tiny, soft kisses, as light as a butterfly wing, until my lips parted naturally, and he allowed our mouths to connect. Even though he'd kissed me before, there was a wonderment and a reverence to his exploration, that made it feel like a first kiss. I wrapped my arms around his waist as we naturally tumbled back onto the futon – we had been so focused on each other, we became oblivious to the laws of gravity.

With Shingen still so close to the peak of his most recent illness, there wasn't any likelihood that we'd be taking things much beyond a kiss. But kissing for the sake of kissing, and not as a prelude to greater physical intimacy, at least the way Shingen kissed me, is an art. It felt like we were carving out a space for there to be an "us." That those bands that had kept snapping us back into each other's orbits were undergoing a metamorphosis, cocooning us, while underneath there was something with tentative, fluttery wings on the verge of becoming.

Eventually, we broke apart, and I could hear little but the sound of our breath and the drum of my heartbeat in my ear. I put my hand on his chest and felt an echo of that cadence.

"Stay," he finally said, as he put his hand on top of mine.

I wanted to, but logic interceded. "I'm a terrible sleeper," I admitted. "I flip over a dozen times, steal the blankets, and sometimes still have nightmares. I'd disturb you."

"You've been disturbing me since the first day we met, and you dove out a tree to put yourself between me a bandit." He propped himself up on his elbow and looked at me with a hint of laughter in his expression. "I've gotten used to wondering what's going to happen next."

"Second," I absently corrected. At his confused look, I clarified. "The second time we met. Although actually, the first time we just saw each other, we didn't introduce ourselves."

When he continued to look blank, I added, "You got into a fight with a bunch of sailors in a brothel in Sakai."

He appeared to zapruder that day in his head, and then his expression cleared. "I vaguely remember bumping up against someone, that, now that I think about it, was about your height."

I nodded. "That was me. I sort of got stuck between you and a drunk sailor."

"What were you doing in there in the first place?"

"As usual, looking for my brother. I'd gotten word that he might be in Sakai but it was a false lead." I sighed, rolled onto my back, and stared at the ceiling. "I hate the thought that he's on a ship somewhere. He's not a fan of boats. Or oceans."

My view of the ceiling was suddenly blocked by Shingen. "But you were shipwrecked here? Or..?" he flicked my forehead. "Another lie?"

Well, Sasuke had been pushing me to tell Shingen about this – I supposed it was… about time.