"Oh, hey Kiddo," Roberta him when she opened the door and found Kensi and Deeks on the other side. Belatedly, Deeks realized that he probably should have given her a heads up that they were headed over. Based on the past, an unexpected visit was likely to invite a panic induced rant. "Nice to see you too Kensi. Arkady mentioned you might be dropping by."
She left the door open, but didn't invite them in, waiting for them to follow her. Deeks glanced at Kensi, who just gave him a "I told you so" look. Ignoring her, he followed Roberta into the living room.
"Mom, how long have you been seeing Arkady Kolcheck?" he asked, approaching the topic more gently than he had with Arkady.
"I don't know, a few months, a year." She shrugged. "Whenever he first started coming to the bar."
"You've been dating him for over a year?"
"I wouldn't say dating exactly," Roberta answered casually and for a brief moment he felt a hint of relief. Maybe Arkady had been blowing the whole thing out of proportion. "The first few months it was more casual and then of course we were locked down. So then we started the zoom thing and that was better than nothing, but you know me, Marty. I'm a sensual woman. I need touch, I need affection."
Kensi made a squeaking sound from behind him as Deeks suppressed a shudder.
"Ok, I don't need to think about Arkady and sensuality," he groaned, involuntarily remembering the sight of him in a bath towel.
"Hey, I got lonely. A few months ago when things opened back up, Arkady asked if I wanted to come over to see his art collection."
"I thought for sure he was making that part up," Kensi commented, shaking her head.
"Anyway, we had a few drinks and one thing led to another. Now I see him a couple times a week."
"I cannot believe you're dating Arkady Kolcheck and never bothered to tell me," Deeks said.
"So what if I am?" Roberta asked, propping her hands on her hips. When Deeks was a kid that would have spelled immediate grounding. "Just cause I'm old doesn't mean I don't have needs. And Arkady is a very kind and funny person. Plus, once you get a few drinks in him, he's a great dancer."
Deeks inhaled quickly, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Mom, he's a known criminal. The only reason we haven't arrested him yet is because he's a reliable informant."
"He does have some shady connections," Kensi added, but Roberta dismissed their concerns with a wave of her hand.
"Oh, he explained all of that to me. He's put his old ways behind him and is dedicated to living a respectable, honest life," Roberta said.
"Oh my god, mama, he's lying to you!"
"You think your mother doesn't know when a man's telling her a story?"
"I think you have horrendous taste in men," Deeks answered, earning a gasp from Roberta. Stepping between them, Kensi placed a calming hand on his chest.
"Maybe we should just take a second to defuse before you guys get too upset," she suggested, giving Deeks a pointed look.
"Who's upset? I'm perfectly fine," Roberta insisted, pausing a beat and then adding, "And so is Arkady Kolcheck. Dancing isn't the only he's good at if you get my drift. That man can move."
"Mama!" Deeks gasped, even though it wasn't the most outrageous thing she'd ever said.
"The dance with no pants if you will."
"Oh my god, you're out of control."
"Not as out of control as we were last week," Roberta said, winking suggestively. "It's a good thing his house is built very well."
"Again, so much more than I needed to know," Kensi sighed as Deeks stared at her in disbelief and complete horror.
This was definitely so much worse than Guy. He'd never be able to look at Arkady, or probably Callen for that matter, the same again.
"Alright, so you guys are…seeing each other. Just tell me how serious it is," Deeks said, slowly breathing between his teeth.
"I don't know. Last week we were talking about going on a trip to Vegas, but I'd say it's still pretty casual. We're not exclusive."
"Mama, you can't-" She cut him off with a raised finger as her phone rang.
"Oh, that'll be Ary now. We got a yoga date," she explained, patting Deeks on the shoulder and simultaneously ushering him out of the house while he made inarticulate noises.
"Mom, this conversation isn't over!" he shouted at the closed door. "Mama?" When she didn't answer, he turned to Kensi who was once again trying not to laugh. "Kens, they're doing yoga together. Arkady doesn't exercise. Oh my god, what if it's code for something else?"
"Well, based on the last few minutes, your mom doesn't feel the need for codes when it comes to that kind of stuff," Kensi pointed out. "It would be pretty hilarious to see Arkady trying yoga. I guess your mom can be pretty persuasive."
"Ew, don't say that." He grimaced, shaking his head quickly to dispel yet another horrible thought. "One thing's for sure, we can't let them go to Vegas together."
"Yeah, that would be a disaster."
"So we're agreed," Deeks said, walking back to the truck with a determined air. "We need to plan a way to break them up."
"Right, and how do we do that?" He heard the sarcasm in Kensi's voice, but chose to ignore it.
"I don't know yet. But desperate times call for desperate measures. I wonder if we can get him arrested," he muttered to himself.