There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
— T.S. Eliot, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
IV.
About three years ago…
The twin sister she almost never heard from had sent her a text. She happened to be in town for a week and wanted to meet but they had to be alone. It seemed ridiculously mysterious but Sol was sufficiently curious and keen to see her sister to make the effort. What was Dan up to now? More trouble? Even Sol had to admit that the Kang sisters were drawn to trouble like moths to a flame.
An appointment was duly made for an outing to an out of the way cafe cum patisserie cum diner on the outskirts of the city. A place ironically and perhaps appropriately called Moments in Time. It was practically in the middle of nowhere and Sol had to get there by taxi. Before she got there, Sol was grumbling in an internal monologue about the unnecessary expense. For whatever reason Kang Dan was eager to be discreet so Sol talked herself into accepting of the price of seeing her sister on these rare occasions.
"We could have met closer to home. A good chance for you to drop in later to see Mum and Byeol."
"I don't want them to know I'm here."
"Really? Again?"
"I have things to take care of first and then I will go and see them."
"What is it? So secretive. Tell me what's going on." Sol hesitated. She was curious but not curious enough to be demanding. "No thanks. Don't tell me, I don't want to know. I have enough on my plate as it is."
"I'll tell you all soon enough." Dan looked at her sister and with an apologetic shift in intonation she said, "I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to the wedding. Work stuff and it was planned a year ago."
Sol felt a pang or two of disappointment but she was half expecting it. Dan was unpredictable as always and Sol had given the invitation knowing it was possible that her sister might not make it. The thought of Dan as her bridesmaid even on paper seemed ridiculous. Nonetheless it was her big day and it wouldn't be the same without Dan.
"Too bad you can't come. I was thinking of all the tricks I could play on Han Joon-hwi at the wedding if you came."
Dan did an unexpected thing and grabbed Sol's hand affectionately. "He seems like a good man."
Sol nodded. "And smart too. Very smart. The worst part is that he knows it. It's insufferable."
"I've heard good things about him from Mum and Byeol."
"Oh them. His biggest fan club. Yeah, I'm sure they want to marry him too."
Sol heard Dan chuckle for the first time in years. It struck her in a renewed way that she really didn't have a normal relationship with her birth sister. Despite working in the same profession, their lives seldom intersected. They seemed to be like ships passing through the night.
This was why Sol was taken aback that Dan would volunteer such a personal piece of news without prompting.
"I met someone too."
"You did?"
"My clone has a boyfriend?"
"Why, you don't think anyone could like me?"
"Well…" Sol's eyes were wide open. "How can I put this delicately?"
Dan protested. "Hey, I'll have you know that I'm quite popular with men."
"But you scare them off once they get to know you."
"I'm not that bad."
Probably not. People can change. Maybe pigs can fly too.
"If this guy likes my sister, he must be something special."
"He is." Kang Dan seemed almost shy saying it.
"Wow, you are really serious about him."
"I am."
"Do I hear wedding bells for you too?"
"Not yet. Not until we finish this project together anyway."
"He's a lawyer too?"
"No… he's in… er… law enforcement."
"A cop."
"Something like it. He was stationed in the US. That's where we met."
"Are you going to introduce us anytime soon?" Sol looked at her sister coyly.
"Soon. But not yet." Shy Dan was a beast of a different stripe and it was freaking Sol out. Who was seriously contemplating if her sister has had brain surgery recently.
"Why so mysterious. Is this guy real?"
"He is real. Very real. But it's not the right time."
"Okay, okay. You have your reasons. I won't give you a hard time for not saying more."
I wonder what this is about.
"I wanted you to be the first to know. You will be the first to know. I also wanted to tell you myself in person that I'm sorry that I wouldn't be able to make it to the wedding. But I'm really happy for you Sol. I really am."
"Thanks Sis. I'm happy for me too."
The two of them stared at each other for two seconds and burst into a round of raucous laughter.
"It's good to see you Dan. And I hope that your new man works out. After all that you've been through, I want you to be happy."
"Thanks Sol. I want me to be happy too."
Ten minutes after Sol left the building, an attractive man with sunglasses in his early thirties strolled out of the men's toilet. He promptly took his glasses off and tucked them in his jacket pocket.
"So that's Sol." He was looking thoughtful.
"Yeah."
"I can see why you say you're both identical twins but I can easily tell you both apart."
"I should hope so."
"Your personalities are completely different."
"Everyone says so."
"My sources tell me that she's engaged to the prosecutor that was in charge of Pyramid's indictment."
"Doing a background check on my sister? Why?"
"It could be useful."
"Useful for what?" Are you checking up on her or on me?"
"Neither. I was just curious, babe."
"I don't want her to know anything about what we're doing. She has her own life. She's getting married. for goodness sake."
Kang Dan stiffened and shot her male companion a stern look warning of horrors ahead if he should transgress and break his word.
"Don't worry sweetheart. I just like to know what I'm dealing with. You know me. i like to be prepared."
Dan relaxed her shoulders and the frown across her forehead softened. "Hope that's all it is." She managed a small smile.
"That's better." He returned the smile. "You need to trust me. You know I don't like dealing with amateurs anyway."
"Nick, I'm doing this to protect my family as much as anything else. The thought I could be putting any of them in harm's way by doing this…"
"Erica. Babe. It's okay. I get it. I'll make sure nobody you care about gets hurt."
Present
A quarter past nine at night and their work was not done. The primary task force of eight were assembling after a day of data collection and synthesising information.
The temporary canvassing/interviewing staff, seconded from various branches and stations had finally finished for the day. Over seventy interviews/interrogations were conducted in 2 days. Time was of the essence and a re-investigation was always onerous — going over old ground but taking a different perspective — cooperation was not always forthcoming. As the temporary interviewing staff filed out of the room ready for food and bed , members of the task force looked on enviously. It was way past anyone's dinner time but for the task force they had another night of overtime to look forward to.
The friendly neighbourhood delivery guy became the most popular person in the room when he entered the room bearing an assortment of food parcels. The men and one woman who gratefully received them tore through the plastic wrap and devoured the food parcels with unholy relish and speed. Most hadn't eaten all day. Most slurped through noodles, sauces and soups resigning themselves to the fact that this could be their last meal for another 24 hours.
After feeling amply satiated, a more senior detective from the RIU, Detective Yeo, stood up to give the briefing.
"Apart from the two that we didn't manage to identify, we managed to put together a rough history of each of the victims prior to their murders. Every single one of them became homeless due to some kind of upheaval or traumatic event in their lives."
All eyes were on the projector slide detailing the victim profiles. A pattern seemed to be emerging.
Lee Eun-jang — Female, lost a baby due to a rare heart condition
Kim Soo-kyung — Female, fiance ran off with entire savings
Baek Sung-hyun — Male, lost his job and wife left him
Kwon Hyung-joon — Male, scammed out of his entire savings
Lee Hae-kyun — Male, was convicted of manslaughter charge for drunken killing
Seo Ho-chul — Male, lost his family in a boating incident, suffered PTSD
Kang Min-jae — Male, lost his middle management job after company restructuring and turned to alcohol
Park Eun-hye — Female, domestic violence victim and lost custody of her daughter
Kim Hyun-min — Male, PTSD from battle experience
Oh So-hyun — Male ,formerly a teacher accused falsely of molesting a student
Lee Do-hyun — Male, PTSD from battle experience
Kim Yeon-hwa — Female, lost entire family in a car accident
"Isn't it usually the case that people become homeless because of some major distressing event anyway?" A younger detective in the group observed.
This time Han Joon-hwi spoke.
"It's multi-factorial but that is often the case. About 12% of homelessness has to do with a lack of affordable housing even for individuals who are gainfully employed. But we originally assumed that all our victims were homeless because they were missing for a period of time prior to their deaths and their bodies turned up on the streets dressed in a certain way. "
"So why do you think that this is a self-selecting group that sets it apart from the rest?"
"In all the interviews, relatives and friends stated that the victims often said that they wanted to forget the painful event that crippled them…. Not everyone who has suffered trauma wants to forget. Some even have repressed and/or fragmented memories."
"So what are you saying? That these people got together? That they were suicides made to look like homicides?"
"Don't be ridiculous." Team Leader Kim who had been taciturn up to this point spoke up.
Joon-hwi looked faintly amused.
"I think Detective Oh has temporarily forgotten about the craniotomy that's performed on each of the victims. That's why Lee Min-seok became the first viable suspect because he was doing a residency in neurosurgery when his medical career came to an abrupt end."
"Oh yeah."
"Stop clowning around." Team Leader Kim chided his subordinate who nodded sheepishly fell back into meek silence.
Detective Kim however, had a more pressing thought to get off his chest.
"Prosecutor Han, are you thinking what I'm thinking? That the brain surgery is some kind of treatment perhaps? That these individuals had brain surgery of some sort to… forget."
"We can't rule it out."
"And then something went wrong?"
"It's possible that's what happened. But we'll need to talk to an expert."
"Is it even possible though? Sounds like a lot of hokey science fiction to me."
"In 1953, Henry Molaison from the United States had his hippocampus surgically removed to treat his epilepsy. After the surgery, however, he could only form episodic memories that last only a few minutes at a time. He was unable to permanently store new information because he was missing a hippocampus."
"Isn't it like that film… what is it called again… Memento. Yup, that's it. The main character wrote notes to himself because he doesn't have long-term memory."
"Something like that. The character in that movie had ante-retrograde amnesia though."
"But why would anyone want to purposely do something like this even if for argument's sake, they could?"
"If the memories are too painful, too unbearable to live with perhaps it's a way out."
"But to not be able to remember anything at all? Is it worth it… just to remove some painful memories?"
"It depends on the trade-off. It might be for some. If those specific memories are tormenting you it means that you can't live your life fully."
"Well, we don't know for certain that that's the goal. Did Lee Do-hyun's autopsy report say anything about whether there was any sign that the hippocampus was removed."
"Nothing. Maybe the doc wasn't looking for it."
"This is too weird, Chief."
"But you have to admit that it makes some sense."
"It doesn't make much sense to me."
"It makes more sense than Lee Min-seok being the homeless killer, Detective Oh."
"We need to do another autopsy on Lee Do-hyun immediately. It's the only body we have at the moment."
"Let's hope it stays that way."
Three years ago…
The blue sky, the emerald green sea and the dull coloured sand beckoned. Sol was not one to reject such an invitation especially considering the rarity of such events in the frenzy of work, lurching from one case to another. With his talent for being unerringly resourceful Joon-hwi found a quiet spot on a busy beach where there weren't too many people around. A family or two on either side of them wading around the waves. The getaway was his idea. After the wrap-up of the Pyramid indictment, things got madly busy. Kang and Park's reputation soared when it was declared all over media that Sol, a human rights lawyer was instrumental in bringing Pyramid Pharmaceuticals to its knees.
"Me? A human rights lawyer. Bah." Sol stretched herself on the sand to bask in the light of the afternoon sun.
"Thought you'd be pleased." Joon-hwi sat down next to her with a can of beer in his hand.
"Too much pressure that I don't need. Besides, you're the one who did all the hard work."
"I don't mind sharing a bit glory with my fiancee. After all I will soon have to share everything with her."
"Things must be bad if I'm being referred to in the third person." On cue, Sol bounced up to sitting position.
"That's why we're here. So that things don't get worse."
"You're unusually agreeable. I was only joking. And why do you sound so grudging about the 'sharing everything' part?"
"I wasn't. I just… Sometimes… I think work gets in the way of us."
"Sometimes? Only sometimes?"
"You know what I mean… it's getting harder."
"You can always quit the prosecution's office and join our firm. Kang, Park and Han. I can see it now. " Sol formed a placard with the right hand gestures. "Or Han, Kang and Park. Whatever you like. It's always negotiable."
"Sometimes I'm tempted to quit but I when I think about my uncle, I just can't."
"I wish you would though… quit that is… I live in constant fear at the prospect of us meeting on opposite sides of the bench. I'm sure that I'd crumble into dust the moment you get up to make your opening argument."
"I'll bet you can't wait to humiliate me publicly for all the times I bested you."
"Han Joon-hwi, what are you saying? I am a professional. I do not resort to personal vendettas in court. I make persuasive legal arguments to represent the interests of my client and I win."
"Yeah, right I'm sure you can't wait to rip me to pieces when I get home every time you lose to me."
"Yes, Han Joon-hwi, I Kang Sol am a petty woman and I hold grudges. I have big thick ledger where I will keep a record of all the times you've upset me. All the times you will forget my birthday, our anniversary, our engagement, the day we met, the birth of our children. The times when you will forget to take out the garbage, stand me up. Etc etc. Our married life will be one long nightmare of constant bickering and conflict. We will live in abject misery. You Prosecutor Han are so dead."
Joon-hwi broke into a grin. A feeling of warmth replaced the cold emptiness that had followed him all the way from Seoul.
"I have no doubt such a ledger exists and you will make me pay for every single mistake I make."
Inwardly Sol was relieved to see the moodiness dissipate. Whatever it was that was wearing him down, had retreated… at least temporarily.
"That's better. You're such a sorry sack of gloom today." Like a kindergarten teacher admonishing her charges she pointed to every item on her list. "Beach. Blue Sky. Sand. Sea. Enjoy. Han Joon-hwi."
"It's all your fault. For leaving me alone so long."
Sol secretly thought that the petulant little boy act was adorable.
"Well I'm here now, next to you. Bearing all your insults companionably."
"Insult you? I wouldn't dare. I want you by my side forever."
"I'll hold you to that."
Joon-hwi leaned towards her and gave her a quick peck on the lips. The company and sea air were giving him all kinds of ideas. Optimistic ones. Sol saw it as an opening to do her duty as a faithful fiancee and responded with a full throated attack on the lips, hinting that she was completely on board with what he had in mind. That was all the invitation he needed at that moment to give way to the explosion of desires that had been bottled up.
Soon the beach, the blue sky, the sand, the sea and people around them faded into a mist of irrelevance.
Present…
The apartment was the last place he had intended to be on this chilly, inhospitable night. Joon-hwi had planned to spend the night at the RIU's office. One of the empty holding cells and a blanket or two would have sufficed but Detective Kim shooed him out the door and made sure he got into a taxi. He had been very insistent. The office was no place for a man to lay his weary head, so said the good detective.
It was in fact several minutes past one in the wee hours of the morning and Joon-hwi was standing in the middle of the apartment like a rudderless ship with no bearings, no navigator. He was a captain who had no notion where to he steer his ship. A left turn would take him to the bedroom and a turn the right would see him in the cold kitchen with a fridge that only contained alcohol. After a mental back and forth he managed to resist the seductive lure of soju who were like the Sirens of old calling him by his name. But he was only too aware that he had been given the case of a lifetime and such alcohol-induced entanglements spelt disaster for the next morning.
With the case still fresh in his mind, Joon-hwi gave much thought to the victims — the men and women who wanted so desperately to forget. They had sought a way to erase the painful memories that haunted them, keeping them from living to the fullest. This inevitably led him to ponder his own dilemma. Those precious, priceless memories that he was clinging on to for dear life was his consolation, a life raft to press on until hopefully there was light at the end of the tunnel. He had to believe she would return.
The irony was not lost on him who was wondering, wanting and waiting. Unlike those who fell prey to the homeless killer, he feared forgetting. Remembering all those shared moments… the vestiges of the past were all he had left of her.
For the first time in heaven knows how long, he turned the knob to open the bedroom door. He had kept away for so long living in fearful trepidation that the spirits of the past would instantly come barreling out the door go for his jugular and torment him with malevolent glee. But nothing came at him except for a film of dust floating downwards and breaking up in slow motion. Lingering at the entrance, a flood of memories rushed at him. This place had been a refuge from the madness of their profession — their shared space. A space where they'd shared their dreams of the future, their woes… a place of rest and a place of quiet intimacy. Gradually the pain of being there alone night after night had become so unbearable that he couldn't go in.
But on this very night with the homeless murders a vivid fixture in his state of mind, Joon-hwi wanted desperately to remember.
He reached for the bedside light and switched it on. The light that instantly illuminated the room was warm and beguiling. It made him want to stay so he sat on the edge of the bed just like in the old days. His eyes scanned the room identifying every nook and cranny of it attaching specific memories to every piece of furniture in the room.
As his gaze returned to the light, right out of the corner of his eye, Joon-hwi noticed for the first time that the drawer of the nightstand was slightly ajar. In all likelihood it had become a vessel for the dust that had accumulated through neglect. He tried to pull the drawer open but the rails had become stiff from lack of use. An almighty yank later, the drawer was out and to his surprise in it was a large rectangular red book. And after wiping the dust off with his sleeve, he could better make out the word "Ledger" written on the cover. His interest was immediately piqued.
Does this belong to Kang and Park? What is it doing here?
The moment Joon-hwi opened the book to its end sheet, his eyes fell on the inscription. In an instant he exploded into an agonising sob and the tears that had been welling up in his eyes from reminiscing, came gushing down his cheeks with a ferocity he hadn't known previously.
This is a record of the moments I've shared with Han Joon-hwi — the man that I love, the man who was better than my all dreams could have imagined, the man that I didn't deserve but fate brought us together somehow. This record exists so that neither of us will ever forget.
Like a malnourished man in a famine stricken land living on scraps for too long, each page was a feast for his eager eyes. Photographs, stickers, dates and written recollections — he remembered every single event that they shared as if they only happened yesterday. That day at the beach... and what followed it... had been firmly etched in his mind.
By the time he got to the last page of writing, Joon-hwi was shaking like a leaf, weeping excruciatingly as if his heart had been shattered into a million pieces and then weeping all over again as if someone or something put them all back again one piece at a time.
Dropping to the floor while holding the ledger close to his chest, Han Joon-hwi soon rocked himself to sleep comforted by the memories of what had been.