Back at it after a nasty period of writers block. Let's get to it!
Chapter Ten
I'm caught in a landslide
Stuck on the inside
Like everybody else
And this one is a big wall
I'm in for the long haul
Trying to remind myself
It's just a head cold
Head Cold - Lights
Bella POV
I laid in bed, staring at the window. I didn't want to move, feeling very low energy. After Friday night at Emmett and Alice's house, I was finding it tough to be in a good mood. That night we had watched our movie and Alice and Jasper went up to her room. I had followed Emmett up to his room but grabbed my bag.
"Umm…I think I'll just head over to the guest room." I told him, feeling uncomfortable. He looked to me surprised, his eyes wide.
"What? Why?" he asked, and I shrugged.
"It's probably just for the best. You know…we aren't doing that stuff anymore. Just…feels like I'm crossing a line by sleeping with you." I told him and he shook his head, something in his eyes I couldn't read.
"But…you don't need to go. You can stay and we can keep it innocent." He told me and I rubbed my forehead.
"Um…no I think…I think it's probably better if I go." I told him, trying to sound casual. He faltered, looking around his room before nodding. He led me to the guest room down the hall and I thanked him, tossing my bag down on the floor and closing the door with a quiet goodnight to him. I crawled into bed and allowed myself to sink further and further into my embarrassment.
In truth, I wasn't upset that he wanted to stop doing whatever the hell we were doing. He was right…my head wasn't on straight. I was so focused on just seeing if I could, that I didn't think about if it was healthy for me at this point. He was just so easy to be with that I kind of slipped a bit too far.
What hurt were his words.
'I made a mistake.'
I was just a mistake.
I knew this of course...in the back of my head I always knew it. He could tell me a million times that he found me attractive, but I knew what I saw when I looked in the mirror. My ribs poked out; my chest was quite small. My hip bones pushed violently against my skin; my face was still far too thin. I didn't have Jessica's perky round boobs or Lauren's killer ass. I didn't have those soft curves on a petite frame. I didn't have the glowing, rested skin or the carefree energy that comes with being just a normal girl. I looked tired and worn out constantly. I was a chore to these people...I was a project. Carlisle said it himself: I remind Emmett of Alice. He wants to fix me to pay it forward and that's what draws him to me.
And here I was for a moment thinking I was enough. That maybe I wasn't completely a lost cause. That maybe someone would want me like that. Now all I saw when I looked at Alice was a success story – she prevailed and looks amazing. She has the solid relationship and the pretty, popular friends with the loving, close family. So far out of my reach. And Emmett...
I still had a soft spot for him. He really has helped me so much. But...I'd become what I never wanted to be to them: a charity case. I was an obligation...a favour to Jasper.
I glared at my phone as it went off again, yelling at me to wake up and start my day. It was 7:10am Monday morning and I needed to get ready for school. I hadn't spoken to anyone for the rest of the weekend, having left Alice and Emmett's before lunch on Saturday. I'd had a hard time eating since then, just feeling embarrassed at my behaviour. I really wasn't as close to them as I thought I was. They didn't trust me with Alice's disorder, Emmett felt obligated to help me. And now that he'd confessed our closeness was a mistake, I realized he was likely humouring me the whole time. He had set firm boundaries on our make-out sessions every time, and he was always the one to stop us from going further. Not that I blamed him...it made sense. And really, he probably saved me from jumping into something too soon. But for someone as sexually frustrated as he claimed to be...he had surprising restraint. Now I knew for sure it was because he was with me. He didn't want to go further with me, but he was being his usual kind self and sparing my feelings. And here I was coming onto him left right and center.
I rubbed my face and groaned into my hands before sitting up and throwing the covers off. I didn't have much of a choice, I'd have to face them at some point. It would only be worse if I was late.
I got out of bed and went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and brushed my hair, letting it fall in its usual waves down my back. I went back to my room and threw on a pair of jeans and a grey long sleeve with a blue plaid button up shirt over top. I stuck my phone in my pocket and grabbed my bag, begrudgingly making my way down to the kitchen.
"Morning." My dad greeted from the table. He was just coming off nights and had today off before going back onto day shifts tomorrow. I nodded to him, pouring some coffee into my travel mug. "Still in a crummy mood?" he asked, and I sighed, leaning against the counter to look at him.
"Kind of." I told him and he nodded, putting down the paper.
"Well kiddo, you'll have days like that. Just make sure you eat, ok? You slowed down this weekend." He told me and I nodded, eyeing my coffee.
"Yeah... yeah I will. I'm just not hungry lately. I'll uh...I'll make sure I have a good dinner with you. Promise." I told him and he gave me a small smile before standing up and giving me a kiss on the forehead.
"I'm headed up to bed. You have a good day." He told me and I nodded. He disappeared upstairs and I looked at the clock and realized it was already 7:34. I'd declined a ride from Jasper this morning, wanting to just walk into town to clear my head. I put on my coat and shoes, tossed my backpack on and headed out the door, my coffee keeping my hands warm.
I didn't really know how I felt about seeing them today, my mind telling me to just forget about them. I knew that wasn't realistic though...or even what I genuinely wanted. I wanted them in my life. They were sweet, kind people that welcomed me with open arms. I just didn't know how deep that really ran for them at this point.
All too soon, the scenic wooded side roads became town streets, and the school came into view. I walked through the lot and up to the doors sipping my coffee when I heard someone call my name. I turned reluctantly to see Jasper, Alice, and Emmett walking up from their cars. Jasper gave me a confused look.
"Bella...did you walk here?" he asked, and I scratched my forehead awkwardly.
"Uh...yeah." I told him lamely and he furrowed his brow.
"When you said you were good for this morning, I thought you meant you had a ride." He told me and I shrugged, glancing to the school doors.
"No just...wanted to walk." I accidentally caught Emmett's eye and saw confusion and hurt in his eyes. I had sort of ignored his messages all weekend. I looked down to my coffee, not wanting to feel guilty for closing myself off but I was nervous and embarrassed and just wanted to avoid him at all costs.
"You alright there, Miss Marie?" Jasper asked me, his voice hesitant. He could tell something was off but was treading lightly. I nodded, forcing a smile.
"Yeah. Just tired." I told him and he watched me for a moment, not believing me. He let it go though, seeing me shiver and pointed to the doors.
"Let's get inside." He told me and I turned, walking just ahead of them into the school. I didn't bother to exchange pleasantries, opting to just walk straight to my locker. I was mildly relieved when I saw Alice must have lingered with Jasper because she wasn't behind me when I stopped. I quickly put everything in my locker and grabbed my books, heading into class. Angela was already seated, and I walked over to her.
"Hey uh...mind if I sit here today?" I asked her and she smiled, nodding.
"Sure." I sat down and played with my pencil for a minute before seeing Jessica walk in, a glare already on her face. She perked up seeing Alice's usual seat pairing was open and that I was already sitting beside someone. She bee-lined for the open seat, giving me a victorious look. After another few minutes Alice walked in and I saw confusion on her face when she noticed I'd opted for a different seat today. She gave me a curious look before slowly sitting beside Jessica, glancing back to me. I turned my focus to my coffee and let Jess enjoy her moment.
It didn't make sense to ruin their friendship over a stupid obligation.
After a boring and uneventful first period, I wasn't as successful in avoiding Alice for calculus. she caught up to me quickly in the hall, grabbing my arm.
"Hey, what's going on?" she asked, and I glanced to her and shrugged.
"Hm? Nothing. Just walking to class." I told her, playing dumb. She shook her head.
"I know something is wrong...you've been avoiding us for days now. Did...did we do something?" she asked, and I put on an innocent face and shook my head.
"No. Why would you say that?" I asked and she furrowed her brow.
"Because Friday night you were fine and Saturday morning you couldn't leave fast enough. I just want to know what we did wrong." She told me and I only looked ahead of us. She grabbed my arm again and stopped me outside the classroom. I reluctantly turned to face her and saw hurt in her eyes.
"Bella...if I did anything...I'm so sorry. I... I'm so sorry I didn't give you the girls night I promised. I- "
"No...no that's...Alice that's totally fine. I don't mind that you wanted to spend time with Jasper." I told her and she desperately searched my eyes for a clue.
"I mean...looking back it was pretty rude. Emmett really laid into me about it yesterday." She told me and I shook my head.
"Really, I don't mind. You wanted to be with your boyfriend. I'm not upset about it." I told her honestly. I wasn't upset with Alice before all of this...and now that I knew the truth, it made even more sense. Why would this gorgeous, popular girl want to be on Bella duty when she could be with her incredible boyfriend? She gave me another confused look, hesitating on her words.
"Did...did Emmett do something?" she asked, and I shook my head.
"No." I told her, and she narrowed her eyes a bit.
"Are you sure? Did he say something to you that made you uncomfortable?" she asked, and I sighed.
"Alice, really, I'm fine. None of you have to worry about me. You can all take some time off from this." I told her, motioning between us.
"Wait...what? Time off...what do you mean?" she asked, and I glanced to the door as the teacher gave us a 'hurry up' look. I looked to her and forced a smile.
"Just don't worry about me. You didn't do anything wrong; I promise." I told her dismissively before walking past her into the room. I went to the back and sat down beside a guy named Brad and organized my books. Alice came in and looked sadly from me to Lauren, slowly taking her usual seat a few rows up. I looked down to my books and took a deep breath. I didn't want to be rude, I just wanted them to know they didn't need to try so hard to keep me in the loop. They all had lives before I got here, and I just didn't want to be in the way anymore.
English wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. I took my time today and allowed Jess to rush past me. When I got to class, I saw she was already sitting in my seat, and her seat beside Eric was open. I sat beside him, opening my books and successfully avoided eye contact when Emmett came in and saw the seating arrangement.
"What are you doing?" he asked Jessica as he went over to his chair. I didn't bother to listen to her far too perky response.
I stood at my locker, slowly putting my books away. It was lunch time, and I didn't quite know where I was going to go. I'd spent every lunch with Alice, Emmett, and Jasper, and hadn't really learned to solo options yet. I wanted them to be able to have some quality time together without me bogging them down or having any other serious conversations today. I decided to just go for a walk and grabbed my coat.
"Going somewhere?" I heard and looked up to see Jasper looking to me concerned, a guilty looking Alice closing her locker and Emmett eyeing me from behind them. I gave them a polite smile and shrugged.
"Just going to take a walk." I told him and he nodded.
"Great. Where are we walking to?" he asked, and I took a deep breath.
"Oh...I uh...I was just going to go by myself." I told him and he shook his head.
"What's going on with you?" he asked, and I sighed, putting my coat on and closing my locker.
"Can't a girl go for a walk?" I asked defensively and he glanced to Alice.
"Hey guys uh...go enjoy your lunch. We will catch up with you later." He told them and I watched as Alice and Emmett gave me a sad look before walking towards the cafeteria.
"We need to have a talk." He told me seriously and I sighed, stuffing my hands in my pockets. We went to his locker to grab his coat and headed out into the gloomy March day.
"You going to make me ask again?" he asked me after a minute of walking. I sighed.
"Jasper, I'm fine." I told him and he shook his head.
"Cut the bullshit, Bella. Why are you suddenly avoiding us?" he asked, and I shook my head.
"I'm not." He scoffed.
"Yeah, sure. Up until Friday night you were all smiles and laughs, letting loose, enjoying yourself. You and Emmett were practically joined at the hip. Now all of a sudden Alice is texting me saying you told her we all get some time off from you? What does that even mean?" he asked, and I laughed without humour. "How is this funny?" He asked annoyed and I shrugged.
"Just amusing that you guys share every detail of what I do and say, but when it comes to how you all know so much about anorexia, you're all suddenly good at keeping a secret." I told him and saw him falter out of the corner of my eye. I looked to him and saw guilt on his face.
"Bella, I- "
"Save it. Carlisle told me Alice is the 'friend'. You all really did a great job keeping her secret for her. I'm really proud of you." I snipped and he sighed.
"I'm sorry." He told me and I shrugged.
"It's fine." I said harshly, brushing him off. He shook his head.
"Clearly it isn't." He told me.
"And clearly they are just taking pity on me." I told him and he grabbed my arm, causing me to stop and look to him.
"Bella. You know that isn't true." I laughed again.
"Are you kidding me, Jasper? Carlisle flat out told me that's why Emmett is so involved in helping me. He feels a connection to me because of his sister. And Alice is just doing you a favour as your girlfriend." I told him and he furrowed his brow.
"Bella. That's not true." He reiterated and I nodded.
"But it is. I'm tired of being this burden on people. That's all I was in Phoenix. A burden to my mom and Phil when all they wanted was to have their new little family. A burden to my boyfriend for having to be seen with me. A burden to my friends who were clearly eager to get rid of me. Now I come here and tell you I don't want this...and I'm still the same burden." I ranted and I saw hurt in his eyes.
"Bella, we love you." He told me softly and I shrugged.
"I know you love me, Jasper. I love you too. But I'll always be an outsider to your friends. I'm just good karma to them. And don't get me wrong, they are really nice people. I genuinely like them...and I'm not saying I won't hang out with you guys but...I just don't want to feel like an outsider anymore. If I really fit in as fast as they claim I did, at least one of you would have told me about Alice."
"Bella, that's not my story to tell."
"Are you fucking kidding me? You had no problem telling them about me!" I said angrily and he sighed.
"Bella I was just desperate to have eyes on you. I wanted to know you were ok." He told me and I nodded.
"I know. Which is how I know my 'friendship' with Alice and Emmett is just a favour to you and a side project." He watched me, sadness filling his eyes.
"Bella...please. I..." but he trailed off, having no rebuttal. I nodded and started walking again, heading back to the school in silence. We parted ways at the doors, him heading to the cafeteria to finish lunch with his friends, and me headed to my locker to sit and read in the hall. I really would hang out with them again, today I was just far too embarrassed to be babysat.
Emmett POV
I looked up eagerly, seeing Jasper approach our table. I could feel the disappointment on my face seeing he was alone.
"How did it go?" Alice asked him and he sighed.
"We fucked up." He told us and I could feel my chest tightening. Had she told him about what happened between us?
"What did we do?" Alice asked, clearly upset. She was heartbroken yesterday when I laid into her.
"Hey, have you heard from Bella?" She asked me and I shot her an annoyed look. It was Sunday afternoon and Bella had been ignoring me for more than 24 hours.
"No." She gave me a defensive look.
"Ok, jeez. I was just asking. Did she seem off yesterday to you?" she asked, and I huffed.
"Yes, Alice. She did. Why do you think that is?" I asked her and she narrowed her eyes at me.
"Well apparently you already know so why don't you enlighten me." She snapped and I shook my head.
"You invite Bella here to have a girl's night then can't even be bothered to hang out with her?" I accused and she stepped back, confused.
"What are you talking about?" she asked, and I nodded.
"You spent every second with Jasper! You locked yourself away half the night and then left her when you two went to bed. You were supposed to be having girls' night." I told her, letting my frustration out. Her eyes widened a bit.
"Wait...is Bella upset with me?" she asked, and I rolled my eyes.
"Wouldn't you be?!" I snapped angrily. In truth, I knew why Bella was ignoring us. I fucked up. She had to be upset about me putting an end to us fooling around...that's when she got standoffish. When she asked to sleep in her own room, my chest just about caved in from the guilt.
"But...oh God. Oh my God I'm a horrible friend." She said quietly and I felt guilty putting it all on her. Part of me just wanted to feel like I could take my words to Bella back. I wanted to hold her and kiss her and see the mischief in her eyes as she went in to tease me. I wanted to go to sleep with her tucked into my side and wake up feeling her hand on my chest. And now that was all gone because I'm an idiot.
Jasper looked to Alice nervously.
"Um...well your...your dad kind of told Bella...about you." He told Alice and I felt my eyes widen at his words.
"What?" she asked quietly, and he nodded.
"I don't know...maybe he assumed she knew. He told her that was why Emmett was so attached to her and she feels like we are just taking pity on her. That neither of you actually want to be friends with her." He explained and I felt my chest tightening at his words.
"Oh my God..." Alice whispered, glancing to me.
"And I didn't make it any better. She feels like an outsider because we all kept your secret but were quick to share hers...and she isn't wrong. But...I told her I just wanted you guys to be able to watch out for her and that's when she said that proved you both are just being nice to her as a favour to me." He told us and I felt pain on my face. If she really felt that way...did she think I was just using her for everything else? The thought was too much to bear.
"So, when she said we get a break from her..." Alice began, and Jasper sighed.
"She means she doesn't want to burden us. I tried to tell her she wasn't but...she's really convinced you two aren't really invested. Which is crazy to me because you two were really close until the movie Friday night." Jasper said, looking to me. I felt a bit of panic at that, not knowing how I would explain it. Alice sighed.
"Yeah, because she was probably mad at me. I... I kind of ditched our girl's night." She said quietly and Jasper grabbed her hand.
"Hey. Don't blame yourself. We all could have handled this differently, but I think we need to put our energy into fixing it. You...you guys do like Bella...right?" he asked, and I felt my eyes snap to him.
"Are you serious?" I asked him defensively. He looked to me surprised. "Do you really think she's just a favour?" I asked him and he glanced to Alice.
"I... I mean no. I just...I realized I'd always just assumed you both liked her. I didn't put any stock into Bella's fears until today. I don't know...I just wanted to make sure you actually wanted her around." He told us and I shook my head.
"So, when she was asking you all this twenty minutes ago, you didn't defend it with much confidence." I accused and he sighed.
"Emmett, calm down." Alice told me and I shook my head.
"How do you feel knowing Bella thinks she's just some girl you're taking pity on?" I asked and she looked to her hands.
"Terrible." She said quietly and I nodded.
"Yeah. Exactly. Bella's like the coolest girl I've ever met. And to know she thinks she's just some project to me?" I shook my head, standing from the table. "I need to take a walk." I told them and walked out of the cafeteria. The idea of it was too much to process. I had fallen so fast for that girl...everything about her amazed me. Her resilience, her humour, her intellect. The way she ran her hands through her hair or tapped her pencil and fingers to a song. The way she rolled her eyes at the stupid shit I said. The way she interacted with my mom and put me in my place.
The way she made me feel like I was more than just some dumb jock.
Everything about her twisted my stomach into knots and I never wanted it to unravel. I wanted every part of her and as much as that scared me...it scared me more to think I'd lost her forever.
I turned on my heel and backtracked a bit, turning down a side hallway and back around to Bella's locker, finding her sitting alone, reading Lord of the Flies. I took a deep breath and sat beside her, causing her to look up, surprise on her face.
"Oh. Uh...hey." she told me, turning back to her book.
"I'm so sorry." I told her and she sighed, closing the book and resting it in her lap. She glanced to me and shook her head.
"No need." She told me and I nodded.
"Yes. There is...Bella if I ever gave you the impression that I didn't actually want you around..." She rubbed her forehead nervously before turning to me.
"Emmett it's ok if you're only in this friendship to make yourself feel better about Alice. But you don't need to feel obligated to save me. I was fine before I met you and I'll be fine now." I felt my chest aching, the pain radiating in waves through my body.
"How can you even say that." I whispered and she shrugged, picking at the cover of her book.
"Tell me I'm wrong." She said quietly. I gave her a confused look and she looked up to meet my eyes. "Tell me that's not why you took such an interest in me from day one." She challenged and I faltered. She hesitated for a moment before nodding. She went to stand but I grabbed her hand.
"No. I... this isn't where this conversation ends." I said desperately. She looked to me, re-crossing her legs and waiting for me to speak. I shook my head to her. "Bella...yes that's why I was so invested but how could you think after everything that...that's happened that that's still the only reason I want to be around you?" I asked and she sighed.
"Emmett that's..."
"Do you think that little of me?" I asked and she looked to me quickly, shaking her head.
"Of course not." She told me and I shrugged.
"Then what. Why would I do...everything I did...if I didn't like you as a person." I asked her and she looked to me a moment before speaking.
"Emmett...it's ok that we aren't doing...that stuff anymore. Really...it is. You were right. I wasn't ready and it would have been a bad idea. You have told me over and over again how...frustrated you are. And... I was far too eager to be of service. Then you realized I was a mistake and you- "
"What?" I interrupted and she met my eyes.
"What do you mean, what?" she asked, and I shook my head.
"I realized you were a mistake?" I asked and she nodded slowly.
"Yes?" she asked, and I furrowed my brow.
"Where in the hell did you get that from?" I asked and she raised a brow at me.
"From you? You told me Friday night what we were doing was a mistake." She explained and I grabbed my chest, the ache setting it on fire.
"You aren't a mistake." I whispered and she shrugged.
"It's ok, Emmett." She told me and I shook my head.
"No. I meant trying to get to you the way you got to me was a mistake. Bella, I don't regret anything that happened." I told her seriously and she watched me for a moment before looking to her hands.
"Regardless...you were right to end it. I know that you could be out living your life instead of- "
"Instead of what, living my life?" I asked pointedly. "Bella...what is it going to take to make you see that Alice and I adore you. We want you around. It's only been three and a half weeks and I can't handle not having spending all of my time with you. You're... you're my best friend, Bella. What's it going to take to get you to believe me?" I ended weakly and I could see her eyes soften. She looked to her hands, and I took it as my chance to take her hand in mine. She looked to them nervously and I gave it a squeeze. "Please. Just tell me...I'll do anything. What can I do?" I asked and she looked back up to my eyes and sighed.
"I guess...I just need time. I feel really embarrassed for my behaviour. I just...feel like I forced my drama on you guys and then made an ass of myself with you." She told me awkwardly and I shook my head.
"I want your drama. I want to be here for you to confide in and hold your hand through it. And you did not make an ass of yourself. We both wanted it...it was just poor timing." I told her and she sighed.
"I just need time." She said softly and I nodded.
"Time as in... stay away? Or...time as in... I can actively prove to you that I want you in my life?" I asked and she looked up to me, eyes searching mine. After a moment she gave me a small smile.
"If it means that much to you...you can stick around." She told me and I felt relief filling my body. I pulled her into a hug and treasured the way her tiny frame fit into my own.
"Bella, I promise you I will make this up to you. I don't ever want to do anything to ruin our friendship." I told her softly and she nestled her head into my chest a bit closer. She pulled away and looked over my shoulder, face turning nervous. I turned to see Alice and Jasper stop a few feet from us in the otherwise empty hall and smile to Bella.
"Hi." Bella greeted nervously and Alice sighed, sitting in front of us.
"Bella...I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I... I wanted to but when you said that Jasper and Emmett had told you about their 'friend'...I was honestly just surprised. I didn't realize they hadn't told you and... before I knew it the moment had passed. I just never knew how to bring it up again. It's...not something I actively talk about." She explained to Bella, who nodded.
"I understand." Bella told her and Alice sniffed away her tears.
"Please forgive us. Bella you've been so amazing to have around. I finally feel like I have this chance to have a true girlfriend and not someone that just wants some superficial relationship. I'm so sorry if I haven't put enough effort into our friendship." She told Bella who smiled to her warmly.
"You don't need to apologize. I'm really not upset about Friday." Bella eased and Alice pulled her into a hug.
"Just give us the chance to show you what you mean to us." Alice insisted and Bella nodded.
"I can't say it will happen overnight...but...I suppose I can recognize that...maybe my fears are fueling this a bit." She confessed and I grabbed her hand.
"I don't care how long it takes. We will prove to you that this is genuine." I told her. She gave me a smile and nodded.
"Are we ok?" Jasper asked her and Bella laughed, standing up and extending her arms for a hug. He wrapped her into his chest and smiled.
"Duh." She told him and he chuckled.
"We shouldn't have been so secretive. From now on, we will be more open...and respect your privacy." Jasper told her and she nodded.
"Thank you."
I stood and Alice opened her locker, turning to speak to Jasper. I grabbed Bella's arm and gave her a gentle tug to the side.
"Hey uh...for what it's worth? I haven't said a word." I told her and she gave me a confused look.
"About what?" She asked and I shrugged.
"About anything. Anything you asked me not to share has stayed between us. I promise you can trust me. And I'm really grateful you've confided in me the way you have." She smiled to me and nodded.
"Thanks." She whispered. I glanced to her arms and gave her a nervous look.
"Can... can I still...touch you? Does this...no nonsense thing extend to being close to you?" I asked and she eyed me for a moment before shrugged.
"I mean...that's fine. I uh...maybe we should ease into it though? Cuddling all night probably isn't the best idea." She joked and I chuckled, nodding.
"Alright...I can respect that. But I can still touch you?" I reiterated and she smiled.
"Yeah...yeah I'm ok with that." She told me and I scooped her into my arms for a big hug. I saw Alice give me a knowing smile over Bella's shoulder and ignored her, just happy to have Bella back in my arms.
I walked into the kitchen, finding my mom and dad standing at the island prepping dinner. I went and sat on a stool, looking to him.
"So. You and Bella had a good talk Friday night." I accused and he looked up to me, guarded.
"Oh?" He asked and I nodded.
"Yeah. You told her a key piece of information that she didn't know yet." I said, voice annoyed. He looked to my mom who looked just as confused.
"Did I?" he asked, and I nodded.
"That Alice had an eating disorder." I snipped and his face turned confused too.
"I thought she knew." He told me and my mom stopped chopping, looking between us.
"She didn't know?" my mom asked, and I shook my head.
"No."
"She didn't seem surprised." My dad said, brow furrowed.
"Well, she didn't. Guess what she took to heart? You telling her that's why I was so invested in her." He looked to my mom before turning back to me.
"That's obviously not how I meant it...I didn't mean you didn't enjoy her company." He defended and I shrugged.
"Well, that's not how she took it. After she left here Saturday morning, none of us heard from her. She told Alice today we get a break from her and decided she didn't want to burden us anymore." I snapped and my mom inhaled sharply.
"She said that?" she asked, and I nodded, glaring at my dad.
"Emmett, I didn't do this on purpose. Why didn't you three tell her about Alice?" he asked, and I sighed, looking to my hands.
"Because we didn't know how. We told her we'd had a friend that had gone through it but that was it." I told them and my mom shifted.
"So... you lied to her." She clarified and I huffed.
"Yes. We did, ok? And I don't feel good about it but none of us knew how to approach it. She thinks that she's just an outsider now because dad overshared." I said, glaring back at him. He raised his hand.
"Hold on. You three decided to lie to her, and I'm the one in the hot seat?" he asked, and I shook my head.
"You told her that's why I'm invested in her! Do you realize what that did to her?! She thinks she's some charity case and we all found a good karma project." I said, my voice raising.
"Emmett, that's enough." He told me and I went to speak but he cut me off. "No. I should have clarified what I meant to her; I'll take ownership of that. But you can't put the blame of lying to that girl on me." He said, clearly fed up with my attitude.
"Maybe you can talk to her? Make her see that it was a misunderstanding." My mom offered and I sighed.
"We did. She 'needs time'." I told her and my dad shrugged.
"Take this as a lesson. Honesty is the best policy." He told me and I glared to him, standing.
"Thanks for the after school special." I snapped, walking out. I grabbed my keys and went out to my Jeep, too annoyed to stick around. I knew I needed to take some of the blame, but I was far too frustrated not to let him know he shouldn't have said what he did. The thought of Bella thinking I didn't genuinely like her hurt way too much.
I drove until I got to her house, parking beside someone's truck. I glanced to the house before getting out and walking up to the door. I knocked and after about thirty seconds, the door opened revealing Charlie. He gave me a polite nod.
"Well, hello." He greeted and I nodded back.
"Hi. Is... Bella home?" I asked nervously and he nodded, stepping aside.
"Yeah, come on in. Bells! You have company." He called and I heard footsteps approaching, Bella coming into view.
"Emmett...what are you doing here?" she asked, and I took a deep breath.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked and she nodded, glancing to Charlie. She grabbed her coat and motioned for us to go out to the porch.
I glanced to her as she leaned on the stair railing and sighed.
"I'm sorry." I told her again and she laughed softly.
"You need to stop apologizing." She told me and I shook my head.
"I'll never stop. I... I can't handle knowing we aren't 100% ok. I want to give you time...you don't need to change anything for me. But I needed to say it again. I never should have kept Alice a secret, Bella. I should have chosen all my words more carefully. I just...the thought of you sitting here thinking you're just a project to me-" but I cut myself off, tears forming in my eyes. She looked surprised and shook her head.
"What's happening." She whispered.
"I needed you to know again. I wouldn't do this for anyone else. Yes, you remind me of Alice but...you're so much more than that. I just needed to make sure you knew." I told her and her mouth slowly settled into a smile.
"Come here." She whispered, holding out her arms for a hug. I stepped down to a lower step, wrapping her tiny body into mine.
"I also got into a fight with my parents and didn't know where else to go." I said, slight humour in my voice.
"What, why?" she asked, pulling back. I sighed.
"I got mad at my dad for what he told you." I told her and she sighed too.
"Emmett. Don't pick fights with your parents." She scolded and I scratched the back of my head. She shook her head at me and smiled.
"Want to stick around?" she asked, and I nodded.
"Yeah, definitely." I told her and she nodded.
"Just to warn you...Jake and his dad are here." She told me and my eyes shot to the door.
"He is?" I asked and she nodded.
"Yeah. We worked it all out and he's been on his best behaviour. I set ground rules and he's ok with that. Just...please be nice? You're both really important to me." She told me and I sighed, nodding.
"Ok." She led me back inside and we shrugged our coats and shoes off, her leading me into the living room. Charlie and Jacob's dad were watching TV and Jacob looked up to see me, eyes narrowing.
"Emmett, you staying for dinner?" Charlie asked and I shrugged.
"If I'm not crashing." I told him and he nodded with a smile.
"No, you're welcome." He told me, looking to the others.
"This is Emmett, one of Bella's friends. Emmett this is Jake and Billy." He introduced and I nodded to Billy before looking to Jacob.
"Jake." I greeted, trying to be polite. He eyed me, glancing to Bella.
"Emmett." He greeted back, just as forced. I felt Bella pat my arm, which did not go unnoticed by Jake, and sit on the couch beside him. I took the other side of her and looked to the TV, seeing Sports Center on.
"Canucks are looking good this year." I commented and Charlie nodded.
"You a hockey guy?" he asked, and I nodded.
"Yeah, I like pretty much every sport." I told him.
"Football?" he asked, and I smiled.
"Is it even legal to live in Washington and not be a Seahawks fan?" I asked and he chuckled.
"That's my boy." I chuckled too.
"The playoffs this year still haunt me." I told him and he sighed.
"Don't remind him. He sulked for a week." Billy told us and we all laughed.
"For good reason." I defended and Charlie nodded.
"See? He gets it." We fell into conversation about hockey and I felt Bella settle into the couch, a smile on her face. I couldn't help but notice the quiet conversation Bella and Jacob kept while I spoke to their dads, but also took note of the fact that he was very reserved with her, truly on his best behaviour. After a few minutes I felt Bella's hand on my arm and I turned to her.
"Hey, could you help me in the kitchen for a minute?" she asked, and I nodded, standing up with her. I ignored the glare Jake was sending me and followed her into the kitchen. She pointed up to a cabinet.
"Could you grab the paprika from the top shelf please?" she asked, and I nodded, opening the cupboard door and getting the spice. She took a shepherd's pie from the oven and sprinkled the top with the paprika. She tossed it back in the oven and turned to me, leaning against the counter.
"So…feel weird?" She asked and I gave her a curious look. "Hanging with Jake." She said with a smile, and I rolled my eyes.
"Well, it's not my favourite pastime, but it's doable for you."
"Gee thanks." I looked over to see Jacob in the doorway and fought the urge to glare at him. He walked over to stand beside Bella, and I felt jealousy flare inside me knowing he'd kissed and touched her the way I had.
"Now, guys. Get along." She told us and I nodded.
"No worries here." I told her, giving Jake a pointed look. He shot me a glare, softening as he turned to her.
"I'm good." He told her and she nodded, clearly uncomfortable.
"Awesome." She mumbled quietly. After a few seconds she turned around and took the shepherds pie back out of the oven and put it down on the counter. I watched Jake grab plates from the cupboard and put them down for her and she started serving up portions for everyone. I watched her rub her stomach nervously, eyeing her empty plate. I nodded to the door and looked to Jacob.
"Give us a minute." I told him curtly and he shot me with a glare.
"Excuse me? How about- "
"Please, Jake? You can take our dads their food and we will be out soon." Bella said, cutting him off. He huffed, gabbing the plates and nodded to her.
"Sure thing." he told her quietly, walking back to the living room. I looked to her and saw the anxiety in her eyes.
"What are you thinking?" I asked her and she took a deep breath.
"Its…been a rough few days." She told me and I nodded.
"Meaning…you haven't eaten much?" I asked and she nodded hesitantly. I took a breath.
"Can I ask why?" I asked and she crossed her arms, leaning against the counter.
"I just…haven't felt great. With…everything. And when I don't feel great it's harder to eat." She explained and I nodded.
"Felt great…about us? Or about yourself?" I asked and she shrugged. I watched her a moment before furrowing my brow. "Or both?" I asked and she sighed.
"Both." She said quietly and I exhaled, walking over to her. I grabbed her hands and shook my head.
"Bella…I'm really sorry. I don't ever want to be the reason you regress." I told her and she nodded, looking to our hands.
"Can we just…talk about this later?" she asked, and I nodded, feeling nervous. I didn't want her to sit with these feelings and have them grow out of control. I knew how fast her mind could turn against her…I'd seen it far too many times with Alice. She grabbed the smallest piece of shepherd's pie and put it on her plate, nervously motioning for me to follow her out. I noticed Charlie look to her, concern in his eyes. He seemed relieved to see food on her plate…which didn't make me feel any better. I knew I needed to really put in the work to make this right, if not for my feelings for Bella, then for her own health. I couldn't let her feel this low.
Bella POV
I felt Jake's eyes burning holes into me as he and Billy got their coats on to leave, Emmett still standing beside me. He didn't like that Emmett was sticking around and he wasn't, but he'd just have to come to terms with my friendships. We'd had a good talk Saturday night. He called me and apologized for making me uncomfortable and I told him I needed him to be more careful with me. I knew our friendship meant the world to him, but he wanted more, and I couldn't let him think he was close to getting me back to normal. I wasn't entirely sure I'd ever be normal again to be honest. Sure, I'd been able to get adventurous with Emmett but that ended in disaster, and it didn't feel natural to even think about having that connection with someone else.
Not even Jake.
He was very cooperative of course, just wanting to be back in my good graces. I told him we could start with baby steps, minimal touching for a while until I felt more myself. Today was nice, but I did feel a wall there. When Emmett showed up, I felt both nervous and relieved. It just felt better when he was around…even though I felt stupid for feeling that way. I felt a wall building between Emmett and I as well.
Not that he wasn't being amazing to me…I appreciated everything they'd said and done for me. I just couldn't stop my mind from repeating everything, over and over again.
He's so attentive because you remind him of Alice.
You're a favour to Jasper.
They didn't trust you.
You're an outsider.
Emmett never really wanted you.
You were a mistake.
I took a deep breath as I looked to Emmett, my dad closing the door behind Jake and Billy.
"You…sticking around?" my dad asked Emmett and he glanced to me, asking for permission. I nodded.
"For a little bit." I said, looking to my dad. He nodded, scratching his neck.
"Alright. I'm headed to bed but I'm here if you need anything." He patted my shoulder affectionately and gave me a small smile.
"Good job on dinner, kiddo." He told me and nodded to Emmett before disappearing up to bed. I looked to Emmett and saw him waiting for my direction. I pointed to the couch.
"We can sit down here…want a drink?" I asked and he nodded.
"Sure." He followed me into the kitchen, and I grabbed the kettle, making myself a tea.
"Would you like one?" I asked and he nodded, leaning against the counter.
"Stomach upset?" he asked, and I nodded.
"A bit." He didn't reply, only watching me quietly, though I could tell he had a lot to say. I made our teas and handed him his mug, leading him back to the living room. We sat on the couch and set our mugs down on the coffee table. I turned to him, sitting cross-legged facing him and waited for him to speak. He took a deep breath and looked to me, eyes hesitant.
"Your dad seemed pretty impressed with your dinner tonight." He commented and I nodded. "I can't help but notice it was less than normal. Is…that a big improvement since Friday?" he asked, and I hesitated before I nodded.
"Like I said…I didn't feel very well." I told him and he nodded, looking to his hands.
"Did you eat anything this weekend?" he asked, and I took a breath before replying.
"Um…I had a few bites of dinner Saturday… and a few bites of an apple Sunday." I told him honestly and saw him refuse to look at me.
"Did you eat today?" he asked, and I shrugged.
"Only dinner." I told him. He stared at his hands, elbows on his knees.
"It kills me that we hurt you like that." He told me quietly.
"It's ok- "
"No. It isn't. Bella I'm supposed to protect you and I hurt you so badly that you stopped eating." He told me seriously, finally looking to me. I felt an ache in my chest at his words.
"You're not supposed to do anything." I told him quietly. His eyes looked pained at my response, and he sighed.
"Bella…that's not what I meant."
"But that's all I keep hearing. You three just talking about what you have to do…what you should do…what is right. I'm not a charity case, Emmett. I'm just a person. And I thought…" I trailed off, feeling stupid. "I thought I was actually starting to fit in with you." I finished quietly. I knew it sounded stupid, it sounded just as stupid in my head.
You don't fit in anywhere.
"Bella…of course you fit in with us. We say those things because we feel obligated to you. We feel obligated to help you see how great you are…to help you see yourself the way we see you. We want you to feel better because we are invested in you. Not because it's the right thing to do." He told me and I looked to my hands. "My words just aren't getting through, are they." He stated rather than asked. I took a deep breath before shaking my head.
"Not really."
"Alice went through the same thing…a lot. Just remember that your mind works against you. The things you tell yourself aren't true, I promise." He told me and I felt tears forming in my eyes.
"They feel pretty true." I said quietly and he took my hands in his, making me look up to his eyes.
"I know they do. And I know we've done a shit job at proving to you that they aren't true. But it was mistake piling onto mistake and it just spiraled out of control." He told me and I looked back down to our hands. "Is there something specific that's bothering you?" he asked, and I took a deep breath, wanting to be honest and wanting to run at the same time. After a minute I summoned the courage to reply.
"I feel so embarrassed." I whispered, not meeting his eye.
"Why are you embarrassed?" he asked, and I could practically feel my face going red.
"Because…I crossed a huge line with you. You kept trying to slow us down or set boundaries; you tried to tell me it wasn't a good idea and I acted like it was fine. Here I was acting like things were cool but in reality, you weren't into it." I said in a hurry. I just wanted to get the words out. Maybe if I said it, we could start getting to the point where we could one day laugh about it. He was silent for a long time and my curiosity got the best of me. I looked up to see deep hurt in his eyes.
"What?" he managed, and I shrugged.
"You didn't want those things and I kept pushing for it. Sure, you participated and tried to have fun with it but…I can see now that you were trying to find the nicest way possible to get us to stop." I told him and he only watched me. After a minute I felt uncomfortable and kept rambling. "I just…I know you say that I'm attractive or whatever… and that you wouldn't want me to be Jess or Lauren but it's pretty obvious that I'm not who you'd ever hook up with. No matter what you say I know what I see in the mirror. I'm not sexually attractive. I'm…bones. And sunken cheeks and dark circles under my eyes and pale skin. I look exhausted all the time; I'm constantly needing to be babysat." I paused, looking to my hands, pulling them back to my body and out of his. His hands fell limp on his leg, and I took a deep breath, looking to my boney knees. "I know you say you don't want me to be them…but that's just because you don't want to be friends with them. You've been saying all week how hard up you are, but you had more than enough restraint to stop me from going too far." I felt myself sinking further and further into my embarrassment, my shoulders slumping and my head hanging, ashamed of my behaviour. "I'm grateful you stopped us…I know I was getting carried away. I'm just beyond embarrassed that I didn't clue into the fact that the entire idea was ridiculous." I finished quietly. After another minute of silence, I forced myself to look up to him, seeing his hand on his chest, watching me with pain in his eyes.
"Please just say something to put me out of my misery." I whispered and he swallowed and shook his head.
"Bella that isn't true." He whispered back and I inhaled, holding the air in my lungs and tried to calm my nerves.
"But it is." I told him back, exhaling.
"It isn't." he told me quietly. "Bella the only reason I stopped us over and over again was so that I didn't hurt you. I didn't want you to regret it." He told me and I looked to my hands. "It's not getting through." He told me and I didn't reply. In truth, part of me knew I was just in a pit of despair where logic couldn't reach me. What he said made sense…but I couldn't shake the idea that I was just a joke.
"I know what I see, Emmett. It doesn't make sense that you'd look at me and be attracted to me. And that's totally fine…I'm ok with that. But I'm embarrassed that I actually thought…" I trailed off, not wanting to say it.
"Thought what?" he asked, his voice weak. I took a deep breath, looking down.
"That it was completely mutual. I made a fool of myself." I told him quietly and he took an audible breath.
"That's not true at all. Why is it so laughable that I'd find you attractive? Or that I enjoyed what we were doing?" he asked, and I scoffed. "No, don't give me that 'look at me' bullshit. Give me a real answer." He insisted. I looked up to him and sighed.
"Because I know who your type is. You can't sit there and tell me you don't want to fool around with another Jess or Lauren when that's the only type of girl you sleep with. Sure, you say there's no shame in not looking like them, but you're also attracted to them for a reason. I'm very sure there's plenty of less attractive girls dying to get with you and you don't give them a second thought." I accused and he only watched me. "And look at me. Even Alice who struggled for years with a disorder looks amazing. And I can't even get my shit together for more than two weeks." I complained and he furrowed his brow.
"Why are you comparing yourself to Alice?" he asked, and I shrugged.
"Because it's a pretty fair comparison." I mumbled and he shook his head.
"The fuck it is. Alice has been eating for eight months now. She's had eight months of healing and recuperating. You're still in it. You have to see that makes a huge difference." He told me pointedly and I looked down.
"I've never looked like her. Every single pound on the scale that has ticked by I've never looked like Alice, Jess, or Lauren. I've been sitting here admiring them and wishing I could look like them and then I find out I'm jealous of someone that had an eating disorder. It just proves that- "
"It proves nothing, Bella. Absolutely nothing. You don't have to look like them to be beautiful." He insisted and I nodded.
"Sure. Regardless, I was still throwing myself at someone who enjoys Jess and Lauren's type. And I'll never be that…so…I shouldn't have been so confident." I told him dismissively. He groaned, putting his elbows back on his knees.
"Bella, you need to stop this obsession with Jess and Lauren."
"How can I? I just spent the last week trying to get in your pants after hearing Jess tell me constantly you wouldn't want someone like me. And she was right."
"She isn't! I'm telling you that isn't true!" he told me, frustration clear in his voice. I turned and put my back against the couch so I was facing the TV, pulling my knees to my chest. We were quiet for a minute before I broke the silence.
"It's irrelevant now anyway." I told him and he looked to me, his eyes sad.
"And why is that." He asked, defeated. I shrugged.
"Because it's done with. We aren't doing that anymore, you can get back to normal, and so can I." he watched me for a second, something in his eyes I couldn't quite place.
"Right." He said quietly, looking away. I felt my chest aching painfully, knowing this was for the best. I needed to expose the ridiculousness of my behaviour and we could be clear and honest about it never happening again.
"Sorry we toyed with Jess. You can tell her it was just a joke, and we aren't actually a thing." I told him and he only looked ahead of him. I felt horrible for tossing his life upside down. I knew he was getting annoyed with Jess' constantly clinginess, but Jacob was right…they kept getting together.
"So, what. We just…aren't close anymore?" he asked bluntly, and I shrugged.
"We don't have to be." I told him, ignoring the suffocating ache in my stomach and chest. He was quite for a moment.
"Is that what you actually want or is that what you think I want?" he asked, his voice flat. I rested my wrists on my knees, playing with my fingers nervously.
"Does it matter?"
"Yes." He said, looking to me. I could see frustration and hurt on his face and felt guilty. "I'll do anything you want, Bella but if I get to choose? Then of course I still want to be close to you. None of what you are saying is true. Nothing. I wanted you. I still do. But I care about you too much to be someone you regret." I watched him, wanting so badly to believe him. "You can think whatever you want but that's the truth. And I'm not going to just let this go. I'm not going to let you think this is how I feel." He finished quietly, turning back to look ahead of him.
I didn't know where to go from here, but I was certain I hated myself for what I'd done. I let my stupid experiment hurt the friendship I valued most since arriving in Forks, and I didn't know if we'd ever get that back.
Hey guys! Thanks for being so patient, I hit a bit of writers block this chapter and really wanted to make sure I got it right. This chapter was important and I didn't want to rush it. I hope you enjoyed and am asking you to review! Tell me what you think!