Chapter Eleven
I feel a little nauseous and my hands are shaking
I guess that means you're close by
My throat is getting dry and my heart is racing
I haven't been by your side
In a minute, but I think about it sometimes
Even though I know it's not so distant
Oh, no, I still wanna reminisce it
What A Time – Julia Michaels feat. Niall Horan
Bella POV
I tapped my pen on my book, bored out of my mind as I listened to our biology teacher teach us about something that we started the term with in Phoenix. I glanced to Alice who rolled her eyes at me, tipping her head back to look at the ceiling, clearly bored too. It was Friday April 23rd and we were both just done with the week and were looking forward to tonight. We were going to Jasper's to spend the night and watch Caleb while Aunt Kerri and Ben had a date night in Port Angles. It was going to be a low-key night but still fun compared to how much school had been dragging lately. Teachers were really trying to get everything in before we started exam prep next month.
"Alright, break off with your partners and label all the phases of mitosis." He told us and we turned to each other and started laughing.
"Oh my God I thought he'd never stop talking." Alice whispered and I laughed, shaking my head.
"You're telling me." I agreed. We started tossing slides on the microscope and labeling them based on my already pristine notes.
"So, how are things going with Emmett?" she asked, giving me a curious look and I groaned.
"Really?" I asked and she nodded.
"Obviously. I know you two have been…a bit more distant since everything happened." She told me and I nodded.
"A bit." She turned to me fully.
"Why is that, anyway? You seem better with me." She asked and I shrugged, not sure what to say.
"Um…I don't know. It's just…different." I told her. Emmett and I seemed good to any passer by, but Alice and Jasper clearly noticed we had been off the last month. We weren't touchy, really, we rarely touched anymore. We did talk and hang out in our group, but we weren't glued to one another every day. Now that I think about it, we hadn't been alone since that night in my living room. As much as I missed him, I was a bit relieved for the distance because it was helping to melt away any feelings of embarrassment I was holding onto. It was getting easier and easier to look him in the eye and he seemed to be just following my lead.
"Different how?" she asked, very interested in the dynamics of our friendship. I hesitated and she furrowed her brow. "That night…at our house. Are you sure he didn't say anything to you? Did he…upset you in any way?" she asked, and I gave her a confused look.
"You keep asking that…what gives?" I asked and she shrugged, looking to her notes.
"Nothing…it's just odd that that night you two went from being great to strained…and since then you've gotten closer to me and more distanced from my brother." She reasoned and I took a deep breath, nervous at how tuned into the situation she was.
"No…he didn't say anything…" I said, unconvincingly. Her eyes widened.
"Wait. Something did happen!" she said, her voice almost too loud. I looked around to make sure no one was looking at us and rubbed my forehead.
"Alice, God. Keep it down." I whispered and she grinned.
"Sorry." She said, sheepishly. I looked to my book and sighed.
"Something…happened. But I really don't want to talk about it." I confessed and she smacked my arm.
"Oh my God, what happened?!" she whispered aggressively, and I pulled away from her quickly.
"Jesus Christ, Alice!" I whispered back and she grabbed my arm.
"Did he do something stupid?" she asked, and I shook my head.
"No, of course not. We just…it's really hard to explain and this isn't the place." I told her, glancing to Jess who was across the room, watching us. Alice nodded and gripped my arm.
"You are telling me tonight. No excuses." She told me and I sighed, terrified of this conversation. Alice and I had gotten closer. We'd spoken a bit about her anorexia, and she offered to help me with anything I needed. Otherwise, we pretty much just sat together each day and chatted about random things. She was great, I just felt like there was a bit of a wall there still.
Thankfully, class finished quickly, and we walked together to calculus. As we sat down in our seats, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. I took it out and saw it was a text from Jackson.
J: Hey, Bella! How's it going? It's been a while.
I smiled and started typing back.
B: Hey! I'm good, in calculus right now, bored out of my mind. How are you?
I put my phone down and started taking out my books when it vibrated again.
J: Ooo calculus...that doesn't sound pleasant. I'm good, just started offseason workouts so that's been good.
B: Good, gotta get you to the superbowl this year so my dad can stop mourning.
I teased and smiled to my phone. After about thirty seconds my phone buzzed.
J: Ouch. Right where it hurts.
B: You can take it, I believe in you. Class is about to start, I'll text you later?
I looked up to see Alice watching me curiously and I smiled to her before looking back down to my phone.
J: I'll hold you to it!
"Friend?" She asked and I nodded.
"Uh…yeah. Just someone I met on the plane when I came up." I told her and she watched me hesitantly.
"You gave someone on the plane your number?" She asked and I laughed.
"Well, when you put it like that, it sounds creepy." I told her and she smiled, watching me tuck my phone away.
Calculus of course dragged on but before I knew it, we were parting ways and I was headed to English. As I walked into the class, I saw Emmett rolling his eyes at Jess, who was standing at Emmett's desk.
"No thanks." He told her, clearly both annoyed and tired. Emmett had seemed on edge the last month and for that I felt guilty. It was for the best though.
"Why?" she asked in an annoying voice, and I sat down, earning a glare from her.
"Because I'm busy." He told her, reaching his limit with her already, and she rolled her eyes.
"Busy with Bella." She said and he nodded.
"Yup." He mumbled and she huffed and went to her seat. I glanced to him as I took my books out.
"You can ditch this weekend if you want." I told him and he didn't look at me, only took his own books out.
"I'm good." He told me quietly and I nodded, looking to my notes. Things with Emmett had been different lately, but they weren't usually this strained.
"Everything…ok?" I asked, my anxiety building, and he shrugged in response. "I know we haven't been the closest lately…but…if something's wrong you can tell me." I told him hesitantly and he exhaled, finally looking to me.
"I'm good. Thank you." He told me gently, but I knew he wasn't. I could see the hurt in his eyes and the way he seemed lower than I'd ever seen him. I looked down to my book and gave him his space, it being clear that he didn't want to talk to me about whatever was bothering him. I glanced to his book to see the spine barely cracked and took a slow breath, the guilt of not being around for him the last month eating me alive.
I walked to the cafeteria in silence with Emmett, feeling uneasy about his mood. I wanted desperately to just stop him and insist he tell me what was bothering him, but something told me he wouldn't be very receptive to it. We wandered into the cafeteria and found Jasper and Alice just sitting down. We went over to them, and I saw Alice give Emmett an odd look at his expression. He sat down without a word, and I sat slowly beside him. Jasper looked between us and to Alice; they shared a look before they sat.
"Ready to grab some food?" Alice asked us and I looked to my hands, avoiding the question. I'd been back to only eating about once a day and tried to save that meal for my dad when we got home. At this point I knew I'd have to pick either lunch or dinner with them and neither sounded very appealing. I heard Emmett stand back up before hesitating and lingering beside me.
"No lunch today, Miss Marie?" Jasper asked, eyeing me. I looked up to see the three of them watching me and shook my head.
"Not hungry." I told him quietly. He looked thoughtful for a moment and then nodded, looking to Alice.
"Ok. Let's go." He said, grabbing Alice's hand. Emmett hesitated beside me before he walked away as well. I looked down, eyeing my phone and sighed, picking it up. I opened the text from Jackson and started typing.
B: Finally on lunch
I started flipping through Facebook when his reply popped up on my screen.
J: Awesome. What classes you taking?
B: Bio, Calculus, English, Music, Gym…so not terrible I'm just over it by this point in the year.
J: Yeah, I get that. I always hated English
I smiled to my phone, him reminding me of Emmett.
B: You sound like my friend. I have to force him to read the books lol
J: Lucky guy, I needed someone to force me too lol
B: So how is training?
I looked up as Jasper, Alice, and Emmett sat back down at the table, Edward joining us a few seconds later.
"Hey, you're done the assignment, right?" he asked me, and I nodded, setting my phone down.
"Yeah, I finished fully like a week ago." I told him and he nodded.
"Did you do the extra credit?"
"Yeah, I figured why not." He smiled.
"Can I hear it?" he asked, and I laughed, shrugging.
"I mean…sure. Here." I told him, handing him one of my earbuds from my pocket. He popped it in, and I opened up the music assignment on my phone and hit play. He glanced to me at first, hearing the slow song and seemed confused for about the first minute before his eyes went wide and he looked to me.
"Holy shit." He said and I laughed, looking to my phone, a message from Jackson waiting.
J: It's not terrible, I slacked off bit too much since January though so I'm definitely feeling it.
B: Wow. How dare you.
J: Hey now, I like fried food, ok? Back off.
I grinned to my phone, laughing quietly.
B: Give us a Superbowl and then you can indulge.
J: CHEAP SHOT WOMAN
"What's so funny?" Jasper asked me and I looked up to find him and Alice watching me curiously. I glanced to Emmett to see him staring at his plate and shrugged.
"Just joking with my friend." I told him, still smiling from his outburst.
"The friend you met on the plane?" Alice asked and I nodded.
"Yeah, same guy." I told her and saw Jasper's brow furrow.
"A guy you met on a plane? When?" he asked, and I bit the inside of my cheek nervously. I didn't want to tell them just yet that I was becoming pretty good friends with the Seahawks starting tight end…nor did I want that information revealed in the middle of my Washington State cafeteria. I knew they were huge Seattle fans and I just felt weird about it considering my friendship with Jackson was so new still.
"Uh…yeah. On the flight here in February." I told him, trying to only reveal what I needed to.
"You gave a guy on your flight your number?" Jasper asked, protectively and I laughed.
"Not like that. We are just friends, he's older anyway." I told him and he nodded hesitantly.
"How much older?" he asked, and I rolled my eyes.
"He's twenty-three." I told him and his eyes widened.
"You're talking to a twenty-three-year-old guy. Where does he live?" He asked and I held up a hand at his tone.
"Ok, first off, he lives in Seattle, second, chill. We had a great conversation on the plane, he asked for my number when we landed so we could stay in touch, he was very clear that it wasn't weird and purely platonic, and I'm not dating a twenty-three-year-old." I outlined for him very curtly and he sighed, nodding and turned back to his food. I noticed Alice watching Emmett who was pushing food around on his plate for a few seconds before he stood up.
"I'm ditching early, see you guys in gym." He told us, grabbing his plate and wandering out of the cafeteria. I looked back down to my phone and took a deep breath, wishing I knew what was going on with him.
"Wow. That was incredible, Bella. It sounds so different from the original that I didn't even recognize the song until the chorus." Edward told me, handing me my earbud. I smiled and pocketed the headphone.
"Thanks…I loved the original. It was fun to play with it." I told him and he nodded.
"I don't know why I'm so impressed, you're obviously pretty good at music. But…wow." He repeated and I looked down, smiling.
"Thanks." I told him again, feeling pride welling inside me. It feels like it's been a long haul but finishing this project really made me feel like I was taking back my music. "You know…I've been playing with another song and was wondering if you would give me a hand?" I asked him and he perked up, nodding.
"Absolutely."
"You play violin, right?" I asked him and he nodded. "Great…I might record you playing a few things…I'd like to maybe add it to something I'm working on." I told him and he nodded again,
"That sounds awesome." I smiled and turned back to my phone.
B: Oh relax, I'm just bugging you.
J: You better be. I've been working out so I could probably almost take you.
I laughed again, shaking my head.
B: You wish. I'm headed to class soon though, so I'll talk to you this weekend maybe?
J: Definitely, have a good one!
B: You too!
I pocketed my phone and grabbed my music binder off the table.
"I'm going to go a few minutes early, I wanted to do a bit of work before class starts. I'll see you later, Alice." I told her and waved to Jasper and Edward who I would see in a few minutes. I walked down to the music room and sat in my chair, flipping my binder open. I pulled out my pencil and tapped it on the sheet music a few times before I started filling in notes, humming along. I had a melody stuck in my head for over a week now and something told me it had to be a violin. I filled a few bars before I sat back and hummed the music in full, falling more and more in love with it. I flipped to the back of my binder and started scribbling as the words came to mind.
What should be over burrowed under my skin / In heart-stopping waves of hurt / I've come too far to watch some namedropping sleaze / Tell me what are my words worth
I looked down at the lyrics, Aaron coming to mind. But this song didn't feel like a sad song. It felt…liberating. I felt like I could finally start to take back what he took from me and that felt amazing. I smiled at the lyrics, still humming along to the sheet music and knew a violin was going to sound perfect. I looked up as Jasper came in and sat down beside me.
"Hey." I greeted and he nodded, putting his book down.
"Hey…what's up with Emmett?" he asked, and I sighed, looking down.
"I have no idea. He's really off today." He nodded.
"I mean…you two have been off for a month now but…yes. He's particularly off today. I paused, tapping my pencil before I spoke.
"But yeah, I don't know. I went into English, and he was already in a weird mood." I explained, avoiding his comment, and he nodded.
"Have you two been talking much?" he asked, and I shook my head.
"Not really, no."
"Are you still mad at him?" He asked and I furrowed my brow, looking to him.
"No, of course not. I just…needed my space with everything going on." I told him, really not wanting to get into it with Jasper.
"But isn't this a bit extreme? Do you still need this much space over what happened?" he asked, and I sighed.
"This isn't all on me, you know. I told him I needed time…he was willing to give it…and neither of us have initiated progress in the friendship since. Maybe he doesn't want to be friends anymore." I said, trying to take the heat off me. I knew our conversation last month had gotten to him, but I had been trying to act more normally lately and then today it's like he wanted nothing to do with me. He'd been off the whole month but now it was very noticeable.
"I just don't understand how you two went from making Jess think you two were a thing to barely speaking in a matter of days." He prodded and I shrugged.
"I don't know what to tell you, Jazz." He turned to Edward as he sat down and freed me from the very uncomfortable conversation taking place. I flipped away from my side project and opened to the page we were currently working on. Thankfully, music was uneventful and easy compared to my morning classes. Unfortunately, that meant before I knew it, I was walking to the change rooms with Jasper, knowing I was going to have to face Emmett.
I stood with Alice, talking about tonight when Jasper and Emmett came over to us, confusion on their faces. There was a grouping of mats in the middle of the gym and nothing else.
"What are we doing today?" Jasper asked and Alice shrugged.
"No idea. He didn't tell us what today was." she replied, and I saw Emmett standing to the side, his face unreadable. I listened to Alice and Jasper talk about tonight until our teacher came into the gym with two other people, stopping in the middle of the mats.
"Alright everyone, take a seat around us please, all the way around guys." He instructed and I moved with everyone to the perimeter of the mats, realizing I was between Emmett and Mike. I sat down uncomfortably between them, waiting for the teacher to start.
"So next week, we are starting combatives and I figured what better way to start than by looking at self-defense. This is Jerry and Lisa, and they are going to show us how it's done today. At the end we will have time for a little one on one sparring with a partner just to get a feel for the moves, and next week we will start really acting it out and working on physical contact self defense. Wednesday we will start kickboxing, and work on that rest of the week. Alright take it away Jerry and Lisa." He introduced and I felt the colour drain from my face, my hands shaking in my lap.
Physical contact self defense? There was no way I was going to be able to stomach sparring with someone. I glanced to the instructors, finally realizing this was going to be a man/woman pairing and wanted to be sick.
"Hey guys! I'm Lisa and this is Jerry, and we are going to go through some basic self-defense moves with you today. We are going to show you the hammer strike, groin kick, heel palm strike, elbow strike, and how to escape from a bear hug and headlock. Now, it's very important to-" but I didn't hear another word, my heart racing. I watched them go through the moves and couldn't help but notice every inch of contact between them, every time he came at her in a 'threatening' way, the way she fought back. I felt tears in my eyes at the thought of partnering with someone and allowing them to pretend to attack me.
After about thirty-five minutes of watching them demonstrate the moves, they instructed us to pair off.
"We'd like to get as many boy/girl pairings as possible. Now, there will be physical contact next week, so I want to see everyone on their best behaviour. Pick someone you are comfortable with." The teacher told us, and I looked to my hands, afraid to move.
"Hey, Bella. Be my-"
"Not a chance, Newton." Emmett snapped from beside me, causing me to jump. I saw him glare to Mike and shook his head.
"I'll be pairing with Bella." He insisted and I felt mildly relieved and yet terrified all at once. I didn't speak as Mike rolled his eyes, moving to find another partner. I sat beside Emmett for a solid minute before the teacher spoke.
"Great, I see some good pairings…Tasha, no. Jesse and Kyle are looking for partners. You can't partner with Becca." He advised, motioning for them to split off. Once he was happy with every pairing he nodded. "Ok. So, talk to your partner about the moves you just saw, and start practicing the motions. I don't want to see any contact today because I don't want anyone getting hurt. On Monday, Jerry and Lisa will have some volunteers from their classes here to help guide us through the actual application of these defensive moves." He instructed and I saw Emmett stand out of the corner of my eye. I took a deep breath and stood slowly, following him to one of the corners of the gym.
"You alright?" he asked after a moment and I didn't look at him, still feeling sick. "Bella?" he asked, and I finally glanced to him, the concern in his voice obvious.
"No." I said quietly, and he nodded.
"Why don't we just get an exemption for you?" he asked, and I shook my head.
"And have people ask questions? No." I said quickly, and he sighed.
"You really want me pretending to attack you?" he asked quietly, and I watched him for a moment, my eyes wide and nervous.
"It's better than the entire school finding out." I replied in a low voice, and I saw him soften. "I'm surprised you wanted to be partners with me anyway." I mumbled and he sighed.
"Well, I wasn't going to…then I realized you'd be stuck partnering with someone like Newton." I looked down at his words and felt my chest aching. He didn't want to partner with me…he just knew I'd never be able to let anyone else touch me. He huffed at my reaction.
"Not like that. I meant…I wasn't going to make you pair with someone that looks just like him." He mumbled and my eyes darted to him, not even thinking that far ahead. He did look just like Aaron. And he was going to have to pretend to attack me.
I took a few rapid deep breaths at the thought.
"Hey…breathe. It's ok. We only do what you can do. Fake an injury…blame me. Whatever you have to do to get out of it, just don't do anything you can't handle. Understand?" he asked, face serious. I watched him for a moment before he looked away, standing a few feet away from me.
"Ok everyone, start with the hammer strike. Keep it straight and used force." Jerry instructed, giving us the go ahead to start the motions. I took a deep breath, my heart barely in it. After a minute Jerry nodded. "Great job. Ok now give the groin kick a shot. Keep the leg straight, and straight up. There you go guys." We went through the different strikes for the next ten minutes until class was over.
"Alright, great job today guys. I expect everyone to come to class Monday prepared for responsible, safe combat. Have a good weekend." He said, dismissing us. I started walking back to the change room right away, not bothering to say anything to Emmett. It was weird enough without trying to come up with pleasantries at this point. It only took me a few minutes to change and get back out to the hall, finding both Emmett and Jasper coming out of their change room as well. We stood against the wall waiting for Alice, all of us leaving together to go straight to Jasper's.
"What could possibly be taking her so long today. We didn't even do anything." Emmett complained and I glanced to Jasper, who looked to Emmett.
"Man, chill out. What's with you today?" he asked, and Emmett sighed.
"Nothing I'm just tired of always waiting on her." He mumbled and Jasper shook his head.
"Or you're in a shitty mood and taking it out on your sister." He challenged and Emmett rubbed his hand down his face, not replying. Jasper turned back to the doorway, seeing Alice come out and smiled to her.
"Ready to go, babe?" he asked, and she nodded, smiling too.
"Yup! Who's going with who?" she asked, glancing between me and Emmett. I just shrugged, not necessarily wanting to face his mood one on one. Jasper took Alice's hand.
"I'll take Alice and Emmett can take Bella?" he asked, giving me a look. I fought the urge to roll my eyes, knowing he was trying to get us to just talk it out. He didn't realize it was far too complicated for that.
"Awesome. I don't see anything wrong with that. See you guys at Jasper's!" Alice called as she started pulling Jasper away and down the hall. I watched them go before looking to Emmett who was staring at the wall.
"You have your stuff?" he asked, and I exhaled, shaking my head.
"No, I have to go to my locker first." He nodded and we walked to my locker in silence, stopping at his next, and walking out to his Jeep. Once we were buckled in, he pulled out of the lot and headed towards Jasper's house. After about two minutes of silence, I felt bold.
"What's going on with you?" I asked and he didn't look to me, shaking his head.
"Nothing."
"I know you better than that." I challenged, causing him to falter, glancing to me.
"You think so." He mumbled and I nodded.
"I know so."
"Don't worry about it." He told me dismissively and I sighed, looking out the window.
"Sure." I said quietly, just watching the scenery going by. He didn't say another word for the rest of the drive.
"Bella!" Caleb yelled, running and throwing himself into me, knocking us both over. I laughed, lifting my head to look at his grinning face.
"Caleb! You can't do that with Bella, you're going to hurt her." Jasper scolded and I shook my head, ruffling his hair.
"It's fine, he won't hurt me." I told him, looking back to Caleb. "Hey buddy! How are you? Are we going to have fun tonight?!" I asked excitedly and he nodded fast.
"Yes! We're gonna play high speed chase! And watch my movie!" He said loudly and I laughed, sitting up. Jasper offered me his hand and I stood, taking my boots off and unzipping my coat, Emmett watching me nervously.
"Oooo, what's your movie?" I asked and he jumped up and down excitedly.
"TOY STORY!" He yelled and I exaggerated a surprised face.
"WHAT! That's MY movie!" I told him, just as loud and he laughed manically.
"NO!" I sighed loudly and shrugged.
"Fiiiiine. Will you share the movie with me?" I asked and he grinned, nodding after a second.
"Ok." He said happily and grabbed my hand, pulling me to the kitchen.
"What's all the yelling about?" Aunt Kerri asked as we all came into the kitchen, and I laughed.
"Just Caleb laying out our movie plans for tonight." I told her and she laughed.
"Ah yes, Toy Story. That's all we watch around here." She said with a sigh, and I laughed, sitting at the island and picked Caleb up to put him on my lap.
"Sounds like Jasper." I teased and Kerri nodded
"Oh my God I swear we watched Toy Story twenty times a day." She said, looking to him and he shrugged
"You're welcome." He told her and she laughed
"Alright so we are going to get going. I put the hotel name and address on the fridge, and our phones are fully charged so if you need us, just call. I put fifty bucks on the table, order a pizza or something on us." She told us, giving me and Jasper each a hug. "And you," she started as she pulled back from me. "Your dad called me today. Said to make sure you get a meal in." She said with a pointed look. I felt my eyes go wide, embarrassed. "Sorry baby, but he's just looking out for you. Jasper? Make sure your cousin eats." She told him and he glanced to me before nodding. Kerri called for Ben, and they left with a final goodbye to us all and kiss for Caleb. I kept my focus on Caleb as he got down and went to sit at the table, feeling eyes on me.
"Miss Marie." I glanced to Jasper, nerves flaring. "What's going on? I thought things were improving?" He asked and I shrugged, watching Caleb start to colour.
"Yeah." Was all I could think to say.
"So, what happened?" He asked and I exhaled deeply.
"Flux and flow, Jasper. I don't know what to tell you." I told him, not wanting to get into it.
"What are you eating each day?" he asked, and I sat beside Caleb, smiling at his work.
"I don't know. I'm eating. Isn't that good enough?" I asked dismissively and he sat beside me.
"I just worry about you, Bella. I'm just trying to check in here." He told me and I sighed, looking to him.
"I appreciate that. But you don't have to worry, I've just been in a slump lately. I'll be fine." I told him and he watched me for a moment before sighing. He nodded and glanced to Alice.
"Ok." I turned my full attention to Caleb, and he handed me a crayon.
"You can colour too." He told me and I smiled, colouring a rocket ship on his colouring book. We sat like that for a bit, the other three in conversation. Well, Alice and Jasper were. Emmett just sort of chimed in whenever he was asked something directly.
This was working out to be a very awkward night.
"I'm going to steal Bella for a little girl time. Can you show Jasper and Emmett how to play?" Alice asked Caleb, who was in the middle of playing high speed chase with me. He watched her for a moment before nodding.
"Ok. But then Bella can come back and play." He told her and she smiled, nodding.
"Of course." She grabbed my hand and smiled to the guys.
"We will be back." She told them and we left the toy room and I followed her up to Jasper's room. We'd finished dinner about an hour ago and I'd managed part of a salad from the pizza place. I didn't want any pizza and really was a bit on edge that we'd even ordered it. I could tell that Jasper wasn't pleased with my portion size, but my stomach was in knots after today. I sat on the bed with Alice, and she smiled to me.
"How are you feeling? Stomach upset?" she asked, and I nodded, forgetting for a second that she knew all about this stuff.
"Yeah…even the salad isn't quite sitting right." I told her and she nodded, giving me a sympathetic look.
"I'm sorry, girl. That's really tough. Anything bothering you?" She asked and I took a deep breath, looking to my hands.
"Loaded question." I said with an uncomfortable laugh, and she smiled.
"It always is." I nodded.
"Can…I ask you a question first?" I asked and she nodded, crossing her legs on the bed and giving me her full attention. "Why…did you start?" I asked and she watched me for a second before realization came over her face. She looked down to her hands and took a deep breath.
"That's fair. Um…honestly? I…I've never told anyone this before." She started and I furrowed my brow, turning my body fully toward her too.
"Not even your family? Jasper?" I asked and she shook her head.
"No…I never knew how to get the words out." She told me, taking a minute to collect herself. "Ok. Um…when I was a freshman, this really cute guy invited me to a party on a Friday night and I was way too excited. He was this cool Junior, and he was unbelievably hot; I had a big thing for him. He played football with Emmett and was always tossing me winks and smiling to me when I'd come to the games. Anyway…I was really excited, and I didn't want my parents telling me I couldn't go so I told them I was going to a friends. I went to the party, and it was amazing. He kept putting his arm around me and holding my hand…we were drinking and having a good time. I…" She trailed off and I felt my face settle into concern as her demeanour changed. She took a deep breath, trying to collect her thoughts. "He asked if I wanted to slip away…we went up to a spare room and he…he started kissing me and we were making out on the bed when he tried to take my clothes off. I got nervous so I told him no, I wanted to wait. He um…he kept trying to…to do it anyway and got his hands up my skirt. I finally I was able to shove him off and he was pissed. He told me…" she looked to her hands, tears now flowing down her cheeks. I reached out and grabbed her hand, horror on my face at her confession. "He thanked me for stopping him because…I was just a fat ass he'd regret in the morning anyway. He told me if I ever wanted to find a guy, I'd better lose some weight because the only way anyone would want me is if they were too drunk to notice." I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her to me, hugging her tight as she cried. I felt tears rolling down my own cheeks, my chest aching for her.
"I'm so sorry." I whispered to her, and she sniffled, nodding her head.
"Thank you." She whispered back. I held her like that for a few minutes until she pulled back, giving me a sad smile. "It feels really good to finally tell someone that." She told me and I nodded, wiping a tear from my eyelashes. "It hit me so hard…he was this incredible picture to me of that perfect high school crush and to hear him say that…I lost myself. I started cutting meals slowly and it spiralled out of control so fast. Then suddenly people were complimenting me on losing a few pounds and thinning out and I became addicted. I suddenly had girls like Jess and Lauren following me around and wanting to be like me. I had guys asking me to parties and they seemed really interested in me. It just felt amazing…until it didn't. Until it was…my parents cornering me and asking me when the last time I ate was. Until I was trying not to pass out in gym class because I hadn't eaten in days and was running laps. The shittiest part was when I realized I was in too deep and I needed help…but people were still constantly complimenting me. The all found it so perfect…I was this 'perfect' after picture to them and inside I just…I wanted to stop but I really didn't. It took a long time for me to release the affect the compliments had on me to understand that I needed to start healing or…" she took a deep breath and looked up to meet my eye. "Or I was going to die." She told me quietly. I sniffled; my eyes filled with tears.
"How did you follow through?" I asked and she nodded, holding my hands in hers.
"It wasn't easy. There was a lot of flux and flow as you put it earlier. I'd be good for a few weeks then off for a few months. It took a lot of practice, a lot of therapy, and a lot of support. I don't know…one day last summer I was sitting by the pool here with Emmett, Jasper, Jess, Lauren, and Jake and just…" she trailed off, her eyes shining and her mouth twisting into a smile. "Jasper came up to me and sat down and asked me how I was doing. He told me he was so proud of me because I'd put on a few pounds and that he couldn't wait for the next few. And the next and the next. And I don't know…the way he looked at me I just felt this spark. I could see he really was looking at me, you know? Not at my weight, not at my popularity. That he cared for me. It…did something to me. I started eating a bit more and a bit more. With every pound he was so excited…" she smiled at the memory. "I don't know it felt like I finally found someone that didn't want this 'after picture'. He wanted the before…he praised the before. It felt like he undid everything that Junior said to me. That I could finally start to tell myself that guy was wrong…he was just some dick with a bruised ego and shitty manners. Between that moment and Emmett's relentless support…it all fell into place. I felt loved again and it made me want to love myself again too." She finished and I took a deep breath, tears leaking freely down my face.
"Thank you for sharing that with me." I whispered and she smiled, nodding.
"Thank you for asking. It's…different having someone around who actually knows and cares. Even after our extensive friendships, none of my friends at school ever noticed I was sick. Having you around has been really wonderful, Bella. I hope you know that." She told me and I let out a quiet sob and she took me into her arms and gave me a comforting hug. After a minute we pulled back and composed ourselves.
"Can I ask you the same question?" she asked gently, and I took a deep breath, nodding.
"I don't know how much you know already but…um…my ex-boyfriend Aaron was abusive. He would always tell me how fat I was and how he was embarrassed to be seen with me. He started encouraging me to eat healthier…and when that wasn't to his liking, he…he just started discouraging me from eating at all. Then it was…physically enforced. I'd do weigh ins every time I went to his house and if I hadn't lost anything, I was in trouble. Sometimes that meant he wouldn't let me eat, other times it meant I'd get hurt. It usually depended on his mood. He cut me off from everyone until I was just…alone." I told her and saw her eyes glittering with tears.
"Oh my God." She whispered and I looked down to my hands.
"I understand what you mean by addicted because after a certain point…I just couldn't stop. I know I'm doing more harm than good but it's so hard to actually believe that I need to get better. A huge part of me wants this and then a small part of me just wants to keep going. That maybe I'll find some weight where I'm actually beautiful…or loveable." I said, tears leaking down my cheeks. I felt her grab my hands and took a watery breath. "I know he's gone; I know he's not here anymore. But…everyone just left me. My boyfriend told me every day about how fat and ugly I was. My mom stopped caring when she started her new family, and all of my friends were so quick to let me push them away. My mind just continues to tell me how easy I am to leave and that nothing I have is permanent. That I need to become someone who is worthy of…" but I trailed off, looking down as tears dripped onto our hands.
"Worthy of what?" she asked quietly, and I shook my head.
"Worthy of you guys. Worthy of your friendship…of my dad being too attentive. Worthy of…" but it hurt too much to say it.
"Tell me." She encouraged and I took a deep breath, looking to her.
"Emmett and I kissed." I told her suddenly, and her eyes immediately went wide, shock on her face.
"What?!" She exclaimed and I nodded. "When?!" I sniffled.
"Like…over a month ago. The week of the sleepover. We…we made out a few times that week and then things started getting…heated. He told me we needed to stop doing it and I just felt…stupid." I confessed and I watched her blink, opening and closing her mouth in shock. "I know he was right to put an end to it and honestly I was in over my head. I…have a really hard time being touched and I can't even think of letting someone be with me in that way after what Aaron put me through but…I don't know. I wanted to see if I could do it and I felt so unbelievably comfortable with Emmett. He's been the most amazing person to me…I just felt safe, you know? He knows everything… he knows the whole story of what has happened to me and I just…knew I could trust him." I told her and she finally closed her mouth, nodding.
"I can see that." She told me and I sighed.
"Then he said it was a mistake and we needed to stop…and I just felt foolish. The embarrassment almost killed me right there on the spot." I told her and her brow furrowed.
"Oh my God…were you two…in our basement?!" she asked, and I exhaled, nodding.
"He had just stopped us…like a few minutes before you came down." I told her and her hand flew to her forehead.
"Oh my God…I knew something had to have happened with you two…but I was not expecting this." She told me, still overcome with surprise. I nodded.
"I took it to heart, I guess. I thought we were kind of just…enjoying ourselves but then he told me we couldn't do it anymore and I realized he just wasn't as into it as I was. and I mean…I can see why." I told her and she immediately shook her head, face serious.
"No. No don't even think that." She insisted and I shrugged.
"It's true though. He's used to getting girls like Jess and Lauren and then here I am throwing myself at him and he told me it was a mistake. I know I'm not his type, and that's ok I just felt really, really dumb." I told her and she opened and closed her mouth again before pursing her lips. "The night we all had that talk at school, Emmett came to my house, and we had a long talk about everything and I only made it worse. I called him out about not being into it and he didn't take that well…but I know he's holding something back; I could see it on his face when I brought it up. He's being nice and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but I know I made an ass of myself. After that…things have been awkward. I think neither of us really know what to do or say to get past the weird factor." I explained and she took a deep breath.
"Wow." She breathed and I nodded. "So…wait. You said you wanted to be worthy of…what. Emmett?" she asked in a hushed voice, and I rubbed my forehead.
"I don't know. It would be nice not to feel like such a joke. He's this amazing, gorgeous guy and I'm…this. Maybe things wouldn't have ended the way they did if I deserved him." I told her quietly, looking to my hands. She grabbed my shoulders and shook me slightly.
"Stop. That's not true." She insisted and I shook my head.
"That's what you have to say." I told her and she shook me again.
"No. That's the truth. Girl, Emmett adores you. He wouldn't have made out with you just because he took pity on you. What did he say his reason was?" She asked and I shrugged.
"That he didn't want to hurt me. He…he looks just like my ex. They are like the same build, same features. And he said he was afraid I'd regret what we were doing so he wanted to just stop." I told her and her eyes flashed knowingly but she pursed her lips. After a moment she looked down, swearing under her breath.
"Fuck. Ok. Why don't you believe him?" She asked and I shrugged.
"I do believe him. I know he values my friendship…I know he cares about me. But…I got us caught up in this mess when I came onto him, and I just feel like he was looking for a way out and was really lucky he had such a valid reason. I know he didn't want to ruin our friendship over something so ridiculous but…"
"Do…do you like him?" she asked, and I furrowed my brow.
"What? No…I…" I trailed off and sighed. "I mean…it's hard because Emmett is everything I wanted when I started dating Aaron. I fell so hard and so fast for him and then found out he was nothing like the person he portrayed in public. Then I met Emmett and he's just as gorgeous and attractive, but also sweet and kind and funny and smart and…everything that I fell for with Aaron. Except…Emmett is real. I don't know, it's…confusing to be around him. Part of me wants to just keep my distance knowing its stupid and ridiculous and the other part wants to just grab him and tell him he's mine now." I confessed, being far too honest with Alice about her brother. Her eyes were bulged, and she looked like she was about to explode.
"Bella, I want you to really listen to me here, Emmett is not just looking for girls like Jess. He think's you're amazing…and I can guarantee you that he enjoyed himself just as much as you did. My brother is reserved and careful when it comes to girls, and I think he was just…I think he realizes how real your friendship is and he got scared to fuck it up." She told me and I looked to our joined hands.
"What if it's too late? I mean…he's been really standoffish since then. Maybe I made it too weird. You know like…when that person you're just not into hits on you or asks you out and you just feel weird around them after that? And nothing they do makes it better. That's me in this scenario. I just…kissed him. I kept telling him it was ok to push it further and further and he said it was a mistake." I told her and she looked to our hands and shook her head.
"Remember when I said I believed what that guy told me? And how I just needed to keep going because then people would finally want me? Do you think that was true?" she asked, and I furrowed my brow.
"What? No, that guy was a fucking idiot." I told her and she nodded.
"Exactly. This voice in your head telling you that you're this loser that came onto the popular good-looking guy and you look like a joke? That's your 'fucking idiot'. That voice in your head is only there to hurt you; that voice belongs to Aaron." She reasoned and I blinked at her a few times.
"What?" I whispered and she nodded.
"That voice didn't exist until Aaron created it. That voice is him trying to keep you from finding your value and being happy. It's his hold on you and until you start telling that voice to shut the fuck up, he will keep his hold on you." I felt tears in my eyes at her words, them hitting my chest painfully. I'd never thought of it that way.
"Do you…think Emmett would still want to be friends?" I asked and she smiled, pausing a moment before she spoke.
"Absolutely." I took a deep breath and nodded, looking to our hands. "So…what happened today?" she asked, and I shrugged, looking back up to her.
"I have zero clue. Things have been weird but manageable between us since we had that talk but when I got to class this morning he was in a weird mood. He just…stopped talking to me basically. I asked him about what was going on on the way here and he just brushed me off." I told her and she furrowed her brow.
"So, nothing happened between you? What was he doing when you came into class?" She asked and I shrugged.
"Talking to Jess. He told her to get lost and barely spoke to me." I told her and she looked just as confused as I felt.
"That's weird. He seemed fine when we drove in this morning." She reasoned and I shrugged.
"Maybe something happened in the first two periods? Or maybe Jess said something? I mean…the voice in my head keeps telling me it's that he's decided he doesn't want me around anymore." I said quietly and she squeezed my hand.
"Which we both know isn't true. I'm sure it's just temporary and he will be back to normal tomorrow. Maybe talk to him and tell him you want to be close again." She encouraged and I took a deep, anxious breath.
"What if-"
"No what ifs. He wants to be your friend, Bella. You didn't ruin anything. I promise." She insisted and I forced myself to not respond, knowing the words wouldn't be my own. I smiled to her, and she pulled me into a tight hug.
"Thank you so much for talking to me." She told me and I nodded.
"You too. I promise I won't tell anyone what you told me." I reassured her and she smiled softly.
"Me too."
We composed ourselves and went back downstairs to find Emmett watching TV, Jasper and Caleb nowhere to be found.
"Where'd they go?" Alice asked him and he glanced to us, turning back to the TV.
"Jasper's giving Caleb a bath and getting him ready for bed." He told us quietly and she nodded, glancing to me. We sat on the couch, Alice beside him and me on the far end, looking to the TV to see him watching How I Met Your Mother. I felt a little pang knowing he had promised he'd watch it with me, knowing that ship had sailed a while back. I'd started watching it on my own with my abundance of free time since he and I stopped hanging out one on one. It was pretty good, but I knew it would be better with him.
"You feeling ok?" Alice asked him and he rolled his eyes, not looking to her.
"Yes, Alice. Can you guys leave me alone?" he snapped, and I looked to my hands, my chest aching at his words.
"Ok first off, you're clearly in a mood. Second, that's fucking rude." She said, turning on him and he huffed, standing up.
"Whatever." He mumbled before walking to the stairs and disappearing. I looked to Alice and saw her turn to me, anger on her face.
"Do not take that personally. I have no idea what's got him in such a mood." She told me and I nodded, turning back to the TV. After about five minutes we heard Jasper and Caleb moving around upstairs and soon enough they were coming down to say goodnight.
"Can we play tomorrow?" Caleb asked as he hugged me and I smiled, nodding.
"Of course! I can't wait." I told him and he grinned, nodding. He gave Alice a hug as well and Jasper took him up to bed. I hesitated a minute before glancing to Alice.
"Um…I'll be back." I told her and she looked to me, eyes flashing knowingly.
"Good luck." She told me and I nodded, going up the stairs and making my way down the hall to the guest room. I hesitated at the closed door before forcing myself to knock. He waited a few seconds before calling for me to come in, looking surprised to see it was me.
"Oh, hi." He said, looking back to his phone. I nodded, coming in and closing the door behind me.
"Hi." He didn't look up and I took a step towards him. "Can we talk?" I asked, knowing I needed to just say what I needed to say before I lost my nerve. He slowly looked to me before nodding, putting his phone down on the bed. I approached him, pausing at the foot of the bed. "Can I sit?" I asked and he nodded again, watching me curiously, though his eyes were guarded. I took a few moments to compose my thoughts.
"You can sit there and tell me nothing is wrong, to not worry about it, that it's none of my business…you can get mad at me for asking and tell me to get lost but, I'm not going to stop asking." I started; his eyes now glued to mine. "I do know you better than that and I know something is seriously bothering you. And I'm not going to stop trying to figure out what it is." I insisted and he only watched me for a moment.
"Why?" he asked, and I furrowed my brow.
"Why? Really? Because I care about you, Emmett. I miss you like crazy, and I hate that any of this ever happened because all I want to do is grab you in a hug and tell you everything is going to be ok. Because you mean a lot to me, and you've been there for me through a lot, and now it's my turn to be there for you. So, you can stall, you can get mad or try to ignore me but I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on." I told him honestly, crossing my legs and putting my hands in my lap. I watched him expectantly and saw his eyes soften and his stone demeanor falter.
"You miss me?" he asked quietly, and I nodded, my hand rubbing my chest.
"Of course I do. You're my best friend." I told him and he hung his head, not replying. "I'm sorry if I hurt you, I never meant to. I just…needed time to work through everything going on in my head and I know that sucks but…I never stopped caring about you. You're really important to me and it hurts me to see you so upset." I said, the voice in my head telling me to shut up and stop making a fool of myself. I pushed it down, seeing Emmett's resolve weaken, knowing I was getting through to him. "Please…just tell me what's wrong so I can make it better." I told him softly and he exhaled deeply, looking to me with unshed tears in his eyes. He hesitated before opening his mouth to speak.
"This morning, Jess was trying to get under my skin about you. She asked me to ditch you guys this weekend and go to her place and…when I said no because I was spending time with you, Alice, and Jasper, she told me we don't even seem that close anymore. She just…got to me. We haven't been close. It feels like we aren't even friends anymore and when she started laying into me about it all, it just made me feel like maybe we couldn't get what we had back. I miss you too…a lot. And I didn't want to pull away I just had no idea what I could even do to fix it. Then you told me I could ditch this weekend and it stung because all I've wanted is to hang out with you. But all day it just kept feeling like we really were beyond the point of fixing this." He confessed and I softened at his words.
"Emmett…I'm really sorry I made you feel that way. I know I've been really hard to talk to and I've kind of been slapping away every attempt you've made to make us better." I told him and he watched me for a moment before shrugging.
"I'm not mad at you…you don't need to be sorry. I understand it's hard to be in your head sometimes." He said and I took a deep breath, nodding.
"Yeah…I'm finding that to be more and more true." I said quietly and he hesitated before looking to my hand.
"Can…I hug you?" he asked timidly, and I felt nervous, every inch of my headspace filling with angry yelling.
He doesn't want you.
You're not good enough for him.
You look like an idiot.
He's just being nice.
He's taking pity on you.
I took a deep breath before nodding and he immediately took me in his arms, holding me firmly to his chest. I let the warmth envelope me and wrapped my arms around his neck, letting his touch slowly drown out all the insults. I breathed him in and melted into him completely.
"I missed you so much." He whispered, his voice catching in his throat, and I felt tears in my own eyes.
"I missed you too." I whispered back, feeling more complete than I had in a month.
"Can we just be ok again?" he asked, and I nodded against him.
"Yes please."
Thanks for the reviews, guys! Keep them coming. I'm literally going to start the next chapter right now because I just can't stop lol!
Song: The Lakes – Taylor Swift