TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of assault.
Chapter Twelve
We've been swimming on the edge of a cliff
I'm resistant, but going down with the ship
It'd be so nice, right? Right?
If we could take it all off and just exist
And skinny dip in water under the bridge
Skinny Dipping – Sabrina Carpenter
Emmett POV
I felt relief fill my chest as she nodded against me.
"Yes please." I hugged her even tighter, not wanting her to disappear. Being without her touch the last month has been pure torture for me, her distance slowly eating away at me. When Jess called it out today, I had fears and flashbacks of returning to the way things were before Bella got here and I felt devastated. I didn't want to go back to that life…I wasn't sure I could. I needed Bella and I knew she needed me too. She just wouldn't let me in enough to help her. Watching her lose weight this past month and deteriorate was killing me; I felt helpless and useless. I knew forcing her to talk to me before she was ready would only make things worse and drive an even bigger wedge between us, but not saying anything was undoing all the progress we'd made.
On top of it all, all I wanted to do was grab her and kiss her and never stop. I wanted to take back my words and keep her for my own. I wanted to touch her the way she'd begged me to touch her and show her how amazing it could be to be handled properly. I wanted to kiss away every wound and scar Aaron had left on her mind and soul and just help her start fresh with me.
And that fucking terrified me.
I felt her pull back and watched her smile to me, letting me take her hands in my own.
"Can we just…go back to the way things were? Like…right before the kissing?" She asked and I chuckled, nodding.
"Oh, so you mean take away all the fun stuff." I teased and she laughed, nodding.
"Precisely." She confirmed and I nodded, smiling to her.
"Absolutely." I assured and she exhaled like a huge weight had been take off her shoulders.
"Thank God." She said quietly and I chuckled.
"Was that even a question?" I asked and she hesitated before nodding.
"It gets pretty loud up here sometimes." She told me, pointing to her head. I nodded, putting both my hands on her cheeks.
"The voices are wrong. I promise you." I told her and she smiled, nodding.
"I know." I took her hands again and waited; she looked like she had more to say. "I…had a really good talk with Alice. And she helped put it in perspective for me." She told me and I felt panic rising in my chest. She hadn't outed me, had she?
"Did she?" I asked and Bella nodded.
"Yeah…she reminded me that the voice in my head…it's not logic…it's not even me. It's him." I furrowed my brow, before realizing what she meant. "He's got this hold on me still and everything I tell myself is what he wants me to think. I couldn't separate that from my inner voice, and it all started to just become one. I don't know…Alice putting it into those words really helped me to realize that I'm not being foolish or setting myself up for embarrassment to try and push those voices down." She explained and I smiled, nodding.
"That's really good advice." I agreed and she nodded as well.
"Yeah. I'm sorry I put you through all that. I was just so embarrassed, and I wouldn't let myself forget it. I just replayed it all in my head over and over again until I wanted to be sick. I thought that if we just took some time apart that we could forget it happened but…I feel like it only made us both miserable." She told me and I sighed.
"I understand though. And it doesn't even matter anymore because we are ok, right?" I asked and she smiled, nodding.
"Right."
"Do…you believe me? What I said about…just wanting to protect you?" I asked, afraid to open old wounds, but needing to know where we stood. She looked thoughtful, eyes on our hands.
"I do believe you. It's hard to process internally…that voice keeps trying to make me feel stupid. But I do believe you and one day maybe I'll be able to stop the inner monologue."
"I'll do everything I can to help. I care about you so much…I just…that night you got scared of me? I kept picturing going a step too far with you and having you get scared in the middle of something that I couldn't easily fix. If I ever hurt you, I'd never forgive myself. I just felt like…you need more time. I didn't want to take advantage of you, and it felt like that's what I was doing." I explained and her eyes flickered with emotion.
"You weren't taking advantage of me." She told me and I nodded.
"I know that would never be my intention…but I know deep down that you aren't ready, and if I just let you make that decision in the moment, I would be taking advantage. I can't do that to you." I told her and she watched me for a moment before nodding slowly.
"That makes a lot of sense. I'm really sorry I put you in that position." She told me and it felt like maybe I'd finally gotten through to her. I watched her carefully, shaking my head.
"No, it's ok. I just knew it was something I had to do. I don't regret what happened, but I needed to put your wellbeing above my own selfish need." I explained and she smiled.
"I suppose I owe you a thank you." She told me, playing with my fingers. I got momentarily lost in how amazing it felt to feel her skin on mine again.
"I'll always protect you, Bella." I told her quietly. She looked to me and leaned forward, giving my cheek a soft kiss.
"Thank you." She whispered and I scooped her into my arms, taking her in a tight hug. The last month was torture, but if that's what Bella needed to help gain some clarity…I was glad for it. She was worth the wait.
Bella and I walked down the stairs and into the living room to find Jasper and Alice watching TV. They looked up to us, both confused and expectant, Alice lighting up when she saw Bella's hand in mine.
"Oh, thank God. Are you two cool now?" she asked and Bella laughed, sitting on the arm of an oversized chair. I sat in the chair, and she nodded.
"We're cool." Bella told them and I noticed Jasper giving me a skeptical look.
"So, you're just…fine now." He said and I shrugged.
"Yup." I replied and he glanced between us for a moment.
"Wait so-"
"Jasper, just let it go. They are friends again, logistics don't matter." She told him and I saw her share a look with Bella. I felt confusion on my face until she gave me a knowing look.
She knew.
Had Bella told her during their talk? Why had that come up…what did Alice say? Did she actually tell Bella about my feelings? There were so many things I felt I needed to know but couldn't ask. Jasper dropped it with a final look at me and turned to Alice.
"So, what do you want to do?" he asked her, and she smiled, looking to Bella and I.
"Why don't we just have a few snacks and play a bored game or something? We can listen to some music and just hang out." She offered and Bella nodded.
"That sounds great actually." She agreed and Alice smiled.
"Appetite back?" she asked, and Bella sighed, standing up from the chair.
"Maybe a bit." She mumbled, walking to the kitchen. She disappeared and Jasper looked between Alice and me.
"What's going on? I leave for an hour, and everything changed." He commented and Alice smiled, patting his arm.
"Just enjoy the improvement." She told him and he sighed, standing.
"Yeah, yeah." He said, amusement on his face. He went to the hall closet, likely to grab some games and I looked to Alice, speaking quietly.
"What do you know?" I asked quickly and she grinned.
"Everything." I felt the panic rising again.
"You didn't…" She shook her head.
"Of course not. But I was interested to find out Bella came onto you." She whispered and I tried not to smile at the thought.
"Just make sure Jasper doesn't find out. Ok?" I insisted and she rolled her eyes.
"Obviously." I sighed and stood, going to follow Bella into the kitchen when Alice grabbed my arm.
"I'm really proud of you for hitting pause on that. You're doing the right thing." She told me and I nodded, knowing it was for the best, no matter how much I hated it. "What was wrong with you earlier?" she asked as an afterthought and I sighed, glancing to the hall where Jasper was.
"I just really missed her." I said quietly and Alice smiled, linking my arm.
"You're really sweet, you know that?" she told me, and we walked into the kitchen to find Bella eating more of her salad.
"Is it good?" Alice asked and Bella nodded, motioning to it. Alice took a bite and 'mmm-ed'.
"Oh damn. That is good. I've never had a salad from there." She told her and Bella shrugged.
"Almost no one gets the salad but it's unreal." She motioned to me, asking silently if I wanted to try too. I walked over and rolled my eyes.
"French dressing? Seriously?" I complained and she laughed, taunting me with her fork.
"You know it's delicious. Just try it." She told me and I sighed, taking the fork.
"Fine." I took the bite and shook my head.
"I'll admit nothing." I told her and she laughed again.
"That sounds a lot like victory." She teased and I couldn't help but smile, just thankful the banter was back. I caught Alice's grin and looked away from her, knowing she was enjoying this far too much since finding out what happened between Bella and me. I went to the fridge, finding a few beers and popped one open, walking back to the island to stand beside Bella, Alice sitting across from us.
"Oh, so you get yourself one and don't offer anything to your two favourite people?" Alice complained and I sighed.
"What can I get you, Alice." I said in a flat voice, and she smiled.
"What are my options?" she asked, and Bella snickered. I fixed her with a stare.
"You can have a beer or get a drink yourself." I told her and she laughed, getting up.
"Fine." She went to the fridge and found a cooler, opening it as she sat back down. I looked to Bella as she ate.
"You having anything?" I asked and she looked thoughtful.
"Um…I mean…I guess one wouldn't hurt?" she asked, and I nodded.
"What would you like?" I asked and Alice slapped the counter.
"Where was this hospitality when I wanted a drink?" she asked, and I shrugged. "I guess I forgot Bella gets special treatment." She said with a wink at Bella, and I saw her go red.
"Wow." Bella laughed and I gave Alice a 'cool it' look. She smiled and took a sip of her drink, pleased with herself. "I'll just…get it myself." Bella said uncomfortably, and I shook my head, putting a hand on her shoulder.
"No. You eat." I told her, shooting Alice a look. "Can you not?" I snapped and she gave us an apologetic look.
"Bella, I'm just joking, I'm sorry… don't feel awkward." She said gently and Bella shifted nervously. I just got her back, and I did not want her to start pulling away now because she felt embarrassed. I ran my thumb over her shoulder and felt her relax a bit, glancing to me.
"Um…a beer would be great." She told me quietly and I nodded. I turned and grabbed another beer from the fridge and brought it over, handing it to her. She opened it and set it to the side, taking another bite of her salad before pushing it away. I glanced to Alice and saw her falter, watching Bella.
"Bella…I'm really sorry. I hope I didn't ruin your appetite." She told her and I could see she genuinely felt bad for making things weird. Bella shook her head and cleared her throat.
"No…it's ok. Um…I just want to have a snack later and I'm already getting a bit full." She said, not looking up. Alice grabbed her hand, forcing Bella to meet her eye.
"Hey. Fucking idiot. Ok?" she told her, and I looked between them, putting a hand on Bella's back.
"Excuse me?" I asked, shooting Alice a glare but Bella shook her head.
"No…its…thanks, Alice." She said with a smile and took a deep breath, her shoulders relaxing slightly. She took a moment before looking up to me and smiled, leaning into my touch. I looked to Alice, and she winked to me, pulling her hand back and taking a drink of her cooler. I watched Bella take a drink as well, looking up as Jasper came in, holding a few board games.
"Well, that was a chore." Bella told him, and he shook his head.
"I swear we have every game known to man. My mom has a problem." He said, putting them down on the counter and eyeing our drinks.
"Oh great, just what I needed." He went to the fridge and grabbed himself a beer before pulling some chips and dip out for us.
"I don't have a ton of snacks." He said, scratching his head and I glanced to the time.
"It's only 8:30…I can run to the store if you want?" I offered and he nodded.
"Would you?"
"Want to come for a ride?" I asked, turning to Bella and she watched me for a second before nodding.
"Sure." She agreed and I fought the smile that wanted to spread across my face that I could finally have alone time with her again. Jasper eyed me again as if he was trying to figure me out and I looked to Alice who stood, grabbing Jasper's hand.
"Awesome! Why don't we get everything set up in the basement while they are gone?" she suggested, pulling focus and I grabbed my keys off the counter and tucked mine and Bella's full beers into the fridge. We walked to the front door, grabbing our coats and putting our shoes on before venturing out into the chill of an April night. I grabbed Bella's hand, causing her to look at me and I shrugged.
"I'm just glad I can do this again." I told her and she smiled, looking away. I led her to my Jeep and opened her door for her, closing it once she was settled in. I went around and got in as well, buckling in and pulled out of the drive, headed to the grocery store in town.
"So…you told Alice?" I asked and she groaned, putting her hands on her face.
"Alice!" I chuckled.
"Well…in all fairness I called her out because I could tell she knew something. So, she didn't really tell me about your conversation." I eased and she put her head back against the headrest.
"Is this like the most awkward thing ever?" she asked, and I shook my head.
"No. Alice is just…Alice. She's involved and enjoys bugging me." I told her and she nodded.
"Yeah, I'm honestly surprised she didn't start asking me when we were going to date." She said and I glanced to her nervously.
"Oh?" She nodded.
"She's been obsessed with us getting together for a long time, I was surprised she didn't start on me. She was pretty reserved about it actually." I was inwardly thankful for that but knew that seemed suspicious. I shrugged.
"Maybe she just didn't want to make you feel weird?" I offered, and she nodded.
"Yeah, maybe." She agreed and turned to me. "Sorry I told her." I chuckled.
"You don't need to be sorry. How did that even come up?" I asked and she sighed, looking out her window, perfectly at ease.
"Well…I don't know, we were talking about just feeling good enough and I said that I wished I was good enough for-" but she cut herself off and I looked to her quickly.
"Good enough for what?" I asked, my chest tight. She sighed, looking to me.
"For…you. What we did. I just wish I didn't feel like it was so one-sided and like…the weird girl coming onto the good-looking popular guy. It would have been nice to feel like…" but she trailed off, looking down. I grabbed her hand in mine and shook my head.
"That's not how I see it at all. I see…this awesome, talented, smart, beautiful girl that trusted me to be that close to her after being through absolute hell. I just had to protect her." I told her honestly and she watched me for a moment before smiling.
"You shouldn't say things like that." She sighed and I gave her a confused look.
"Why not?"
"Because it doesn't help my restraint." She told me, watching me. I felt a wave of need come over me, wanting to just pull over right then and there. I took a deep breath and nodded.
"Noted." I managed and noticed her watching me.
"What?" she asked, and I took a deep breath.
"Testing my restraint with that one." I told her honestly and she laughed, looking to our hands.
"Just focus on the road." She teased and I chuckled.
"Yeah, because it's so easy." I defended and saw her settle into her seat, looking out the window. She pulled her hand back a bit and started drawing on my palm with her fingertips and I rested my hand on her leg. She played with it the rest of the drive and I honestly couldn't think of a better feeling at that moment than the trail of her fingers along my skin.
We pulled into the lot of the grocery store and got out, going into the store. I grabbed a basket and her hand and motioned for her to lead the way.
"What should we get?" I asked and she looked thoughtful.
"Cookies?" she asked, and I nodded, grinning.
"Definitely." I agreed and we went to the bakery, picking out fresh baked cookies. She put a container of oatmeal chocolate chip in, and I glanced to her, earning a serious look.
"They are the best kind, don't even fight me on this." I laughed and nodded.
"Yes, mam." She looked around and back to me.
"What would you like?" she asked, and I held my hand out to her and she came to my side instantly, taking my large hand in hers.
"How about some taquitos?" I asked and she nodded, walking beside me to the frozen section. I was looking at the flavours, enjoying the feeling of Bella's thumb rubbing my hand when I heard her voice.
"Well, well, well. Hot date night at the grocery store." I looked up and saw Jess and Lauren walking down the aisle, eyeing Bella. I watched Jess look at our locked hands and falter slightly, shooting Bella a glare.
"Need snacks to go with beer, right babe?" I asked and she looked up to me nodding, her eyes flickering with humour.
"Of course." I leaned down and kissed her hair before turning back to the taquitos, tossing some chicken ones into the basket before looking to Jess and Lauren. Their faces screamed disappointment and anger which only made me enjoy it more.
"And we can't go to bed on an empty stomach…there's always that." I told them and heard Bella snicker beside me. Jess scoffed and glanced to Lauren.
"Looks like Bella frequently goes to bed on an empty stomach." She shot and I felt her curl into me a bit more. I glared at them as they laughed and bought Bella's hand up to my lips, giving it a reassuring kiss.
"Well at least she's coming to bed with me." I taunted and they both stopped laughing. I gave Bella's hand a squeeze. "Let's get out of here." I told her and she nodded, not looking at them as we walked away. I led us to the checkout and paid for our snacks, scooping her hand back up as we walked back to the Jeep. We climbed in and I turned to her.
"Are you ok?" I asked and she looked to me for a moment before grabbing my jacket and pulling me in hard, giving me a deep, desperate kiss. I felt surprised at first, not knowing what to do, but managed to respond by moving my lips over hers, my left hand finding the back of her neck under her hair. After a few seconds she pulled back, looking at me.
"I'm sorry…I just needed to get that out of my system." She told me and I nodded, not trusting my voice. She took a few moments before speaking again. "I'm so used to Aaron never wanting to be seen with me. He never would have held me closer or tried to defend me. He definitely wouldn't have made a good-looking girl aware that he was with me…and he never would have come out here and checked on me. And you…" she trailed off, looking to me, her eyes clouded with unshed tears. "You're really good to me. And sometimes that's really confusing." She told me and it felt like my chest was exploding with happiness and excitement over her words and actions.
"Bella, he's a fucking idiot. You're the coolest girl I've ever met…and if…if I was him? There's nothing I'd want more than to show you off." I told her, taking a chance on my words. I didn't want to directly say 'if you were mine', but…it's how I felt. She watched me for a moment, her eyes flicking to my lips and back to my eyes. She took a deep breath and shook her head.
"It's…really hard to stay away from you. I know I'm supposed to…and I know I should. But we've been back to normal for like an hour and I'm already struggling." She told me quietly and I nodded, looking to my hands.
"I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the same way." I confessed and she sighed, rubbing her face with her hands.
"What are we doing." She groaned and I watched her for a moment.
"We're…wishing we were six months into the future. We're imagining what it would be like if you were confident in your healing process." I told her and she looked to me.
"Ok, so then it's six months from now. What does that even mean? We are friends that make out? I know it's a lot of fun but that just doesn't sound like a smart plan." She reasoned and I nodded.
"It's not." I agreed and she sighed.
"Then why is that what I want?" she whispered, and I smiled, glancing to her lips. "Don't, you're making it worse." She groaned, looking away from me and I chuckled, grabbing her hand and made her face me again.
"I'm sorry. Look…I'm struggling too. There's nothing I'd like more than to take you back to my house and forget everything we should be doing." Her eyes flashed hungrily at my words, and I squeezed her hand. "But we know where that left us last time. Do we really want to get to a point again where we aren't speaking? I can't let us do what we both seem to really want to do…I just can't. I can't be someone you look at the way you look at him." I finished in a whisper, and she softened, her eyes sympathetic. She reached up and touched my cheek, rubbing her thumb over my skin.
"I couldn't ever see you the way I see him." She told me quietly and I took a breath, wanting to believe her.
"We both know I could startle you though. What happens if we are hooking up and I do something that triggers a memory? What happens if I'm on top of you and you get scared? Last time it took a few minutes to fix but the healing time is multiplied greatly if we are both naked and having sex. That's not going to be easy to just bounce back from." I told her honestly, really wanting her to see the seriousness of the situation.
"But we aren't talking about sex…" she reasoned, and I shook my head.
"But we are. We both know we have too much chemistry to just kiss and make out a little. We were both prepared to do it that night in my basement. And if we hadn't have done it then, it would have happened in my room after the movie. That's why I had to stop us…I knew neither of us had the willpower to just kiss anymore." I told her and she watched me for a moment before sighing and looked to our hands.
"I guess you're not wrong." She said quietly and I nodded.
"I can't hurt you like that." I told her and she looked back to me and shrugged.
"The thing is…I know you won't hurt me. And one day I have to try to get back the physical part of myself and…" she trailed off and looked conflicted. I squeezed her hand.
"What is it?" I asked and she took a deep breath, looking to our hands.
"I can't imagine even attempting it with anyone but you." She said in a low voice. I felt my heart race at her words, the emotions making me feel dizzy.
"Bella…" I whispered and she shut her eyes, groaning.
"I know that's too much. I-" but I grabbed her and pulled her to me, taking her lips in mine. I didn't know what else to do in that moment, just wishing I could act on everything I felt. She moved her lips over mine, her hands reaching up into my hair. I moaned softly into her mouth as she played with my short hair, clearly trying to behave herself. After a few moments I pulled away, her hands resting in mine.
"It's not too much. It's just not something I never want to rush with you. If…if we did that? I…" I trailed off, knowing I was on thin ice with my secrecy. I sighed, not caring at this point. "I wouldn't want the first time to be the last time just because we didn't wait long enough for you to be one hundred percent ok. I…I want you. Long term. And if I have to wait…then I want to wait." I confessed and I saw her eyes go wide, watching me. She opened and closed her mouth a few times before nodding and looking out the windshield.
"I see." She replied and I immediately regretted being so forward. I all but told her I liked her…and that was a big confession to someone who was still getting beaten up a mere two months ago. I went to try to fix it when she spoke.
"I'd…be lying if I said I didn't feel the same way." She whispered and I felt surprise on my face. She looked to me nervously, her eyes wide and unsure.
"I see." I whispered and she took a staggered breath.
"But it's getting really hard to wait." She told me quietly and I felt her hands grip mine. "I'm just tired of waiting." She whispered and I took a deep, calming breath.
"Which is why I have to be the voice of reason." I told her and she looked defeated. "It's really hard for me to wait too…but I know I'm in a much better place mentally than you are, and that means I have to protect you." I told her and she leaned her head back against the seat, taking a moment.
"I understand." She told me quietly and I raised her hands to my lips, kissing them firmly.
"The second you're better? All bets are off." I told her and her eyes flashed again,
"Not fair…you can't say shit like that." She told me and I chuckled.
"Still haven't taken care of business?" I asked and she groaned.
"No." she mumbled, and I smirked.
"Maybe start there and see how it goes." I told her honestly. She watched me for a moment before sighing.
"Is it weird that being alone seems scarier than being with you?" she asked, and I smiled to her, feeling pride swelling inside me. I grabbed her coat and lightly pulled her in.
"Weird…yeah a bit. But…I like it so it's cool." I told her and gave her a soft kiss. She sighed into my mouth happily and I never wanted to stop. We kissed for a minute before she pulled away, looking up at me.
"Ok but…if we did this…and I promised to behave myself…could we maybe…" she trailed off and I watched her, conflicted.
"What do you mean by behave yourself?" I asked and she shrugged.
"Like…I promised to actually keep it to only kissing. Not try to tease you, not try to push us further. Just kissing." She offered and I wanted to just say yes on the spot.
"It worries me that it's been an hour and we are right back to where we started before it all blew up." I told her honestly and she nodded.
"I know…and I didn't plan on this. But…if we both feel like…this is something we want to happen eventually…then why torture ourselves by creating distance? A lot of people take it slow…they set boundaries and just find other ways to enjoy each other." She reasoned and I watched her for a moment.
"For how long?" I asked and she shrugged.
"Six months. That seems like a fair timeline." She negotiated and I raised a brow.
"Six months, eh. What if one of us does slip up and we do something we shouldn't?" I asked and she shrugged.
"If it's a success…then who cares? And if not… we just reset and decide if it's smart to keep our deal going or not. I know it's a calculated risk but…with every day that we go through that," she pointed to the store and looked back to me. "We are risking this no tolerance thing being broken. Mainly by me." She told me and I chuckled.
"Can't keep it in your pants?" I asked and she shook her head.
"Not when you treat me like that." She whispered. I watched her for a moment before taking a deep breath.
"I don't want to ruin this." I cautioned and she nodded.
"I promise I'll be on my best behaviour. Just kissing." She encouraged and I sighed.
"Come here." I told her quietly, pulling her in again and giving her a soft, deep kiss. She brought her hand to the back of my head, running small circles on the back of my neck with her fingers. She kissed me just as deeply, zero hesitation in her body. I held her slender shoulders for a few more seconds before I broke the kiss, looking to her face. She opened her eyes and smiled.
"I'm hoping that's a yes?" she asked and I chuckled, putting my hand on her face and pushing her away.
"Get out of here." I teased and she laughed, putting her belt on. I grabbed her hand in mine, kissing her fingers before pulling out of the lot, smirking as I looked up and saw Jess glaring at us from her car.
"What took so long?" Jasper asked, looking at his phone. I glanced to Alice and saw her eyes go wide as she looked between us. Her lips pursed and she stayed deadly silent.
"We ran into Jess and Lauren then talked in the car for a bit. Nothing serious." I told him, and he glanced to Bella.
"Were they mean to you?" she shrugged, sitting down on the sectional with her beer.
"Aren't they always?" she asked, and he sighed.
"I'm sorry, Bells." He told her and she waved him off.
"I'm good, no worries." She told him, glancing to me. I sat beside her on the couch, tossing my arm around her like normal and saw Alice almost die in silence. She was going to end up blowing it for sure.
"Can I just ask…what happened here? Bella, just today I was saying you two needed to work it out, and to be honest, you didn't seem very confident. And now…" he trailed off, motioning to our closeness. Bella took a breath, collecting her thoughts.
"Well…honestly it was all a big misunderstanding. We both could have worded a few things differently…and I just felt like I needed some space to collect myself before getting back into such a close friendship. It's hard to be touched when I'm not ok and we just...are close. Being near each other and not doing what just comes naturally felt…strained." She told him, glancing to me and I could feel her double meaning. Jasper nodded, glancing to me.
"And…whatever was bothering you all day long is magically just fixed by this?" he asked, pointing to us and I glanced to Alice before nodding.
"Like Bella said, everything just felt…strained. It took a toll on my mood and Jess got on my last nerve this morning. But we talked it all through and I feel better." He watched me for a moment before sighing.
"You both realize how weird this is, right? You two meet and go from Bella being terrified of you to hand holding and sleeping in the same bed. Yet claim its purely innocent." He said with a pointed look at me. I glanced to Bella to see her shaking her head.
"What does it matter if we are both ok with it and I'm perfectly safe? I thought you'd be happy that your best friend is keeping such a close eye on your cousin." She told him and he watched her for a moment.
"Potentially too close of an eye." He shot, looking at me. I furrowed my brow.
"Says the guy fucking my sister." I shot back and I felt Bella's hand on my chest. Alice grabbed Jasper's arm as well and shook her head.
"Guys, that's enough." She told us and I watched him take a deep breath.
"Ok, but this is different." He told me and I shook my head.
"Different how? Because you're actually with my sister and I'm just close friends with your cousin?" I asked and he huffed.
"Different because you're a player and she's healing from major trauma. And I don't even know what most of it is! I don't get a window in! I just have to assume the worst and try to protect her from everything I can!" he yelled, getting frustrated. I looked to Bella and saw her take a deep breath.
"If…if you knew more, would that help ease your mind?" she asked, and I grabbed her hand that was still on my chest.
"I mean…maybe? I just feel like I barely know you because I don't know what's going on. And it makes me scared that you're not as ok as you let on." He said, softening as he spoke to her. She nodded, sitting forward on the couch and I put a hand on her back, protectively. I didn't want her to get into anything she wasn't ready for.
"Well, what all do you know?" she asked, and he shrugged.
"I know that your ex made you anorexic, and that he was abusive. He separated you from your friends…I know he looks just like Emmett, which scares me that you're so ok with him. But that's it." He explained and Bella nodded, glancing back at me.
"Ok, so let's talk then. Yes, Emmett does look like Aaron…a lot like Aaron. And I've spoke to Carlisle about this already, but when I showed Emmett Aaron's picture and told him that's why I was so afraid of him, he broke down. He couldn't handle knowing someone so similar to him had hurt me so badly. Seeing how protective he was of me…made me realize that Emmett and Aaron are nothing alike. They look similar yes, but…I never need to be afraid of Emmett. And I don't know…them looking so similar is kind of nice sometimes. It makes it feel like…I'm replacing bad memories with good ones." She told him and he looked between us.
"Are you sure that's healthy?" he asked, and she shrugged.
"I think so. I mean…he makes me feel better. How can someone that makes me feel happier be bad for me?" she asked, and he took a breath before nodding.
"I suppose that's fair." He agreed and she nodded.
"And yes, Aaron was abusive, he was really abusive. He forced an eating disorder on me and…physically enforced his rules. Are there…any questions you have about that?" She asked and Jasper watched her nervously. I saw Alice's eyes tear up and realized she knew more than Jasper did.
"Are you sure?" he asked, and she nodded.
"The only reason I haven't told you is because I'm afraid to hurt you. But if me being so close to Emmett makes you this paranoid, then it's time to talk. Ask me anything." She told him and he nodded, looking to me.
"Does…Emmett know more?" he asked and she took a breath before nodding.
"Emmett knows… everything. We've had a lot of talks and I told him all of it." She confessed and he looked to me again before nodding.
"And is he being careful?" he asked, and I felt a bit offended that he didn't trust me. She nodded, looking back at me and grabbed my hand. I sat up to sit near her and kissed her hair, causing Jasper to give me a look.
"He's more careful with me than I ever thought possible. He is constantly making sure I'm ok, asking if he can touch me, asking if I need space or if I'm ok with what he says or does. He doesn't do a single thing without permission." She explained and I saw Alice smile to me, a tear leaking down her cheek. Jasper rubbed his forehead and nodded.
"Why does it sound like this is more than hand holding?" he asked, and Bella faltered. She glanced to me and sighed.
"I was kind of thinking you could ask me questions about Aaron." She specified and he glanced to me before nodding.
"You said he was abusive…and that…he physically enforced his rules. What were the rules?" he asked, and she nodded, holding my hand tightly and took a deep breath.
"I couldn't eat sweets, carbs, fatty foods, most meat, or drink anything but water. I had to have lost weight every time I went to his house, and he didn't want to be seen in public with me." She explained and I felt my temper flaring. If I ever got my hands on this guy, he was dead.
"How did he…physically enforce that stuff?" Jasper asked hesitantly, as if he really didn't want to know.
"Um…he would hit me, shove me, pull my hair. The uh…the time I was in the hospital because I got jumped for my cell phone? He um…he actually beat me up because I asked for a slice of his pizza." She revealed and his face twisted into pain. Alice covered her mouth in shock.
"He put you in the hospital?" Jasper asked and Bella nodded. I pulled her into my side to give us both some comfort.
"That was the first time he beat me up…he went a little crazy. After that he was a lot more careful with not getting himself into trouble." She explained and he rubbed his face.
"The first time." He whispered, looking back to her with tears in his eyes.
"By the end he was hitting me almost daily." She confessed and he hung his head.
"What else?" he asked, and I rubbed her shoulder with my thumb, feeling her shiver.
"A lot of mental and verbal abuse…convincing me I was too fat, too ugly…not worthy of…anything basically." He looked up to her, watching her eyes for a second.
"There's something you aren't telling me." He accused softly and Alice looked at him curiously.
"How do you know that?" she asked, and he glanced to her.
"You and Emmett have your twin thing…Bella and I have ours. What else did he do to you?" he asked Bella and she looked down nervously.
"Don't say anything you're not ready for." I cautioned her, looking to Jasper and he looked between us.
"It's ok. Um…Aaron…was…sexually abusive too." She said quietly and I saw Alice's hand shaking over her mouth, tears leaking down her cheeks. Jasper froze, only staring at her.
"What does that mean?" He whispered and I felt Bella lean into me, not looking up. I pulled her close and kissed her hair, turning to Jasper. I needed to step up for her.
"It means… he was raping her." I told him; my voice laced with pain. Jasper's head fell to his chest, and I watched his shoulders slump, shaking slightly. The room fell silent, and I turned all my focus to Bella, surprised to not feel her shaking. I grabbed her hand, causing her to look at me and realized her tears were locked in her eyes, not a single one fell.
"You ok?" I asked her and she nodded.
"Surprisingly…yeah. It gets a little easier every time I guess." She told me and I nodded.
"This is ok?" I asked her, squeezing her shoulder to indicate I meant our contact, remembering that last time we spoke about this, she didn't want to be touched. She nodded, leaning in to put her head on my shoulder. I held her tightly to my side and waited for Jasper to collect himself.
"Does Charlie know?" he asked suddenly, looking up to her and she nodded.
"Yeah, I told him back in February." She told him and he nodded. I saw him tuck Alice under his arm before eyeing me.
"So that's why you don't like to be touched…not the physical abuse it's…that." He reasoned and she hesitated before nodding.
"For the most part, yes. I can't handle it when someone tries to touch me in a flirty way or looks at me with interest. It just feels way too intimate, and I get freaked out." She explained and he nodded, his tears slowing. He glanced to my hand on her shoulder and furrowed his brow.
"You're really ok with someone that looks just like him touching you?" he asked, and she nodded.
"I wasn't at first, obviously. But…Emmett's proven himself over and over again. I know I don't ever have to be afraid of him." I felt my heart swelling at her words, especially given the context of our night so far. "And for what it's worth? Take it easy on him for being a 'player' as you put it. He's been really sweet." She cautioned him and he eyed me for a moment.
"I know he is…*sigh*. I'm sorry, Emmett. It's just that…it's my cousin and clearly, she's gone through a lot. I just don't want her to be the focus of some one-time thing. Leave that shit for people like Jess and Lauren." He told me and I watched him for a second.
"Do you seriously think I'd do that to your cousin?" I asked him and he hesitated before shaking his head.
"No. I'm just being protective. It would be like me getting too close with Alice a year a half ago. You'd be unhappy about it too." He explained and I thought for a second before nodding.
"I guess you're right."
"If Bella is happy though, does it really matter if they are close?" Alice asked and Jasper looked to her. She shrugged. "She seems pretty ok with him."
"I…" but he trailed off, looking to us and sighed. "I'm just trying to watch out for you." He told Bella and she nodded.
"I know. But…he's your best friend for a reason. Give him more credit than this." She urged and he nodded, looking to me.
"I'm sorry…I don't mean to be a dick. It's even worse than it was in my head and-" but he stopped short, looking down. I knew it was killing him to finally know for sure what Bella had been through.
"I'm sorry." Bella said quietly, her head dropping. He shook his head and looked to her.
"There is nothing you should be apologizing for." He insisted and I heard her sniffle. I gave her shoulder a squeeze and she leaned into me again for comfort. He stood and came over to her, kneeling in front of her.
"I'm so sorry, Bella." He told her quietly and she nodded, letting him pull her from me and into a hug. She cried quietly on his shoulder, and he shut his eyes tight and held her close. I looked to Alice who nodded for me to follow her.
"We are going to give you two a minute." She told them quietly and led me back upstairs to the kitchen. She immediately spun to me, her hand on her forehead.
"Oh…my…God." She exhaled and I nodded, leaning against the counter with my arms crossed.
"I know."
"How long have you known for?!" she asked, and I shrugged.
"Since the night we were here playing kings with Edward. She had a complete breakdown upstairs that he'd even touched her." I explained and she nodded.
"So…wait…is that why you put and end to the kissing and stuff? Because…she can't…have sex with you?" she asked, and I narrowed my eyes at her.
"Excuse me?" I asked, annoyance in my voice. She held up her hands quickly, shaking her head.
"No, no, no. I meant…because you were afraid, knowing she can't do it. Bella said things were escalating and you told her you didn't want to hurt her…it's because he…" but she trailed off and I looked down.
"She…she told me how it happened and I just…" I took a quick breath shaking my head. "Just the idea of being on top of her terrifies me. I look just like him what if…what if she looks up and sees him? Everything we have will just be gone and-" I cut myself off, shaking my head. "I can't let her regret me." I told her honestly and she watched me with sad eyes.
"Emmett…I'm really sorry. I know how hard this must be for you. But please don't give up. She is so drawn to you, and I think this could really be something amazing for you." She told me and I took a deep breath.
"She…she asked to start things back up again." I confessed, really needing advice. Her eyes went wide, and she nodded.
"I knew you two were taking far too long." She commented. "Did you…kiss again?" she asked, and I sighed, rubbing my hand down my face.
"Yeah, like ten times. It…once we start it's impossible to stop. She said she could promise me it won't be more than kissing for like…six months to make sure she's mentally and emotionally prepared but…I don't know." I said, shaking my head. Alice walked over and leaned beside me.
"What don't you know?" she asked, and I shrugged
"Anything. Is this even a good idea? She was getting the shit kicked out of her two months ago. And now…she wants to make out with me? Am I just taking advantage of her if I agree? Is this just going to blow up in our faces again? Is this just some traumatic way to heal because I look like him? Am I even good for her? Can I be what she needs? I'm not…I'm not this guy. I hook up and tell girls to get lost and now…this is a future dated commitment. This is six months of anticipation that we are going to lead to more and…I've never given that type of thing to anyone. What if I don't follow through? What if I hurt her? What if we get to a point where we can't wait anymore and she fucking hates me…what happens if-"
"Emmett, stop." She interrupted, putting a hand on my arm. "Do you not see yourself with that girl? I've never seen you be this person with anyone…and I think that's an amazing thing. I know it's risky given the situation but…your last worry should be if you are capable of being someone's boyfriend. You're basically already her boyfriend without the commitment or label. You guys do everything a couple does and you live for it. You were miserable when you were apart. Honestly? I do understand your hesitation…given the circumstances. I know this isn't a typical hookup or relationship and I know that can't be easy on either of you. But it's not going to be easy to stay away from each other either so…you have to decide which is worse. Take the chance that you guys might hit a tough time or two and work through it…or cut that tie. You can't limbo back and forth forever. At some point you have to jump either way." She told me and I watched her, taking a deep breath.
"But how do I know what to do?" I asked and she smiled at me, shaking her head.
"Did you kiss her back?" she asked, and I gave her a look and she smirked. "Did you?" she asked again, and I huffed.
"Yes." She grinned.
"And what did you say when she asked?" I shrugged.
"Honestly…I asked a lot of questions and then…didn't give a straight answer." I told her and she nodded.
"So tonight, when you go up to your room…and she tries to kiss you…what are you going to do?" she asked and I sighed.
"I don't know. Let her? But…ugh…I don't know." She patted my arm and smiled.
"I think you do know. But if you need a week or two to reaffirm it…just tell her that. Tell her you want to be sure this is a good idea before jumping back in again. And when you realize you want this like I know you do, you can just be all in." She told me and I glanced to her, shaking my head.
"You seem pretty confident. It's annoying." I told her and she laughed.
"I just know you. You like her…and that's scary for you. But…it doesn't need to be. Just…break it down into less scary things. Holding hands, kissing, being intimate, going out to eat, staying in and watching a movie, talking about deep stuff…that's what you want with her, right?" she asked, and I took a breath before nodding.
"Yeah." I whispered and she smiled.
"That's all a relationship is. It's just saying…hey. I like you better than every other girl I could be hanging out with right now. And instead of hanging out with them, I only want to hang out with you." She told me and I looked to the floor. It sounded simple enough.
"Why is that so scary?" I asked and she shrugged
"Because it's new and you feel vulnerable. But that's the nice part about being with someone you really care about. Being vulnerable seems less terrifying when you're with them." I looked to her and smiled.
"Thanks, Al. I…I really appreciate this." I told her and she smiled and nudged me.
"Anytime." I looked to the entryway and took a deep breath.
"Think it's safe to go back down there?" I asked and she nodded.
"I'm sure it is. I'll just start the oven for the taquitos, and we can go check on them." She started preheating the oven and motioned for me to follow her back to the basement where we found Bella and Jasper sitting on the couch, both looking a bit lighter.
"How's it going down here?" Alice asked and they looked to us, smiling lightly.
"Good, thanks." Bella told us, looking to me curiously. I watched her nervously and realized she could sense my hesitation. She looked between Alice and I, an unease taking up space in her eyes and I smiled to her reassuringly. She got up and moved to me as I approached them, eyeing me for a moment. I reached for her hand and pulled her to my chest, feeling her relax instantly. I tucked her under my chin and wrapped my arms around her, one hand on the back of her head, holding her close. I glanced to Jasper who watched us for a moment before looking to Alice. Alice only smiled to him and shook her head.
"Just let it go, Jazz. She's ok." She told him quietly and he glanced back to us, before sighing and kissing her on the top of the head, nodding.
"You ok?" I asked Bella and she looked to me, eyes hesitant.
"Yes…are you?" she asked, and I smiled to her.
"Of course." I told her quietly and I saw relief on her face. She tucked herself back in and held me tightly.
"I uh…I'm sorry, Emmett. I'm just protective of Bella but…I shouldn't be so hard on you. I trust you. Just…please…be careful with her." Jasper told me and I looked to him and felt Bella turn to look at him too. He gave us a nervous nod and I could tell he knew something more was going on, but he didn't quite know what or how to feel about it. For now, ignorance was bliss, so I only nodded back.
"Of course." I told him and he took a deep breath, turning back to Alice, who planted a small kiss his lips. I looked back down to Bella, feeling deeply conflicted by my conversation with Alice. I didn't have time to worry about that right now though, knowing the last thing I wanted to do was worry Bella after the emotional night she was already having. I didn't want to give her any more reasons to feel anxious, so I held her close and told myself I'd worry about it all later.
For now, I needed to just enjoy her.
I looked to her as she closed the door, eyes finding mine. She glanced to the bed, dropping her bag on the floor.
"So…um…is this…ok?" She asked and I nodded, furrowing my brow.
"Of course, why wouldn't it be?" I asked and she shrugged.
"I don't know…I guess it's just that we haven't really even been alone in a while…and there's just one bed." She explained and I nodded, scratching the back of my head.
"Does this make you uncomfortable?" I asked, concerned, and she laughed softly, running her hand through her hair.
"I don't think its me who might be uncomfortable." She commented and I watched her for a minute before I sighed, sitting on the bed. She came and sat beside me. "If you're not ok with this…just tell me." She urged and I shook my head, turning to her.
"That's not it…at all. I…" I exhaled and looked to my hands.
"I can tell when you're off. You've been weird since talking to Alice upstairs." She accused and I hesitated before nodding. In truth, I was terrified by the train of thought I had during our conversation. At the end of this six months…was I essentially committing to a relationship? I liked Bella…a lot. But I wasn't a relationship guy. Sure, what Alice said seemed great but at its core, I'd be her boyfriend and that gave me a very uneasy feeling. I wasn't good enough to be anyone's boyfriend, let alone Bella's. She's been through so much and I was hardly the person to date next. But did that mean I wanted to push her away? The thought alone killed me. I glanced to her and felt the unease on my face, and I saw her demeanour shift. Her face fell and she looked to her hands, and I immediately took them in mine.
"Hey…what's wrong?" I asked and she shook her head, taking a deep breath.
"I…I shouldn't have done what I did. I fucked up, didn't I." she said, and I shook my head, grabbing her chin carefully, causing her to look at me. I stared into her nervous brown eyes.
"Not a chance in hell." I told her seriously. She watched me for a moment before moving to turn and I held her still, shaking my head. "Hey…no." I told her gently, glancing to her lips. I leaned down slowly and kissed her, feeling her lips moving on mine immediately. I moved my hand into her hair and kissed her deeply but forced myself not to go too far. I pulled away slowly, resting my forehead on hers. "There is no scenario where I regret today." I told her softly and felt her breath deeply. I pulled back and looked into her eyes, hesitating on my words. I realized Alice was right…I just needed to stall for a bit. "I just…I just need a bit of time." I told her and saw her look to me, the nervousness back in her eyes.
"Ok." She said hesitantly and I gave her hands a squeeze.
"It's just that today has been such a huge turn around…I want to protect what we have as much as possible. I just want to make sure we think this through before jumping back into something that almost ruined us." I told her honestly and watched her process my words. After a moment she nodded.
"I understand."
"Are we ok?" I asked and she nodded, a small smirk on her face.
"Of course." She told me and I exhaled in relief. I ran my thumb over her hand and watched her yawn.
"Tired?" I asked and she nodded.
"Yeah, very."
"Can we…stay together tonight?" I asked and she smiled, shrugging.
"If you're alright with that, sure." She agreed and I smiled, nodding.
"Go get ready for bed." I told her and she nodded, getting up and grabbing her bag. She took some clothes into the bathroom, and I sat on the bed, looking at my hands.
I couldn't just disregard Bella's offer…it was all I wanted. I wanted to be close to her and kiss her and touch her. I wanted to know there was going to be a day when I could touch her unconditionally. But…I was terrified of what that meant. I just needed a few days…maybe a few weeks to work through my fear and get my head on straight.
But as Bella and I climbed into bed together and she curled into my side, her tiny hand on my bare chest and her hair spilling out over my arm, I felt my chest tightening in the best way.
There we go! I hope this added a little 'warmth' to the slow burn for you all *wink*. Don't worry guys, we are getting to some pretty adorable shit.
Review!