"Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?"
- Danielle Laporte
"You asked me once… What this place is. Do you remember?"
"Yes? I mean, that's just a week ago… Wow, I've been here for that long huh?"
"... "This place is closed off from the outside world. It doesn't need a name." I believe that is how I answered you."
"Yup."
"I don't know anymore, though."
The Wanderer's gaze softens, with a hint of sadness in it. "... Is it because of all the questions we've been doing?"
Sighing, the librarian closed the book she was holding and put it on the counter. "I thought I understood this place. I didn't question it for a fraction of a second. I didn't consider it for even a millisecond."
"Must be hard to have that conclusion shown to you out of nowhere?"
"Maybe it's strange of me to ask you this… But… what do you think this place is for me?"
"This place for you?" The Wanderer thinks. Besides Ego Rex, no one is around in this world, so technically, this place is Es's. She has a free will to do as she pleases. "A place where no one can bind you, where you can be yourself."
"Free, you mean? From the Façade? From... you? Am I, really?"
"Es." The frowning Wanderer speaks, "Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I'm not controlling you. And I'll be mad at myself if I do. I don't know why Rex is saying these things to your mind, but I believe everyone can have their own will to choose, and that includes you."
"I suppose... I shouldn't overthink it."
"And I think, this is your own place anyway. Aren't you the librarian here?"
"... Yes. I am, aren't I? It's just as I've been telling you. Your interpretation begets your story. And my interpretation begets mine."
"Then go for it. I may have my own story to write, but your story is your own too."
"Yet, if that is so, then… When you're not here, I'm…"
The Wanderer wants to comfort the girl in front of her. So her hand starts to reach for the girl.
"I'm…"
But then she stops herself, and retreats her hand back to her side. It just felt wrong to touch the girl without permission. Well, she did poked her many times, but this, this is just different.
"Excuse me. I need some time alone, to think. Come see me again."
"Alright, Es. See you soon."
Next day…
"See you soon, I say. Yeah, see you tomorrow." The Wanderer grumbled for her miss timed in her part.
After eating some food she hides in her bag, she proceeds to leave the room and greet the girl who is reading her book as always.
"Hey Es. Sorry I didn't get back yesterday. I didn't know that I was dozing off." Sheepishly said the Wanderer.
"It's alright, Wanderer. Your absence did give me more time to think." Es slowly spoke as she left her book on the counter. "You see…"
When the Wanderer notices how Es slowly shows her emotions, she knows that she needs to listen well to her words.
"I'm even more confused. There's nothing here for me. Nothing, at all." Frustratingly began the girl, "Those books back there? I've read all of them. But it's hilarious really, because I was utterly ignorant. For example, to whom those books even belong?"
She's… rambling. The Wanderer thought but dared not to interrupt the librarian.
"I don't know. I'm not even sure when I read them. These memories I have of having read those books... Delusions I cooked up to hold my sanity? If that is true, then what do I have left? The only thing I have… You're the only… Unless… you're just another one of my delusions."
At that, the Wanderer felt a sudden pain in the heart.
"It doesn't matter if you are. Your visits here with me are the only times… I feel stable. I feel like I can be myself. But when it comes down to it, I don't know… I, I… I, I, I…"
Es looks to the Wanderer where she only offers a smile, encouraging her to continue.
"I use this word so unconsciously. What does it even mean? What does it even refer to? My body? Or, perhaps, my thoughts? If I halved my body, in which half would I reside? If all cells in my body swapped places… Would my "self" just be an optical illusions? The same goes for thoughts. No, those are even less certain. How can I say for certain that those thoughts are my own? My thoughts could belong to some other person I dreamed up. Am I hallucinating that thoughts of someone from a book I read are mine? If I am not my body or my thoughts, then… my interactions?"
The Wanderer felt sick, for she can't help the girl who is in spiral with her self.
"Am I defined by my relation to the world? If no one is here to perceive me… Do I cease to exist? If that is true… I can only despair. For, within this world, there is only the stone wall that denies me. With this world as all I know, I may as well be dead."
The Wanderer ceased her breath in a moment of split seconds.
"If I don't exist without someone here to perceive me… Where do I go when you are not here? If I do not exist when you are not here with me… Does that mean that you… are me? Or am I you?"
That- is a questionable thing.
"I beg of you… Tell me the answer. What am I?"
The Wanderer who has been silent all the while, finally spoke with the answer. "You are you, Es." The Wanderer continues while not breaking eye contact, "And no one can change that."
"Perhaps I am. And yet… I am not."
"No. " She firmly said, "I want you to say, "Yes, I am me." and go back to lecture me about stuff that I'm doing. And I don't like you to say stuff like this." The Wanderer cast her eyes down, "You are a good girl Es, I can feel it. You're just so lonely in this world."
They both become silent until the girl herself breaks it.
"Oh my, how much we have discussed. Ah, but how badly I wanted to hear someone say it." She spoke while smiling a little. "I'm glad that I asked you. It feels like just talking to someone can resolve the issue. Not that I've found any answers, but… I do feel better."
"Good to know I have helped you in some way."
"... I think I will dwell on the mystery of myself for a while longer. I have to stand and face these thoughts. Nothing good comes of avoidance."
"So… is this the time where I am leaving?" Playfully said the Wanderer.
Smirking, the librarian spoke, "See you soon?"
Trading her own smirk, the Wanderer replies. "See you soon. For sure, this time."