Harvey is sitting in the chairs outside of Donna's room with his head hanging down between his hands. His eyes are closed and he is trying to get his breathing under control. The sounds of the hospital hallways go in and out as he tries to focus on his breath. He is vaguely aware that his phone in his hands is ringing as he can see the lock screen light up and knows who is probably on the other end, given the way they left their conversation earlier that evening. But he honestly doesn't care about anyone except the person lying in the room opposite him.
Harvey is trying to will his body to calm down but his mind keeps spinning. I could have lost her tonight. I could have lost Donna. I could have lost Donna tonight. I could have lost Donna. Donna. The thoughts continue to spiral in his head. He has no idea how long he has been sitting there but all of a sudden he feels a hand on his shoulder. Thinking it might be Louis trying to kick him out, he looks up ready to stand his ground.
Instead, he sees Mike looking back at him with a very concerned look on his face. Rachel is just behind him with a very similar look, though Harvey could tell that Rachel's face was showing her worry about Donna rather than him, while the look in MIke's eye showed his concern about Donna but also what he saw in Harvey. Harvey's eyes were red and wet, clearly he had been crying, though Harvey was unaware that he had.
"Hey." Mike quietly speaks in greeting Harvey. Harvey is able to manage a "Hey" back but his voice belies that he has been crying and struggling for some time.
"How is she?" Rachel asks, standing in front of Donna's door.
"Physically she is injured but as far as I know, she will be fine. In time." Harvey looks up, though is unable to give eye contact to either Mike or Rachel. Instead, he looks at some indiscriminate point on the wall.
Mike sits down next to Harvey, patting his shoulder and sitting down to commiserate with him. Mike knew that Rachel wanted to go in and see Donna and while he wanted to as well, he knew that treading lightly was what was needed and they shouldn't overwhelm her.
Without saying a word, Mike nods his head to her to let her know that he would stay with Harvey while she went in and saw Donna. She quietly opened the door and entered the room, closing the door behind her.
"Now. How is she doing, really?" Mike asks. Looking ahead and not at Harvey, knowing that Harvey isn't in a state to face anyone at the moment.
"Not good." Harvey hangs his head back in his hands. "I've never seen her like that."
Mike is taken aback. He imagines Donna all bruised and battered, and while she is carrying some physical reminders of the ordeal, Harvey isn't referring to her physical state. He is talking about her emotional state and really, their relationship.
After just a few minutes inside the hospital room, Rachel quietly exits. Both Harvey and Mike look up, surprised that their interaction didn't last longer, both thinking that perhaps Donna's ire wasn't just centered on Harvey. Rachel quickly dispels this by quietly telling them that Donna was asleep so she just left a note so that Donna would know they had been there. Mike quickly gets up to allow Rachel to sit down and she gives him a look to give her and Harvey a minute to talk amongst themselves, which Mike reads, suggesting he go get some coffee or something to drink for Harvey. Harvey waved him off but Mike left anyway, determined to both give them some time and find something for Harvey, remembering how drained he looked after his previous panic attacks and how he looks similar to that now.
"Was she really asleep or did she kick you out too?" Harvey asks Rachel, keeping his eyes glued to the door to Donna's room.
"She was asleep. I didn't want to wake her up if she was getting some rest just for my sake." Rachel sighs loudly and runs her hands through her hair. "She was sleeping but I've never seen her like that." Rachel takes a long breath, trying to keep her composure, but continues.
"She reminded me of a friend of mine's young daughter. I had been over at their house visiting at night and we went to check on her because of a thunderstorm. She had been all curled up with her blankets covering her entire body with just a little of her face sticking out. Like the blanket was her shield against the thunder and lightning. Donna looked like that, though I could see a small part of her face. Whoever put that kind of fear in Donna…" With those last words Rachel was clearly overcome but she didn't want to break down. At least not here and not in front of Harvey.
With Rachel's last sentence, Harvey couldn't help but close his eyes. He knew that he himself put some of that fear in Donna's eyes and failed to prevent the rest.
"Harvey. I know I am not one to pry and get in people's personal lives and I don't want to break Donna's confidences, but I have to ask what is going on with the two of you? You used to be so in sync with one another. The lengths you and her would go to in order to protect each other. But lately. . . Donna just hasn't been the same. I know me and you aren't the closest, but I can also tell you haven't been the same."
"I don't know Rachel." He does know but is not willing to admit. No matter how they have fought in the past, there was always a connection that remained between them, a string that tied them together. That string always kept them tethered to each other, so they could always find their way back. But over time, some of the threads of that string have become worn and weaker, threatening to break.
Usually they have been able to repair those threads, but over the last few months, Harvey has felt some threads begin to snap. He isn't sure if it is due to relationship with Paula, but he suspects it is, at least partly. He has been trying to nurture this newer connection in his life, hoping it wouldn't come at the expense of other connections.
But he knows and has felt Donna moving away from him. Not only have they spent less time together, but though previously he could read her almost (and emphasis on the almost) as well as she could read him, he really didn't know what was going on with Donna. Maybe he didn't want to know, maybe he knew and didn't want to admit that she was hurting because of him.
And their earlier conversation just proves that not only are some of those threads frayed, but some have actually already snapped and Donna is ready to take scissors to the rest of them. Life without Donna is something he is just not prepared for, even with a therapist by his side. But just as he knows Donna is ready to cut those cords, on the other side, Paula is trying to force scissors into Harvey's own hand for him to cut those threads himself.
"Ok Harvey, tell me this then. And please be honest. Can you be completely honest?"
Harvey nods his head yes. He thinks he knows where this might be going (back to the "how" question that has plagued Harvey and Donna for quite some time, but is quite surprised by what Rachel asks.
"Tell me and yourself the truth, between the time of your last therapy session until Donna told you she wanted more, when exactly did you think of Paula? Did you even think of her at all?" Harvey stares for a few seconds at Donna's door and then knowing his answer, hangs his head in shame. He isn't surprised or even mad that Donna shared with Rachel about wanting more, but he didn't think Rachel would make the connection.
Despite what he told Paula when he drove his '72 Ferrari and met her on the street outside her office to ask her on a date, he hadn't thought of her. From his last session, he put therapy mainly out of his mind. He wasn't ashamed and was even a bit proud of himself for working through some of his issues, but after Donna came back to him at work, he didn't really feel the need for any more sessions. Donna was back to filling in those gaps in his life, heart, and psyche that had been starved during her time she was at Louis's desk. They were back in sync almost immediately and he felt he had been able to breath for the first time in a while.
And so he had put Dr. Agard out of his mind and went on with his life. Until the day in his office when Donna asked him to look over the buyout deal regarding "The Donna" and then told him she wanted more. His mind immediately told him that Donna wanted more than him, not more with him, and when she was unable to explain what she meant, he immediately felt the weight back on his chest. In order to deal with this, his mind immediately went back to the person who he had sought out the last time Donna wanted to move on from him. Part of him recognized, perhaps subconsciously, that Donna's more might be personal and so this twisted his thought to reach out to Paula in a professional capacity into a personal one. Maybe having Paula in his life, not as a therapist, would provide him some shield or foundation to protect him when Donna inevitably left him, perhaps for good this time.
He tried to deny to himself that pursuing Paula was really a crutch to keep himself him afloat for when Donna left. He hoped that it could lead to something real, something more. But he also knew he was really fooling himself. No one could replace Donna, especially not in the place he has reserved for her and only her in his heart. He just didn't want to admit it. But tonight was basically a slap in the face. It was time to finally realize he couldn't go on as things had for the last few months. Even if he wanted to, both Paula and Donna were telling him in their own way, that he needed to choose, though Donna was instead attempting to take herself out of the equation in order to protect herself rather than force Harvey to make a choice.
"That's what I thought." Rachel verbalizes what Harvey's mind had led him to, though he has no idea how long he has been sitting there thinking. His relationship with Paula was not going to lead him to happiness. Instead, it would cause him to lose the greatest thing that has even happened to him. The Harvey Specter of today would not be anywhere near as successful without Donna. Instead he would likely have gone down with or taken the fall for Cameron Dennis's shenanigans at the DA's office. He certainly wouldn't be the city's best closer or a name partner without her by his side for over a decade. And personally, well he sure wouldn't have attempted any type of reconciliation with his mother and probably wouldn't have attended his father's funeral.
Frankly, who knows where anyone would really be if Donna had not chosen to walk up to Harvey at that bar and impress him beyond measure within 30 seconds. Without Donna, Harvey wouldn't have become senior partner, wouldn't have needed an associate, and wouldn't have met Mike. Without that, Rachel and Mike wouldn't have met. If they hadn't met, they wouldn't have fallen in love and would she still have had the courage to go after her law school dream again despite past disappointments. The firm would likely be in the control of Daniel Hardman, whether that meant Jessica was still there or not, and Louis would still be the petty, overbearing jerk without Donna's gentle (and sometimes not so gentle) prodding to be a better person and attorney. Donna just makes everyone around her better and strive to be better.
"Harvey, both Mike and I have some mending to do with Donna after tonight. But you . . . you have a lot ahead of you. And you have some tough decisions to make. All I ask is that you make them quickly. If you want to move on, fine. But you have to let Donna go. And I mean really let go. She has been through so much and I don't mean just tonight. I want her to be truly happy. But she hasn't been in awhile now. And that is not fair. As much as it would pain me, if Paula is the person you can see yourself with for years to come, let Donna go."
Rachel sees Mike walking down the hall with something to drink for Harvey. She puts a hand on Harvey's shoulder as she stands up and walks towards Mike, giving Mike a look that says she has said what she needed to say to Harvey. Given that it is very late and Donna would not be awake before morning, Rachel knew there was really nothing more they could do here. As she indicated in her note to Donna, she would return in the morning to start down the path of trying to make up for her part in Donna's emotional state tonight. Rachel sees Louis at the end of the hallway talking with an attendant so she lets Mike know that she is going to go talk with him and let him know of their plans.
"Harvey, here you go" Mike says as he sits down and hands the water bottle over to Harvey.
A quiet "thanks" is said in his direction right before Harvey takes a long drink from the bottle. "Harvey, Donna's asleep for the night so why don't you let me and Rachel get you home. You can take a shower and try and get a good night's sleep and then come back in the morning." Mike pleads with Harvey, hoping to convince him to leave rather than sit here and drown himself in pain, guilt, and recrimination. Mike knows that no matter Harvey's physical location, he will be consumed with all those things, but perhaps some sleep will give him a chance to reset and come tomorrow ready to help Donna in any way she needs.
"No. I'm not leaving her." Harvey adamantly responds.
"She's sleeping, Harvey. She doesn't even know you are here. You can't be of any help to her in your condition." Mike looks directly at Harvey before stating "You are barely hanging on as it is. You had another attack before we got here, didn't you? How can you think to help Donna if you can't even take care of yourself. Let us get you home. Get yourself together. That is how you can help her."
"Mike, I don't care. I am not leaving her. I abandoned her enough for one night. I will not do it again." Harvey resolutely answers, trying to get himself more comfortable on the chair, clearly making a stance that he is not moving and will not be moved.
Mike sighs "Fine. I can't force you. But, promise that you will call if you need anything."
"I will." Harvey quietly responds as Mike gets up and they bid each other good night. He heads towards Rachel who is still speaking with Louis down the hallway. As he gets closer, he can hear Louis telling Rachel that he already left his name and number with the nurses on duty and in his own Louis way (basically threatening lawsuits) informed them that he should be called the second anything changes or if Donna needs anything.
Donna had already told him to go home, that she would likely just be asleep so there was no point in him staying, and that she would be fine (pointing out to him her nurse call button and the morphine drip that was helping to keep the pain at bay.). Louis tried to update Rachel on what he knew while trying to respect Donna's wishes to keep most things to himself.
Despite his earlier anger with everyone at the party, he knew that Rachel and Donna were best friends and that Rachel was immensely worried. So he tried to assuage her as best as he could, though not knowing how close he was to the edge after holding everything in to be strong for Donna. He had called Sheila after leaving Harvey outside of Donna's room to make sure she got home ok, so he made sure to thank Rachel for seeing to it that Sheila made it home.
As he was updating her, Rachel noticed that the dam was about to burst and so grabbed Louis in a big hug, not only to comfort him but also to thank him for being there for Donna, when no one else had. Louis could be a vindictive son of a bitch at times, but the depth of his heart for those he cared about was almost unrivaled, most of all Donna. As they hugged Rachel couldn't help but tell him "thank you" to which she could hear Louis sniffle a little.
They both noticed Mike approaching and ended their hug. All three looked down the hallway and noticed Harvey still sitting on the chair outside Donna's room with his head between his hands. "He isn't leaving, is he?" Louis asks Mike, already knowing the answer.
"Nope. He is determined to stay. I don't think a bulldozer could move him." Mike responded.
"He's not ok, is he?" Louis asks, again knowing the answer. "No. He isn't. Not at all." Mike responds. After a moment of reflection, the three decide that no more can be done by them tonight and it would be best to head home, as clearly Harvey was not going anywhere. As they walk out, they discuss all the things they will need to take care of at the firm to cover both the absence of its COO, but also it's managing partner, as it is clear that Harvey is in no shape to work. Louis resolves to take the lead as best he can, thankful it is the weekend so he has a little bit of breathing room to get things in order before the work week begins. The three talk amongst themselves about what each will need to do to make the next few days, if not weeks or maybe even months, run as smoothly as possible.
Harvey has been oblivious to the other three and didn't notice them talking to one another down the hall or leaving. He has either been staring at Donna's door or holding his head between his hands looking down at the floor. His mind continued to spiral, requiring him to say out loud to himself that Donna was just beyond that door and she was alive and would be ok.
At some point, just knowing she was behind the door wasn't enough. He needed to see her, hear her breath, and know that she is really there. He is aware that visiting hours are long over, but he really doesn't care. So he manages to get himself to his feet and slowly walks towards the door. He opens the doors gently, hoping to do so without disturbing her at all. Once inside the room, he closes the door quickly so that the hallway light wouldn't wake her up but keeps a hold on it until it is completely closed so that it wouldn't accidentally slam shut. The lights are off but there is still just enough light from outside the window for him to see. He remembers there was a lounge chair in the corner not far from the door and out of the way should any nurses or doctors come in to check on Donna. It also wasn't placed in the direction Donna was facing so he could be present without putting himself right in her line of sight.
He slowly makes his way to the chair, stopping every few steps to make sure Donna hasn't awakened but just to hear her breath. Her steady breath was a balm to his soul as he knew that she was getting some much needed rest. Once he was at the chair, he slowly lowered himself down into it, hoping it wouldn't squeak when he sat down. Luckily it didn't and he was able to sit down and move quietly. The chair was more comfortable than he had expected and was plush compared to the hard piece of plastic he had been sitting on outside the room.
Harvey planned to sit and just be in Donna's presence for awhile and then quietly leave so as not to alarm her when she woke up, but once Harvey was in the chair, Donna's rhythmic breathing, his adrenaline, which had been running high since the moment he heard Donna was in the hospital, had finally started to dissipate, and the lack of light eventually lulled Harvey to sleep.
A deep enough sleep that he was not disturbed a couple of hours later when a nurse, who had just come onto their shift, came in to check on Donna. Unfortunately for Donna, that meant waking her up to run a couple of tests. The nurse politely apologized for disturbing her and started going through the battery of tests, letting Donna know that they would be over quickly so that she could go back to sleep. As the nurse was getting to the end of the tests, they made a comment about how lucky she was to have a husband who couldn't leave her side, letting her know that they've seen many people without anyone to be with them so it was nice to see someone who cared.
Donna, thinking she was still asleep or perhaps they had given her too much medication, shakes her head as if she was clearing her ears, sputters out "Husband? What are you talking about?" The nurse was still holding Donna's arm so they just nodded their head in the direction of the lounger in the room. Slowly Donna is able to move her neck and head and is stunned to find Harvey sitting in the chair, his head leaning in such a way that it will likely mean he will pay for it when he wakes up, but decidedly pointed in Donna's direction, and Harvey most definitely and completely asleep.