The tremendous corridor was silent when Queen Frigga left her room. Only her steps in her leather-soled boots made a little noise. She smiled at the guardians while she was walking along the stone floor leading to the library. There were armed guardians at every gate and at every corner - she thought it was unnecessary now, after the unwanted presence of the frost giants, but Odin ordered this way.
Her steps became faster as she was hurrying towards the library. She knew that someone was waiting for her.
When she arrived, Thor was standing in the middle of the library, looking lost and confused. The library was not his place: books, reading, silence - these things never belonged to his world. He was there only because he was looking for his brother.
He looked up at his mother when she entered and he sighed a little. It was a relief for him not to be alone in that strange place.
- I thought Loki was here. He is always in the library when he is not out somewhere doing some nasty tricks.
Frigga smiled at him softly.
- Maybe he has gone outside for a walk. The weather is beautiful.
Thor shook his head.
- I was told that he hadn't been here for days and that he hasn't been seen anywhere since last dinner. - his eyes showed deep concern - Mother, I am worried about Loki.
Frigga put her hand on his left arm, to soothe him a little.
- I know, darling, we all of us are worried about him.
- I don't think so. You and I love him, you, most of all. Maybe Father. But no one else. Since the attack, no one has talked about Loki. - Thor was getting bitterer with every sentence. - They are talking about how scared they were, they wonder how the frost giants got to and entered Asgard, they are chattering about how the girl saved Loki, and of course they sometimes laugh at him, that he should have been saved by a girl, but not when I am around. - he took a deep breath - But no one asks me where Loki is, how he is feeling. Nothing. Not even my friends. No one cares about him.
Frigga hid her disappointment. She loved Loki, just like her own child, she knew well how difficult it was for others to love him who didn't know him as well as her, and it always hurt her.
- Don't bother about them. Everyone had a huge shock that the frost giants could enter our empire and actually their will, that Loki must be their king, was another big surprise as well.
- I don't give a fuck for the giants anymore - Thor said rudely. - I know now how they have found a secret passage to Asgard that Loki had showed them long before. That passage is closed and guarded now.
- Thanks to Loki, who did his best to straighten up his old mistake. - Frigga reminded him.
- He should never have betrayed us for the first place! - Thor lifted his hand to smash his fist on a table but seeing his mother's gentle eyes, he changed his mind and lowered his arm. - I miss him. And I am worried about him. He was never like this before. Hiding away from me. Not trying to make some dirty tricks on me.
Frigga put her arms around Thor tenderly.
- Just give him a little time. He had to experience a horrible shock.
- Yeah. He humiliated that poor girl who did nothing bad against him. Who still returned to die for him. - Thor replied with sheer anger in his voice.
Frigga wondered whether he was jealous of Loki but she couldn't be sure. She knew that Thor loved girls and girls loved him, she courted all the pretty ones anywhere he went, but he showed no particular deep love towards any of them in Asgard. Since he broke up with that human girl, Jane, he didn't fall in love with anyone. Frigga was sure that she could have noticed if Thor had fallen for me.
In contrast to Thor, Loki never showed the tiniest love (or any kind of) interest towards any girls among whom he was rather unpopular. Even if he was considered to be good-looking, he had a bad reputation, he was not muscular and talkative, he didn't like flirting and he seemed to love Frigga only.
- Don't worry, my son. Time will heal the wounds. He will come back to you when he is ready.
Thor hung his head and bowed to her.
- Be blessed, my wise Mother. - then he left.
Frigga left the library as well and she walked down the stairs leading to the entrance. Her heart whispered to her where Loki could be found.
Loki was lying on the bench in his mother's garden, staring at the blood red roses intertwining above his head. He was staring at the soft petals but he saw nothing.
He was wearing black leather shirt and trousers, the sole of his boots were covered with thick layers of dried mud, due to the long night trips to the nearby mountains. He spent his daytime lying in the garden and his nights walking and climbing every high places. He couldn't sleep no matter how tired he was. His eyes looked so heavy and dark, his face was very pale, his whole body radiated with misery and exhaustion.
He chose the garden because no one but Frigga entered that place so he could be completely alone and undisturbed, and because no one would ever imagine him spending time among flowers. As no one would ever suspect how sad and desperate he was.
Frigga was standing a few steps from him, watching him closely, with deep tenderness and concern.
She was really worried about her son. She saw that he hardly ate anything, he already lost a few pounds, he drank more wine than before, he disappeared for the whole day and never talked to anyone. Not even to her, his beloved mother, who taught him all his tricks and magic, who always listened to him talking about his dreams or simply complaining since his childhood. She knew exactly that he was mourning me even if he had never admitted it.
- Mother. - said Loki, without looking at her. As if he were too exhausted to move his head even a tiny bit.
- Loki, darling. - replied Frigga on a gentle voice and stepped closer to him. Her heart was bleeding to see him in such a broken state. - I didn't see you at the breakfast table this morning.
- I wasn't hungry. - replied he on a dead voice.
Frigga tried to stay calm and she chose her words carefully. She didn't want to make him feel provoked or act as if she had wanted to demand some kind of explanation.
- Actually I haven't seen you at the dining hall for three days. I was really missing you.
Suddenly Loki sat up and offered a place for her on the bench. The sudden movement made him feel dizzy and gave him a sharp pain in his head but he did his best to hide these feelings. Most of the times he hid any kinds of feelings in front of others - it was only his mother who could see his real self most of the times.
- Please, sit down, Mother.
Frigga accepted the offer, sat down close to her son and tenderly took his hands between her palms, capturing his eyes with hers. She didn't ask anything - she waited patiently for Loki to start talking. She had been watching him since the visit of Ymiri and his fellow giants, since the day I died. She saw enough and she knew that something was really wrong.
- Sjöfn saved me. - Loki said softly.
Sjöfn. That was me. Frigga gave me this name that meant "love". She told me she felt so much love inside me therefore that this one suited me much better than my original name that I had received from my parents.
Frigga caressed his hand slowly, while noticing the scars and bruises on the rough skin on his hand and on his wrist, but she didn't say a word. She knew it would have made no sense and she didn't even wonder how he had obtained those injuries.
- I was so rude to her but she was still ready to give her life for mine. I didn't even deserve her attention - not to mention her sacrifice.
Loki shook his head while biting his bottom lip and Frigga was surprised to see his eyes shining with tiny tears. She had never seen him so broken before.
- I wish I had spoken to Ymiri somehow else, not to provoke his anger… I mean I would never change my mind about being the king of that horrible place but if I had known that she would prepare to do that… she was so fast… faster than my tongue…
- I guess it was a good lesson for you to learn how to keep your little careless mouth next time. - Frigga was smiling sadly.
- Mother, it is not funny. - Loki's face remained sad and serious. He was so down that he didn't find her remark strange. - I owe so much to her, my debt towards her is too much.
- You really mourn her… - Frigga whispered with sorrow in her voice.
- I hate her so much! - screamed Loki suddenly, with his whole body becoming rigid and tight. His face looked even paler than before as if all the blood had rushed out under his skin. - I hate her so much that I could kill her… damn!
But it wasn't easy to frighten Frigga.
- You don't hate her.
- I do! I terribly do! - he kept on screaming, his back curved as if he had been in pain. - She has done this mess and she has made me owe her! I hate it! I hate her! I wish I could kill her with my own hands and then I would never feel, I could never feel that I will never be able to pay her back. - his voice became breathless and muffled by the end of the sentence.
Frigga allowed him to let his demolishing anger out but held his hands strongly so he couldn't have the chance to hurt himself.
- You really mourn her. - she repeated slowly later when she felt that her son could calm down a little.
Loki sighed deeply. He was still breathless.
- I do, Mother. I never regret anything I have done but this time… I do regret hurting her, being so rude and ungrateful. I wish I could apologise her. I wish I could turn back time and delete all my rudeness and ignorance towards her. I wish…
Frigga whispered to him softly, while touching his forehead with hers and she stroked along his hair slowly, like she did when he was just a little boy.
- Well, in this case you should go and look for her.
Loki picked up his head suddenly and looked at her wildly, with an open mouth, as if he were wondering whether his mother had gone crazy. He couldn't believe his ears and he couldn't even pronounce a sound for a few moments.
Did Frigga really tell him those words? "You should go and find her."
His eyes were full of surprise, questions and hope, his lips opened apart in stupor.
- Mother… what do you mean?
- You have always been so smart and bright, my son. What don't you understand now? - Frigga was smiling mischievously and that increased Loki's surprise - she seemed to be enjoying Loki's confusion.
- How could I look for her? She died for me! She is dead! - he almost shouted. He was totally confused and hurt. What was happening and what had happened at all? What was his mother hiding away from him? They never had any secrets between them, but it seemed to have changed.
Frigga took a deep breath. She felt that the delirious anger started to build up in him again and she tried to stop that.
- Well, maybe you should know that you were not my only pupil.
Loki jumped up and his body was shivering lightly.
- Did you teach Sjöfn?
- Yes, I did. - Frigga nodded, watching him closely. - We met almost every day. She was my brightest pupil, so hard-working, so bright. She wanted to know everything at once, but she could be patient. Don't get mad, my darling, but she exceeded you in magic.
Loki made an impatient movement with his hand, showing that his mother seemed to misunderstand him.
- I don't mind if she is far much better than me, not at all. But why haven't you told this to me earlier? Why did you have to wait a month? A whole month! What was the sense of making me waiting while I was going crazy?
His voice was so sharp and deep from anger, and Frigga now could see how much he had really been suffering. She regretted now not having talked to Loki earlier though that time it seemed to be the best decision.
- I am so sorry but I was not completely sure about your feelings for her. Actually I didn't have the slightest idea that you feel so much for her.
Loki hung his head broken-hearted.
- Neither did I. - suddenly he looked up into Frigga's eyes, totally excited - Then tell me now, is she alive? Hasn't she sacrificed herself for me? Was it an illusion? Just like my games?
- She did sacrifice herself for you. And also for us. Don't ever doubt it. - Frigga warned him with a little smile - She didn't think or hesitate when she jumped in front of you to receive the sword and to save you.
A soft blush appeared on Loki's cheeks but it disappeared as soon as it arrived.
- What was that fireball? - his eyes showed clearly that he suddenly started to suspect the answer.
- Sjöfn was a shapeshifter, just like you. No wonder as both of you were my pupils.
Loki shook his head, as he were unable to comprehend what he had been told.
- But she was suffering! I saw it. Was that real? Or did she deceive my eyes? I don't understand anything, Mother.
- She was suffering. She didn't concentrate before she jumped in front of you, she didn't hesitate to defend and save you. That is why she could change into that demolishing fireball only later, when she was already dying. It is amazing how strong she was… - Frigga seemed to be talking to herself now - A shapeshifter always needs perfect concentration and a perfect handling of power, and under such a huge shock like dying most of them would be unable to transform.
Loki jumped at her comments.
- So she must be alive! If she was so strong, right? Do you know where she is? Has she sent you any messages? - he kept on bombing her with more questions.
Frigga shook her head and held his cheeks into her hands.
- I don't know anything for sure. I don't want to wake false hopes in you. But she does have magical power and I feel that she is out there somewhere. I want to believe it. If someone could find her, it is you.
- Where should I look for her? - whispered Loki to himself, completely lost between hope and despair. He didn't dare to believe his mother but at the same time he was totally sure that she would have never allow him to hope for nothing.
Seeing the desperate expression of his face, Frigga felt little twinges of conscience. Maybe she shouldn't have told him about her suspicions of my being alive because she was not completely sure about that. And now she could clearly see that Loki was feeling something serious about me. Whether it was admiration or regret, it had been ruling his heart and his mind for many days.
What she didn't suspect that there was another thought that started to circle in the back of Loki's mind.
He was looking through the bushes and the trees, towards the high mountains of Asgard, thinking.
So you made me suffer, you made me believe that you were dead while actually you are still alive… I have been suffering, I have been tortured by my own conscience - for nothing. Sjöfn, you are going to pay for these, I promise.
And he was smirking for a long moment.