Second Chances
Chapter 9
Carly saw Sonny walk away and slam the door as tears filled her eyes. What happened in these last nine months? Sonny was alive and well and pissed as hell but she wasn't surprised by that. What she didn't get was the silence coming from Jason. She was almost glad that Sonny had left even if he had made demands of her. What else was new? This was the man that ordered her upstairs when they had to talk about business. The business that she was now running with her husband. Jason. The business that Sonny had no right to come and snatch when they had been doing all the hard work and all the saving, scheming and risking their lives for his territory to be untouched. Truth be told, she truly was glad that Sonny was back but her heart? It was torn right now. A gambit of emotions ran through her. She had wanted a miracle and for him to be alive for months. Finally, when she had let go and let her love for Jason fill her up inside, he came back. She couldn't just go back. Sonny couldn't expect her to, could he? Jason couldn't expect her to. From his irrational demands it seemed that, that was exactly what he was planning on her doing. Well, he had another thing coming. She had changed in these nine months. She couldn't go back to being the wife that asked questions and never got a straight answer. And she couldn't go back to being Jason's best friend. They had so many decisions to make here.
Jason sighed out loud and exhaled, feeling his heart was breaking with the passing of each second. Sonny was back. He had not died. He was alive, well and in Port Charles and right now talking to his wife. His wife. She's no longer your wife Jason. Jason couldn't even concentrate on what they were saying to each other, much less register that he had left and slammed the door behind him. All he felt, all he heard, was his own heart breaking into a million pieces. Shattered on the floor. Impossible to pick up and piece back together. How long did their marriage last? Less than 48 hours? Jason held his left hand to his heart; an ache was there and it intensified with every second. When had this happened? How had this happened? This morning they had been here in their presidential suite, sated from making love the previous night and reveling in being able to do it again this morning, several times. Having fun and flirty conversations. Just truly enjoying each other's company. Jason didn't think life could get any better than this. And now, it was all over. Carly would leave him. She always chose Sonny and they were married and happy before he disappeared. Wouldn't she want to pick up where they left off?
He felt his ring on his left hand. Ever since Carly had placed it on his finger, he had felt a welcome weight. It was as if that weight should have always been there. He looked down and his eyes filled with tears. How could he take his ring off? After all the promises they made to each other? How could he do it? He had to. Carly had never truly belonged to him. Even after her confession to him in the limo before arriving at the Metro Court, it didn't matter. Carly was going to go back to her life with Sonny and he would go back to being her friend. Her best friend. How am I going to do this? It started by taking off his ring. He inhaled deeply and took it off – fast. Like if it were a band-aid. He looked at his bare hand, then looked at his ring and put it in his pocket.
When he looked up at her, Carly's back was to him. She then turned around, as if he had asked her to do that. Jason saw the tears in her eyes and she looked at him with pain before exhaling loudly and raggedly and saying: "You didn't say anything Jason. I did all the talking, all the explaining. You didn't say you wanted this. You didn't say your feelings had changed. You just stood quiet, stoic, Stone Cold…" she finalized, with a laugh. "That name Spinelli anointed you with fits you to perfection. Though I never thought I'd see that from you now. Before, sure. But not now. Not after everything we've been through together. Not after all the promises we made to one another."
Jason needed to get out of the penthouse suite. There wasn't any way in hell that he could stay there and not be affected by whatever it was she was going to do. Like grab her weekender bag and head back to Greystone. It wasn't that he wasn't glad – ecstatic even that his brother Sonny wasn't dead – but he had lost Carly in the process of having him be back. And that pain was a wound that this time around would not close. At all. He had finally known what it was like to be with Carly while they both were in love with each other. But Carly had always been Sonny's; well since he decided to walk away and not fight for her. It was his fault for pushing her towards him. He had to pay the consequences of that. But it had seemed that finally that error had been paid and he was going to finally get his second chance with the woman he loved. With the only woman he had ever loved fully and completely, with no barrier between them. But Jason should have known better. Jason Morgan never got second chances. Not the ones that truly counted.
He sighed out loud once again and made his way to the bedroom door without answering her questions or even acknowledging that he had heard her words. He couldn't talk right now even if he wanted to. He didn't think it was going to be this hard to leave Carly behind. He took off his sweatpants and put on some briefs, the jeans he had the day of their wedding and a t-shirt. He put his hands in his jean pockets, and put the ring in one of them and as soon as he felt Carly's presence he knew his hands needed to stay put. He didn't have to turn around to see that she was in the room, shooting daggers at his back, and pissed off as all hell at him. But what good would it do to have this fucking conversation if she was going back to him anyway. She wanted to after all, right?
His pain was so great that it didn't even occur to him that Carly may choose him. When had he been that lucky? Luck was never on his side and if ever he was lucky to think that he could possibly get what he wanted, it never panned out. Especially when it came to his love for Carly.
Carly stepped further into the bedroom. "What are you doing Jason?" Was he really putting on his clothes to leave? Just like that? What was happening right now? Why did she have this soccer ball in the pit of her stomach telling her that Jason's next words were going to be what defined their marriage. And from the look on his face, it wasn't something she wanted to hear from him. Not now, not ever.
"I gotta get some air. I can't talk about this right now. Go home to your husband." Jason spat that last word out and he felt like he was shutting down right in front of her but could do nothing to stop it. He felt like throwing up, he felt like flinging shit across the room, he felt like grabbing her and telling her that they should leave and go on the run, just them two. But he couldn't do that to her kids, his kids, their kids. Jason could do nothing to reassure her that they would be okay. Because he didn't even think they would ever be okay again. Not as husband and wife, not as best friends, possibly not even as acquaintances that could be civil to one another when they accidentally bumped into each other around Port Charles.
Carly gasped out loud, put her hand to her mouth as tears overflowed from her eyes. Jason beating her senseless, stabbing her and shooting her all at the same time would hurt less than the words he had just uttered to her. Who was this person walking past her in a frenzy and speeding out the door, as he to slammed it hard? That man walking out the door was not her husband, nor her best friend. That man was a stranger and that killed her.
Carly was in fire pits of hell. There was no other word to describe what she was feeling and how despondent all this made her feel.
Jason was well into his fifth shot of tequila at the Metro Court bar when he saw Spinelli come up to him. "So…I heard Sonny's back. How are you doing?" Spinelli decided not to joke, call him names that annoyed him or beat around the bush. Right now, what Jason needed was a friend that he could confide in. A friend that would tell him that everything was going to be okay.
"I'm happy he's back." Jason answered Spinelli, keeping his eyes forward. He didn't want to look at Spinelli and see compassion for him. He didn't think he could take that. He didn't want anyone pitying him. He was doing self-pity remarkably well all on his own right now. Besides, he would much rather be alone with his feelings. That way he could do his best to avoid them: with alcohol, with work outs, with whatever was going to be able to make him sleep at night in his bed, all alone. Once again.
"Jason…come on talk to me." Spinelli said, as he looked at the bartender and told him to bring him a shot glass and a beer. He was going to be here for his friend. Even if it had to be in silence.
"There's nothing to say."
"Where's your wife?"
"I don't have a wife." Jason uttered, feeling those words lodge in his throat.
"You mean to tell me she went back to Sonny? That makes no sense. Carly is in love with you."
"I left her at the penthouse suite. I can only imagine that she would be heading over to Greystone soon."
"What do you mean you left her?"
"She was overwhelmed and she seemed to need time to reacclimate herself with Sonny being home. I let her have her moment, so I left."
"You're kidding, right?"
"What did you want me to do Spinelli?" Jason, said a tad bit louder than he had wanted. It wasn't Spinelli's fault. He should really try to contain his anger.
"Dear friend, certainly not that overwhelmed that you should leave her to deal with this on her own. Why didn't you stay and try to sort it out? Let her know that you are worried about the turn of events but you still want to be with her. You guys deserve your chance, Jason. Sonny being back absolutely complicates things but that doesn't mean that you just give him the opening to take her back. Jason, do you love her? Are you in love with her?"
"You know the answer to that Spinelli. You've always known the answer to that. Even before I realized that…"
"Say it out loud then."
"Yes, I'm in love with her. I've always been in love with her. I don't know how to stop being in love with her."
"Then fight Jason. You have every right. You have loved her for decades. Most of that time in silence. I know that now. You may have hidden it well but the more I see you two together, the more I'm convinced that you have been lying to yourself and to everyone about your true feelings for Carly."
"I didn't lie to myself Spinelli. I knew exactly what I felt for Carly. I just didn't think that it would ever happen for us. And apparently I was right."
"You didn't even give her a chance. You just left her there – alone – for her to go back to Sonny with you not interfering. She may have been taken aback and even glad that Sonny was back. They share two children, they raised Michael and they have all of Sonny's other kids and Josslyn. But that doesn't mean that what I saw transpire at your wedding faded away for her. She has been as in love and as devoted to you, the same way you have been. The Valkyrie my dear friend is head over heels in love with you. And there is no taking that back."
"I don't know what to do." Jason finally said, taking another shot of tequila and closing his eyes shut as tears threatened to flow down his cheeks.
"You have stepped aside for Sonny your whole life. And I get that. You owe him everything. But you have paid in spades for what he showed you. What he gave you. You and Carly did nothing wrong falling in love with each other. You can't stop that feeling – that love – even if you tried. And God knows Jason you have tried. And tried. And tried. Yet you still love her. You have since you met her. It's time you accept that and stop hurting her and you in the process."
"What if she wants to go back to him?" Jason asked, his true conundrum spoken out loud. He wouldn't survive if he heard those words spoken aloud. Especially if they came from her.
"What if she doesn't? And even if she did, give her the option of staying with you as well. Let her choose and let her know that you will fight for her. Maybe she needs to hear that from you. That you're willing to go toe to toe alongside her with anyone that will try to break you two apart. Jason, this is your life. Live it the way you want to and live it with whom you want to. You've loved other women but you ran to Carly's side the second that she needed you. You once told me that it didn't matter where in the world she was, you would find her. You would always find her."
Jason sighed out loud and finally turned to look at Spinelli as his eyes watered. "You were wrong. You said that Carly and I accept and understand each other completely and that's true. You said that marriage was a test and that we had passed that test with flying colors and that the sad day that came for you and Ellie, breaking up, walking away from each other, would never come for me and Carly. Yet it did."
Spinelli clasped Jason on the shoulder and said: "Only because you're letting it Jason. You have the power to be happy with Carly. You just need to believe in it. That's always been your problem with her. You don't trust it. Once you do, you'll be able to accept what's been right in front of you and what everyone that loves you knows: you will not be happy until you are with Carly. Period. End of story.
Carly stood standing in the middle of the living room at the penthouse suite and cried for about ten minutes. Then she composed herself, wiped her tears and breathed in and out until she managed to compose herself. She went back to the bedroom, put on her leggings and t-shirt and made her way to the door. She knew in her gut that Jason hadn't left. He was at the bar. He had to be. She wasn't going to walk away from him. She had never backed down from a challenge and she wasn't going to start now. She refused to believe that this marriage to Jason was over. She just needed to convince him of that. Did she feel bad for Sonny? Sure. Did she love him? Yes. As the father of her children. As the husband that took care of her when her and Jason couldn't get their shit together. But deep down, she had told Jason the truth, it had always been him. And if she had to prove that to him then that's what she was going to do.
She walked off the elevator and into the bar and saw Spinelli and Jason. Spinelli locked eyes with her and smiled.
She approached them and rested her arm on top of Jason's bar stool. "Spinelli…" Carly said. "Would you mind giving me a minute with my husband." Carly deliberately emphasized the word husband. She had not forgotten what he had told her upstairs. And he would pay for it. Once she convinced him that they should stay together and fight, she would bring this up again. And he would ask her forgiveness because she knew him and she knew that right now, he was guarding his heart and quite frankly she didn't blame him.
"Of course. I'll see you guys later." Spinelli said, as he took his shot and drank it. He smiled once again and made his way to the elevator. He was sure they would figure it out and if Jason didn't, Carly would make him figure it out. That was the beauty of their relationship, friendship, marriage. When one faltered, the other one picked him or her up. Without fail.
"Why are you here? Shouldn't you be on your way to Greystone."
"And what Jase? Pretend that the past day and a half didn't happen? Are you insane? How do I do that Jason? How do you propose that I go on without feeling what I feel for you? Pretending again that I don't love you? Locking it back up?" Carly asked, as she felt Jason slipping away from her. She was losing him and it was making her panic. Her thoughts of Jason as her husband were suddenly slipping away from her and she didn't know how to stop it. She wanted to keep him. She had to keep him. She had to at least try. And with that she turned towards him, nudged his legs further apart and settled between them as she wrapped her arms around his neck. She could do that now. And she would.
"Do you think this is easy for me?" Jason asked raggedly, as he felt Carly's forehead touch his briefly and then retreat to look into his eyes. Jason had taken second place to Sonny his whole life and he had managed for years – no decades – to be okay with being Carly's best friend. But now? After the night they had? After the morning they had spent? He couldn't ignore his feelings anymore and it was tearing him up inside at having to leave her. They had only one night and it was all Jason needed to know what had been missing in his life. Carly. As his wife.
Carly looked down and saw Jason's left hand. "You already took off your ring." Carly closed her eyes as pain threatened to overcome her. "Did I mean that little to you?" She whispered. Old insecurities were rearing their ugly head. How could it be? How could she go back to twenty years ago and feel this worthless? When it came to Jason and he loving her, she always doubted and she thought this time, this time would be different. Yet here they were. At a crossroads again and her heart breaking because slowly but surely, she was seeing her dreams of a life with Jason slowly dissipate.
Jason's heart broke even more if that were possible. He put his left hand in his pocket and took out his wedding band. The ring that he swore to himself and to Carly that he would never take off. "I have it." He couldn't hurt her. He couldn't let her think that the wedding, the ring, him loving her meant nothing. He was devastated at the turn of events but what could they do? Sonny was back. Sonny wasn't dead.
Carly nodded as tears still fell down her face. She extended her left arm to him and showed him the rings he had given her a few months ago. "I can't take them off as easily as you can. But if you want them off of me, so they're not a reminder, of our vows to each other then you go ahead and you take them off of me. Go on. I dare you." Carly challenged. "You put them on me. You should be the one to take them off. I am giving you that courtesy. The courtesy you didn't give me at you taking your wedding band off."
Jason reached out and grabbed her hand and pulled her closer if that was possible. "I can't do it. I won't do it." Jason whispered to Carly, as he pulled her towards him and touched his forehead to hers again. "I do love you. I'm in love with you."
"Then please, Jase, please put your ring back on. Fight with me. Fight for me. Please Jason…" she didn't know what else to say. She looked at his ring, took it out of his hand, and looked up at him. He was staring intently at her. She could read him like a book and she knew that he was as heartbroken as she was. She let out a breath and wiped tears from her eyes. "I won't put it back on you if you don't want me to. But just know, when you see this ring, if you decide not to throw it in the trash, just know, please know, that regardless of Sonny being back, my feelings for you have not changed. Every single vow I said to you I meant. Every single promise I made to you; I want to keep." Carly whispered, as she handed him back his ring.
Jason pushed himself away from her a tiny bit. "But Sonny is back, Carly. When he died, you and him were in a great place and in love. You were in love with him. You might still be. You mourned him but you still loved him." Jason declared; his worst fear finally spoken out loud to the one person he needed to tell it to.
Carly nodded her head and put her hands on his cheeks. "I was. And you're right. We were in a good place and I do love him. I do. And I am so happy that he's back. He is our number three in our trio. But it's always been you and me…" Carly stated and inhaled sharply. "First and foremost, it's been you and me. And it always will be you and me. First. Always. Nobody is ahead of you in my book and I know no one is ahead of me in your book. You've proved it to me time and time again."
Jason chose to not comment on that and instead said: "But you will get there. To loving him again, to falling in love with him again. You did once. More than once."
"You know what the difference was?"
At Jason's silence she continued: "I knew back then, twenty years ago, I had hurt you so badly that you had to go away, far away from me. From Sonny. And I knew that I had fucked up. Me. For not believing in your love for me. For blowing up any chance we had. And I knew, I knew that you would never want to go there with me again. So, I shut my feelings off. It took me a while but I did it. But these past few months, living with you, spending all this time with you, brought it all back. And I can't scale it back."
"You have to. We have to."
"Why?!"
"Because if Sonny had never died, we never would have fallen for each other again. It never would've happened. You would've never left Sonny. And I couldn't, I couldn't take it if you left me once we were deep into our marriage."
"But it happened Jason. It happened. We need to deal with whatever the outcome. You say you love me but you're not willing to fight for me? You say you're in love with me but you're just going to walk away because it's the easy answer? The less complicated one? The one that will keep the peace. The one that will not blow up in our faces? The one where you hurt yourself before I hurt you."
At Jason's silence, Carly nodded her head and kissed him lightly on the lips. "I'm going to leave so you can think about everything that I told you. And I am going to Greystone but I'm going to pick up the girls and coming right back. And I'm going because I want Tony to be with us because of all we got going on. I am not staying there, I'm coming back. If you need some time to think about us, then go back to your apartment or get another room here. I'm going to use your suite, our suite. I love you Jason. I've proven it to you. It's time that you prove it to me now.
With that said, she kissed him one more time, caressed his face and smiled sadly. "Come to me when you're ready. But don't take too long. I already miss you.