Songs I listened to while writing this chapter:
Fix You by Coldplay
I'm Sorry, I'm Trying by Nothing, Nowhere
Leave a Light On by Tom Walker
Emily opened her swollen eyes and saw that it was one in the morning. Her lamp was still on, casting a yellow glow around the room. She barely remembered what happened that night. When she turned to find Lee laying beside her, she froze. What was he doing there? She did a clothing check and found she was still in her dress for the wedding. He was still in his suit. His jacket was missing, though, and his sleeves were rolled up with the top three buttons undone on his shirt. He was sleeping, and she studied him for a while.
How could she be falling for a man who was marrying someone else? She never thought this would happen to her. Without thinking about what she was doing, she reached to touch his face gently before resting her fingers just under the edge of his shirt over his heart. When he opened his eyes, she realized too late that he hadn't been sleeping. She didn't move, and neither did he. His heart beat under her fingers against his skin. After 30 seconds, she pulled her hand away and rolled onto her back. She felt anxious. Would he say something? What was there to even say?
"You okay?" he asked after a moment. She felt relief. He wasn't even going to mention her touching him.
"No," she answered.
"Me either," he said honestly.
"Thank you for staying," she told him, turning her head to the side to look at him. "I imagine your fiancée is wondering where you are."
"I don't care," he replied. Emily felt surprised.
"You should care a little. She basically banned you from being around me."
"She did not."
"Yes, she did! Why are you giving in to that? She cheated on you, so she assumes you'll cheat on her?"
"Now you sound like Barney," he sighed. "It'll get sorted out."
"But...why? Why stay with her and risk that happening again?" Emily asked, feeling frustrated. I'd never hurt you like that...
"We all make mistakes," Lee answered. "She gets scared and thinks I'm going to leave, so she leaves first, but it hasn't happened in a long time, so I think she feels safe with me finally."
"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Emily snorted. "'Oh, I'm insecure...let's go shag some random bloke because I don't wanna be alone!'"
"That is the worst Lacy impression I've ever heard," Lee said, starting to laugh. "And here I thought Barney's version was terrible."
"Seriously, Lee," Emily said to him. "Please call off this wedding. You deserve so much better."
"I really don't," he replied.
"Why do you say that? Why do you always put yourself down?" she asked, propping herself up onto her elbow now.
"It's just who I am."
"Bull shit," Emily shot back. He raised a brow at her.
"Why do you care, Em? Why do you care so much about whether I marry Lacy or not?"
He was putting it on her. She swallowed as he watched her carefully. She inhaled slowly, coming up with an answer. When she had it, she exhaled.
"I put the happiness and wellbeing of my clients at the very forefront of everything. If something is going to make them unhappy, I point it out..."
"Now that's bull shit," Lee said, sitting up now. "Your automatic go-to response is always around the job, Em. When will you ever speak from your heart?"
I can't, her first thought was. She pressed her lips together tightly, preventing it from coming out.
"I think you should leave now," she said instead. He gave a slight guffaw.
"Right," he said, getting to his feet. "Someone challenges you and pushes you close to that line you refuse to cross, and you close yourself off. That's a real nice life, Em." He walked out of the room, and she got up to follow him. She felt angry now.
"What do you want me to say?!" she shouted. He spun around, stopping in the hallway and making her almost walk into him.
"I want you to be bloody honest!" he shouted back. "I don't want the version of you that hides behind logic and your job because you're scared to get hurt!"
"But I was!" she exclaimed, her voice slightly a wail again. "I was!" She was shaking. He was looking at her.
"You think I don't know that?" he asked, his voice quieter. "I've read you like a book since the moment I met you. You're not exactly subtle about it."
"What?" She was taken aback. How could he have figured it out?
"What did he do, Em? Cheat on you? Make empty promises? Hit you?" Lee asked. "What is it? What did he do that was so bad that warranted you never wanting to love anyone else ever again?" He was practically in her face. Emily was suddenly transported back to her own wedding day when her mother had come into the room and told her that David was not coming. She'd relived it all day after watching what happened to Mary.
"He was murdered," she whispered. "On our wedding day." Lee's face changed from anger to shock and then embarrassment.
"Ah, shit, Em," he said. "I'm sorry. Shit, I'm so sorry."
"Please go," she told him, her voice wavering.
"I don't want to leave it like this," Lee said. "I don't want to leave you like this."
"I want to be alone," she said firmly, her voice coming back slightly. "Please, just go." She looked at him, and he lifted and dropped his hands by his sides helplessly.
"Em," he tried.
"No," she said loudly. "It's done. I can't be around you right now." She turned and went back to her bedroom, shutting the door firmly behind her. She leaned against it, sinking to the floor until she was hugging her knees. She was crying again. Memories of David surfaced hard and fast. She tried not to think about him very often as it left her feeling weak and shattered inside.
He'd been getting gas, of all things, on his way to the wedding. While he was paying, some random burglar held up the station, and David had gotten shot trying to save the clerk behind the counter.
Emily opened her eyes again. Climbing out of her wedding dress and putting it inside its box had been the second hardest thing to do that day. The first had been processing that David was dead.
She heard Lee sitting on the other side of her door, not saying a word. She didn't know why he was insisting on staying. She wasn't going to do anything crazy, but maybe she didn't have to tell him what she'd almost done a week after David had died. Maybe that was on her face too. If Serena hadn't come to check on her, she'd be dead right now too. Serena. There was another person who had left her life easily. A new job had taken her away, and they'd lost touch. Emily didn't like getting close to people anymore because for whatever reason, they always got taken away.
She didn't care if he stayed there on the floor all night. She wasn't going to talk to him. She went back to her bed and crawled under the covers. She never wanted morning to come.
...
Barney felt bad. Lee had told him what happened to Mel, and even though Barney had never met him or Mary, it hurt his heart to think of Mary never getting to marry her soulmate after all this time. People liked to say Barney had a black heart, but they didn't know how it had gotten that way.
"You're thinking about her again, aren't you?" Tool asked, standing in the doorway. Barney looked at him and gave a rueful smile.
"Is it that easy to tell?"
"Always, brother."
Barney twisted his lips, sipping his drink afterwards. "I don't want to talk about it."
"I know."
Only Tool knew what had happened on a dark, rainy night roughly 20 years ago. The love of Barney's life, Lena, had been killed in a drive by shooting. Barney never forgave himself for not protecting her, especially when the shooter had been someone from his past looking to inflict pain on Barney. That guy had ended up begging for his life before Barney put him in the ground. He still didn't feel sorry for doing it even though it didn't bring Lena back.
"Don't stay up drinking all night," Tool warned him before leaving. Barney finished his whiskey and tapped his fingers against the glass on the desk.
He stayed up smoking all night instead.
The Next Morning
Lee woke up when Emily's door opened. She stepped over him easily and went down the hall to the bathroom. He sat up and groaned, his back killing him. He was standing in her kitchen when she returned. She surveyed him carefully, and he wondered if he had really upset her by refusing to leave. He'd been worried about her. He felt like if he had left and she had hurt herself, he'd never forgive himself.
"Coffee?" she asked finally.
"Sure."
He sat at the table as she prepped it. He yawned, and his stomach growled. He watched her busy herself with making food. After a few minutes, she slid a mug of coffee and dry toast across the table to him.
"Thanks," he said. She still said nothing as she poured her own coffee. She stood for a while, drinking it slowly. Lee was halfway through his and on his last piece of toast when she spoke.
"I'm going to have a shower," she said, "and when I come back out, you'd better be gone."
"Okay." He nodded. He didn't fight it. She went down the hall, and a few moments later, he heard the shower come on. He finished his coffee and stood up, scraping the chair on the floor as he did so. He put the dishes in the sink after rinsing them, and he grabbed his dress coat, jacket, and keys from the counter. He let himself out and walked to the elevator. All the way down, he leaned his elbow against the wall and pressed his face into it.
He feared Emily was never going to speak to him again.
...
Lacy was feeling agitated at work. Lee hadn't come home the night before. She didn't know why. He'd just said the groom of the wedding he'd been helping with died and that he needed to deal with some things. What sort of things, Lacy had no idea. Had he slept with Emily? Was that what he needed to deal with? Had they fallen in bed together over shared grief? Would he hurt her like that?
Like you did to him with Hutch?
She clenched her jaw. Her own thoughts were torturing her now. She had spent an hour with Hutch last night just talking despite his efforts to change her mind and do more. She hadn't been able to go through with it, so she came home. Then she waited for Lee all night.
"What's got you so riled up?" Judith asked. Lacy looked over at her, feeling annoyed that her agitation was so easy to spot by others.
"I think Lee might have cheated on me last night," Lacy answered.
"Really?" Judith's eyebrows went up high. "How come?"
"He didn't come home."
"Did he say why?"
"He just said he had to deal with some things."
"That's...vague," Judith agreed. She rested her chin on her hand, listening.
"I've been trying to be around more," Lacy went on, "but I think I was too late. I think he's fallen for our wedding planner."
Judith burst out laughing, making Lacy glare at her. "I'm sorry. That just felt too much like a scene from a sitcom."
"It's not," Lacy said, irritated.
"I'm sure he's got a perfectly good explanation for not coming home," Judith went on reassuringly. "Just talk to him about it."
"Uh huh," Lacy replied, looking back down at the files on her desk. She had to get her focus back on her job. She couldn't lose it now, not after all of this. She checked her phone again. Still nothing from Lee. This was very abnormal.
Are you okay? she wrote him.
No, he answered after a few moments.
Where are you?
Home.
Where were you last night?
Can we talk about this later?
Lacy breathed in and out. If he wanted to do it in person, then it was bad news. She swallowed, trying not to feel panicked and enraged all at the same time.
Fine, she wrote back finally. She set her phone down and refused to look at it anymore. She'd deal with it later when she got home.
...
Jane heard Nigel come down the hall to his office and stopped pacing to go greet him. Andy was with him.
"Is it true?" she asked, feeling tight in her chest. "Did Mel really...did he actually...?" She couldn't finish her sentence. It was just too hard.
"Yea," Nigel answered with a heavy sigh. "Em's not coming in today."
"Nor should she," Jane agreed. "That breaks my heart."
"Mine too," Andy chimed in, hugging herself. Tears were in her eyes. "Poor Mary."
All three of them were quiet for a moment until Nigel cleared his throat.
"I'll let you know when the funeral is," he promised.
"Thank you," Jane said. Andy wiped at her eyes and made her way back to her office. Jane walked slowly to hers a moment later. She could only imagine what Emily was thinking and feeling right now.
...
Emily was drowning in thoughts of David. She had gone back to bed after Lee left, and she stayed there all day. She didn't answer any text messages or phone calls. She knew Nigel was worried about her. She knew Jane and Andy were too. She didn't care. She just lay there staring at the ceiling and wished a black hole would swallow her up. Her heart hurt to think of Mary. She kept seeing Mel's bright smile and twinkling eyes.
At four in the afternoon, there was pounding on her door. She opened her eyes blearily and contemplated letting them pound away. She didn't care.
"Emily!" Lee's voice called loudly. "If you don't open this door in twenty seconds, I'm going to break it down."
Not wanting to pay to get it fixed, she clambered out of bed and went down the hall to answer. She whipped open the door, angry that he was standing there.
"I told you to leave me alone," she said.
"Not in those exact words," he corrected, "and if you had just answered me and said you were okay, I wouldn't have had the sudden thought that you might have hurt yourself and that was why you weren't answering me."
"I'm fine."
"You're not fine," he argued. "Cos I'm not fine."
"Why does what you feel also apply to me?" she demanded.
"Can we not do this in the hallway?"
"We'll do it wherever I like," she retorted. She wasn't going to let him in. She was afraid of what would happen.
"Fine. We just went through a tragedy together, and I know you're not fine because I'm not fine. I'm never not fine, Emily, so that tells me that if I'm feeling this way, then you are too."
"And so what if I'm not fine?!" she cried. "So what?! What's it to you? Why do you care?"
"Because I care about you!" he exclaimed. He grabbed her arms and gave her a slight shake. "I care about you, Em, and it drives me crazy that you just shut me out. Stop shutting people out who care about you!"
"I don't," she said vehemently.
"I'm watching it firsthand," he insisted.
"Hasn't it occurred to you that maybe I just shut you out?" she asked, taking him aback.
"Why?"
She tried to pull from his grasp, but he held on. He had a determined expression on his face now. She saw one of her neighbors glance at them as they walked past, and she felt embarrassed.
"I don't have to answer that," she said. "Let me go."
"I scare you, don't I?" he asked, hitting a nerve.
"No, you don't." He terrified her, but she wasn't about to tell him that. She tried to pull away again, but he wasn't having it.
"What if I told you that you scare me too," he said, surprising her. She stared at him. He exhaled and let go of her arms, running a hand over his face.
"I think you should leave," she told him quietly.
"I don't want to," he said truthfully.
"I'm not going to hurt myself..."
"It's not because of that," he interrupted. "I just want to be around you. You have this way of making me feel better, and...and I need to feel better right now."
"Lee," she whispered, feeling anxious. This couldn't be happening. He was marrying someone else. What the hell was he doing?
"You're right," he went on. "I deserve better, but I can't stop what I'm doing. Lacy's not all bad. We have good times together. Who's to say we won't last 40 years?"
"You really believe that?"
"I have to."
"That's the thing, Lee, you don't have to. You can leave her and find someone else who makes you happy."
"I don't deserve happiness."
"Why not?"
"Because the Kid died on my watch!" Lee blurted out, startling her. "He died right in front of me when I could have stopped it somehow, even if that meant me dying in his place, and every day I live with that...we all do. I don't deserve to have a good life because he didn't get one...and that's because of me...of us."
"Lee, that's crazy..." she tried.
"It's not," he cut her off. "It's how I see it."
"Then why are you here?" she asked. He took her in, pressing his lips together.
"Because despite everything, you make me feel like I'm home."
"You're confused," she said, withdrawing into her apartment and moving to close the door on him. "Please go deal with that confusion somewhere else."
"Emily..." He stopped her from shutting the door in his face.
"Please just go, Lee."
"I can't stop thinking about it," he went on. "Okay? I can't stop thinking about what pretending to be your boyfriend was like, and I don't know how to stop, but I can't...I can't let myself love you because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you." Emily took in his pained expression and had enough. She couldn't do this anymore. She decided to make a choice because she needed to be free from this.
"Let me make this really easy for you," Emily started. "I'll pass your file on to Jane. I can no longer be your wedding planner."
"Em..."
"It's too late," she cut him off. "I'm not going to confuse you any longer. I quit." She shut the door in his face then, and then she burst into tears.
...
Lee had never felt so confused in his life. When Lacy came home, he braced himself for her wrath. She sat down in the chair across from him and waited. He raised his eyes to look at her, knowing she needed an explanation.
"I didn't come home because I couldn't sleep and I needed to process everything," he told her. It wasn't the entire truth, but he didn't want to make things worse by making her think something happened when nothing had.
"Did you sleep with Emily?" she asked.
"No," he answered firmly. The fact she automatically went there was a bit hurtful. He was confused, yes, but he wasn't one to do anything with someone while still being with someone else. He needed to sort his shit out, and he would.
"Tell me what happened yesterday," she instructed, letting it go. He felt relief.
And he told her.
A Week Later
Mel's funeral was incredibly hard to sit through. Emily felt like she couldn't take it anymore by the time it was over. Nigel and Jane had sat on either side of her, and Jane had held her hand the entire time. She'd seen Lee near the back alone. She avoided his gaze. He'd left the agency as planned. He no longer worked with them, so Emily at least felt a little relief that he wouldn't be sitting in her office with her every day anymore. He hadn't called or texted her, so that was a relief too. Having some space from him was good.
When everything was over, she'd gone back to sit in a pew with her thoughts for a while. She found Mary sitting at the front. It hurt her heart to think about how they were supposed to stand up there and get married, not stand there and talk about Mel's life and refer to him in the past tense.
Mary heard her coming and turned to look at her.
"Hello, love," Mary said. Emily made her way down to her and sat next to her.
"Hi, Mary," she said back. She noticed Mary was holding the urn in her hands on her lap. It made Emily's throat burn.
"He used to say, 'Make plans and watch God laugh,'" Mary said to her after a moment. "He used to say a lot of things."
"I'm so sorry, Mary," Emily said in a whisper. Mary gave a watery smile.
"There's nothing to be sorry about," she assured Emily. "He's in a good place, waiting for me. When I get there, we'll see each other again."
"He really loved you," Emily said, her throat tight. It was very obvious how much. Melvin had shown it in every possible way, right down to the way he looked at her.
"I know," Mary replied. "I loved him too. I waited my whole life for him. I guess I can wait a few more years." She patted Emily's hand. "Don't ever wait for someone you love if you can help it. Find them. Be with them. Don't be afraid."
Emily just nodded, unable to speak. It made her think of Lee. She looked at the tears running down Mary's cheeks and knew she had to get out of there before she burst into sobs herself.
"If you ever need anything," Emily managed to say.
"I will call you," Mary promised. "You take care, Emily."
"You too," Emily whispered back. "Excuse me." She got up and hurried towards the exit. She burst out of the doors and gasped for air. The sobs came next. Next thing she knew, she was being wrapped up in someone's arms.
"It's okay," Lee said to her, pressing his hand into the back of her head and holding her close. "I've got you."
"Oh God," Emily choked out. Then she full out bawled. She didn't know how Lee knew to wait outside for her. She didn't care. All she cared about was the fact he was there. He cared about her, and it had been a very long time since someone had cared about her like this. Despite all her efforts of pushing him away, he kept coming back. He broke through all her walls. He saw her for who she was and wasn't bothered by it. He was just like David.
David.
"I c-can't," she said, pushing back from Lee. To have him meant to lose him, and she couldn't lose anymore people. He wasn't supposed to be hers to have anyway, and he'd just told her the last time they spoke that he couldn't leave Lacy because he didn't deserve Emily. He'd left without ever being hers anyway.
"I'm just a friend consoling another friend," Lee told her, gripping her arms. "Okay? That's it."
She felt like he was lying, but in that moment, she'd take it. She didn't want to be alone anyway. She allowed him to pull her back into an embrace, and they stayed that way for a long time.
...
Lee felt drained as he went to bed that night. Lacy crawled in beside him and reached to hold his hand in hers.
"You okay?" she asked. She knew the funeral had been today. She'd tried to get off work to come, but she hadn't been able to. Lee didn't care.
"I will be," he answered.
"Do you want to go away for Christmas?" she asked. It made him think about a voicemail he'd gotten from Tyler earlier in the week. He hadn't mentioned it because he'd had other things on his mind.
"I can't," he answered. "Tyler wants to come."
"Oh."
"Sorry."
"No, it's okay. I'd like to meet your brother."
"I'll get him fitted into a tux while he's here."
"I...I want to talk to you about that," Lacy said hesitantly.
"What?"
"I think I'd like someone else to plan our wedding with us moving forward."
"That's fine."
He felt her turn her head to look at him, but he didn't look back. He didn't want her to see the pain in his eyes in the semi-darkness. Emily had stuck to her guns about quitting being his wedding planner, and he knew it wasn't wise to continue with her after all of this anyway. He just hadn't told Lacy about the change yet. He wanted her to think it was her idea.
"Good. Can Jane do it?"
"Yea. I'll have her call you."
"Great."
There was silence for a bit. Lee still wondered at times if he was doing the right thing, but he didn't even know what was the right thing anymore. He felt Lacy move, and her lips brushed his cheek gently.
"Love you," she said.
"Love you too."
For the first time ever, he wondered if he didn't mean it.
...
Emily was at the office. She never let any of the others know that she actually, in fact, adored the damn kittens. She was sitting amongst them now with Soapy supervising. She had a bottle of scotch beside her and a glass in her hand. She sipped every so often and smiled as the kittens crawled all over her. They were just four and a half weeks old and already trying to explore.
"Don't ever grow up," she said to them. "Cos when you do, you find out that life f***ng sucks."
"So cynical," Nigel commented, startling her. She looked up from the floor, and he chuckled as he sat down beside her. She handed him the bottle, and he drank straight from it since he didn't have a glass.
"Why are you here?" she asked him.
"Because I knew you'd be here, and I knew you'd need a friend."
"Don't tell anyone," she warned, her right hand stroking a kitten softly.
"I won't tell anyone that you really do have a heart and love the kittens," Nigel promised. He picked on up as it made its way towards him. He cuddled it against his chest with one hand.
"I feel so broken, Nigel," Emily whispered.
"I know."
"I gave Lee's wedding to Jane."
"I heard."
"I fell for the groom," Emily said, her voice tight and emotional. "I broke the number one rule."
"I think the groom fell for the wedding planner first," Nigel countered. "He's always looked like he's loved you. We've all seen it."
"But he's marrying her anyway."
"He's an idiot."
Emily laughed and then started to cry. Nigel slid an arm around her shoulder, and she rested her head on his. Soapy pressed against her now, sensing her distress.
"What am I gonna do?" she asked.
"I think...no, I know you're gonna be okay," Nigel answered. "Take some time off."
"I can't. You know that's not me. I have to work."
"Fine, then do lots of self-care. What do you wanna do next weekend? I'll keep it wide open for you."
"I can't ask you to do that."
"I'm offering," Nigel insisted. "I love you, Emily. You're like a sister to me, and I want to help you feel better." She looked at him with wet eyes and knew he meant it. She gave a small, teary smile. He was like a brother to her too.
"Maybe a hike would be nice," she caved after a moment.
"Deal."
They sat there together with kittens climbing them like a tree, and Emily wondered if she'd ever be the same ever again.
I just want to thank those who have been reviewing and reading :) It means a lot to know my story is being enjoyed.