Songs I listened to while writing this chapter: Hotshots by Joseph Trapanese, Robinson by Siddhartha Khosla, and Light Ahead by Really Slow Motion
Jane sank down on the bed and stared at the wall. She could hear Kevin walking around, brushing his teeth and spitting every so often. She put a hand on her belly, not knowing how to feel in this moment. She barely felt Kevin come sit next to her after a while.
"Hey," he said softly, touching her arm. "You okay?"
"This is all just too much," Jane said, looking at him. "How did this day start with a wedding and end with...with this?"
"I don't know."
"I feel so bad for Emily."
"I know. Me too."
"Promise me you won't ever get shot," Jane ordered. Kevin looked like he wanted to chuckle since he wrote a wedding column and didn't think a bride would get that angry at him for what he wrote, but he sobered up quickly and nodded slowly.
"I promise," he said. She leaned to rest her head on his shoulder, and he rested a hand on the side of her head, holding her close.
...
Andrea cried nonstop ever since she got home. She couldn't eat. She forced herself to shower but could barely see what she was doing. She ignored texts from Kyle. She felt guilty that he was alive and well, not that it was his fault. She just couldn't imagine being in Emily's shoes right now. How was it that you could be going along just fine and then not?
Misty Blue climbed into her lap, trying to comfort her, but it made her feel sadder. She remembered Lee bringing Soapy into their office and announcing she was their new office cat. She remembered how carefully he'd held all four kittens in his arms with a smile on his face as they meowed and yawned at him before trying to crawl all over him.
"Oh God," she whimpered, hugging Misty Blue tighter. The cat didn't protest. She knew Andy needed this moment.
...
Nigel was pounding on his punching bag harder and harder, making his kitten, Gismo, run for cover at the sound. He'd started doing this after the whole Scott incident and seeing Lee handle the man like he was barely five pounds. He liked knowing that one day, if he had to, he could protect his girls: Andy, Jane, and Emily. Even Alison. He considered them family, and he hated when one of them was hurt. His mind flashed to Emily's face, her screaming. He pounded harder. Life wasn't fair. None of this was fair. He beat himself up for not getting behind Josh sooner and taking him down. Maybe none of this would have happened. If he had just followed his gut that Emily's marriage wasn't right, maybe all of this could have been avoided. If he'd just realized sooner that David was a liar and a creep, Emily wouldn't be hurting right now. Maybe she'd be happy and would have run off with Lee.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
It was a lot of maybes, and he needed to think them through. It was his way of coping.
...
Tool held his pipe in his fingers, but he wasn't smoking. Caesar, Gunner, and Toll were sitting in the room with him. None of them were making a sound. It had been a few hours since Barney's last call. All of them felt very useless and helpless.
"Remember when Lee got chased by that dog?" Toll asked. The others looked at him. Tool knew what Toll was trying to do. He was trying to bring up memories that would help them to not feel so choked and suffocated right now.
"Ha, yea," Caesar said, snorting. "It took a big chunk out of his pants."
"He claimed Lacy had given him those knickers," Gunner added, snickering.
"Oh yea! Big red hearts," Toll said, remembering. He started to laugh too.
"His socks never matched," Caesar went on. "Drove me nuts. I mean, how hard is it to put your socks in pairs?"
"He stole your snacks all the time," Gunner told Caesar. "On missions."
"He what?!"
"Oh yea," Toll said, recalling. "He shared with us a few times."
"Then he told you he saw a rat in your bag eating your shit when you commented on stuff missing," Gunner chortled, looking at Caesar, who was looking disgruntled.
"I knew it," Caesar said after a moment. "I knew he was stealing my shit."
"Oh, God, remember for Thanksgiving last year he bought the cherry pie and let on he'd made it?" Toll said next.
"Obviously, he was not afraid of you," Gunner said to Caesar.
"Hang on," Caesar said, holding up a hand. "That was store bought?!"
"Oh, shit," Toll laughed. "You didn't know?!"
"No! How did you know?!"
"The receipt was hanging out of his pant pocket!"
"His explanation of how he'd made it was phenomenal," Gunner reasoned. "I mean, fighting for the last can of cherries in the store? Epic. I even believed him until Toll told me."
"Ugh, I hate all of you," Caesar said, shaking his head.
"We love you too," Toll said back, smiling. Tool was just listening quietly, and he watched the men's smiles start to fade as the present moment hit them hard again.
"He knows," Tool spoke up now, making them look at him. "He knows we love him."
"God, I hope so," Toll said, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand.
"I don't have any brothers," Gunner said, "but you all are my family, and I'm thankful for that every day."
"Amen, brother," Caesar said.
"Here, here," Toll added. Tool reached for his whiskey glass and held it up; the others held up their glasses too.
"To Lee," Tool said.
"To Lee," the others echoed.
...
Jane opened the door to find both Andy and Nigel standing there. It was ten thirty at night.
"You can't sleep either, huh?" she asked them.
"Nope," Nigel answered, his voice tinged with sadness.
"Come on in," Jane said, moving aside to let them pass. Kevin was brewing coffee in the kitchen. Jane knew he didn't know what else to do right now.
"Have you heard from Emily?" Andy asked as she sat down at the table. She left her coat on. Nigel draped his on the back of his chair before sitting down.
"No," Jane answered. "She hasn't replied to my texts or answered the phone when I called."
"I hope she's okay," Andy said sadly.
"She's had one hell of a day," Nigel commented, rubbing his face with his hand. He thanked Kevin as he put a plate of cookies on the table in front of him. He didn't reach for one, though.
"It's not even me, and yet I feel so devastated," Andy went on. "I can't imagine how she's feeling."
"Barney's still with her, right?" Jane asked, looking at them.
"I assume so," Nigel answered. "He left with her."
"More like dragged her out," Andy corrected.
"Thank God someone is looking after her right now. Although, he looked rough himself," Jane noted.
"It's his best friend. I'd be gutted too," Nigel said with a heavy sigh. "Hell, I am gutted. I considered Lee a friend." Kevin started passing around coffee mugs next, and they accepted. Jane had her water. No one else said anything for a bit, and Kevin reached to hold Jane's hand after he sat down next to her.
"Who has Soapy?" Andy asked suddenly.
"Emily," Jane answered. She felt relief about that too. The poor cat had been trapped in Lee's truck the entire time until Jane had remembered her, but it seemed Emily had remembered her too. She'd asked to take her home, and Jane hadn't argued.
"Oh, good. That poor thing," Andy said sadly.
"I know," Jane agreed. As if magically summoned, Lucifer came tearing out from his hiding spot and leaped onto Jane's lap. She rested her hand on his warm little body, appreciating that he cared.
They stayed together until the small hours of the night before Jane got them settled on a couch and on a guest bed to sleep. She felt a bit better having her friends close.
She just wished they could have been there for Emily, but she could only hope that Barney was doing a well enough job.
...
Tool almost didn't expect Barney to answer his phone, but he did after four rings.
"Yea?" he said.
"Just checking in," Tool said back. "How are you, brother?"
"Not great."
"How is Emily?"
"Worse off than me."
"Is there anything I can do?" Tool asked. He heard Barney sigh, and then there was silence. Tool waited him out, knowing his friend was thinking.
"There really is nothing you can do," Barney answered finally.
"The boys are feeling it," Tool said, running a hand over his hair a bit roughly. "Hell, I'm feeling it. I'm trying to remember the last thing I said to Christmas."
"Probably something witty and sarcastic," Barney said. "And you probably tried to get him to let you tattoo something on his head again."
"Oh, yea," Tool said, chuckling. "I was thinking of a skull version of his face on the back of his head. He was not impressed." Barney gave a snort before he started to cough, which Tool knew was a coverup for his real emotion of sadness.
"If you need anything, you call me," Tool said after Barney didn't say anything else.
"Yea, I will. Thanks, brother."
Tool felt hollow when he hung up the phone. He knew Barney was struggling, even though he wouldn't admit it. It pained him to not be able to help him. He sank down into his chair and lit his pipe.
It was going to be a very long night.
...
Barney hung up the phone and sighed heavily. He could hear the shower running and Emily crying in it. Soapy the cat was sitting right outside the door, waiting for her. Tigger was running back and forth, unsure of who to be with: Emily or Barney. Barney got to his feet and started pacing again. He really didn't know what to do with himself. He kept hearing the defibrillator over and over again in his head.
Needing air, he stepped out on the balcony and leaned his hands on the railing. The city was active below him, and he couldn't understand how the world just kept moving without a care.
A nudge against his legs alerted him to the fact that Soapy had given up waiting for Emily and sensed he needed comfort too.
"Hey, you," Barney said, bending down to scoop her up with one hand. He held her against his chest, rubbing her head and around her ears. "I know. I miss him too." Her purrs vibrated against him. Of all things, he'd never pictured Lee owning a cat, but this cat was different. He could see Lee entertaining her and talking to her like she could talk back. Something about her made Barney feel she was listening attentively.
"Barney?"
He turned to see Emily standing at the doorway in a fresh pair of clothes.
"Yea?"
"I can make up the sofa bed for you," she said. "I'm sorry I don't...I don't have a guest room."
"It's alright. I've slept on worse things."
"Okay."
She turned and padded away, and he continued petting Soapy until he felt a chill starting. There was no sense in risking getting sick. He came inside and set the cat down, who tore down the hallway to Emily's room with Tigger on her heels. He sank down on the couch and tilted his head back. He knew he wasn't going to sleep. He knew she wasn't going to either. He was glad she wasn't alone. If he was honest, he was glad he wasn't alone.
There was no sense in suffering alone.
...
Emily didn't remember much after leaving the hospital. She knew she had to change out of that dress. The memory of the blood made her stomach roll. She'd disposed of it, not caring to save it. The memory of Lee jerking from the defibrillator made her want to throw up. She was lying on her bed with Soapy lying half on her neck and half on her chest while Tigger crawled over her legs. Emily stroked her fur gently. She remembered the day Lee had rescued this cat. She remembered him looking after the kittens after they were first born and making her help. She remembered everything about Lee that she knew of him from the first moment she met him.
God, it just hurt so much.
"I miss him," she whispered to Soapy, who gave a bit of a chirp in response. She'd never heard a cat chirp before, but Soapy did it a lot, especially if she heard Lee in the building. She felt tears slide down her cheeks. It seemed she was never going to stop crying.
Her mind went over the events of that morning over and over again. She felt so stupid. How had she not seen it? How had she let David fool her like this? And why hadn't she listened to both her gut and her heart and said yes to Lee asking her to run off with him? Why hadn't she just listened to herself and called off the wedding? None of this would have happened if she had. She was sure of it. Or maybe David would have killed her anyway. She shivered. She was glad not to have found out.
After a while, she forced herself to get up and help Barney make up the sofa bed. He didn't say much. She was grateful for his company, though. She couldn't imagine being here alone. She was dodging Jane's texts and calls because she couldn't handle their pain on top of hers. With Barney, he helped with her pain...he didn't add to it. That's what she needed right now.
"Barney," she said once they finished.
"Yea?"
"I...I need to see him."
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, nodding and gasping a little with the fresh tears. "I'm sure."
"Alright."
He helped her into her coat and opened the door for her. She locked up behind him, and they went down together to the street where Barney hailed a cab. She just needed to see him. She didn't care what state he was in.
...
Lee was sitting about a foot away from the partly open door. He was hugging his knees. Billy was sitting beside him, leaning back on his hands with his legs stretched out in front of him.
"It's right there," he commented, making Lee look at him. "You're so close. No more pain. No more suffering. No more anger. No more guilt. All of it disappears. I can promise you that."
"I'm not ready," Lee said.
"You say that, but you came from down there," Billy said, gesturing behind them towards the start of the hallway. "You got to this point and stopped. It's obviously tempting you a little bit."
Lee wasn't about to admit he was curious. He also felt so tired. His brain and body were struggling.
"We're never really ready," Billy went on, "but it happens to us all eventually."
"You said that already."
"I know. I just thought you might need to hear it again."
"You're really not mad at me, or us, for failing you?" Lee asked, looking at the kid again.
"No, because you didn't fail me," Billy answered. "I'm really not mad. I'm good. I just told you." He laughed. "Through that door is something incredible. I'm just fine."
"Then I guess I have to take your word for it," Lee said. He sighed.
"It's her, isn't it?"
"What?"
"You're not ready to leave her."
"No, I'm not."
"She'll be alright," Billy said softly. "Sophia...she was alright after a while."
"How do you know?"
"They let me check on her."
"They?"
"I can't say anymore on this side of the door," Billy told him.
"Alright."
"I think she wouldn't want you to suffer either," Billy continued. "Right? Just like you wouldn't want her to suffer if roles were reversed."
"I just really hate to think that I'm leaving her behind before we could start something that I know was going to be the best thing in my life," Lee said.
"I know."
"Maybe I'm dying because I'm not going to be the best thing in her life."
"There you go being negative again," Billy sighed, tsking at him.
"I'm hardwired that way."
"Well, stop it."
Lee gave a slight laugh and then breathed in and out slowly, knowing it was time. He got to his feet, and Billy did too.
"If you're lying to me," Lee warned, pointing at him. Billy laughed.
"I'm not," he promised.
"Thank you," Lee added. "For...for helping me forgive myself."
"Anytime, brother," Billy said with a smile. He moved in to hug Lee, who accepted. Then he stepped back and waited. Lee hesitated, his feet wanting to move but his body screaming at him to stay.
"Alright," he said. "Here we go."
He reached for the doorknob.
...
Emily couldn't believe she was seeing this again. Barney's hands were holding her shoulders tightly as the hospital staff worked on Lee again. They'd gotten him stable the last time, but barely just. Emily had been so reluctant to leave, but everyone had convinced her she needed to go home and change, shower, and eat (she'd done two out of three). They'd told her Lee would be all right for now, that they'd monitor him. She could come back later.
And here she was, barely back at the hospital, only to find Lee crashing again.
"Charging!" one of the nurses shouted.
"I can't stand it," Emily said, tearing out of Barney's grasp.
"Emily!" he called, but she ignored him. She pushed into the room, dodging the staff's hands trying to push her back out. She grabbed Lee's face with her hands and kissed him hard. She was yanked off seconds later, the staff yelling at her.
"Come back to me, Lee!" she shouted, dragging her feet as they pulled her away. "I need you! COME BACK! LEE, COME BACK!"
She was shoved out the door, and Barney grabbed a hold of her again while she continued shrieking for Lee to come back through the doorway. Everything else around her started to feel like a blur.
...
Lee stopped, turning his head at the sound of her voice. Billy turned too. Lee couldn't believe what he was seeing.
"Emily?" he said.
"Lee," she said back. She was standing at the other end of the hallway, her hand stretched out towards him. "Come back to me, Lee. I need you. Come back!" There were tears in her eyes and there was desperation in her voice. He hated to see her like that.
"Emily," Lee repeated, taking a step towards her. He was feeling a bit stronger suddenly, the weariness lifting.
"Lee," Billy said. "You're going the wrong way, man. It's time, remember?"
Lee stopped halfway down the hall and looked back at him. Then he looked at Emily, who was crying harder now and saying his name, still begging him to come back. He needed to get to her, to let her know he was alright. He needed to be with her.
He needed to live.
He looked back at Billy one last time.
"Not yet," he answered.
"Alright," Billy said, a smile on his lips. "See you later, man."
"Not for a long time," Lee corrected, and then he turned his back on Billy the Kid and walked straight towards Emily, reaching to grab her hand and pull her into him. The next thing he knew, he was hearing sounds of people shouting and machines beeping and shrieking.
His eyes flew open, and he gasped in air.