8

It was confirmed. A baby. Ianto watched Jack being torn between embracing the joy of the child and the sorrow of losing his mother. Ianto tried to imagine what it would feel like to lose his mother but also knew he did not love his mother as Jack loved his. It was a cruel blow, even if it had been necessary.

Jax was settled once more with his sisters gushing all over him and Ianto finally got a moment to himself. He stood looking at himself in the mirror or the bathroom as he silently berated himself for being such a horrible person, such a vile, nasty contemptible…

"It's OK" Jack said behind him, making him jump and swing to look at him. Jack continued "It does not make you a bad person to be happy Mama is gone. I know she made your life hell and I also know you feel sorry about it too, for me. It's OK love."

Ianto told himself to have better firewalls as he smiled and reached for him "Sorry Cariad. It's the hormones, I am so full of horribles."

"No… full of lovely" Jack said as he reached out to cup the belly "Wonderful gorgeous lovelies. The Gods are kind… Mama is gone but now a part of her will live on."

Ianto forced a weak smile "Yes my darling, so true."

Come on darling, let's comfort the children and your poor father… if it helps, maybe he would like a cuddle with Jax?" Ianto suggested, then added softly "I am so tired. I might have a little cat nap."

"Awwww, the baby already making you tired" Jack crooned, "What a beastly baby"

Ianto waited until everyone as gone and flopped on the bed, screaming into the pillow before rolling to his back and then he took a deep cleansing breath. He was not sure if he had won but it sure as hell felt like it.

.

.

Ianto went down to the evening meal and was immediately aware of the silence as he walked toward his husband. Jack rose and pulled out the chair with delight, letting Ianto sit and pushing him in, leaning in to kiss him before seating himself once more.

"Such a shame" a young man sat sitting opposite, "Jack said you had lovely long hair. You cut it?"

"Yes" Ianto said then felt a tingle. Ah. Blood to Jack? "I had to evade those hunting me on the train young Prince Gray."

"It will grow back" Gray smiled weakly "And anyway… at least the ink came out. You are so pretty. For a man."

"thank you, your brother is being understanding of the loss, even if it does hurt" Ianto said with a return smile, letting his head fall forward to let the hair fall over his face as he did when a small child with this length.

Ah.

Ianto suddenly remembered all the different hairstyles his nanny used to put his hair up in and he was filled with warmth. Yes. Make a silk purse of this. Yes. He can do that.

.

.

Ianto knew he had to reconnect with Jack, had to reaffirm the bond while things were so raw and so he sat and brushed his hair carefully, watching the long flecks of it curl around his face like a caress. Saddened at the loss of length even as he knew Jack still found this attractive.

Right?

He heard the bedroom door and rose to face his husband, his roe open and flowing back as he walked towards the man who was standing transfixed with wide eyes.

Ianto was naked except for the open gown, his manhood on display as well as the nest of dark blue hair. Ianto knew they had never done this, despite their… touching…. They had never looked at one another like this and as he stood there letting the robe fall to revel his body and the small, barely there bump Ianto knew he had made a tactical mistake.

Jack stepped back.

Ianto felt the flare of shame, stooping to snatch up the robe and hold it over himself as Jack continued to back pedal to the door at he stuttered that he was sorry he had not knocked.

Then he was gone and Ianto was left feeling so empty.

.

.

"What's wrong boy?"

"Oh Taddy… I made a mistake" Ianto said with open sorrow, the despair raw as he let a tear roll down his cheek "I tried to seduce my husband. I wanted… I wanted to comfort him and strengthen our bond but when he saw me naked he… he… fled."

"Perhaps you startled him love" the king said softly "You… well… you have your mother's presence ya know. He might have felt small next to you."

"No… no… you've not met him. Not shared space with him… Taddy… even Mama would be hard pressed to match Jack… he fills a room" Ianto smiled softly, then it slid away as he sniffled.

"Maybe it's the baby" the king finally offered "did the spark want comfort? Love? Or maybe.. in that moment it felt your love and was jealous? You know, when your Mama was pregnant with Pip I was not able to get near her. The little one hated anyone else getting her affection."

Ianto had not considered this and as his father wished him well Ianto was left feeling alone.

Something he never thought he would feel again.