Mal appears in this chapter and he's the absolute worst. You've been warned.
the bond
her
For the first time in years, Alina wakes up without the need of an alarm or with her mother shouting orders at her. She wakes up feeling well-rested and… happy. Or at least she thinks this is how happiness used to feel.
Although she hoped Eryk would join her in bed, she can't complain when Iris licks her face as a greeting. Alina doesn't know if it's because the dog has training under her belt, but she feels like Iris has helped her tremendously to have a goodnight's sleep. It also didn't hurt that Eryk's shirt smelled like him and felt like a warm hug. She wanted to be close to him but in the absence of him, his shirt did the trick. Now she was just hoping to steal it from him without him noticing.
The house is quiet in the morning, not even sounds from the outside shattering the light and cozy atmosphere that reins in Eryk's home. She wonders if he left, maybe to jog or run errands. She wonders if he will extend her the same kindness he did last night. Now that the moon was not high in the sky, he could decide he wanted nothing with her and send her on his way.
She's afraid of what this morning has in store for them if she's being honest.
Yesterday, she didn't think much as she ditched the party and promised Eryk's boss she would video chat with his niece in return for Eryk's home address. Alina thought at best she would get Eryk to accompany her for a couple of hours before they parted ways. She didn't expect to find herself waiting for him as he was out jogging. She didn't expect him to open the doors of his house and to have a deep, meaningful conversation with her.
There was no reason as to why she didn't expect that, after all, they have been steadily growing more comfortable with each other with calls — and mostly calls, because Eryk's phone didn't have the option to do video calls and he was just barely becoming comfortable with casual texting. But still, a part of her was apprehensive. She feared that maybe their relationship was meant to be a distant one. That the only bond they could create was only meant to be sustained by texts and calls.
The truth is that Alina hadn't reached out to someone in years. She hadn't gone out of her way to truly bond with anyone. She feared Eryk was just indulging her, entertaining her because he felt sorry for the person he saw about to jump off a balcony while he was doing his job. She had thought about that, about how maybe he was just doing his job of keeping her safe.
However, after the conversation they had last night while sitting on the kitchen floor, all her fears and doubts dissipated.
The way Eryk told her the story about Iris, how he opened up about the sad story that had brought his pet into his life was a simple and subtle way for him to show her that she didn't need to worry about their relationship. A way for him to show her that he could open up without a phone to carry his message.
But still. Alina didn't expect how the conversation went from what sounded —and definitely was— an honest invitation for her to spend time with his dog to a conversation about her race or her origins.
The truth is she had never felt the need to address it. She was explicitly forbidden to talk about her heritage and she was probably sure her mother was the only one that knew about how she was the result of a one-night stand. The people at the label didn't know and her team for sure didn't. Her mother was constantly terrified of someone leaking that to the press. So, in turn, Alina had no one to talk to about it.
It hadn't surprised her in the slightest that Eryk didn't know. What had surprised her was how honest he sounded when he apologized. She had lied and told him that she didn't mind explaining because the truth was that she had never explained. There had never been someone to explain, to share about who she was, about where she came from. But she knew as she saw in his eyes, she knew that she could tell him and that he would listen and cherish the information.
Eryk, however, did more than cherish. It had been hard but she had also seen how his eyes showed anger. She had to give it to him because he was clearly skilled in hiding his emotions. However, Alina also had been playing that game for so long she was able to spot how the emotion appeared briefly on his face. There had been no doubt, he was angry about what he was listening to, about what she was telling him.
That had been the main reason why she had yawned and faked being sleepy. Alina couldn't just bear to look at him. No one had been angry because of her. If anything, lately people were always mad at her. Well, 'people' was not the correct word when she really meant to refer to her mother. Keyen was mad at her all the time. Eryk wasn't mad at her, he was mad at what he had listened to. There was a difference and it changed everything. She couldn't bear the idea that someone might truly care for her. That someone might be worried about what she was telling to the point of becoming angry. Of feeling anger about her circumstances.
It had been too much. The conversation was already hard on her, despite how much she wanted to project nonchalance, there was a wave of sadness that surged through her body. But on top of that, Alina had also had to process how Eryk was reacting to her words and she simply couldn't. She wasn't strong enough.
Alina had left the party in hopes of just having a fun time with him and she ended up revealing so much more to him than to any other person since she stepped into the spotlight. She wasn't a fool, she knew that Eryk was becoming an important person in her life. Someone that she truly liked and trusted, someone she felt safe and heard. He was an anomaly.
One of these things is not like the other.
That's how her mother had described him. There had been an odd edge to Keyen's words, but Alina didn't fucking care. She liked that he wasn't like the rest of the people in her life.
He showed her time and time again. By caring and listening. By being respectful and friendly and kind to her.
That's why she's afraid right now as she lays in his bed with his dog next to her. What if that was all an illusion perfectly crafted by the moon and the stars? What if last night she opened up too much and he decided he wasn't interested? Wasn't that the reason he decided to sleep far away from her?
Alina doesn't have the answers to the questions her mind annoys her with. As Iris sets her head on her belly, she decides that it's pointless to stay in bed any longer. In the end, she decides to get out of bed and face the music. Staying in his bed like a scared little girl won't change anything if things have already changed.
"Thank you, Iris. You really are the best girl," Alina says before she slips out of bed and walks to the living room, with Iris following her.
At first, she thinks she's alone, but then her eyes fall on the couch, and she realizes Eryk's there, still asleep. He didn't leave her alone, he didn't go and left a note asking her to get out of his place. He stayed.
She makes her way towards him, trying to be closer so that she can look at him properly. Kneeling down at the back of the couch, trying to keep a barrier between them, Alina takes a couple of seconds to look at Eryk. She doesn't know if she'll get another chance to look at his face up close, and she has no plans of wasting this moment. Because he looks…
Well, he looks absolutely gorgeous.
Alina was thirteen years old the first time she ever saw 'Pride and Prejudice' but she still remembers vividly the moment when Elizabeth saw the marble replica made of Mr. Darcy's face. That is exactly how Alina feels right at this moment. She feels like she's looking at something so beautiful, so perfect that doesn't belong to this planet.
He seems so peaceful, his features completely relaxed, at ease. A part of her wondered if he frowned or scowled when he slept, a way of his personality still shining through, even when he slept. But she's surprised to find him like this; messy hair, eyes closed, that cute beauty mark under his eye, lips in something that might be the ghost of a smile… She could count his eyelashes now if she wanted to. Instead, she carefully pushes away a rebel strand of black hair that falls on his forehead.
It almost makes her want to cry, because not only is Eryk beautiful, but he also seems to be a kind person. Yes, he might be a little rough around the edges. Yes, he might be a little too quiet. Yes, he might behave like an old man. But he offered kindness and treated her with respect. There weren't many people out there that behaved like that, at least not around her.
She silently thanks him before making her way to the kitchen. Maybe she can cook for him, as a way of saying thank you. It's not like she knows how to cook, but as she looks around his fridge and spots eggs, bacon, and bread, she thinks it can't be that hard, right?
Wrong.
She grabs a pan and after putting some butter on it she cracks the eggs. Both yellows come out horribly, instead of the perfect circle she expected to see. Still, she tries to put on a smile, it doesn't matter if it looks ugly, it's food! What's important is that it tastes delicious, no? Alina tries to remain optimistic but somehow she ends up burning the eggs, or at least the bottom part looks charred, and the top seems like it's still raw.
"Do you even know how to cook?" Eryk asks, scaring the living shit out of her and making her drop the pan to the floor. He's leaning against the doorframe. His hair is less messy and he looks more awake than she expected. There's a mocking smile on his face and amusement in his eyes. At least he doesn't seem mad about the whole ordeal, not even as his eyes leave her body to pay attention to the mess that's currently displayed on his floor. Iris doesn't even try to come closer, even the dog must know that whatever crap Alina tried to cook is inedible.
She feels embarrassed now. She really wanted to show her appreciation and instead, she wasted his food and made a mess in the kitchen.
"I'm sorry! I just wanted to make you breakfast, to say thank you. I thought… Well, I thought eggs couldn't be that hard right?" She fake chuckles, hugging herself, trying to make herself small.
"Sit down," he orders, making his way towards her.
"What?" She asks, confused as to what he means. She thought he wasn't angry at her, but what if he was?
"Sit on the stool, Alina," he repeats, calm and collected. She does as he says while he bends down to clean the mess she made on the floor. When he gets up, he looks at her. "I saw you devour a bag of Cheetos yesterday, but do you have any dietary restrictions?"
Yes. There is, in fact, an overly detailed meal plan on her phone right now. But that was for when she was eating out or something, her usual meals consisted of coffee and red bulls, sometimes coke or a fruit. Her usual breakfast would be an energy drink and a granola bar. But this is his house, her mother isn't here, no one from her team is.
Alina smiles, bright and big, a little mischievous. "Can you make french toast?"
His smile matches hers.
Eryk starts to work on her request immediately, moving gracefully around his kitchen. She supposes it helps that he knows where everything is, but she knows there's something about him, about the way he commands himself that it makes the whole deal captivating. She knows she's not the only one that thinks so, because his certain je ne sais quoi shone through, making Twitter fall in love with him.
After a couple of minutes, he presents her with a lovely plate with two loaves of bread and an assortment of berries. Alina is positively salivating.
"The best I could do with little time and the ingredients I had. I hope you enjoy it," he says, sending a smirk her way before he starts to work on his own breakfast.
Alina has spent the past few years eating the best foods and the worst foods, with hunger always two steps away from her, ready to dig his claws into her skin. She knows there are probably restaurants and chefs that could do this dish better, but after she takes her first bite she knows this is the best food she's had in a while.
The obscene noise that comes out of her mouth is enough proof.
He chuckles, joining her with his own french toast. "I take it I did a good job."
"I haven't… I haven't eaten something so good in a while," she admits while looking at him. It's impossible to miss the way his features reflect sadness after her own admission. "Thank you."
He shrugs and says nothing, simply getting up from the table before coming back with two mugs of steaming coffee. She sends a smile his way and they both eat their breakfasts in respective silence.
It feels nice, to share a moment with him in silence.
Yesterday, when she sang to him, she did it because she was under the impression that he still hadn't heard her sing, and he had proven her correct. Although part of her wanted to feel offended that he hadn't bothered to listen to her songs, it had all been forgiven after seeing his reaction. She doesn't remember the last time someone reacted like that to her voice and Eryk… Well, it made her feel special, the way he reacted, how moved he seemed after listening to her.
It's also been far too long since she sang something she actually liked. Alina the idea, Alina the singer, was, after all, a manufactured product her mom had agreed to transform her in. That was the biggest irony of it all: the label didn't give a shit about her as a person as long as she became the product they needed to sell to the masses. Instead of her, it could've been literally anyone else. However, she sold her soul and that's why now she was stuck singing songs she didn't like in a range that wasn't the one she felt most comfortable singing. The label wanted a persona and they got it, by all means, they have a star, they just don't have the real Alina.
"Would you like to accompany me today?" She asks once he has finished his coffee. "I'm going to visit children at the hospital and I have a photoshoot. I would like your company," she adds, a little bit shy. After a second, she realizes she shouldn't feel like that. They were friends, he liked her. There was no need to act coy. "And what are you going to do anyway? Be an old man and go to the bank? Feed the ducks at the park? You know they aren't supposed to eat bread, no?"
Eryk seems amused by her sassiness but doesn't immediately respond to her invitation. Instead, when he does, he surprises her.
"I am not sure your mother will be happy to see me there." It's not a rejection of her proposal. Instead, he's just pointing out an important part of the situation, but that's something she can deal with. So she smiles at him and battles her eyelashes before making him change clothes so they can spend their day together.
Just like he said, Keyen is indeed furious when they appear together at the hotel, but Alina doesn't give a rat's ass.
"What do you mean he's going to come with us? Bao bei, we need for the public to forget about everything, if he's with us everyone will remember what happened!"
In the end, Alina doesn't even fight her mother, she just decides to ignore her and do what she wants. It helps that her team doesn't seem to mind his presence, she would even go as far as to say that Zoya is even pleased with him. Alina tries not to feel jealous of that. It helps that Eryk seems to be happy to go along with her, especially for the added bonus of annoying her mother.
It's the first time in months Alina goes about her day and she's really happy about it. She doesn't give anyone fake smiles and rehearsed answers, the hugs not as tight nor as false as usual. Sure, it helps that the first stop of the day is to a hospital to visit the children's ward because of all the shit Alina has to do in her day-to-day activities, she loves visiting children. It's one of those things where she has never complained and instead, eagerly looks forward to whenever those were on her schedule.
Alina loves kids, she always had.
She loved that kids were non-judgemental and incredibly welcoming. She loved that they were curious and genuinely excited about her presence. She loved that she was allowed to be more covered up when visiting. She loved that her mother and her team gave her a certain level of freedom and didn't censor her interactions with the children. She loved that her shitty life faded away as she was spending time with the little ones. She loved everything so much she didn't even bother about the cameras followed her everywhere, even inside the hospital.
Many things in her life felt like a circus, but Alina's behavior inside the hospital was as real as she could get these days.
As she starts to sing and dance with the kids, she worries that maybe she made a mistake by inviting Eryk to accompany her. Even if she thinks he's a good man and treats her kindly, he can be very serious and that is not necessarily something that can have a positive impact on the kids. But as she starts to mingle, she finds him sitting on the floor with a couple of boys and girls that are not too keen on her singing and dancing. The girls are practically curled up in his lap as he reads them a story. She can't hear them because of the music, but all of them seem pleased by the situation. Eryk included.
Hours later, after they get in the car and leave the hospital, there is still a small smile on his lips.
"Did you have fun?" She asks, enjoying thoroughly that he brought his car and therefore she can avoid being with her mother and her team, at least for a while.
"I do not spend a lot of time with kids, but this was a pleasant surprise," Eryk explains, following the instructions of the GPS. They are now heading towards Milk Studios, where she's going to have a photo shoot for Vanity Fair. Hopefully, they can get lunch there as well, because she still only has the french toast in her stomach. "You meant a lot to those kids, Alina. It is very nice of you to spend time with them. It is also very nice to see you happy."
His eyes never leave the road as he speaks, but she doesn't need him to look at her to know he means what he says.
Alina is many things in this life but, contrary to what social media and some tabloids want to believe, she's not stupid, not really. She might play dumb and act like an idiot. She might pretend not to know or notice things, but she's not stupid.
Although Alina knows their friendship is real and he genuinely likes to spend time with her, she can't miss how he obviously still worries about her. There's something in his eyes, he's good at hiding his emotions but he cannot completely conceal his worry. It was as if he's still just waiting for her to try and do something. As if he's expecting her to actually jump. She suspects part of the reason why he's indulging her is that he probably just wants her to get help.
It doesn't make their friendship fake. She doesn't even mind. Alina values that he cares for her, that he truly worries.
Something tugs on her heartstring and instead of paying attention to whatever that's supposed to mean, she leans on and kisses his cheek when they stop at a red light.
"You know, you can admit you had fun too. I know you have this big bad wolf façade to maintain because of your job. But admitting that you're having a good time with me won't kill you," Alina says, almost a whisper against his ear before he resumes the drive.
Neither of them says anything until they reach Milk Studios, but it's fine by her, she just spends the rest of the drive checking her social media. Mal still hasn't even sent her a 'u up' text, but she finds that she doesn't care.
The photographer Vanity Fair sent is none other than Vasily Lanstov, a world-renowned photographer that has a bit of a reputation for always getting handsy with the models. When he hugs her she can feel his hands creeping towards her ass, but something stops him. It's only when they separate she realizes Eryk must've sent a glare his way. She really is glad for his presence, because it makes things easier for her as she's styled for the shoot. He's not there at an official bodyguard capacity but if his presence helps to keep everyone's hands away from her, then she'll buy him a gift as a thank you.
However, Eryk's presence can only do so much because once the photoshoot starts, Vasily acts like he's the king of the place and gets to do as he pleases. Hence, why she's removing the top the stylist put her in. All Vasily had to do was say he wanted a couple of topless photos and her mother was already complying to his wishes.
When Alina looks around the room, everyone's eyes are on her. Some lusting over her, others probably finding every imperfection they can possibly come up with, but Eryk… Well, Eryk is the only one that is not looking at her, at least not at her body. He looks right into her eyes, as if her body doesn't exist, as if it doesn't matter because he wants to look straight into her soul.
Alina feels her heart beating almost erratically and she wonders if everyone else can hear, if everyone else notices how much he can do to her with one single look. But then she blinks and Eryk is no longer looking at her. He avoids looking at her until she's dressed and begging him to accompany her to grab a bite of something before she has to go to the dancing studio to rehearse an upcoming choreography.
"Why do you let them do that to you?" He asks after he takes the first bite of his burger. He took her to In-N-Out and bought her her own animal-style fries. She was in heaven.
"Let them do what?" Alina plays dumb as she happily munches on her lunch. She doesn't want to talk about that, much less with him.
"Alina, I know you are not stupid. You know what I am talking about, but fair enough," Eryk says, and it's impossible to miss the way he sounds, almost pained. Does it bother him? Is he a prude who thinks she should cover-up? That doesn't seem to be the right answer. "Why do you let them tell you what to do? You were uncomfortable, you could have said something."
"I don't get to say many things Eryk. I think you know that, or at least you should know that by now," she comments, trying not to sound too defensive, but she just doesn't want to talk about it so she ends up acting like an ass. "Why does it bother you anyway? Any guy in the world wants to see my tits and you got a front-row seat. You should be bragging about that!"
"I didn't see Alina, you know very well I did not look at your body. You were clearly uncomfortable and I have no interest in looking at something you don't want me looking at," he says and Alina sighs. Suddenly, she's not hungry anymore.
"It sells. Sex sells and female bodies sell. I happen to have a great body so I use it to sell," she says, looking at her fries and realizing all she wants to do is throw up.
She's so fed up with the lies, with the crap. He's right, she was uncomfortable, but she's uncomfortable all the time. What Vasily did is just another moment to throw into the pile. Her mother agreeing and practically undressing her is just her regular behavior. The only thing out of the ordinary was Eryk not looking. The only thing out of the ordinary is Eryk worrying about her.
The only thing out of the ordinary is Eryk.
"I didn't take you for a prude," is what she ends up saying because she doesn't want the conversation to continue. She shoves her fries and burger to his side, trying and failing not to look at him.
His eyes are filled with infinite disappointment and he doesn't bother to dignify her childish comment with a response. That hurts more than she expected.
They don't talk until Eryk drives her to the dancing studio and she decides she simply doesn't want to part on bad terms with him. Especially when all he was doing was showing how much he cared about her well-being.
"I'm going to Miami later today. I'm going to film a video and do more promo for the album, but I would still like to talk to you if that's alright," she says, not looking at him, terrified that he might leave her there, and decides to never talk to her again.
"And why would you want to talk to me?" He asks, his voice calm but warm. She kinda hates him because she's the one with the voice, that's supposed to be her thing, and yet, there he is…
"Because you didn't look Eryk. Because you were the only one who didn't look." She looks at him while admitting to that, only to find that he's already looking at her. Dark eyes scrutinizing her, studying her, probably trying to look beyond her skin, looking for something beyond what his eyes can actually see.
Alina wonders what she sees in her. He clearly can see past the bullshit but the question remains. She doesn't even know what she sees in herself anymore. She can barely recognize the person that looks back at her in the mirror, much less in the photos whether they come from tabloids, magazines, or Twitter stan accounts. If she doesn't know who she is anymore, then what does he see in her? A poor misguided girl? An exploited singer? Someone willing to sell her body and soul? She might be curious, but she also doesn't want to know. Maybe the answer will not be something she expects or something she even likes.
"I would like it if you call from Miami," he ends up saying and she smiles in surprise.
"You would?" She asks, showing her obvious surprise, being completely unable to hide that.
"Consider it mercy. Florida has to be the worst state and I am just offering to help you survive your stay there," he says and she barks a laugh in response.
"You see? I knew that you were having a good time with me. I'll consider this as you officially admitting that."
Eryk doesn't object to her comment. Nor does he object when she asks if he can accompany her inside the studio. After all, Mal is not known for arriving on time to their sessions.
He's with her when Mal finally appears.
Alina has changed into her dancing clothes; a bra and some shorts that cover absolutely nothing and six-inch heels she needs to master in order not to make a fool of herself when they shoot the video. She's been telling Eryk more about everything she's going to do during her trip. Alina just made him promise that he will send her pictures of Iris when Mal coughs to make himself known.
Which… odd. For as long as she can remember, she has always known when Mal enters a room. Her attention always went to him, it's just how it has always been. She's a moth and he's the flame. That's just how things were between them. Alina has burned herself so many times over it doesn't even hurt anymore.
She stills remembers the first time they met. She had been beyond herself, so nervous but filled with excitement about meeting someone she had idolized for so long. Mal had lived up to his image in that first meeting. He was a star in every sense of the way, full of ego and zero humility but still, she was just a girl with a crush, living her dream by being able to go on dates with him. The dates were completely fake, and although the gestures were true on her behalf, they were not on his. Alina tried to hang onto the dream but it all came crashing down when Mal was honest about hooking up with other people. Still, Alina decided to stay in the relationship because what else was she going to do? Everyone wanted her to remain with him, especially after he agreed to collaborate in two of her songs and take her on his tour.
So Alina stayed with him and became the perfect girlfriend. After all, wasn't that her job, to be perfect in every sense of the way? Perfect outside, broken inside. No one gave a shit as long as it sold records and their relationship had been selling like hotcakes for months now.
"Mal, hi!" She says, sounding chirpier than she intended. It's not like she's really excited to see him, but as she walks towards him she realizes it's not because of him, it's because she's been talking to Eryk. "How have…"
Mal doesn't let her finish her question. Instead, he grabs her and yanks her towards his body. Alina doesn't even have time to ask what he's doing because suddenly his lips are on hers and his hands are all over her body. He only kisses her when they need to put on a show, doesn't even bother with that when he's fucking her so Alina doesn't know what the hell has gotten up with him. Mal has never behaved like this when there aren't cameras. He's also behaving even worse than when paparazzi and fans are present, he's making her feel disgusted and violated. She doesn't like the way his tongue feels in her mouth nor the way he's touching her, as if he owns her.
So she bites his lip a little harder than she should, in order to break the kiss.
"Hey babe, sorry I'm late. I was with Mikhael and Dubrov, you know how it is," he doesn't sound sorry in the slightest but Alina doesn't point that out.
"It's okay, you're here now," she says, trying to sound calm and not as disgusted as she really is. To try and relax, Alina turns around to introduce him to Eryk. As she turns to look at him, she realizes he looks downright murderous. But then she blinks and she doesn't know if she really saw something or just imagined it. "I want to introduce you to Eryk. Eryk, this is Mal."
"I'm her boyfriend," Mal says, although it should be easier for him to just pee all over her to make it obvious he's laying a claim on her. The corner of Eryk's mouth quirks up just slightly and he's pretty sure Mal doesn't notice. "Thank you for saving her the other night. Saved me all the trouble of finding myself another pussy."
After listening to his last comment Alina isn't sure if she wants to crawl back into her bed and never leave the safety of it or murder Mal herself.
"I have to go and get ready for my job. Goodbye Alina, have a nice time in Miami," Eryk doesn't acknowledge Mal, looking only at her as he says his goodbye and as he makes his way out of the studio, leaving behind his scent of mint and aftershave. She's so taken by the way he holds himself, by how he ignored Mal and yet spoke so warmly to her that she barely registers Mal's tight grip on her bicep, at least until it starts to hurt.
"You're hurting me!" She shouts, trying to escape his restraint. "What is going on with you?" Alina asks because Mal is many things, but he has never hurt her, at least physically.
"I should ask you the same thing, Alina. Imagine my surprise when I arrive and I see my girlfriend laughing and making eyes at some random dude. You're my girlfriend! We have an image to protect, did you forget about that, fucking slut?" He berates her, before dropping the hand on her bicep with utter disgust.
Alina would like to point out that the relationship is fake and not because of her doing but because he so desired. She could gently remind him that he fucks multiple people to a point her mother asks him to get tested regularly. She could tell him to leave her alone and go to hell.
And yet, she does none of those things. She might've spent an amazing day with Eryk, she might've actually enjoyed herself today. But Alina has learned that good things are fleeting and ephemeral. She got to experience actual happiness despite all the not-so-nice moments, but like Cinderella, she has to get back to her crappy and horrible life.
Cinderella might've gotten her happy ending, yet Alina somehow knew hers would be impossible to actually achieve.
him
Alina leaves Los Angeles for Miami, but she never leaves Aleksander.
She is there in his bed because he does not wash his sheets until her scent completely fades away. She is there when he realizes his Yale shirt went mysteriously missing. She is there every day with texts and emojis and demanding audios where she complains about the lack of Iris' photos. She is there in the selfies she constantly sends him.
She is everywhere and Aleksander does not know how to cope with that. It has been a very long time since he let someone in since he met someone and connected on a deep, personal level.
But that is a lie because Alina thinks his real name is Eryk Kirigan. She ignores the things that keep him up at night, the secrets he tries to bury, the ghosts that regularly visit him, the past that haunts him. It's not like Aleksander has been dishonest with her, because he has not and he will abide by that, but at the end of the day, it barely matters if he was honest when he said his favorite food was his mother's blinis when Alina has no clue who his mother was.
There are already many aspects of her life where she lacks control —he actually has a hard time thinking about what she can really control in her life— so the idea that he has not been completely honest with her makes him loath himself. Because she does not deserve that, she deserves someone who is honest with her. At least, he can give her the opportunity to make the decision herself. If she decides to hate him and run away then she took that decision herself, he did not take that away from her.
He sees her on a Wednesday night, three days after she comes back from Miami, with a tan that makes her freckles come out and a smile he will admit he missed. Aleksander had a free night and she assured him that she could bail on whatever party she was about to attend.
Now, they are outside the airport, In-N-Out animal fries and drinks in the middle of their seats. Alina is wearing something that covers more than whatever the hell she was wearing the last time he saw her, but as she makes herself comfortable and rests her ankles in his lap, the dress rides up her thighs. She once again does not seem to mind. The burger in hand provides enough distraction to the way he shifts uncomfortably in his seat.
"So, you came here with your grandfather? I thought you told me you grew up in London," she says, absentmindedly, munching on the fries as she's been starving all day. She probably has been, he realizes with a pang of sadness.
"I did, but we used to travel a lot. We came to the states at least once a year and he would bring me here. It was nice to escape and just be the two of us," he explains, leaving his burger behind and turning to look at her. There is no other way to put this, he has to be honest, completely, and he refuses to sugarcoat it. So he takes a deep breath and says: "My grandfather was former Prime Minister Ilya Morozov."
By his calculations, Alina must have been around ten years old at the time the scandals broke out. She could remember or at least have a vague recognition of what he is talking about. And she does, he can see it in her face, the way her eyes widen and her mouth forms a perfect 'o'. She knows about what he's talking about, there is no denying that.
"I was seventeen when it happened. Two consecutive terms, he was ready to leave it all behind. He spent his days telling me he was not going to retire but to help me become a Prime Minister as well. I was already accepted into University and I was ready to follow in his footsteps, and then the news broke," he recounts.
Aleksander remembers being seventeen and feeling like the wheel of fortune turned on him. He had plans, dreams, and goals and his grandfather was there right next to him, to help him secure those. But then on every front page, his grandfather's sins were exposed: corruption, ties to the Russian mob, money laundering… His grandfather was on the next flight to Russia, where he apparently still resides. Aleksander wouldn't know, he has never tried to reach him.
"I did not know any of it. I understand that might be hard to believe but I did not know. You have to understand, my grandfather was an excellent politician and knew very well how to keep everything hidden, even from the people closest to him. Not even my mother knew," he explains, trying to keep his voice steady at the mention of his mother. "We were both left scrambling. My mother and I talked to everyone; the police, people in his cabinet to see if we could offer some help, try to right his wrongs but there was little we could do. My grandfather was cunning and astute, he outsmarted us all and there's no extradition treaty with Russia in the UK…"
To think that Ilya Morozov still lived, still had a very comfortable life while his daughter and grandson lost their lives because of his actions. He sighs before he continues to speak. "Then I applied to college here and I begged my mother to come with me, but she was a proud woman and refused to leave."
Maybe if he had stayed, she would still be alive. He does not say that out loud, but he thinks about it, constantly.
"I am telling you this because you deserve to know who you are really befriending. I do not want to lie to you. I have found that I cannot do that, I simply cannot mislead you. If you want, you can finish your burger and I can drop you off wherever you want. I understand if you do not wish to see me again," he finishes, and although the idea of her hating him hurts, he has to admit there is something to be said about finally being able to say that out loud.
Burger and fries completely forgotten, Alina looks at him and her features still denote surprise but there is no trace of disgust or anger. She just looks taken aback by all the information he just sprung on her. So he gives her time to process all the information.
"Your mother is she…" He was not expecting she would break the silence with that question, but he answers honestly nonetheless.
"She overdosed five months after the scandal. I was at Yale and got a call from the police. My mother had been raised in the high spheres of politics, among the rich and powerful. She was a renowned author herself, even if she could rebuild, our reputation was already ruined and she could not cope with that."
"Is she the reason you were…" He knows she cannot say the word, so he interrupts her.
"Yes, if my mother had gotten help, she would still be alive today. I think suicide it's often overlooked and there needs to be more awareness about it."
And then Alina falls quiet again, and Aleksander… Well, he is not very good at reading her right now. He is clueless as to what is going on inside her head.
"When you saved me, did you do it because you had to or because you wanted to?" She asks, barely a whisper. Aleksander notices she's not even capable of looking at him, instead her eyes are glued to her lap, where her own burger is forgotten. "Did you do it because… because you couldn't save her?"
He is not surprised by her question, but he is glad that she is giving him an opportunity to clear that for her.
"Do you want the right answer or the honest answer?" He asks, looking at her. Alina still doesn't look at him and he tries to ignore how it hurts him.
She sighs and looks at her hands for a second as if she was bracing herself for something. Then her eyes find him and that's when she speaks; "Give me both."
He nods in response.
"I had to protect you, it is my job to do that. I might have been covering for my friend, but it was still the job I was contracted to do," he explains, even if it's not the full answer, it doesn't make it less honest. It was part of his job, not only with her but with anyone. He had to protect people, from what he had to protect them from, it was never specified. Although it was the first time he actually had to save someone from themselves, it was still his job. "I helped you because you deserved to be helped. It has nothing to do with who I am, with my job description, or even my mother. It has to do with the fact that I think you deserve to live your life. You deserve to be alive."
Alina does not necessarily smile at his answer but she does seem calmer, less surprised. He still refuses to get his hopes up, for all he knows she can still want to leave and never talk to him ever again.
"You never use the word 'save'. Don't think I haven't noticed," she points out and he nods, running a hand through his hair before answering.
"I did not save you, Alina, not really. I helped you and protected you as much as I could. The only person that can save you is yourself." They have yet to touch that subject again, but he doubts they actually will. Alina still avoids it like the plague and he decided it just will not do them any good if he keeps pressuring her.
"Well, I do think you saved me. It's okay if you don't see it like that, just know that I do," she says before she extends her arm and grabs his hand, and squeezes lightly.
Aleksander actually has to use all of his willpower to not sob right then and there. He failed to realize how touch-starved he was until he felt her small, soft, and delicate hand grab his. A part of him never wants to let go. He wants to keep her hand forever against his and although he doubts he can do that, he still intertwines their fingers. It might be a small move, but it feels like such a big deal he almost sighs in relief when Alina smiles at him.
"You said you changed your name. I can keep calling you Eryk if you want, I have no problem if you don't want to share that with me. But I would like to know and I promise you I won't share that with anyone. I promise."
Aleksander hasn't been Aleksander since he was eighteen, the name change coming in a week after he reached adulthood. He has never shared his name with anyone, not Ivan or Fedyor or any of his employers. Not even Iris knows his true name. But he trusts Alina, her promise is a good reassurance but it's not something he really needed, because he knows that if he tells her his name, the real one, the one no one calls him anymore, she will keep it to herself.
If he is being honest, he misses it. He misses who he was when he was Aleksander Morozov before he painfully split himself into two people and locked one with the rest of his past. Although he will not deny that a part of him misses being the Prime Minister's grandson and all the glory that came with it, that is not the reason why his heart aches at night. He misses that once upon a time, someone said his name and there was love behind it.
His father died when he was three, but Aleksander still remembers how 'Sasha' sounded in his Estuary accent, he remembers there was love there. His mother was not as filled with unwavering love as his father. Agrafena was not someone he would call warm or tender, but she had a way of calling his name as if she was annoyed with how much she cared for him. It used to bother him because a mother is supposed to love her child, is she not? But now, that it has been almost a decade since he heard her, he misses it. He misses when he was someone's son.
He misses that there was a time, a time that seems to have happened long ago when people loved someone named Aleksander Morozov. Two out of those three people now lay six feet underground and the other one was who burned his life and turned it into ashes.
Aleksander misses being someone other than a ghost. He might not be in the habit of wishing upon a star or ever letting himself dream, but if he could, if he allowed himself to do that, he would want nothing more than to be himself again. He cannot, but maybe with Alina, maybe with her…
There was not a single doubt in his mind about sharing this part of himself with her, this tiny detail that makes such a big difference, but after hearing her promise, after realizing she wants to know, there is just no option for him. He has to tell her, not only because he is dying to hear his real name come out of her beautiful lips, in that beautiful voice of hers, but because she also wants to.
"My name is Aleksander, Aleksander Morozov," he finally says, locking eyes with her, not looking anywhere else. As far as he is concerned, the world begins and ends with her.
"Aleksander…" She whispers, before a beautiful smile blooms on her lips. He smiles as well because it is impossible not to. Not when she is practically beaming and when his name sounds like a song because of her. He might as well be a sailor and she a mermaid, he will gladly drown just to keep hearing his name on her lips. He does not care if he never reaches the shores of his home, with the way Alina says his name, he is home already. "Aleksander… My name is Alina Kir-Taban. It's nice to meet you," she ends up saying.
Aleksander brings their joined hands to his lips, kissing her knuckles instead of shaking their hands. Alina does not seem to mind one bit. Instead, she blushes furiously, a smile still on her face.
"It is nice to meet you, Alina Kir-Taban," he says, not letting go of their hands.
"Thank you for telling me this. I imagine it's not easy for you, but it means a lot to me that you did. Your secret is safe with me, Aleksander."
He might not believe in many things in this world, but he believes in Alina.
They finish their burgers and the fries in relative silence because Alina still gets excited every time an airplane flies near them. He finds it amusing because, for a person that must spend a lot of time in the air, she still has a child-like reaction to planes leaving or landing at the airport. Although he does not say any of that out loud, there is an undeniable feeling in his chest, something that resembles peace.
And that remains until Alina tries to kiss him. It should not surprise him, he rationalizes, because both of them have just shared a very vulnerable moment. It makes sense to him that this is happening. Not only did he just reveal a huge secret and bare part of his soul to her, but it's also the way they met. In so little time they have shared things it might take years for other people to share.
So no, Aleksander is not surprised by her actions and although he is tempted to kiss her —because of course, he wants to kiss her, he is not an idiot— he decides not to do that, for many reasons, but two come up to his mind: first, it feels wrong, like he is taking advantage of her when she's at a relatively low point in her life and second, well, she has a boyfriend. Well, she is pretending to have a relationship with that scumbag Aleksander wishes he had punched in the face when they met.
Although he knows the boyfriend is a fake one and that the relationship is a complete farce, he won't do it. He's just not that type of person. He refuses to put her in that situation.
"You have a boyfriend," is all he says when her face reflects disappointment. Sometimes he wonders how it is that no one else in her life sees her when everything she feels and thinks it's there. When she's an open book when he can read her so clearly.
"It's not real, we're doing it because of the label," her explanation is welcomed, as it confirms what he already knew. However, Aleksander also suspected there was also more to it than she was letting him know. There was something in her eyes, something that resembled longing with melancholy as well. Although he wished to know, he also respected her privacy. "I was in love with him or, at least I think I was. I had a crush on him while growing up and I really admired him. He's very talented and his whole story is just… you know, amazing. Fourteen when scouted, meteoric ascend, incredible albums one after the other…"
But even Aleksander knows about his run-ins with the law and about his life of excess. Many parents had flocked to Fedyor's consult, worried about how Mal's actions might influence their kids. He might not keep up with Hollywood but his friend had spent weeks trying to help worried parents for Aleksander not to know that Malyen Oretsev was a horrible role model, and person, for that matter. He does not point out any of these things, he knows Alina does not need a reminder.
"When I got signed to the same label as him I thought I would settle for a collaboration or something but then they proposed this arrangement and I was beyond myself. I thought it could be a real relationship but he made it clear he wasn't going to commit. We fuck sometimes, and he has been a good boost for my sales I guess I can't really complain."
Aleksander tries not to feel jealous about her admission about them having sex, he really really tries. At least he can school his features so that his face does not reveal what the hell is going on through his mind.
"That is the reason you stay with him, then? Sex and sales? Because you deserve more than that, Alina. At the bare minimum, you deserve someone who treats you like a human being. That is the minimum and yet he does not even do that. How is he going to give you the world and everything your heart desires? How is he going to make you smile, genuinely, truly? How is he going to be your partner when the road gets hard? The world is already hard enough, your life and career already take too much from you. You need someone to lighten the load, to have your back, to give you the moon and stars yes, but also to hold your hand and hug you after a difficult day. Is he going to do that?"
Because he would. He does not even need to think about it, because he knows he would. Aleksander would try to give her the world and the stars and whatever her heart desires. He would try to make her really happy. He would support her and offer her guidance and help her in whatever way she wanted to. It is quite pathetic because they do not even need to have a romantic relationship, he just knows he would do any of these things for her just so that she could have a better life, an easier one.
He does not say any of those things out loud, but as they look at each other he thinks maybe he does not need to.
I made a playlist for this fic, if you're interested: playlist/0IUsqVAeVcRXoqEuyuJANe?si=16d2a1b341394746%22