the real world
her
Alina is in the kitchen, trying to work around some of the lyrics she's been sharing with Aleksander when he comes in with groceries. He's been handling the food and everything, which by all means is fine with her. She's pretty sure she would be useless at the supermarket, taking into consideration she hasn't shopped for anything in ages now. Besides, she doesn't speak Spanish, and he sounds like a native.
This time, however, Aleksander comes back with more than food and toiletries. He surprises her with a beautiful dress he bought for her. He explains that he would like to take her out to a restaurant to have a nice night out. Even before he finishes his sentence, she's already kissing him and thanking him for the gesture. She has been enjoying their time in the house, but the idea of actually going out is exciting, so she dresses in record time.
He takes her to a family restaurant someone recommended to him, most likely the friends that helped him rent the house they've been staying in. To say that they have an amazing night is an understatement. The food is absolutely delicious and everyone is so nice she's shocked. It's been a while since people were nice to her just because. For a second she wonders if people recognize who she is, but she doesn't have her wig and for once in her life, her body is somewhat covered. She's also not wearing makeup, which somehow helps her blend in.
It's one of her favorite nights with Aleksander, especially because after they get home, they slowly undress each other and make love until Alina is crying. She doesn't clock the verb she's using, because it doesn't matter, as Aleksander kisses the tears away and holds her so close she thinks they might as well be one body.
With their first outing being a soaring success, Aleksander proposes they go to the artisan's market someone recommended at the restaurant. At first, she had been wary about going outside the house, but it's been three weeks since they disappeared and went into hiding. No one has found them, so it must be alright to venture outside in broad daylight. It's not like she's been experiencing cabin fever, if anything, she would argue that she needed this alone time. But going out seems like a great idea and Aleksander is on board, so they decide to go out and explore the market.
As they look around the stalls and marvel at the works of art everyone offers them, Alina realizes she doesn't ever want to leave. She's been daydreaming about them staying in Mexico, about really leaving it all behind and starting a new life where she can be happy. She hasn't talked to Aleksander about it, still a bit nervous about voicing her thoughts out loud, but she wants to be with him, she wants to be happy by his side. She doesn't want to let go of the happiness she's discovered.
For the first time in her life she doesn't feel like the Emperor's nightingale, she feels like Alina Kir-Taban, like a human being. Like she's someone, not just a voice or a body.
"Do you want a popsicle?" Aleksander asks, bringing her back to the real world. She turns to see him pointing at a popsicle stand before she nods. "Strawberry, right?" The fact that he already knows what she wants makes her stand on her toes and kiss him on the cheek. "I will be right back."
And off he goes to get them their treats.
He looks happy as well. Aleksander is all tanned and wearing casual clothes, and a part of her is thrilled that he's also been enjoying this time to let go of everything. They both have been carrying so much, it's invaluable to her that they've been able to find peace, to find each other. Maybe she shouldn't be so afraid of telling him what she's been dreaming of. After all, he can try to look for a job as security or something like that, she's pretty sure with his credentials he would be able to get a job easily. As for her, she can work as anything, she's willing to do whatever just so that they can both hold on to the happiness they've been experiencing.
"Señorita, señorita," someone tries to catch her eye and as Alina looks around, she sees an old lady at a jewelry stand. "For your boyfriend," the woman says, as she gestures to her stand, full of accessories for men.
Alina doesn't have it in her to tell her that Aleksander is not her boyfriend, especially because, after careful consideration, she decides he is. Sure, they haven't talked about it, but it hardly matters. They are together as far as she's concerned. Their relationship is so deep, they have bonded in so many ways, in ways they have never connected with another human being, that it makes sense they don't need labels, they are together. There's no one else who will be there for her like Aleksander has.
Which means that she should get him something. After all, he's been paying for everything on this trip, and although she knows he doesn't mind, she wants to be able to do something for him. She can't cook, she can't clean, she can't even go to the fucking supermarket, but she can buy something for him. So, she does.
She ends up picking a necklace. It's a long chain with a round pendant. It's simple and discrete but also beautiful, which is why it's fitting for Aleksander. The only problem? Alina doesn't have money herself to pay for it, and she's not going to ask Aleksander to pay for his own gift, so she decides to part with one of her earrings. It's the one she was wearing when he got her out of the VMA's stage, a ridiculous diamond that covers the cost of the necklace many times over. The woman must know because she takes the offering without complaining that she doesn't have cash.
"Here you go. One strawberry paleta for my Alinochka," Aleksander announces just as he comes back to her side. He immediately realizes she's missing an earring, so he sends a look her way, but, before he can even say anything, she just puts the necklace on him.
"I bought this for you. I thought it would look nice and that you would like it. Please don't be mad," she explains, just as her hands rest on his chest, next to the necklace. "It's just my way of saying thank you for these past weeks. It fits you perfectly," Alina says before raising her head to look at him. He's not mad, he's just smiling at her.
"Thank you, Alina. You did not have to do this for me." He offers her the popsicle before using his free hand to grab hers. "That being said, I appreciate it. I will never take it off. I promise you that," Aleksander finishes and Alina cuddles against his body, completely convinced she's going to melt and not because of the Mexican sun.
They eat their popsicles as they continue to walk around the place. It's full of color, full of different aromas and sounds, but Alina enjoys it nonetheless. She doesn't even remember the last time she went out without security and, granted, Aleksander was a bodyguard and could protect them, but this wasn't like that. People here didn't know who they were. They had no clue who she was and therefore, no one wanted her autograph or a selfie. She was free to look around and enjoy herself.
The popsicle melts in her tongue, strawberry flavor clouding her senses completely because lately, it seems like she has rose-colored glasses. For the first time since she learned the song, Alina finally understands what Edith Piaf meant when she sang 'La vie en rose'. It only took her twenty-five years, but as she walks around with Aleksander's hand on hers, with the sun on their faces as they laugh and talk and kiss like lovesick fools… She understands.
She believes, for the first time, all the words she's been singing for as long as she can remember. That is why, it doesn't even phase her that the second she realizes that life can, in fact, be beautiful, the chords of the song start to sound on the street.
Even Aleksander notices because they both walk around until they find the source of the sound. Three young girls, the oldest not much older than eleven, are trying to get some coins, but people are barely paying attention to them. It breaks Alina's heart to see them, to see that there are kids on the street trying to sustain themselves. She didn't have the best childhood, but she had a roof over her head and she had food to eat.
Alina kisses Aleksander on the cheek before approaching the girls. Her Spanish is pathetic, not going beyond hola and beso, however, she knows all the words to 'La vida en rosa' because her mom made her memorize it, just like she did with the French version.
"People eat that shit up!" was her mother's explanation back then. By all means, she had been right, which means that now, maybe, she could help the girls.
She quietly approaches the girl with the guitar, thinking about how she's going to express herself. Her Spanish really sucks, but she's able to mimic and use her hands to communicate so that the girl with the guitar can start from the top and Alina can accompany her with her voice. It would've definitely been better if she had used Sasha as a translator, but it works and as Alina sits down and covers her face with sunglasses, she starts to sing.
There must be something about Edith Piaf's words that can always capture the people's attention. It has been her experience that people always stop to listen. No matter the language or the place, people stopped to enjoy the song.
That is the case here.
The eldest girl continues to play with ease and the other two join Alina with their singing, attracting a small audience that gathers around Aleksander, the only one she personally cares about. He's looking at her with a smile so big, so proud and so full of joy, she actually has to keep herself from jumping into his arms. She counts it as a miracle that he's also wearing sunglasses, if she was able to look at his eyes, she would be ruined.
He's the one who claps the loudest when they finish the song. The small audience has tripled in size, but she only has eyes for him. She can only stop looking at him as she gestures to the girls and urges people to give them money. After all, the reason she sang with them was to be able to help them. And that she does, as she removes her remaining earring and discretely gives it to the eldest girl.
"I hope this helps you," she says in English. She has no way of actually knowing if the girl understood, but when she smiles at Alina, it seems settled. "Take care, okay? Please."
And with that, she returns to Sasha. He doesn't even seem to mind the gesture, he just opens his arms and lets her cling against his body. His hand ends up caressing the back of her head and the other one on her lower back, keeping her pressed against him.
"That was very beautiful, moya solnishka." My sun, he had explained one night as they bathed together. She wished she knew any endearment words in Cantonese, but she only knew the ones her mother said to her, and it didn't sit right with her using those, she wanted better words for him, he deserved that. Aleksander, however, didn't seem to mind, but she hated it. "It seems like you will never cease to amaze me."
It makes her blush furiously, so much that she buries her head on his chest to hide it from him. Alina can feel the way his body trembles from the chuckle he's trying to swallow.
What an amazing man this is. All for her to enjoy and to cherish.
"Can we go home?" she asks, head still hidden as if she was trying to turn into an ostrich.
Home.
It's not even their house, they are just renting from a local, but it doesn't matter. As far as Alina is concerned, it is their home. She feels safe and happy there. It's the place that holds their memories of the past three weeks. So many things have happened within those walls she can barely even recount them herself. This is the only place in her adult life she has called home and meant it.
But, as things would have it, it's also the place where everything comes crashing down.
They spent the rest of their Saturday in bed, completely naked and absolutely drunk on each other. Alina only agreed to leave the bed when Sasha told her he needed to feed Iris. But then she promptly tagged along, and he taught her —well, let's be frank, he tried— how to make pancakes. After they had eaten, she promptly dragged him to bed again, just for another round.
He might've called her insatiable, but when morning came, all of that would be forgotten.
Usually, Aleksander woke up earlier and started with breakfast while she still tried to sleep for a little longer. That Sunday morning, however, they were both woken up by an intense noise, followed by Iris' barks. They look at each other, both are still half asleep and utterly confused as to what is going on, but they still decide to dress and find out what the hell is going on.
Alina doesn't say it out loud, but as she puts on clothes, something settles in her stomach. She knows this sound, she's been hearing it for ages now. For three weeks she hasn't heard it, and she even fooled herself into thinking that somewhat she had escaped it. Dread settles in her stomach as Aleksander walks away from the bedroom and into the living room.
Somehow, she manages to grab his hand just before he opens the door. She wants to stop him, to beg that he doesn't do it. All she wants is to tell him that he doesn't need to open the door. Haven't they been happy? Hasn't he enjoyed this slice of paradise they have carved for themselves? Alina wants to beg, wants to tell him all of that, but she doesn't. When she opens her mouth, nothing comes out, and all Aleksander does is kiss her forehead before opening the door.
"Ah, what a surprise to see you here," her mother says, but Alina barely registers as she walks into the house like she owns the place. Her eyes are glued to the bunch of photographers that are there, all horrible vultures waiting to take pictures of her. Aleksander uses his body to shield her just before closing the door.
"How did you find us?" Aleksander asks, still using his body to shield Alina from her mother. She's thankful for it because she wasn't expecting to be thrown to the flashes all over again, and she's reeling from the sight.
"You don't have a clue, really? Playing house all this time and no contact with the outside world. My, my, you guys are in for a treat, because as of yesterday, Alina went viral," her mother announces and Alina knows she's enjoying this far too much. "That little show you put up yesterday with the street girls is everywhere. You broke a new YouTube record and everything, that is why I'm here. I would like to speak with my daughter."
She… she what? Is she hearing this correctly?
"Like hell you will. You had weeks to find us! You only appear now because you want to profit from this!" Aleksander barks at her mother. She might not be able to see his face, but she knows he's furious.
"Alina is an adult and I don't need to deal with you anyway. You're not her bodyguard," her mother says before she directs her eyes at her. "Bao bao, we need to talk," her mother says in Cantonese. Her voice is sweet and while not strictly commanding, Alina knows she must speak with her.
"It'll just be a moment, okay?" Alina asks Aleksander, using one of her hands to stroke his beard. She can see his hesitation, his worry. It's all out there for her to see. He really is an amazing person, but this is something she needs to do. "Go with Iris to the beach, we have neglected her a bit," she suggests before giving him a chaste kiss. "I'll be fine, I promise."
He doesn't seem happy with the turn of events, but he nods and does as she says, whistling for Iris to follow him to the beach and leaving her and her mother alone for the first time in weeks.
"I was wondering if that was actually happening," Keyen's eyes are glued to Aleksander's back as he walks away. She only stops watching once he's out of sight, and then she looks at Alina with worry in her features. "Are you okay? Please answer honestly."
It's unsettling, to say the least, hearing her mother express her worry about her. It makes her feel like a bad daughter, like she should have at least told her she was alright. Alina never meant for anyone to worry about her. In fact, she was convinced the only person that worried about her was at the beach right now.
"Yes, mama, I'm fine. He brought me here because I asked him to," Alina explains just as her mother hugs her tightly. She doesn't remember the last time her mom hugged her, so Alina clings to her, worrying that if she lets this moment pass she might never have another chance.
"Oh bao bao, I was so worried. I missed you so much! I'm so glad you're safe and sound."
Alina has to do everything in her power not to cry right then and there.
Among the things she wanted the most, one was for her mother to love her, to care for her unconditionally. And there she was, Keyen was hugging and expressing her concern for her. Alina couldn't believe it, she couldn't even begin to wrap her head around what her mother had told her. So she simply held onto her, hugging her as tightly as she could, afraid the moment would slip through her fingers if she didn't hold on to it.
They hug for so long her arms go numb, but all is well when her mother kisses her forehead and ushers her to the couch, where they cuddle. Alina practically melts into her mother's embrace as she explains what has happened in the past weeks.
"The label dropped Mal after what he did to you," her mother says and Alina can't believe it. She never thought they would drop their golden boy. Her face must reflect her thoughts because her mother smiles at her and nods. "It's true. Everyone sided with you after what happened on stage. I didn't even have to ask the executives to drop him, they did it on their own. His career is over, bao bao. But yours is still on the rise."
Alina has no fucking clue as to how that can be, given that she was so tied to Mal. In a way, she depended on him and the scraps he gave her.
"But how? I disappeared for weeks! And most of my career is thanks to his…"
"Of course not, tián xīn! You're talented and successful, you can do this on your own." Her mother silences her with her doubts and Alina is taken aback, because, well… When has she ever felt supported by her mother in the past years? It's quite sad that this is something foreign, something she hasn't experienced. But, she decides not to dwell on that. Mama is here, after all, and she's telling her all she ever dreamt of hearing. "The label reached out, they want you to come back so that they can release your album. With everything that has been going on, I think we have the upper hand, we can make demands if we want to."
She can't believe her ears, she can't believe her eyes. She really can't, so she tests the waters. Surely things can't be that easy, right?
"Can we…" her voice breaks and her mother pets her head, probably in an attempt to make her feel more comfortable. "Can we use my songs on the album?" She thinks she might break down in pieces after uttering a simple question, but her mother simply hugs her closer.
"We can do whatever you want, bao bei. Not only the public took your side after what Mal did, but after your video went viral? The world is at your feet," her mother says just before she uses her free arm to search for the video on YouTube. "Alina, you dethroned BTS! I want you to know how big this is…"
Her mother's words ring in her ears, but she doesn't pay that much attention, her eyes are solely focused on the video playing on her phone.
It's clear that someone from the audience attempted to be sneaky and recorded the video while trying to not draw attention to the fact. It's by far a terrible recording, but that hardly matters when her voice easily captivates everyone's attention. She knows that she has never sounded better, and the reason she has never sounded better is that she is happy. Alina meant every word and every letter she sang with the girls. Her technique was perfect, it always had been. She never had trouble hitting the right notes, her problem was that, for so long she just went through the motions, she didn't believe what she sang.
This had been different in so many ways. Not only was it the first time in weeks she sang for an audience, but she also sang with passion. The reason why she sang like that was there in the video, as clear as day. All she could do was look at Aleksander, all her attention and focus was on him. She had eyes for no other, and he hadn't shied from her gaze, instead, he held it for as long as she sang. It barely mattered that both of them were wearing sunglasses, the intensity of their gazes was there for everyone to see.
"I also… I need to tell you something." Her mother doesn't sound as relaxed as she did before. In fact, her whole face seems constricted, as if she doesn't want to tell her whatever it is she must. "I must inform you that the man you think you know is not who he says he is. In an attempt to save face, Mal's team dug around Mr. Kirigan's background, and they found he's been hiding things, damning evidence from his past and his family."
All of the sudden, Alina feels that same dread that settled in her stomach when she and Aleksander left the bed this morning. She's terrified about the information about his real identity and his past making headlines. But there it is, her mother is showing her the article on her phone. It wasn't a salacious story published in a tabloid, it was a legit article posted by The Guardian. Alina didn't want to read it, she already felt like throwing up by just looking at the pictures of a young Aleksander next to his grandfather.
"His grandfather committed terrible crimes, bao bao. I know you have something with him, but maybe he's not as good as you think he…"
As happy as Alina is to have her mother back, she refuses to let her tarnish Aleksander's name. "No, mama. I knew who he was from the get-go, he told me. I trust him with my life. He has nothing to do with his grandfather, he's actually an amazing person. I will not part from him. He has kept me safe, healthy, and he makes me happy."
Keyen's features soften at Alina's passionate defense of Aleksander. Her hand rests gently on her cheek, a delicate gesture that helps Alina calm down as well.
"You really care for him, don't you?" she asks, and Alina nods, unable to hide how her face lights up when talking about Aleksander.
"I don't want to leave him, mama. I want to be with him, and I don't care if that's bad for my image. He's great for me," she affirms, and Keyen nods, seemingly in understanding.
"So you want to go back? I know I haven't been the best, but I promise you everything is going to be alright. We'll be a team once more."
They have never been a team, not really, but Alina doesn't fixate on that. Instead, she focuses on what her mother is offering her. Going back to a world she thought she was leaving, that she was absolutely ready to leave in hopes of a simpler, happier life. But now things have changed, she wouldn't be going back to the world she knew. She'd be going back to a better place, she'd make sure of it. And with her mother by her side? Keyen is asserting, intimidating, and ruthless. Alina knows if her mother is on her team, then there's nothing they can't accomplish.
She's been daydreaming about a scenario that slowly fades into the background and is replaced with a new one where she can continue to sing, to do what she enjoys the most in life. All she has ever wanted was to share her songs with the world, and right now it seems like that is actually possible. But it's more than that, is also having her mom by her side and rebuilding their relationship.
"You have such a gift, my sweet girl. It would be such a crime not to share it with the world. And I'll be by your side the whole time, mama will protect you. You'll be happy, healthy and we both obtain what we want, which is for you to achieve global stardom, doesn't that sound nice?"
"You promise you'll be by my side?" Alina asks. She doesn't care for money, she cares that her mother is there for her. That's what's important to her. It's not like she's an idiot who doesn't value that she's rich, and she has a ridiculous amount of money at her disposal, but all she really wants right now is her mother. A mother to love her and to care for her.
"Of course, bao bao. I'll never let you go ever again. It's us against the world, like when you were little," her mother says, tickling her and making her laugh in delight. As happy as she is that she's getting her mom back, if she's going to do this, there's something else she needs to know.
She takes a deep breath and looks her mother in the eyes. "Do you love me, mama?" she asks, biting her lip while trying to hide how nervous the question actually makes her.
It shouldn't, because she should know if her mother loves her. But alas, it's a question she needs to ask.
Her mother seems to understand, grabbing her by the chin and locking eyes with her. "I was twenty when I had you. I was away from home and instead of finishing my studies, I was pregnant with a baby. My parents wanted nothing to do with either of us and I knew it was going to be you and me against the world. I lost sight of that for a moment, but not anymore. We can do this, you and me. We can't give up."
"We can do this, together," she echoes with a big smile on her face before cuddling against her mother, without realizing Keyen never answered her question.
him
For the first time in forever, Aleksander allows himself to think about the future. Ever since he graduated and enlisted he's been living day by day. He hasn't made plans for his future since Ilya destroyed the ones he had back in his teens. He convinced himself that it was fine, that he could do it; that he could live like this. Turns out he convinced himself too well because he's been living day by day for years now, without realizing he's just been aimlessly drifting through life.
He's still doing it. Sure, he was happy with Alina in their little bubble, but they hadn't talked about plans for the future, about what they were going to do. And Aleksander wonders. He wonders if she would like to be a part of his plans, if there is a way for them to make it outside the bubble they have been living in for the past weeks. He wonders if they can face the real world together, hand in hand.
He wonders if there's a way they can make it, that they can be together.
In the end, the real world comes knocking on their door and there's just no time for wondering. No time for voicing his plans and ideas. He's robbed of the opportunity of asking Alina to be by his side, of being honest with his feelings.
They've been so happy together. They have found peace together, but it seems to him that he's not allowed to find everlasting happiness, and instead he must settle for specks in between the sadness and regular moments that make up his boring, average existence.
Once Keyen appears, Aleksander knows there's no going back. He knows nothing will be the same the second he opens the door to find her and a bunch of paparazzi, but still, he holds on to hope. He allows himself to think that this changes nothing.
He's not a fool, but he's also in love with her, and he doesn't want to let her go.
"What did she want?" he asks when Alina joins him and Iris at the beach. Aleksander gave her space to talk to her mother, not because he particularly wanted to, as he did not hold the woman in high regard. But Alina asked him to, and he was unable to deny her, despite how every cell in his body wanted to stay in the room with them.
"She wants me to go back. The video of me singing went viral and… The label wants to release my album. She thinks we can even make demands and change things now that the public opinion seems to be on my side," Alina explains, with a smile on her face.
As she speaks, it becomes obvious she is going to go back to the life that chewed her up and spit her out like she was nothing. Aleksander wants to cry because she does not seem to remember how miserable she was. However, he does, and he knows there is little he can do to protect her if she wishes to go back to her life. Still, he tells himself to try, because he has never given up on her, and he is not going to start now. Alina was worth fighting for.
This had very little to do with his feelings and everything to do with her. Aleksander could not let her go back. This all had to do with the fact that he wanted to protect Alina, that he could not let her go back without reminding her of everything he went through.
"So you are going to go back," he says, concealing his anger, concealing how much he really hates what she is saying. "Do you forget how you felt? How did your mother make you feel?"
"Sasha, it's not going to be like that anymore. She wants me to be happy, she's my mother!" she passionately argues, but Aleksander does not agree.
"So she is your mother, okay. That is news to me because as far as I know, she was your manager. You are not her daughter as far as I am concerned. You are just her precious golden laying hen. I cannot believe you are willing to go back to that," he comments, stopping himself when he realizes her eyes are full of unshed tears.
He cannot bear to make her cry, but she needs to hear this, she needs to remember. If she does not remember, then she will be forced to relive it all over again, and he cannot allow that to happen. Alina does not deserve any more pain and hurt. But if she is determined to go back, what can he do? What can he possibly do to actually keep her from doing what she wants? He can try, of course, of course, he will.
"Does this mean you will show her your box? That you will record the songs you actually want and dress and act as you want? Will you be able to discuss your heritage?" He asks in a calm voice. The last thing he wants is for her to know how sad and angry he really is. "If she is back, I hope she is because she loves you, not because she can profit from this."
Alina looks at him as if she cannot believe what he just said. She remains quiet for a while, even ignoring Iris' attempt to catch her eye.
"I never pegged you for a cruel person." That is all she ends up saying, with a trembling, broken voice. He was not trying to be cruel, he was just painting a picture. This is her reality, is it not? This is what she ran away from, does she not remember?
"Do you prefer that I feed you sweet lies, Alinochka? We have always been honest with each other. I cannot, in good conscience, lie to you, that would make me one of them and I refuse to do that."
He could tell her that he loves her. Aleksander knows that he could pour his heart and soul to her right now so that she had the whole information and make a choice after having consulted all the alternatives. That is what he has been doing so far. He revealed his real identity to her, he talked to her about his past and all the things he abandoned. But this is different, and he knows. If he tells her he loves her, then that would make him similar to Keyen. He would be using her feelings to manipulate her, and he refuses to do that.
Loving her means having to let go of her and swallowing what he feels. Loving her means having to witness Alina go back to the life that broke her and made her want to take her own life. Loving her means understanding he cannot continue to help her unless she decides to save herself.
It hurts because this time he will not be there for her. There is just no way he can go back. She needs to realize what is happening and make decisions on her own accord.
"I don't need you to lie, Sasha. I just need you to be supportive. Mama wants to do things right this time, and I know we can. All I'm asking is that you come back with me, I don't want to let you go. We've been so happy, and I know we can continue to be…"
"What exactly did your mother say?" He does not trust Keyen. He has not trusted her in the past, and he will not start trusting her right now. How convenient it is that she found them now, after three weeks of radio silence. She only appears once the video went viral. How come Alina does not realize how shady that is?
"Mal is out of the label, Sasha. They kicked him out after the public supported me, can you believe that?" Of course, he can believe it, it was only a matter of time before people realized that he was an abusive asshole that got away with shit. The only reason why he was now a pariah was because he showed his true colors in the spotlight, thinking the public would side with him. It does make him happy to hear that the scumbag is ruined. "And the video went viral, so mama says we can make demands to the label, maybe even have more control over my image and what I do!"
She looks so happy as she speaks. It is undeniable that she is falling for all the crap that Keyen fed her. Alina's mother is a horrible, manipulative and calculated person that has Alina once again eating from the palm of her hand. Aleksander could point that out, could tell her that these are all sweet lies she is feeding her to have control over her once again. He wonders if he should, if she would even listen.
Judging by her pure joy, he doubts it would have the desired effect. It would probably alienate her from him. Aleksander knows when he has lost a battle, and he knows he does not even have a chance right now.
"There's also something else you should know," Alina starts to say and Aleksander knows, before she opens her mouth again, that this is different from anything else she just told him. "Apparently Mal's team had you investigated, they… Well, I don't know the details, but the truth is that everyone knows who you are. They know your real name and about your grandfather."
Aleksander is sure this is a fucking nightmare. He cannot believe what she is saying. He cannot believe his ears. For so many years he tried to lay low, to keep a low profile. He turned himself into something average, unassuming, even pathetic, all because he was scared of people finding out about his past. All it took was one bloody idiot for his life to come crashing down around him.
"Mama showed me the article in The Guardian. I'm so sorry Sasha. I really didn't want this to happen to you, you don't deserve it." Alina says, and Aleksander looks at her, still a little lost.
He buried his identity, and he did it well. He was not an amateur, he spent a pretty penny in finding the best people to help him hide his identity and create the persona of Eryk Kirigan for him to live on. Mal might have been a fucking moron, a sleazy scumbag who did not deserve to walk the Earth. However, Mal was not the type of person to do this, and he knows exactly who was, most likely, behind the whole thing.
Keyen never liked him, and she wanted him as far away from Alina as possible. It makes sense that she was the one who had him investigated and then leaked the whole thing to the press. The Guardian of all newspapers, the one that broke his grandfather's scandals.
Salt to the wound. He had to give it to her, Keyen knew what she was doing.
"And do you believe her?" he asks, and Alina blinks in confusion. "When she tells you that it was Mal that did this, do you believe her?"
"What do you mean if I believe her? Of course, I do! She's my mother, Sasha. I know you don't get along, and I know she's not an easy person but, Sasha, I love her. She's my mom, and she apologized. We are going to be a team again. I just…" she comes closer to him and while Aleksander does not recoil, he also does not lean into her. "Please, Sasha, come back with me. I want to be with you."
All he wanted to hear was that. That she also wanted to be with him. It did not matter to him that she did not love him yet. He loved her already, and that was enough for him. Her words, however, are dampened by the fact that she wants to go back to the hell that almost took her, that almost completely destroyed her.
He shakes his head in response. "People know who I am, Alina. I doubt the label or your mother will agree with any sort of relationship between the two of us. And it seems you are willing to listen to them despite everything they have done to you. I refuse to be a puppet. I refuse…"
"You refuse me?" He can hear the pain in her voice. He can hear how much it hurts her to know that he will not agree to this charade.
"Alina, you have clearly made your choice. You want to go back to the place that made you want to take your own life. I will not, willingly, play their games. Neither should you."
"So what are you going to do, Aleksander?" The mention of his name, that she is acknowledging him as Aleksander and not as Sasha, hurts. Hurts so much he has to take a second to keep his composure. "Are you going to keep pretending? You have some nerve to try and tell me to my face how to live my life when you haven't been living yours. You're all up on your high horse judging my decision. Well, let me tell you Eryk," she spats and Aleksander thinks a slap to the cheek would have hurt less. "You haven't been living at all. You talk and talk about how I need support and therapy but look at yourself. If you think you don't need help, you're delusional."
Aleksander never thought Alina would be cruel. Although he can agree with parts of what she is saying, the whole thing feels like an unwarranted attack. He does not deserve that, all he has ever tried to do is be there for her and give her whatever she needs. He's so in love with her, that if she asked him to, he would give her his heart. He would tear himself apart just for her.
But right now he does not need flowery prose and romantic declarations. It is clear what she wants, and he will give it to her, even if he thinks it is a horrible mistake.
"I am sorry if I ever made you feel judged, that was not what I wanted. All I ever tried was to protect you and make you happy," he says as honestly as he can.
"So come with me, please. Sasha, I care for you. You're going to re-enter society as Aleksander Morozova, let me repay you. Let me be there for you while you go through this," Alina offers and while Aleksander is tempted to say yes, to let her do whatever she wants with her life and with him, he knows he cannot.
Aleksander loves her, yes. He is pretty sure he is going to love her until his heart stops beating, but he cannot give her this. Not when he knows this is a path she has to walk alone.
"I am sorry, Alina. But the life you want to go back to is not a life that I want for myself or one that will welcome me with open arms."
For a second he thinks about begging. He does not mind, does not care about begging her to stay with him.
Please, stay. I know you deserve the world, and I am not enough, but stay. Please, Alina. I know I am fucked up, but I want you. I love you. Do you even have any idea of how much I love you? How much it pains me that you have chosen a path where I cannot follow you?
He says nothing of the sort because she has made her decision. Aleksander is not in the business of gaslighting her or making her feel guilty. So he does what he needs to do: he lets her go. Despite every fiber of his body screaming at him. Despite knowing, it is a horrible idea.
He lets her go, there is just no other option for him. Loving her means he has to let her go.
"I can understand if things have changed, and you wish to go. I might not agree with your decision, but I respect that you are taking it. Just know that this is a path where I cannot follow you." It is not Sasha the one who speaks to her, but Mr. Kirigan, the same person who tried and failed to keep her at bay.
Alina silently cries, and he hates himself for causing that. He cannot bear that he is the reason why she is crying right now. He is not strong enough to look at her, so he takes one second to memorize her. He looks at the woman he loves, at the woman he cares, so deeply he decided to let her go. This will be the last memory he has of her. They do not have pictures together, the only proof he has of their affair is the necklace that hangs off his neck. He will have his memories and eventually, those will fade like the kisses and the marks she left in his body.
So he looks at her and commits to the memory before he breaks eye contact and looks at the ocean. She ends up leaving with her mother. Iris goes to say goodbye. Aleksander cannot even look back, if he looks back he is lost.
Señorita = miss, young lady
Hola = hello
Beso = kiss
Paleta = popsicle
La vida en rosa = la vie en rose
甜心 (tián xīn) = sweetheart