her
When Alina wakes up in the morning, she's attacked by an immense sadness that's too big to even try to compartmentalize.
She hugs her pillow and tries to pretend it's Aleksander's body holding her lovingly and protectively. One single tear escapes from her eyes before she reminds herself that she should at least try to be happy, otherwise leaving him would be for nothing. All this pain and heartbreak for nothing. If she manages to stand her ground, to finally drive her career to a point where she can record her own songs and be in more control of her image, then at least it will be worth it.
She isn't someone who gets to have her cake and eat it, but if she manages to accomplish this, to finally be in control of her career, then she thinks that at least Aleksander will be proud of her. Maybe they could find a way back to each other.
Alina knows she must present herself today at the meeting with the label and fight for what she wants, for what she rightfully deserves. Even if she misses Aleksander, she cannot focus on him right now. The only way is forward. One foot in front of the other.
If she looks back, she's lost.
This time there's no Genya or Sergei to help her with her clothes and makeup, no Zoya to snicker around Alina and direct commentary at her body or her look. No, this time she will present herself as she wants to be seen, as she wants the world to know her. This is her time to introduce the real her to the outside world.
Her black hair is beautifully put together in two low buns at each side of her head. The makeup is simple but meaningful. She refuses to hide her identity anymore and because of it, there's no attempt on her part to make herself look ambiguous. She's an Asian woman, she has Chinese ancestry, and she's proud of it. Her love for her heritage also shows in her outfit. Alina wears a beautiful velvet dress. It's yellow with black details, a subtle hint of who she is. Yes, she's beautiful, and she can be soft and kind, but she's not a puppet anymore, she refuses to be.
That's why, when she arrives at the meeting, she does so while wearing combat boots. If anyone dares to try to step on her again, she's going to show them who she is. With her mom by her side, she just knows the label is going to have to listen to them and answer their demands.
Alina sits next to her mother, trying not to show how nervous she is. It's been ages since she sat at one of these meetings. She often felt stupid, sitting and remaining quiet while everyone talked over her, so with time she delegated everything to her mother. In hindsight that wasn't her best idea but back then she barely had any strength to change things, much less to be in charge.
Now she's herself again, and she has her mother. They are a team once again, there's nothing they can't accomplish together.
The president of the label offers his apologies for allowing Mal's behavior to grow under his watch and assures her that they are doing everything to prevent anything like that from happening again. They weren't able to protect her, he says, but they want to make sure all their artists feel protected and safe.
She bites her tongue and doesn't remark they could've done so many things for her. Her nails leave half-moons on her palm from how hard she's digging them into their skin.
It's okay, it's okay. From now on things will get better, and she appreciates the apology, even if there's nothing she can do with it. She will always be the sacrificial lamb, but with an album full of her own songs, she can have the chance to show the world she's a human being. That she's more than meets the eye.
When she tries to grab her mother's hand under the table and Keyen ignores her, Alina tries not to be scared. Her mother is a focused businesswoman, it's okay if she doesn't have time to hold her hand. They will celebrate later anyway.
The meeting drags on about her metrics and how public perception of her has changed in the past months. The public is on her side and not only wants music from her but also to know how she is, they need to send a statement. The world needs to know that Alina is not only okay but back and stronger than ever.
Which is something they plan to do once her album is out because they think that will make her numbers reach the stratosphere. The public is hungry, and they think if they only feed them after the album has dropped, it will make everyone go nuts for her.
But which album are they talking about? Alina wonders as she listens to the executives speak. There's just so much work to do. From picking up the songs and adding the music, recording, and coming up with a new image for the album. If everything goes smoothly, in six months there can be a release, but Alina knows these things take time, so this can likely take up to a year. Are they really expecting her to remain silent and not make any sort of statement for that long?
Surely they know that's something they can't ask her to do.
"But the album…" Alina tries to speak and one of the executives waves his hand dismissively.
"We know Mal was a big part of it, but there are plenty of rappers out there that would die to collaborate with you." Alina frowns, that is not what she meant to say. There will be no rappers in her album, or her life, as far as she's concerned. "If you're not happy with the idea, you can rap. I'm sure you can do that in your sleep, with your amount of talent…"
Once again, he's missing the point. Alina doesn't want to rap or anything to do with it. Her songs are soft and melancholic. She wants to produce an indie album that can properly showcase her range and her talent. Don't they know that? Surely her mother informed them about the decisions they had made as to how her career was going to go from now on.
But when Alina turns to look at Keyen she can see it. Aleksander tried to warn her, back at the beach. He told her the truth and she refused to listen. Her mother is not on her team and doesn't want the same things she wants. Alina swallowed a lie that was spoon-fed by her mother. All because she wanted to believe that her mother loved her.
Because she was still a child, believing that just because the woman gave birth to her then that would mean she would love her. Alina still hoped that after all this time, after years of accumulating proof that her mother doesn't care for her, her mother would have her back. All she ever wanted was to be loved for whom she really was. But it's become obvious that her mother is not the place where she will find that unconventional love she's looking for.
"The album…" She tries again, one last chance for her mother to redeem herself.
"Not now, tián xīn. The album is already done, it needs to finally be released, your fans have waited long enough."
Alina can read between the lines. Her mother doesn't give a flying fuck about her fans, her mother cares about all the money she's set to make out of her album. They already have so much money, Alina could burn it, and it wouldn't make a difference, but she sees it now, how Keyen wants more.
"You promised that we would be a team. That we would come here and talk about rebranding because that album is not something I care about in the slightest," Alina says directly to her mother. They are in a meeting full of stuffy old white men that must think she's a child, but Alina doesn't care. She and her mother are alone as far as she's concerned.
"Don't be ridiculous, bao bao. This album is already done, it's ready to come out into the world, there's no need for us to throw all the hard work, effort, and money put into it because of one childish need. Maybe for the next one…"
"NO!"
Alina rises from her seat and looks at her mother for whom she really is. Keyen is no longer her mother, she's but a woman hungry for money and power. She didn't think of her as a daughter, but as a money-making machine. There must be a reason, an explanation as to why she's like this and maybe, another Alina would care, would try to understand. But this Alina is tired, exhausted from making excuses. She refuses to keep playing by her rules. This is not why she left Aleksander, why she threw away an opportunity to a better life with a good man.
She already ruined that, but she refuses to keep ruining her life.
"I don't care what you do with the goddamned album. I really don't give a shit. Release it, don't release it. Burn it for all I care. I am absolutely done." As she speaks, she turns to look around the room. Everyone has various degrees of surprise showing on their faces. This is, of course, very shocking. She has never, ever raised her voice in front of people. For many of them, this is the first time they hear her speak. Everyone has heard her sing, but very few people know how she sounds when she speaks. "I quit. I don't care about this label, and much less about the fucking album. Go find yourselves another idiot to fall prey to your nonsense because I refuse to play your games any longer."
"Alina, don't be irrational, you cannot just quit and leave. I didn't raise a quitter," her mother tries to reason with her, but when her hand closes around her wrist, Alina thinks about the time when Mal did the same with her bicep. How much it hurt and how, in many ways, it was a wake-up call.
The nerve her mother has to call her irrational and a quitter. If there's something she has tried to do for the past few years of her life, it is not to quit the very thing she should've abandoned since the beginning.
"You're right, you didn't raise a quitter. You raised someone so submissive and so starved for love, I stayed in situations I should've left. I tried to commit suicide, and you didn't even care, no one even cared because I still played by the rules. Fuck you Keyen, fuck you and every single one of you. You were all complicit!" Alina looks around the room, where everyone is displaying some level of anger in their features. "I tried to take my own life because of how miserable this made me, and you all dare to look angry? Once again, in case you didn't hear: fuck you."
"This behavior will not be tolerated. Now, Alina, if you just find it in yourself…"
The grip of her mother's hand on her wrist has gotten progressively tighter, and now it's hurting her, but Alina finds the strength to free herself from Keyen. When she speaks she looks her mother right in the eyes, as far as she's concerned this is the last time they will speak to each other: "You were supposed to be my mother, you were supposed to love me and protect me. Turns out, money, and fame were something I couldn't compete with, but I'll tell you this: I am done."
She doesn't stay to hear whatever crap they say after that. Another second spent on that meeting is another second of her life wasted, and she has lost so much already she refuses to continue. All she wants is to go home and mourn yet another thing. Today she severed her relationship with her mother, but she also buried her dreams of singing. There's just no way that after what she did, any other label would want her.
Although she's proud of herself, she just wished that things were not as hard. That she would be able to have her cake and eat it.
No cake eating for her, it seems, as she leaves the building while holding back her tears. Alina will not give anyone the satisfaction of seeing her cry. She will go to her house and cry and once again she will go through the process of rebuilding herself. It's not like she's a stranger to that.
She feels lucky that at least she has a house where she can cry and fall apart without prying eyes. Her mother was surely convinced Alina would never leave her, and therefore let her put all her properties in her name. Even the bank accounts were in her name. Keyen thought she would always have Alina by her side and therefore a steady source of income. Briefly, Alina wonders if her mother is realizing this at the same time she's doing it. Sure, it wasn't like Keyen would be left on the street, after all her mother took a hefty portion of her paychecks. However, now that Alina had burned her bridges, it made her wonder what her mother would do from now on.
Whatever, she doesn't care. She wanted to get to her fucking house and cry and scream and curse everyone. A part of her knows she should be worried about her future, but she doesn't have the strength to do that. Alina will fall apart, and then she will pick herself up. No Aleksander to help her this time.
He was right, she recognizes that now. If someone is going to save her, it needs to be herself. She needs to make that choice, no one will do that for her.
"Do you need a ride home?" A familiar voice asks once she's out of the building. For a second, she forgot she doesn't know how to drive and that her mother brought them both to the meeting. She doesn't know why Genya is there or why she's offering her a kind smile, but right now she's the only chance she's got to leave this godforsaken place behind.
At least Genya remains quiet during the drive home. She doesn't pressure Alina or ask her a bunch of questions to which she has no answer. The redhead just lets her cry silently during the car ride, and Alina is thankful for the small miracle.
If only she would've believed Aleksander, if she would've understood that he told her the truth… More salt to the wound. She burned her chance at a happy life with a man that was devoted to her because she was still holding onto fairy tales.
Her judgment has always been a little iffy, she can't lie to herself and say she has the best record on decision-making. Maybe, if she had taken her time to make her decision, if she had really listened to him if she had thought about it with open eyes and a clear head… The truth is, she doesn't know if even that would've changed things. Maybe she was always meant to fall prey and be the fly on Keyen's web. But maybe if she had stayed she would've realized her feelings for Aleksander were stronger. That the foundation of their relationship was solid. That their future together was a possibility.
Alas, she decided to become a fly once again. She let her mother ensnare her. Keyen had been ready to eat her, to use her again. Her mother didn't realize that in their time apart the fly had become something else, something that was strong enough to free herself from her web. Maybe not strong enough to find which path she was meant to take right now, but at least Alina had taken the first step towards a new life.
Genya helps her get out of the car and into her house, she helps her settle on her bed before she excuses herself. Alina is so fucking tired, she doesn't have the strength to kindly tell her to leave her house. She doesn't have a career anymore, surely there's no need for a makeup artist. Even if she's grateful for the way Genya covered for her after Aleksander kissed her during the VMA's and for the ride home, she doesn't have any intentions of dealing with her any longer.
She needs to get it together. By all means, she can cry and mourn, but she also needs to come with a plan. All she has ever done is sing, and now that doesn't seem to be a probable career path for her. Alina never learned how to do anything else, she's absolutely useless, and although she knows her money can last, she also knows the possibility of living off her savings is not realistic. Especially if her mother tries to sue or block her access to her hard-earned money. She wouldn't put it past Keyen to try some shit like that.
Her thoughts are interrupted when Genya comes back with two steaming mugs full of green tea, Alina's favorite. Although she's thankful for the gesture, she's not in the mood to deal with people so, she's about to politely tell Genya to leave when the woman opens her mouth and does something Alina doesn't expect. Never in a million years.
"I want to apologize to you," Genya says, and Alina has to make a conscious effort not to drop the mug from her grip. "I know it doesn't matter now and that there is little you can do with an apology, but I need to do it and maybe, if you let me, I'd like to explain myself. You don't have to forgive me or believe me for that matter, but I would like the chance to explain certain things if you allow it."
Alina doesn't know what to do. Up until a second ago, only Aleksander had apologized to her and meant it. It makes her feel uneasy, she's still not used to it, so her eyes settle on her mug. Let Genya do whatever she feels like she must do, then she can leave.
"The night of the balcony, before the press conference, I went to your mother. I had seen you struggle for so long, I thought this would be the moment when your mother realized you have had enough. I told her it would be a good thing to follow Eryk… Aleksander's suggestion." Alina tries not to visibly wince at the thought of him. She tries just to focus on what Genya is saying. "I don't know if you know, but before I started working with you, I was in a movie directed by Pyotr Lantsov. I was the second in command at the hair and makeup department but I…"
Alina raises her eyes and looks at Genya after her voice breaks. Although she's not crying, she looks visibly upset and angry.
"Father and son are very much alike. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Genya doesn't need to say anything else for her to understand. Alina has worked with Vasily and if her eyes are to be believed, Pyotr must have done something awful to her. She extends one of her arms and offers her hand to Genya, a small gesture of consolation is anything she can offer right now, but it's appreciated nonetheless. "Your mother knew about that and when I told her we should get you help, she reminded me that she could ruin my reputation and make sure I wouldn't work anywhere else. I know it's not an excuse, but your mother terrifies me and I played along, despite knowing you needed someone to support you because I was scared of her blacklisting me. I love makeup and doing hair, and I'm good at it. I knew that if she wanted, she could make it very difficult for me to find a job. Pyotr's comments about me already made it so hard, I couldn't risk doing anything that didn't please your mother."
If there's something Alina can understand is being scared of Keyen. She had no clue about Genya's life or work before being added to her team. Back when the redheaded woman joined them, Alina was already struggling with everything related to her fame, so she didn't care. It was just another person in the big machine of Hollywood. She didn't think she was different from all the people that already made her life miserable and unbearable. How wrong she had been, just like her, Genya was a person with feelings, fears, and with goals.
"I'm sorry, I had no clue…" Alina starts to say, but Genya shakes her head.
"Not many people know about Pyotr, your mother knew because she knows how to play this game. But that's not the point Alina, I should have tried harder and… In a way, I did what I could." Genya lets go of her hand to pick something from her purse and offers her a USB. Alina takes it wordlessly while expecting an explanation. "I started documenting everything in hopes that this moment would come. I took photos of all the bruises Mal left on your skin, and I did my best to record your mother in every moment when she acted like the horrible person she is. I have a couple of contacts with the New York Times, I think if you want to, you could expose them for what they are."
"You what?" She blinks in surprise because that is not how she expected this conversation to go.
"I also think you can sue the label and your mother. My cousin Marie is a lawyer, and we think you can build a case against them. I know it sounds awful, but because my hands were tied I decided to move things from the background, waiting for the moment you decided to break free. That way, I would be there and ready to help you."
"Is that why you were waiting for me at the exit?" Genya nods in response.
"I figured something was bound to happen today. If you walked out of there with Keyen by your side, then it wasn't the time, but you came out alone and with clear anger in your features. I know it's time. If you want, I can help you, but I understand if you don't."
Alina thinks about how she doesn't have a plan, how she really has no clue about what to do, but Genya seems to offer a path for her. Yet, she's resistant. All she has ever done is follow someone else's orders, shouldn't she do something different? Break free from everything?
But when Alina looks at Genya and the USB that she's offering her, Alina remembers. She remembers all the situations where Genya hesitated before rearranging her wig or gripped the makeup brush a little tighter after her mother ordered to make Alina look even more racially ambiguous. Now that she thinks about it, she remembers how Genya never seemed to like Mal, how her smile never reached her eyes when he was around or how she didn't even seem to like when Zoya praised him.
Most importantly, Alina remembers that she herself has not been in charge of her own life for the past couple of years, and she can hardly blame Genya for not being able to help her. She knows what it's like to have her hands tied, how can she hold that against someone else?
"Would you help me? I don't…" Alina sighs and gulps the rest of her tea, not caring if the scalding liquid burns her mouth. "I don't want to feel like I'm in a cage ever again. I just broke free from the label and my mother, at least verbally. This isn't the end, but the beginning and for the first time I'm alone, and I don't know what to do. Keyen didn't necessarily raise me to take over the reins of my life." Her mother had done the opposite, didn't teach her how to fend for herself, now she was twenty-five and useless. "I want to tell the truth and I would like you to help me."
A smile forms on Genya's lips; the first one since they saw each other at the label building.
"I just want to help you, Alina. I don't want to make you feel like your mother did," Genya answers before taking a deep breath. "You also don't have to forgive me. I'm doing this because of guilt, there is no denying that, but I'm also doing it because you were treated so badly… No one deserves that. You also have a beautiful voice, the world deserves to know."
Those last words stick with her. They remind her of Aleksander and how easily he would make statements like that. She believed him when he said it and now when Genya echoes the sentiment, she doesn't doubt her. In fact, Alina believes her so much she starts to cry.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…" Genya starts apologizing and Alina can see she wants to lean forward and hug her, but she restrains herself, which is something she appreciates.
"It's okay, I was just remembering something someone said…" Alina shakes her head and tries to wipe her tears, but she cries all the same. It's okay, she lets herself be. She's allowed to cry after the day she had.
"Aleksander?" Genya asks and Alina nods in response before Genya puts her other hand on top of Alina's. "In the spirit of the truth, I must tell you that Keyen had him investigated. She never liked him, but then you started spending time with him, and she had people look into his life. Your mother was the one who tipped The Guardian. I kept track of it the best I could, I have evidence. It's all in the USB as well."
Alina doesn't have it in her to be shocked about Genya's words. Aleksander had told her that was what had happened, that fateful day on the beach, one week ago. He had known, even without proof, with only just a hunch, that her mother had been the culprit. She feels ashamed for not believing him, and even more guilty for leaving with the woman that ruined the life of the man she cared so deeply about.
"You like him, don't you?" Genya asks and maybe if the question would've presented itself in another moment Alina wouldn't have known if to avoid it or to lie. But she knows she has to be honest, not necessarily for Genya, but for herself.
"I do, and I ruined my chance with him."
They stay in silence after that, letting the weight of Alina's words sink in.
Alina had never cared for anyone the way she cared for Aleksander. She had never been happier or felt more secure. She had never been so free and supported. He had never judged her, only encouraged her. And yet, she still chose someone else over him, someone who didn't care for her in the slightest, someone who saw her as a machine. Aleksander had said it to her, how her mother saw her as a hen that laid golden eggs. He had been right, of course. She knows that now.
She thought that if she managed to do things right with the label and get her career back on track, then he would come back to her. The idea of finding a way back to each other didn't seem impossible, and she held onto that on the days after the beach. But now that things decidedly did not go like she planned or expected, she wonders. Would he understand? Would he take her back?
Questions that need answers, indeed, but first…
"Could you help me with two things? Then you can show me what's in the USB," Alina says and Genya nods, without questioning.
Luckily, her living room is still devoid of all furniture, so they start to dump all the wigs, all the photos her mother had hung around the place where Alina is in various states of nudity. They dump all the ridiculous outfits she was put in without her consent. The billboard award, the so-called 'fan mail' from creeps that thought they were being courteous. All the reminders of Alina's life, of the things she never wanted in the first place. They douse it with kerosene and before Alina lights it all up, she drops a picture of her and her mother.
It's old, from when Alina was fifteen. Ten years ago she won first place in a singing competition in London. Her mother had let her keep the trophy, but Alina cared for this picture where they looked happy. She kisses the photo, a way of saying goodbye to the life she has known, a way to bury the past and move forward. She lights up the match and watches as the pile burns.
It doesn't do much for her. It's symbolic, but not strictly cathartic because Alina knows the road ahead is hard, and for the first time in her life she's not going to be in a cage. This isn't healing, but this is the first step. A way to understand she has to rebuild herself from the ashes.
As for the second thing, she asks Genya to drive her to a place. Alina doesn't offer any explanations, and Genya just drives towards a place only she knows. She still needs to earn Alina's trust, but this is a great first step for them to build a new relationship. They're moving towards something unknown, but for the first time in her life, Alina feels alright.
Now, she just needs Aleksander by her side.
him
As Aleksander drives back to Los Angeles, with Iris as his only companion, he keeps reliving one memory of him and Alina.
He had just learned that she did not know how to swim. She sheepishly admitted it after he wondered why she never ventured beyond the shore. Aleksander had laughed so loud it had startled Iris, who was dozing off on her towel. Although he could not believe that someone in the year 2021 did not know how to properly swim, he was not laughing at her, but rather, at how this was an amazing opportunity for him.
After her admission, Aleksander took it upon himself to take her in his arms whenever she wanted to leave the shore. She clung to his body, wrapping her arms around his neck and surrounding his hips with her legs. As elated as he was that she felt safe and comfortable in his arms, it was what she said that actually made his heart jump in excitement.
"The climate crisis is real, Alinochka. What are you going to do when the water takes over our shores?" He was joking, of course, and his silly question did what it needed to do: it made her laugh. What a glorious sound that was.
"I guess you're just going to protect me and carry me everywhere, Sasha. I'm not leaving your arms," she had said before she kissed him to seal her words.
Even as he parks in front of his house, as he leaves the security of his car and faces the bunch of reporters, photographers, and nosy people that are hoarding his lawn, he thinks about Alina. Aleksander keeps his head down as he gathers his things and tries to protect Iris, but his mind goes Alina, Alina, Alina.
Aleksander now knows that Alina is a haiku. She is a short moment of thrilling emotion, but she is not a novel, and their chapters are no longer entangled with each other. He is glad they met and established some sort of relationship. He knows that he will always love her, but he also knows it is best for both of them to move forward.
Maybe if he had stayed in Mexico he would not have to deal with this situation, but Aleksander was not going to stay in the house where he and Alina were happy, not without her. All his things were back in Los Angeles, he had to go back, even if that meant dealing with this hell that was personally delivered by Keyen. Even if it was a nightmare, Aleksander knew he had to go back, he had spent long enough in hiding. He had also spent a lot of time dreaming about a future that was no longer in store for him. It had been tempting to stay back at the house, but that would also serve as a reminder that his future was no longer tied to Alina's.
He had to move forward, there was no other way now.
"This lawn is private property, if you do not leave I will call the police and press charges against all of you," he barks once he has gotten Iris safely into his house. The flashes blind him and the screams pierce his ears. His words have little impact on everyone, instead, they seem to invigorate them. The reporters scream his name, the real one, as they ask questions about Ilya, about Alina, about Mal. About his mother and her ultimate demise. About whom he really is.
Aleksander sighs and looks at the crowd that is currently destroying his lawn. He looks at the reporters, at the photographers, at the confused neighbors, at the curious onlookers and knows this will not make them go away. Still, he has to try. "I have absolutely no comment on any of the topics, you can quote me on that. I will not be making any further statements. I advise you to stop wasting your time."
And with that, he goes inside his house and tries to keep it together. Aleksander thought he was living a nightmare as he let Alina go, and he became so focused on that he almost ignored that his life had been turned upside down. Well, it was impossible to ignore now.
His real identity is out there, it is public knowledge that Eryk Kirigan is a fraud and that Aleksander Morozov is still alive and currently residing in Los Angeles. All his fears, all the things that kept him up at night, no longer live in his imagination. This is real, and this is happening at the same time he is going through a heartbreak.
Fate has always loved playing sick jokes on him. That much he knows, because he is going through hell all over again.
Aleksander collapses on his bed, Iris climbing on top of him to help him. That is when he allows himself to breathe. Inhale and exhale. Eventually, the repetitive nature of the exercise and Iris' weight on top of him helps him fall asleep, but as usual, dreams are not a place where Aleksander can find solace. He dreams of Alina, of the moments they shared of the palpable happiness that inhabited that house in Mexico, and when he wakes up, he remembers that he is alone.
That she is not his and never was. It hurts to think about it, especially because he knows that he will always belong to her. Aleksander knows deep within himself that it will not matter how much time passes, he is hers as far as he is concerned. The time they shared, all the moments they carved for themselves in the past couple of months... those will be a part of his most treasured memories. He does not think of her as fake, he knows that what they lived was real and beautiful, but he also knows that her decision just cemented what he always knew: she was never his to begin with.
Silently, when he lies on his bed, he hopes that at least she is okay. He is not going to deny a part of him —all of him, really— is still worried about her. She decided to go back to that horrible world of hers, and now she is alone. Alina might believe Keyen has her back, but Aleksander knows that is not true. He worries about all the ways her mother can still inflict damage on her. He worries about her mental health, about her sinking deeper into the demons that had a hold of her.
For a second, he wonders if he should have acted differently, if he should have followed her. He buries his head in the pillow because wondering won't do shit. She made her choices and he made his. Aleksander knows he could not go back with her. This time if someone is going to help Alina, that's got to be Alina herself.
If Alina is alright, then his decisions will be at least worth it. If she achieves happiness and stardom, then he can live with himself and the choices he made.
After two days of self-imposed lockdown, Aleksander goes back to work. There are people still hunting him down and harassing him, but he can no longer stay inside. He came back to Los Angeles, and he refuses to stay inside his house even if the option is too tempting.
There is also another option, the one that his mother took years ago. A voice inside his head whispers it when he least expects it, and it unsettles him because he did not expect that intrusive thought to make its way inside his head. It scares him as well, which is the main reason why he leaves the house. He needs to keep choosing to live, and to live he needs a purpose. He used to think his purpose was to protect Alina and care for her, but since that does not seem to be an option, work will have to do.
Although, if he is being completely honest with himself, there is no particular reason to go back to work. Now that his real identity is out there, he represents a security breach within the company and to the clients themselves. The whole point of being part of security was to blend in, to not attract attention and he, decidedly, had a target on his back and a spotlight directed right at his face and last name. His career in security detail was over and they both knew it. His boss, however, is still gracious enough and tries to offer him a job at cybersecurity which is just laughable, but he appreciates the gesture nonetheless.
When he walks out of the building, he no longer has a job, but he does have two friends waiting for him.
Fedyor and Ivan offer to let him stay with them for a couple of days as the media storm calms down. This is LA, after all, give it two minutes before a celebrity does something stupid, Ivan says as they help him settle him and Iris in their guest room. Even if he accepts the hospitality, Aleksander feels guilty because of all the years he has spent lying to them. He cannot believe they open the doors of their house to help him in this time of need.
"We already knew," Fedyor explains during dinner when Aleksander asks why they are being so hospitable with someone who lied to their faces for years. "We remembered your grandfather…"
"I recognized your face. While Eryk might not have a digital thumbprint, some websites have your picture. You looked younger, but you were still easy to recognize."
Aleksander feels ashamed, not only because he lied to his friends, but also because he thought he was smarter than them. It makes him wonder how many people already knew and let him get away with his crap.
"There's no need to apologize, we understand why you had to do it, and we do not hold that against you. Whether you decide to go by Aleksander or Eryk, you're still our friend," Fedyor tells him as Ivan nods in agreement.
It is the first thing that makes him smile since Alina left him. It is good to remember there are nice people out there in the cruel, harsh world. He deserves this as well. The past weeks he has been so focused on Alina and catering to her needs that this is also a reminder for him: he deserves kindness as well.
Aleksander remembers that as he lies in Ivan and Fedyor's guest bed that night. Ever since he met Alina he has been so focused on her, on protecting her and providing all the love she needs that he forgot he also deserves love and protection. She did her best, but it was not her responsibility to provide that for him, especially because she had her own demons to deal with. Now that they are not together, maybe…
He does not have a job and no plans. After the intrusive thought that wormed its way to his brain, he realizes that it is time to work on himself. Alina did make a point when she said he had not been living. Her words were a result of lashing out but she was right, it did not matter if she was cruel or not. Now that he could not hide behind the identity of Eryk, he had no option but to embrace his real name.
Aleksander Morozov.
After years of not being himself, this was his chance to reclaim his identity. He wished it was under other circumstances and not because Alina's horrible mother decided to destroy him, but this was his reality, he better embrace it, change it, mold it into something he could be happy with. Although a part of him knows the happiness he will achieve would not compare to the one he felt when Alina was by his side, he knows he at least has to try. He owes that to himself.
If he is going to start a new chapter in his life, the idea of working on himself is the right thing to do. Alina was right, he has been neglecting himself for so long. Aleksander had been so busy pointing out what she needed that he had forgotten to check himself first. Just because he never dangled at the edge of a balcony did not mean he was in a better spot than her.
Now, if he could just stop thinking about her… Alina, Alina, Alina.
His brain fills with thoughts of her as he grabs the necklace she gave him. For a second he thought about getting rid of it. Tossing it into the sea and never having to deal with it again seemed like a good idea for a full second. When the second passed, he decided he could not do that. Aleksander had made a promise to her; he intended to keep it and never take it off. Alina might have left him, but he knows he will always cherish their memories together.
He hopes she does the same.
As much as he wants to think about her every second of the day, he knows he cannot. He needs to figure out a plan. A decision about the course of his life needs to be made. As gracious and supportive Fedyor and Ivan are, Aleksander knows he needs to do something other than mope for Alina.
It is just so damn hard to ignore his thoughts about her, especially when he remembers that before she decided to leave he was thinking about including her in his plans, about sharing their lives and their future. Now he has to start from scratch, with only Iris and himself to be accounted for. No solnishkas for him.
It is Fedyor that suggests he uses his long-forgotten diplomas. They are having breakfast together, with Ivan sneaking Iris some pieces of bacon and thinking he is being sly when Fedyor comments about how his search for a job should go.
"You graduated! You slaved yourself for academia, Aleksander. Use your diplomas, I'm pretty sure many people would be more than happy to hire you," Fedyor said with his eternal optimism. Ivan seemed to be a bit more skeptical by the look he shot at Aleksander. He had to agree with his friend, he doubted anyone would like to hire someone who had barely even practiced law.
Nonetheless, it was worth the shot. After all, he had graduated top of his class in two very prestigious universities, maybe something would pop up. Maybe. It was better to use his time and energy looking for a job and planning to go to therapy than to spend it thinking about Alina. There was only so much he could take, after all.
Alina, however, reappears when he least expects it.
A week after letting her go, five days after camping out at the Kaminsky's, he goes back home. The media storm has subsided for the most part, and his house is no longer swarmed with people. As much as he enjoyed staying with Ivan and Fedyor he is glad he is able to sleep in his own bed and be in his own space without bothering anyone. Not that he was bothering his friends, but still.
He drives with Iris in the co-pilot seat, and she is the one to spot Alina first. Dogs and their noses, go figure, Aleksander thinks as he parks his car and gets off. All his efforts to keep his erratic heart in place fail as he takes a look at her. Her eyes are puffy and Aleksander knows, even before she opens her mouth, that she has realized what her reality is.
"Hi, Iris!" Alina exclaims with as much joy as she can muster. The scene reminds him of the first time she appeared at his house. He had tried to resist her back then, and he must do the same now. She bends to pet her dog briefly, which is not enough to calm Iris. Aleksander knows very well how his dog must feel right now, he also would like to be the center of Alina's attention. "Hi Sasha," she quietly says, looking him in the eye. "You look different," she points out.
Immediately, his hand goes to his head. This morning he woke up and decided a haircut could not hurt. As he used the hair clippers to shave all his hair off, he thought about how it would help him with the reporters and photographers, as the lack of hair and beard would make him less recognizable. He enjoyed the way he looked before, but since so many changes were thrown upon him, it was helpful to be in charge of one thing in his life. If that thing was hair, then so be it.
"It is just a way to ensure some level of anonymity," he explains, unsure of what else to say. She is there for a reason, that much he knows, but Alina should be the one to explain herself without prompting. She is the one seeking him out, after all. The last thing he wants to do is to pressure her, even if he wants to get this over quickly.
The less he sees of her, the better. He is already having a hard time with his endless thoughts about her. It is not going to do him any good to interact with her for a long time.
"I just… I want to say that I'm sorry. A week ago, on the beach, you were right, about everything. I should've listened to you about how horrible my mother really is. I'm sorry. I couldn't see the truth because I was hanging on to the idea of a mother I never had."
Her voice is soft and irrevocably broken. It kills him to hear her like that, even if a part of him celebrates that it only took a week for her to realize that her mother is trash. The sooner she is free from Keyen the sooner she will be able to regain control of her life. Even if it hurts that she has opened her eyes and faced the horrible truth about her mother, he is proud of her.
This is all he ever wanted for her. Alina should live her life in any way she sees fit.
"I am sorry for the pain you must be experiencing, but I am glad you realized how things are. This way you can live your life how you see fit." He is as courteous and respectful as he can be. Even if he is happy for her, this does not change things, she made her decision, and he respects that. A hug is out of the question, even if that is what he really wants to do right now, to cradle her in his arms and kiss her forehead. Fuck. He needs to get inside his house immediately. "If that is all…"
When he tries to enter his house, she takes him by the arm, and Aleksander has to take a deep breath to keep himself in check. It burns, she must have similar thoughts because she quickly lets go of him.
"I came looking for you because I realized I made a mistake, a terrible one. I should've listened to you at the beach, but it's more than that. I should've told you that I was thinking about building a future together. If you'll have me, I want you, Aleksander, please."
Aleksander knows they cannot go back. It is not even that she rejected him, it is simply that they need to go their separate ways. They need to heal and be their own people. It hurts because he is so in love with her, and it would just be so easy to just accept this new opportunity, but he knows it is not the right thing to do. If there is something he has realized in their time apart is that they need to work on themselves. He is not completely sure that would have happened if they had stayed together.
As sweet as her words reveal that she also was thinking about building a future together are, he now knows that was probably not the best course of action.
"We were brought together by trauma, Alina. Our whole relationship was built on that foundation. I am afraid that even if it hurts, you made the right decision when you left me behind. We need to heal, we need to work on ourselves…" He looks straight at her when he speaks, as softly and as gently as he can. Because he does not shy away from her gaze, he can see how her already sad eyes turn even sadder after hearing his words.
Medicine rarely tastes pleasant, but it is needed anyway.
Her lower lip trembles and he fears her tears, not because of anything other that he cannot bear to make her cry, not again.
"Sasha, if this is because of what I said, I'm sorry. I should have never lashed out at you; it was childish and petty. You are an amazing person, please know that. I apologize for hurting you…" He shakes his head. The last thing he wants is for her to carry the guilt of their breakup. He must free her of that.
"It is okay, Alina, there is nothing to forget or forgive. I do not hold that against you. I could never. The last thing I want is for you to feel bad about your words." He takes a deep breath and places his hand on her cheek. Aleksander knows he should not do that, he should keep the physical contact to a minimum. But if he is going to break both their hearts again, he deserves to at least touch her, to memorize the softness of her skin under his calloused hand. "I should thank you for what you said because you were right, I need to work on myself. I focused on you and missed my flaws…"
Alina shakes her head furiously as tears roll down her cheeks. "No, Sasha, you're perfect, you don't have any flaws. I was just being stupid and childish."
There it is, the main reason why they cannot be together. She has been clinging to him because he was the first person in a long time to show her love and care. While he truly and irrevocably loves her, he knows Alina's feelings for him are partly born out of starvation. She has been wanting love so much for such a long time, she latched onto him. When she lives her life the way she actually sees fit, she will realize what she felt for him was codependency. Alina will love and grow, and he wants that for her, even if he is not the one to be the recipient of her feelings. He just hopes that whomever she decides to love next treasures her and treats her right.
"Alina, I will always, always value and cherish the time we had together. I need you to know that. I need you to understand that I was not happy, I was absolutely miserable, going day by day without actually living. You gave me back something I had not experienced in years: you gave me so much happiness I have no way to repay you for that," he tries to keep his voice from breaking, but it hurts so much when she puts her delicate hand on top of his. "But I already let you go. You need to let me go as well."
"Sasha, we can be together, just, please. I know I hurt you but don't do this to me."
Aleksander is weak, that much he knows. He is only a man, letting go of the woman he loves for the second time in a week. But he must do this, not only for her but for him.
"Trust me when I say I do not want to hurt you, Alina. If there is something I have been trying to do since we met is to protect you." He rests his forehead on hers and allows himself to cry as well. She deserves to know the full extent of his hurt, there are no reasons to hide his tears. "You are, without the shadow of a doubt, the most amazing person I have ever met. You are funny, talented, kind, smart, and overall amazing. I am in awe of you and I will continue to be even as you grow and continue to evolve. Let yourself do that. Forget about me and focus on yourself, Alina. Get the help you need, become your own person, do what you want to do, keep on writing songs and marveling everyone with your talents…"
"Sasha…" She sobs and Aleksander presses his lips against her forehead.
"I will always root for you. Always. Keep that in mind, remember that it does not matter what you do, I am proud of you and I will always, always be on your corner."
The 'I love you' dies on the tip of his tongue. He will not do that to her, this is already too painful. Besides, he is pretty sure she can read it between the lines.
"You promise?" She asks, her eyes focusing on him, and he nods, recognizing that she is coming to terms with what is happening.
"You have my word, moya lyubov."
And that settles it.
Alina pets Iris goodbye and walks to a car that seems to be driven by Genya, the makeup artist. Aleksander watches them until the car is nothing more than a dot in the driveway.
Alina and Aleksander would not see each other for two years and yet, they would miss each other for every hour of every day.