Kaz-Inej-Alec-Magnus-Four-Tris: I'm so happy you're enjoying the story! I actually do write poetry, is one of my favorite things ever. That line about haikus it's one of my favorites. I'm so happy you liked it as well!
her
Alina lied when she stormed out of the meeting with her former label. She told everyone she didn't care about what they did with her album. The truth is she cares, she cares so much she decides to contact Genya's cousin Marie to see if there's anything that can be done to prevent the album from being released. The last thing she wants is that version of herself being released out there without her consent. She has suffered enough at the hands of these fucking people, she's going to fight them in any way she can.
That is the first step she takes towards a new life.
She goes to the meetings alone. Genya offers her help but Alina politely declines. It's not just because she still doesn't completely trust her, it's just that she refuses to let her life go down the same road yet again. She needs to be in charge of her life, she needs to know what is going on and make decisions herself. Genya accepts her explanation without a second thought and gently reminds her that if Alina needs anything, she's available.
The meetings with Marie and with her assistant are very exhausting but productive nonetheless. Marie walks her through the several options they can take and explains every scenario for her. She doesn't use jargon and she never makes her feel stupid, on the contrary, Marie makes her understand there are many things they can do, all Alina needs to do is make a choice.
In the end, she chooses not to sue the label. There is nothing she would want more than to sue them. She wants to burn them to the ground, and although that option is tempting, it would be a waste of her time, energy, and resources.
"Even with all the information Genya gathered, they are a big label and they would be able to drag this out for a long time. They have the time and resources, it's very common for them to just drag it until the other party gets tired or frustrated, and instead, they simply settle," Marie explains and Alina nods. It makes sense that the label won't go down without a fight.
So, she settles. The decision tastes bitter in her mouth and makes her blood boil but it's the best course of action. Alina won't sue them, she won't speak ill of them in exchange for them not releasing her album, destroying her masters, and releasing her from her contract.
It's not a win-win situation, but Alina still buys a whole cake and eats it to congratulate herself for what she's doing, for being strong enough to take the first step. For being strong enough to fight for herself.
As for her mother, she also decides not to sue. Instead, Alina gets a restraining order against Keyen. That way, her mother can no longer get close to her, therefore, she cannot hurt her or take anything that belongs to her. Alina gets to keep her properties and all the bank accounts to her name. Her mother will no longer take anything that comes from her hard work and effort.
They will no longer have a relationship. As far as she's concerned she doesn't have a mother, all she ever had was a manager. After she gets the restraining order Alina doesn't officially have a family. It's just her against the world. She can do this, she knows. It would only be easier if she had Aleksander by her side.
Aleksander…
The whole process of dealing with lawyers and courts and being involved and in charge of negotiations is exhausting, it leaves her drained but that's a blessing because that means she doesn't have time to think about him. She dreams about him every night and she misses him constantly, but her focus is somewhere else and that's something she welcomes. If the sadness overcame her then she doesn't know what she would do.
She needs to move forward, she knows he would want that. She knows that she wants that.
Once she's done with the meetings and the lawyers and the legal papers, she embarks herself on the task of selling her house and addressing the public.
Part of her deal with the label included that she would be the one to break the news to the public. She wouldn't be able to discuss the extent of what she had lived because of them, but she would be able to discuss her relationship with Mal, and that's important for her. Just because she couldn't explicitly say shit about the label, doesn't mean she can leave a trace of crumbs for people to follow.
She calls Genya and asks about her contacts with The New York Times before she starts to weigh her options. Alina wants to be able to tell her own story, she doesn't want anyone to do it for her. After she comes clean to the public in her own words she can answer questions and make appearances but not before.
So Alina starts writing. She holes up in the Airbnb she's renting and writes like her life depends on it. Very few things get left out of her essay; namely, Aleksander. Out of respect to him and their relationship, she never mentions him, even if the public knows he's the one to help her out of the balcony. The last thing she wants is to put him in the spotlight once again, especially now that his family history has resurfaced and many people are exploring the scandal and the repercussions once again, even if some of them absolve him of all the sins his grandfather committed… She knows the best thing is just to leave him out of everything. Her mother already did too much damage and she also hurt him with the decisions she took.
Even if he's an important part of what she's been through, Alina decides to protect him from the media storm. It's the best she can do for him.
It takes her a week to write, to pour her soul into the document, and to show her wounds for the world to see. Of the things she can write, she goes all the way, unafraid to air dirty laundry or skitter around horrible moments she wishes she could forget. She describes her relationship with Mal and her mother, including every single phrase they ever uttered to hurt her. It's as raw as she gets and not only does she cry when she writes it but when she edits, when she rereads, when she remembers.
She attaches pictures of the bruises, audios of the conversations between her mother and an endless amount of people, always pushing for more, always treating her like an object, and never like her daughter. Conversations between Keyen and the label executives are something she has to leave out because of her settlement agreement, but everything else is fair game. The world will soon hear with its own ears everything she endured. She does everything in her power to show everyone how real the hell she lived in was. A part of her is terrified about how people will take it. What if they don't believe her? What if they think she's lying? In the end, the desire to publish the essay and come clean weighs more than her fears.
I was on that balcony, ready to let go. I had to decide to live. I had to decide to stop being a victim, to stop trying to be someone I knew I wasn't. I didn't make a decision that night, I was unable to. When push came to shove someone else took that decision for me. I didn't realize back then but after that night I just continued with my life and yet I still had a decision to make. I am making it now, I want to live. I deserve to live my life the way I see fit. That's what I've been doing, that's what I will continue to do.
She rereads the last paragraph out loud and sighs. It's done. When she sends it to the Times the people from the editorial department let her know someone can edit and make changes but Alina refuses. She wants it out there as she wrote it. All the edits, all the changes have been made by her. The truth will get out and it will come from her.
Alina feels like even if a comma gets changed, then the whole thing will lose meaning, as it will not have come from her.
The morning before the essay drops Alina gets ready like she hasn't done since the morning she broke free with everything that held her down. To honor that, she wears the same outfit. When she dressed herself that fateful morning she did it because it was how she wished to be seen, back then it didn't work, but now it will. Even if the world reads her words and decides they won't believe her, at least she will show herself as she is.
She sits in front of her phone and opens Instagram, pressing the option to record a video. For a second she thinks about going live but she decides against it, the last thing she wants is to see how people react in real-time. Alina knows she needs a clear head, zero distractions to deliver the message she wants to set out to the world.
Before actually going live she takes a deep breath. This is it, isn't it?
"Hello everyone. My full name is Alina Kir-Taban, although over the past years you have only known me as Alina. Today an essay I wrote will be published by The New York Times. If you have followed me, if you have supported my career or maybe simply consumed my pictures and the gossip, I ask you to read the essay. It has the truth, not only my truth but what has actually happened. These past months I have lived many experiences that I decided to share with all of you. If you read it, I thank you. If you read it and believe me, I'm grateful. If you read it and decide you don't believe me, then I respect that. This is the truth, this is who I am and in the essay, I explain how everything has shaped me. I have no further comments for the time being. I just ask you to please respect my privacy. If you wish to support me in any way, I will leave some information about some charities that could use help. Thank you."
Her Instagram page is devoid of images. Over the past couple of days, she took over and slowly deleted everything. After she publishes the video only three posts remain. One statement about how she's no longer associated with her record label, the video she just released, and the one with the information about several charities.
After the essay is published she turns off her phone and forgets about it. Alina doesn't have it in her to care about what others say right now, especially because she fears the potential backlash. Her fears resurface, like bubbles on a champagne flute: What if people turn on her? What if they think she's lying or an attention seeker? What if this doesn't work?
In the middle of her spiral, a sneaky thought enters her brain: what will Aleksander think? Will he read it? Will he be proud of her? Will he not care? Alina thinks about grabbing her phone and reaching out to him but she doesn't. It might be too tempting but she wants to respect his wishes and he wants space from her. She can give him that, after everything he's done for her she can honor his wishes and leave him alone.
She does, however, open her laptop and goes through her gallery to find the only picture she has of him. She took it with her phone one day she went to visit him at his house. Alina had gone to the bathroom briefly and when she came back to the garden Aleksander was sitting on the grass with Iris next to him. Dog and owner had their backs towards her, but Aleksander was leaning to his side, so the outline of his face was visible as was the smile he was giving Iris.
It hurts to think that the smile he used to send her way was brighter, happier.
His words echo in her head sometimes, reminding her that, although she has come a long way she's still not going to therapy. It's not like she hasn't tried, but every time she googles the number for a center or a private psychologist and tries to call, she gets scared. Stigma is a powerful thing , she thinks every time she hangs up her phone and turns to her songs and her poems. That's what has kept her somewhat sane during all this time. Inspiration pours out of her and she has not stopped writing or doodling.
She's been sketching Aleksander, terrified of forgetting the little things that make him him. Each night before she goes to sleep, she hopes he's okay. Keyen never raised her to be particularly religious and she thinks that if god exists then it's a fucking joke. But that doesn't stop her from hoping he's fine and well, that he's healing just like her.
After the essay is published, her days consist of writing, doodling, and attempting to go to therapy. Because of it, Alina loses track of time and forgets about her phone until, five days of only focusing on her craft, Genya knocks on her door. Before Alina can even ask how she got her new address, her former makeup artist utters the biggest word in the universe.
"Oprah."
Turns out the queen —the only queen Alina would ever bow to— wants to interview her. Apparently, Oprah read her essay and wants to do an interview with her, to ask follow-up questions and get the truth, but this time out of her mouth. Alina is hesitant to do it. On one hand, it's Oprah and you cannot say no to Oprah! she thinks because it's also her dream, to be interviewed by her but in this situation, she said all she had to say, didn't she?
Alina pauses at the question. She's making tea for her and Genya —a thing she can manage now, after much trial and error— and as she puts the kettle on she thinks about her essay, about how she poured her heart and soul into those words, the same way she does in the songs she's writing in the poems that she no longer hides under her bed.
The title of her essay had been In my own words and not My name is Alina Kir-Taban as she had envisioned first. Because how could she title the essay like that, when she was more than the awful moments she had lived? She was more than that indeed. A young woman still trying to find herself in the world, trying to heal and to be better each day. She was a woman who let herself be fooled and manipulated by others, sure, but she was more than that. If anything, she refused to be reduced to that.
There are many aspects of her, she's more than meets the eye. That's what she's been trying to say the whole time; and her essay, although powerful and raw, only shows a certain part of her. People don't know who she really is, just what she's been through. The world doesn't know and she can't let other people tell who she is. It must be her. It has to come out of her.
When she goes back to the living room and Genya has already sipped her tea, Alina utters her only demand: "I won't answer any questions about Aleksander or our relationship. Everything else is on the table."
That's how she ends up in Oprah's mansion. The woman herself opens up the door and Alina has to do everything to keep it together. When she tells Alina that her essay made her shed some tears Alina has to fight the tears herself. What an honor and privilege this is , Alina thinks as she walks around the house and to the garden where everything is set up. She holds on to that feeling because she knows the questions will be tough and although she knows she herself doesn't have to be tough, she also doesn't want to fall apart in front of a camera.
If you went to therapy, you would have tools to handle this , a voice says, a voice that sounds like Aleksander, although he was never so harsh with her. This is just some self-sabotage on her part, even if the voice is partially right, this is just her doubting herself. She still has to go to therapy, she knows, but this week Alina managed to only hang up after the receptionist said hello three times. That's progress if you ask her.
She does her hair and makeup herself for the interview, even if she invites Genya and Marie out of courtesy. While Marie has earned her trust, a part of her is still hesitant to trust Genya. Sure, she's been nothing but helpful throughout the process and when Oprah was trying to get a hold of Alina it was Genya who connected them. But still, she's terrified of trusting her. A part of her knows that, realistically, it's impossible for Genya to turn into her mother. It doesn't mean Alina worries. Yet another reason for her to go to therapy , the voice pushes and this time it doesn't sound like Aleksander, it sounds like herself.
In the end, the reason why she decides to trust Genya it's not because of her connections to Marie or The New York Times. It isn't because Oprah got a hold of Alina because of her interference. No. The reason why she decides to trust Genya is because the second she's about to sit to start the interview, Genya comes closer and takes her hand. As simple as that.
All Alina has ever wanted was for someone to hold her hand and mean it.
Aleksander held her hand lovingly and honestly and she threw that away chasing someone else's love. She didn't realize she already had someone holding her hand until she could no longer feel warmth around it. Keyen had never held her hand after Alina stopped being a child. Aleksander did, earnestly, openly. Even from the night they met, he had attempted to hold her hand. She had turned her back on him, not realizing that what she had in front of her was what she'd been wanting for so long.
And now, Genya was holding her hand. Now, Alina realizes what she has in front of her, she will not turn her back again.
"I know this can be scary, but I know you can do this," Genya whispers as she gives Alina a gentle squeeze. "We'll be here if you need anything, but you can do this. I know you can."
It's nice to have someone holding her hand again. Especially when she needs it the most. Genya might not know it yet, but that is the moment everything changes for Alina.
The interview itself it's… Well, it's hard to try to describe it with just one word. It's a rollercoaster, that's for sure. Especially when Oprah asks about the night she wanted to commit suicide and Alina admits she still hasn't gone to therapy. But the part that's the hardest for her it's when she has to talk about the press conference, about lying and covering up her cry for help.
"Back then I didn't want to admit it, not even to myself. I was suicidal and I needed help. Lying to everyone at the press conference was the easiest and the hardest thing I had to do. I'm sorry I lied. I hope everyone can forgive me for that. I hope people can forgive me for all the lies I have told, but that one is the one I regret the most." Her voice breaks, but she gets the truth out there, just like she wanted.
She cries after she says that and Oprah is gracious enough to hand her some tissues. After that, however, there are no tears.
"The question that still remains is; do you even like to sing?" And Alina laughs at that because it is a fair question.
"I love to sing. I had a very rough childhood, you know? Not because of my mother, but simply because we didn't have much. I never particularly cared about material things because I had my voice. When I sang, it was like I was in another place, I was happy and I was fine," Alina smiles and looks at her hands. Yes, she had always loved to sing. Her love went away for a couple of years, it had become dormant, but it never went away. "It was my love for singing that kind of got me into this mess. I held on to that love for so long that when I realized what was happening it was too late."
"Do you plan to continue to sing, even after everything?" Oprah presses and Alina nods.
"If I can be completely honest, I don't know what I'm going to do right now. I don't have a label anymore nor a manager or any ties to the industry. But I won't stop singing, it's what makes me happy. It's what I have always wanted to do." Her voice broke before, but now she can feel the strength, the conviction. Sure, a part of her is scared because her best days are yet unknown, but she will find a way, she's sure of that.
"Well people and labels out there, you heard her! She's still interested in singing."
"I promise I will check my phone this time," Alina jokes and Oprah laughs at her words. Someone needs to pinch her right now.
The rest of the interview is similarly lighthearted and when Oprah asks if she wants to say one last thing Alina looks straight at the camera and speaks.
"I've spent the past years saying what everybody else wanted me to say. I realized I needed to say something. I am saying something, whether people like it or not, whether people decide to follow me or support me… or not, it's okay. My name is Alina Kir-Taban and this is just part of my story. I might not know what comes next, but I do know I'm just getting started."
Marie drives them back to her place where they order pizza, have ice cream, and make margaritas to celebrate. Alina has never been happier.
The next morning, while both her friends are still sound asleep, Alina turns on her phone. Before leaving her house, Oprah suggested that Alina should read what people have been saying. So she makes herself some tea and reads the incredible support people have been sending her since her essay was published. She tries to cry silently but eventually, she finds herself surrounded in a hug, with Genya and Marie flanking her sides.
Alina is thankful she has them and that for once, the public didn't let her down. But now that everyone knows what happened, what comes next?
Therapy should be the answer but instead, she moves in with Marie and signs up for SkillShare to learn how to edit videos because her goal is to simply upload her songs to social media. If enough people follow her then maybe she can monetize. Even with Oprah's backup, she doubts a label wants her, not with her baggage and not with everything she's done.
Turns out that's a lie.
Four weeks after she tapes her interview and two weeks after it airs she receives an email from Crow Records telling her they would like to talk to her about potentially signing her.
Alina doesn't immediately tell either Marie or Genya but she looks the record label up to see what she can find about them. Headed by music enthusiast and business major Kaz Brekker, Alina finds this label is a small one located in London with only ten years of having entered the market. They have a small group of artists on their roster but all of them enjoy various levels of success. All of them are indie, all of them are something Alina aspires to become. Their most successful artist is Nina Zenik, who has managed to play at some very prestigious jazz festivals.
Before the interview, she comes clean to her both friends. This is something that could potentially work and Alina doesn't want to lie to them after their unwavering support. She also would like her options and aid, especially because if this is going to happen, she wants Genya to become her manager.
"Me? But I do makeup!" Genya had gotten a job at Sephora after Alina left the label, she spent her days sucking up to rich white ladies that treated her horribly. While Alina felt awful about it, Genya always said things would eventually look up for them. This was their opportunity because while Alina agrees her friend has a gift, Genya is also great at managing. It takes very little convincing, especially when Marie joins Alina's efforts.
So when the Zoom meeting with the label starts, Genya is by her side. She's also by her side when they buy tickets to move to London. Marie helps them pack between tears, complaining she's going to be left alone in LA after they're gone.
Both girls are with her during the process of signing with the label but there is something Alina does alone: going to visit Aleksander.
Two days before boarding the plane towards a new life, Alina takes an Uber to his place. She wants to say goodbye. She wants to thank him for everything. But, instead of finding him, she finds a 'for sale' ad on his lawn and two men sorting Aleksander's furniture. Her stomach drops but still, with shaky steps she decides to approach them, fearing for what she's going to find.
"Hi," she says after she comes close to them. When they look at her, it's obvious they know who she is, but it's clear that is not because of her fame, but because of her relationship with Aleksander.
"Alina! It's a pleasure to meet you. We are friends of Aleksander. My name is Fedyor, and this is my husband Ivan," Fedyor says and Alina shakes hands with both of them. She recognizes Fedyor the man whose name was on the card Aleksander gave her the morning after her suicide attempt. It's nice to put a face to the name.
"I was just looking for him. I know he might not want to see me but…" For some reason, her voice becomes small and soft. She knows the reason is that she's scared that something might've happened to him but the rational part of her reminds her that if his friends are smiling then he has to be okay. Right?
"He moved. Before leaving he didn't leave instructions of whether he wanted his new location to be disclosed," Ivan explains, with a face that reveals nothing.
Her heart sinks when she hears Ivan's words. Aleksander moved. He no longer lives in his small charming house with Iris. The floor where she sang for him the first time no longer belongs to him. His bed, his kitchen, the garden… he left all that behind. He left her behind.
She will not cry, she will not cry on this lawn ever again. Alina makes herself that promise, even if fighting the tears is one of the hardest things she's ever done.
"If you want we can try to contact him," Fedyor offers but Alina shakes her head. No. It was silly to look for him anyway. He has every right to do what he pleases, to go away. It was stupid to look for him when they had broken up not once, but twice already.
"No, no. I'm sorry I shouldn't have come here. I just…" she thinks about telling them but changes her mind. It's not important anyway. "Is he okay? I just want to know that. You don't need to say anything else."
Fedyor and Ivan exchange a sympathetic look before Ivan, in all his seriousness, answers with a fondness in his tone of voice. "He is. No need to worry about that."
Sure, as if she knew how to make her brain turn off all the Aleksander-related thoughts. Especially when she no longer knows where he is. Especially because she couldn't tell him where she's going to be.
When she gets to London, managing her feelings and her thoughts about Aleksander becomes slightly easier. Slightly. It should be hard to find the time to think of him when she's relocating to the UK after years of being in the states. By all means, it should be hard to think of him when she starts to work with the label and there are meetings and reunions and discussions and an endless cycle of things that need her focus and attention because for the first time in forever she has final say on her music.
It should be easy to avoid all thoughts about Aleksander but she can't because he's there in her lyrics, in the steps she's taking, and then… He's there when she finally starts therapy.
Inej, Kaz's partner —in both business and life, because of course Genya already has that information— recommends her the therapist she's been going on for years and suddenly Alina finds herself sitting in front of a woman named Ana Kuya and talking about all the things she considers she needs to work on.
Therapy is hard work, she learns but so is building herself and her career from the ashes. Alina learns she can handle tough. She is tough.
She is decidedly not tough when one day, after arriving at the label, Inej tells her someone sent her flowers. They don't know who it was as the blue irises didn't come with a card or an address, but Alina knows that there is only one person in this whole wide world that knows her favorite flower is blue irises. She also knows it's been a year since she last saw him.
When she tells her therapist about how she cried all night after she got home and put the irises next to her bed, Ana suggests it might be time to date. Alina dreads the idea, because how the fuck is she supposed to date anyone who isn't Aleksander? She has too much going on with the new label and therapy and… and… Ana says she's making excuses to keep holding on to Aleksander which is something Genya agrees with.
It's strange, bittersweet, and downright awful to think about dating other people when her album is filled with him. Alone is a crowded room is not a homage to Aleksander nor to the relationship they shared, but there are enough hints and references to him and what they went through together because she considers him to be an important part of her life, even if he's not a part of it anymore. His gentle touch and his loving words will always accompany her.
Alina is working on an album she's proud of, she is a part of a label that values her, that listens to what she has to say. For the first time in years, she feels like she belongs to something like she's a human being and not a puppet or a money-making machine. She's supported by her friends and coworkers, she's talented and once again has fans, this time not people who are interested in gossip but in her career.
Things are decidedly great, even if Aleksander is not there with her. Even if she hasn't heard from him in two years. She really can't complain because her life is great. By all means, it's not perfect; she's still a work in progress but she's getting there. He would be proud of her, that much she knows. And if he isn't then she's proud of herself.
And when the second anniversary of the last time she saw him rolls around, instead of crying over the blue irises he sends her, she smiles and hugs the vase, keeping it close to her chest. She might not have a clue of where he is, but at least, Alina knows that she's in his thoughts as well.
him
"Hello, handsome," someone whispers in his ear, making him smile before he even turns around.
The voice belongs to Luda, whose big blue eyes are filled with guilt. Before he even has a chance to let her know he does not mind her tardiness, she starts to speak.
"I'm sorry, it's just that Ulla called and I lost track of time." She fiddles with her wedding band, a gesture Aleksander has seen time and time again. Every time Luda talked about her wife, she touched her ring. It was endearing but it also helped him win every poker night.
"It is okay, we did not mind waiting for you," Aleksander tells her as he watches her say hello to Iris. His friend pats his dog's head with fondness before giving her a treat. Once Luda is done she focuses on Aleksander, kissing him on the cheek and taking her cup of coffee from one of his hands. "How is she, by the way?"
"Oh, she's thrilled. It's not like every day she gets to cover the trial of a South American dictator," Luda answers before taking a sip of her coffee. "The team the newspaper sent is rather small so she's keeping long hours, hence why I really couldn't decline her call this morning. I am so…"
"Luda, it is fine," he assures her while offering his arm. She takes it before they start to walk together. "I am just glad you were able to talk to her before your anniversary."
"Me too," his friend says, ducking her head to drink more of her coffee. "You're coming to the concert tomorrow, right?"
Turns out, Luda had bought tickets for her and Ulla to have a nice date during their anniversary, when it became obvious that Ulla would not come back to enjoy said present, Luda invited him instead. He could not say no to her, especially after witnessing how miserable she was without her wife.
"Of course, I would not want to miss it." Aleksander did not know who the artist even was but it barely mattered to him, he just wanted to make her feel better. "So, what did she tell you? Can you give me a scoop or do I have to find out tomorrow through Twitter?" Luda laughs as they make their way to the building where they both work. It takes a second for him to convince her to share her info, but once she does, the rest of their walk becomes very entertaining.
Located fifteen blocks away from his flat and sixteen away from Luda and Ulla's is the building where the Anti Corruption project has its offices. The ONG has several others located throughout the UK but Aleksander finds that the best one is the one located on the eighth floor and overlooking Trafalgar Square. It has been his office for the past year and a half, but he would not change it for anything in the world.
"We're having lunch with the kids, right?" Luda asks as they wait for the elevator to open its doors. Once it does he holds it for her before entering with Iris.
"I do not think they like it when you call them that," Aleksander comments with a playful tone but Luda shrugs.
"They don't know what a VHS is, they are kids to me," she replies, before kissing his cheek. She steps out to the seventh floor waving her hand at him. "Have a wonderful day Sasha!"
It is not like Luda is usually a grump in the mornings —unlike her wife— but there is a certain spring in her step. Aleksander is happy for her, he really is, it is just that sometimes he finds that he is jealous. He would like what his friends have. A loving partnership and a stable relationship. The image of going home and having someone there or just being home and seeing Alina come through the door… Because of course, he wants that with her. Two years and counting and he cannot get her out of his head.
He sighs as he enters his office, trying not to think about how pathetic he is for pining after Alina after two years. At least no one is there yet and he can get himself comfortable at the same time he tries to put his brain into work mode. It rarely helps, but at least Aleksander manages to compromise; during work hours, he focused on the things to do, on the endless amount of paperwork that never seemed to get smaller, and after, he could be as pathetic as he wanted.
As his computer turns on he fills Iris' water bowl he mentally goes through everything he needs to do during the day. He is thankful that he has this job, that he was offered this opportunity. That he has a second chance at life.
When Fedyor suggested he tried to get jobs as a lawyer, Aleksander thought it was a shot in the dark. In many ways it was, but due to his background and life story, he had been the perfect candidate for the Anti-Corruption Project. They were looking to cover a position within their international law department and Aleksander fit the bill. If anything they went above and beyond for him, paying for some courses so that he could join their team as soon as possible.
He had found the whole thing ironic. For every angle he looked at it, it was ridiculous, unexpected, completely twisted. It was a way for life to let him know it had a sense of humor and whoever moved the strings of fate loved humoring him. Finding a job at an anti-corruption organization of all places, but one that was based in London, his hometown that was everything but home.
It still did not feel like home.
Los Angeles was never meant to be home and he understood that, but as he packed, as Fedyor and Ivan helped him sort his things and move back across the ocean, he realized that it had been home at least for a while because Los Angeles was the place where he met Alina. He loved and he felt loved there. In the end, it had been his home and that made his moving process a little more bittersweet than he intended.
Selling the house, securing his paperwork, packing his bags, buying airplane tickets, making sure Iris was going to be with him and not in some fucking kennel, letting Ivan and Fedyor get rid of the furniture he did not take with him… It did not dawn on him that it was the end of an era until he was hugging his friends goodbye at the LAX terminal. They promised to stay in touch, having already made plans to spend Christmas together in London.
"Take care of yourself, Aleksander," Fedyor said as they hovered over the last stop. Once Aleksander started to make the line to go over immigration then it was goodbye. Goodbye to his friends and this city. "Make sure he takes care of himself, okay?" Fedyor told Iris and Aleksander almost wanted to laugh because of the situation. Iris had always taken care of him, in so many ways he could not even count them.
"I promise to call," he said and Ivan nodded, patting him in the bicep.
"You have a decent phone now, there's no excuse or reason not to call or send a text to let us know you are alive and well," Ivan responded and after one last hug, he was off.
He did not think about how his phone still had a photo of Alina set as wallpaper. He tried not to think too much as he stared at the photo when the plane took off and when the plane landed in London.
She is the real reason why London does not feel like home and he knows it. He knows that now that he has a job and friends all that is missing is her. Aleksander is aware that he is the one who rejected her and although he still stands by that decision he cannot help but want her all the same. He knows that she is it, there will not be anyone else. His heart belongs to her, wherever she is and whatever she might decide to do she is the owner of his heart. Whether she likes it or not, it belongs to her.
He read his essay in Los Angeles. Fedyor was the one who bought a copy of the Times to give to him. Aleksander devoured the whole thing in one sitting. He was pretty sure he did not even breathe as he consumed every single one of the letters that Alina had written. It was as clear as day that she was the one who wrote it, without help. He recognized her voice, her inner fire, the strength and passion she had shown him during the private moments they had shared.
He held Iris close as he went online to take a look at all the evidence she collected and added to her words. His whole body trembled as he listened to the audios of Keyen mistreating and abusing her daughter and he had to fight the tears as he looked at the pictures that were proof of all Alina had lived.
There was a time when he would have kissed those bruises, there was a time when he would have held her close to protect her. It was clear that she did not need him anymore and he was proud of that. Even if rejecting her had been extremely hard on him, he was reading all the proof he needed to confirm that he had made the right decision.
Alina had grown wings without him, and he was happy for her.
He was already in London when her interview premiered. Aleksander was in the middle of buying furniture for his new flat when he saw the announcement on the TV, in between shampoo ads. Oprah and Alina, sitting down at Oprah's house and discussing everything the latter wrote in the essay and more. He knew how much that must have meant to her because Alina had revealed that she admired Oprah and it was one of her dreams to be interviewed by her.
Even if the circumstances could have been better, he was happy that she was finally doing something she dreamt about.
Aleksander was a handful of nerves when he sat down on the floor to watch the interview. There was no couch to sit, so he just nursed a beer as Iris rested her head in his lap. This time he was not trembling, but he felt as if his heart might escape from his chest. What was she going to say? How was she going to look? Would she mention him? He did not have the answers to his own questions, and he was not sure what to expect.
When her face appeared on the screen he had to hold back a choke, because she looked absolutely beautiful. Alina, his Alinochka, his solnishka , his lyubov , as beautiful as he remembered.
"Do you remember her, Iris?" Aleksander asked as he scratched behind her ears. Although his dog did not respond, Aleksander continued to speak. "Yes, I miss her too."
He felt like crying when Alina cried, when Alina talked about that fateful night when they met each other. It was like a thorn on his heart because he took it as another reminder that they were never meant to be. Their first meeting has been rooted in hurt and trauma. Even if he missed her dearly, he would take every reminder that life threw at him to drill into his brain that he had taken the right decision.
Then, the interview took a lighter tone, talking about Alina's plans and what she wanted to do with her life. He found himself smiling as she spoke about her love for music and her desire to continue to sing, despite everything she had been through. His beautiful Alinochka, a living proof that people could come out of the storm stronger and braver than ever. He was incredibly proud of having shared part of her journey with her. It had been brief but intense and he knows that even if she does not mention him during the interview, they will carry in their hearts what they lived together.
His heart had a tattoo in it, it was Alina's name because he did not belong to anyone but to her.
Said heart soared with pride when the news became public that Alina signed with a new label, right there in London. It made him want to laugh because it was even more ironic than he thought. She was there, so near and so far away, the farthest she had ever been from him, all while living in the same town.
These days he manages well, he can consume her music and enjoy it. He does not spend his time looking for hidden meanings in her songs or trying to look for clues to see if she misses him as much as he misses her. No, now he is just a regular fan that follows her on Twitter and has her songs on his Spotify. He was one of the rest, one ordinary face among the many people that supported her career. Even if he could claim that he knew her in ways the other fans never would, it hardly mattered, they did not share a relationship anymore, he was just another fan, someone Alina did not even know about.
But that was now, where he could hear her radio interviews and read the ones that she did for online magazines. That was now that he was able to do that without breaking down in the middle of the grocery store, but before, before therapy, before he was able to process, he really did not know what to do or how to deal with it.
At least the first time he heard her on the radio he was in a safe environment. Ulla and Luda had invited him to have dinner with them, they had eaten and they were just drinking wine and talking about everything and nothing when out of the blue he heard her voice coming out of the speakers that were installed in his friends' living room. A new song, a completely different sound from what her first label had her promote, but something he had heard before, on the beach, when she sang directly in his ear because back then he was the only one who wanted to listen.
The realization that the world was ready to listen to her made him fill with pride but he could not get rid of the bittersweet taste in his mouth. She was doing what she wanted and he was proud, but he was not there with her. He was not by her side supporting her.
"Aleksander, are you okay?" Luda had asked, gently placing her hand on his shoulder. It was a small gesture but the one that broke the damn. He started crying there, in the middle of Ulla and Luda's living room. A fully grown man, sobbing as if his life depended on it just because he heard a song on the radio.
Her voice, all magical and captivating, filled the living room. Alina, his Alina, sounding as melodious as ever, singing her song a song that he knew she wrote herself. A song he found in the box and read out loud. A song she told him about, how she imagined the music would sound like and how everything would come to life. Back then she did not think it was possible, but he was hearing it. It was possible. She had achieved it.
He heard her sing again and everything broke down around him. He broke down as well, unable to keep the charade of being okay with hearing the woman he loved doing what she wanted with her life while him not being there by her side. That was all he wanted, to be there for her. That was all he had ever wanted.
Luckily, neither of the women judged him, they simply surrounded him in a protective embrace until he could get his shit together and explain what happened.
"The name of that song is 'Fly before you fall', she… she was working on it when we were at the beach together. She walked me through the process of writing the lyrics and what she thought the music would be. I cannot…" He took a deep breath, unable to keep his voice steady, especially because he had thought the song was about him, about them and their relationship. He had never asked, wanting to respect her privacy and give her space. Back then Aleksander had been more than happy to simply accept whatever she was willing to show him. So he never asked and now he had to live with not knowing. "I cannot believe she recorded it. She did it, she finally did it."
He cannot stop the tears that fall from his eyes. A thirty-three-year-old man babbling and getting coddled because he was still in love with a woman he had decided to let go. Pathetic, utterly, and completely pathetic. Neither Ulla nor Luda had agreed with his line of thought. Instead, they reminded him he had gone through a very difficult breakup and he had always put her first. So they set him up with therapy and tried to help in any way they could.
Some ways worked —like therapy, or introducing him to many friends— while others crashed and burned catastrophically —like when they set him up on a date… he just will not even try to describe how that went. He was thankful for them because he knows that his life would not be what it is if it was not for their support and friendship.
Therapy had been eye-opening. Hard work, for sure, but eye-opening nonetheless.
Luda set him up with one of her colleagues, one that graduated with her and everything. It is the only reason why he agreed because he trusted Luda and if she said that if Lizabeta was one of the best then what else was he going to do but book an appointment? Therapy, as it turned out, was hard work. In hindsight, it should not have been a big surprise, but it was. Especially because Lizabeta did not start in the present moment, but instead made him go back to his past, to talk about his life, about his parents, about his grandfather, about himself.
Every session was like going back and deconstructing everything, seeing it with a new pair of eyes. Many of the sessions revolved around his grandfather, unsurprisingly.
"He was my hero, he meant everything to me. If you had asked me back then what was the most important relationship I had it would have been him," Aleksander admits, feeling endless shame about his words. After all, his grandfather was the absolute worst person. Lizabeta did not judge him in any way, instead, she reminded him that, like the rest of the world, he had also suffered the consequences of his grandfather's actions. "What does it say about me? I admired a liar and a horrible person."
She reminded him of something that he had seemed to forget a while ago: he was not his grandfather, he was not Ilya. Aleksander was not in any way, shape, or form responsible for the actions his grandfather took. He did not owe the world anything and he also did not have to feel shame, because it was not his fault.
It was never his fault and he should not have carried around the guilt on his shoulders after all these years. He was not Atlas, after all.
It took him several sessions to start talking about Alina. The only reason he did it in the first place was because he sent her a bouquet of blue irises once he realized the anniversary of the day they said goodbye was coming up and he felt like he had to do something about it. He felt like it was an important day and he wanted to acknowledge that.
When Lizabeta asked him what Alina meant to him, during the session when he told her about the flowers, he remained silent for too long. It was, at least apparently, a simple question. But it was everything but. Aleksander, ever so good with words and how to carefully craft an answer, still lost speech when it related to her.
"Alina means a lot to me. She was the first person I allowed myself to be free with," he said as Iris came close and rested her head in his lap; showing her support. "I am still in love with her, even if it has been a year after we saw each other."
That was the first time he ever said it out loud. He never had before, it was implicit to his closest friends. The grass is green, Iris is the best dog ever, Aleksander is in love with Alina… it was something undeniable, but it was also something he had never admitted out loud.
Lizabeta, instead of trying to get him to get over Alina, simply started to unpack their relationship, just like she did with his other relationships. She was particularly interested in exploring why Aleksander did not consider himself suitable to enter a relationship with her. They had worked for so long to help him get rid of the guilt, of the shame that had become a part of him for so many years and yet, when it came to this situation, Aleksander still hesitated.
Alina was on her way to achieving her dreams. A new label, the image she wanted, she was singing the songs she wanted; what would he bring to the relationship? He was sure he would only hold her down. Aleksander saw himself as a thing of the past, someone she met when she was at her worst, now that she was shining as brightly as ever, he was nothing but shadows.
Lizabeta still wanted to work on that, Aleksander was unsure there was something to work on.
"Hey boss, good morning!" Tolya greets while entering the office. Nadia is not far behind, talking to Botkin as they enter their shared space. Their little team of four… five, because Iris was an honorary member, at least according to Nadia, is ready to tackle the day. He likes them, likes that they all come from different backgrounds and that all of them have something to offer. He likes that they are respectful about his personal story, that they let him set his own pace and acclimate into their group. He is thankful about the job they do, but especially about the friendship they have formed.
Tolya and Nadia take it as a personal challenge to teach him modern and 'young' things. He becomes comfortable with his phone and social media, with slang and current things. Sure, he is still not very prone to taking a selfie, but with friends, he is more than happy to smile for the camera. Botkin is a different thing, their friendship is rooted in mutual respect and understanding. It is him who tells Aleksander to take his time with dating and allow himself to heal.
They work together during the morning, almost non-stop. They only realize that it is time to stop working when Luda knocks on their door and reminds them that there is a world out there and they also promised her a good bowl of ramen. It is on the way there when he sees Alina's face.
It is not a billboard, like the ones he used to see in Los Angeles, but rather a wall filled with posters. He knows she is about to release her new album, filled with songs she wrote herself, filled with all the things she ever wanted. Aleksander feels pride and excitement because he is now a fan and like all the rest of them, he has been waiting to finally listen to the whole record.
He thought about letting her know when he sent her the bouquet of blue irises on the second anniversary of the last time they saw each other. Aleksander went over the idea of attaching a card, writing her a simple message or something to send with the flowers. In the end, he had decided against it, because everything was already too much for him. All he wanted was for Alina to know that he thought of her and that he was happy about how everything had turned out for her.
"I think she would be proud of you too, you know?" Luda tells him, patting him in the arm as they start walking to catch up with the others.
Aleksander is not entirely sure Alina would be proud of him. Sure, he has a job where he is doing something important, something impactful and with real repercussions in the world. Sure, he has friends and feels loved and supported. Sure, he is going to therapy and trying to work through his issues. But that does not matter.
The reason why Alina would not be proud of him is because he lied to her. He told her, when they said goodbye, that he had let her go. The truth is that he is pretty sure he is never going to let her go. He will always be in love with her. He had made his peace with it. It was not going to change.