Or, Caroline's vivid dreams/memories start to take their toll on her
Your touch, your skin, where do I begin?
No words can explain the way I'm missing you
Deny this emptiness, this hole that I'm inside
These tears, they tell their own story
Told me not to cry when you were gone
But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong
Sam Smith, "Lay Me Down"
16. 'YOU'RE NOT CRAZY'
It can't be called a dream.
"You're a good friend to her, Stefan. I hope someday you'll be more than that." Her mom smiles at Stefan, who seems to be surprised she's saying that and comments nothing. "I'm dying. I'm allowed to be blunt."
"Well, I don't think the timing is right for me and Caroline right now, with everything going on."
"Oh, blame me, why don't you?"
"No, I just mean if I'm gonna start something with Caroline, I want it to be perfect... No loss, no pain, no grief."
Her mom is sick.
Her mom is dead.
Caroline is trying to grasp the sight of her, who is already gone. Now all she has are small pieces of a memory that Stefan threw at her, and the memory is also fading away because Stefan is dying.
She is killing Stefan.
When Caroline realizes what she's about to do, she pulls the stake out and gives some trembling steps backward.
"I want to see the rest."
"Please, make her come back."
He can't.
And Caroline feels so much pain to bring her to her knees. She destroyed the last message her mom had for her. She almost killed the man she loves.
"I tried to kill you, and then I made you turn it off, and then we… oh god!"
She's ruined everything.
"Caroline, wake up. Caroline, dear, wake up."
The dream is so real that Caroline can only sigh in relief and hug her mother tightly when she opens her eyes and sees her sitting next to her on the bed.
"You had a nightmare."
"I had a nightmare" she repeats, not quite believing it herself. The feeling was so intense. "I'm sorry. I did not want to wake you up."
She feels like a little girl once more.
"It's okay. It's okay." Her mom frowns, looking at her with concern. "But I have never seen you have night terrors like this. Is there something you want to tell me?"
Caroline shakes her head.
Even if she wanted to, she would not know what to say, or where to start.
Silas.
There's something about the legend, now that she's heard it for the third time, that bothers her, and yet Caroline can't pinpoint what it is.
"I wonder what's the reason behind that frown on your lovely face."
She sighs. Loudly. How many times is she going to be the one in charge of dealing with Klaus? It feels like it's taking them forever to get that cure from the island, which means she still has to babysit while he is trapped in the house.
"Of course, I'm worried about what you are going to do once you get out of here. Who you are going to kill. Am I on that list yet?"
"You know I have no desire to kill you, love. Although this little trick you pulled on me is problematic."
"The only problematic thing here is your paranoia. Why couldn't you just accept much earlier that we all want the cure?"
"Do we?" He whispers "Do you?"
He tells her they are the same. That she prefers the person she is now, strong, ageless, fearless. And he's not wrong in that Caroline has long embraced all those things that come with being a vampire, but he knows so little, and therefore cannot understand.
"You are right. I like the person who I am now, even if it's cost me my human life, pain, tears and blood. I like me."
It's not something she's ever said, but the moment the words are out of her mouth she knows it's true.
"But I still want to be human, if I ever have the chance. If I knew it'd be safe, and I could still protect my mom, or my friends. I'd take the cure."
Because then her dreams would be possible. She could have the twins, two little girls who'd run around the house and try to surprise her in their hiding spots, just like they did when they visited in her sleep. They are engraved in her heart, perhaps the only image that is as strong as Stefan's in her dreams.
He seems surprised by her declaration.
"Come on, don't give me that look."
"I don't believe you."
"Since I turned, I've killed three people. The first was because I was new and could not control my bloodlust. The second time, my mom found out our secret, and her men were going to kill Stefan and Damon, so I felt I had no choice. It's not much, for vampire standards, Stefan says I should be proud of myself. I am, for the most part, but those are still lives that could be spared if I was human. I still care, because I remember what it was like to be human. You have long forgotten about that. You killed Tyler's mom without mercy, and now you plan to hunt him down too, what for? Will it help you to bring back your hybrids?"
"How can I believe you want a plain, boring human life with a plain, boring human man?"
"I don't need to be human. I just want to be good. And I want to be with someone who strives to be good, too."
"And yet, you are here."
She looks into his eyes.
Because she might not agree with his ways, she doesn't like that he feels no remorse about his most questionable or plainly vile actions, and she will never walk the same path as him, but they share an understanding.
"Don't worry. I'm not deluding myself any longer." He smirks. "Does the Ripper know about your feelings for him?"
Stefan hands her a cup of coffee, and she turns her back to him as they speak.
Now she sees him and wonders if he knows. What if everyone has noticed?
Bonnie probably knows, too, that's why she commented on her picking Stefan's side instead of Elena's.
Oh, Bonnie.
She must be heartbroken too. After all, she and Jeremy had been inseparable since he came back.
That is, if Bonnie is okay and alive… but the alternative is something that she is not willing to entertain.
In times like this, Caroline prepares to do the only thing she can: plan the funeral. It feels even worse when she realizes that she, too, is becoming familiar with burying people she knows.
But it's all a disaster, something that cannot be fixed at all.
She knows it's true when Bonnie comes back, apparently safe at first, before starting babbling about some absurd plan that involves killing twelve people to bring back everyone from the Other Side.
"People who do terrible things are just terrible people."
Recalling that old dream, she recognizes it was Klaus she was talking to, and that it was her who ended up killing the witches to save Bonnie.
It's because her friend doesn't see reason, she wants Jeremy back.
And Elena… Elena finally snaps and realizes her brother is dead, and tries to burn the house. Damon's magic solution is to make her turn off her humanity.
"What have you done?!"
What will happen to Elena, who has nothing left, not even herself?
All Caroline knows is that she has lost her two friends, and there's a void in her heart growing colder and colder with each passing minute, as she drives back home.
Their relationship has never been perfect. For years she's been jealous of the bond between Elena and Bonnie, or about the best traits of her friends she wanted for herself. Resentful that she was left out of the secrets most times. Even so, they are present in all her important memories.
Now it's gone.
There's a funeral to plan.
Caroline sits on her bed and cries silently. It starts because of the events of the day, but then she cannot stop. She recalls her dreams, and everything she's been through since the day she was born as a vampire, it's not been that long, but she's so exhausted.
It feels as if she's been doing this forever, over and over again.
He finds her curled up in bed, still crying.
"Caroline?" He sounds startled to see her in that state. "What's happening?"
'I can't see things happening the exact same way.'
"I can't-" She cannot tell him either because he will think she's crazy. "I don't know what is happening to me."
The next second, he is holding her in his arms and Caroline rests her head on his shoulder, breathing in deeply to calm herself down.
"Tell me I'm not crazy."
"You're not crazy." Stefan sighs "Caroline-"
"Just… don't ask, please."
There is a long silence that follows her request, and she thinks he will try to get more answers from her.
"Okay, no questions asked." He says, moving his hands to rest on her shoulders and putting distance between them. "I came here to talk about my brother's outstanding decision-making skills, but that clearly can wait for another time. Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yeah, the last thing I want now is to talk about Damon's reckless stupidity, which I've already established a long time ago. I need to breathe some fresh air." She stands up and straightens her clothes "A bottle of whiskey or two from your cellar will help, too."
He raises an eyebrow.
"Is this a very well elaborated plan to steal all the expensive liquor from my house? Because I know for a fact that your mother has a great collection."
She smiles, grateful that he is helping her leave behind the uncomfortable part of being caught crying.
"It's your fault. You almost emptied her supply when you slept over. Worst of all, she thinks it was me."
He nods, the corners of his mouth lift up as he adds. "Technically, it was half your fault."
"Shut up."
She picks her bag, and twitches her lips as she looks around.
"What?"
"New humanity-less Elena, who clearly will need more than Damon to keep her in check."
He tilts his head. "And you're planning exactly what?"
"Just that I will pay regular visits to your house, of course. Especially to one of those bathrooms no one uses. Did you know the new mayor is planning to put vervain in the whole water system? I'm counting on you to have a solution for that."
He chuckles.
"Fine. Just don't let Damon know."