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You can't turn back time
Can't erase the truth
Can't relive the things
You want to undo
So fall forward
Let it mark your soul
Your heart tender
And your thoughts bold

I fix my eyes
On redeeming love

Amy Stroup, "Redeeming Love"

34. WHEN IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU

Sometimes, his eyes follow her every move when she talks, when she laughs, when she complains about little things. She's like sunlight, sometimes too bright that it blinds you when you look directly at her.

The need to be close to the only source of comfort and calm in his life is only natural. Sometimes they talk about the craziness of their latest Mystic Falls related events sitting near the fireplace in his house, or in her living room, and she's close enough that it's impossible not to smell the soft, floral scent in her skin, in her hair. But he always pushes away the thoughts of touching her almost as soon as they appear.

And he tells her everything, until he doesn't. Stefan isn't even aware of this at first, and he doesn't question why he fears her judgment if she's the person he trusts the most in the world. He's used to telling her of all his problems, and of his darkest impulses, the ones he has to keep under wraps on a daily basis.

Looking back, there are several instances when he should have realized things between them have changed. Or at least, his feelings about his best friend have changed.

His need to explain the Katherine misunderstanding, for example. He had not cared much about Damon's opinion, but when his brother had the great sense to comment this to their friends, and he saw the look on her face, all he wanted was to make it clear to Caroline. And there's the relief he feels when she, as always, manages to see his actions as good.

Sometimes he can't help but wonder, when is he going to lose this? When is he going to fall to a pit and ruin their bond? Even if he tries to be the better man, there always comes a time when something bad happens, he'll hurt someone, and that image she has of him will break.

Elena used to see the best in him, too, and then she saw the monster he could be and decided Damon was better for her after all.

So he omits the part where, perhaps, Klaus and Rebekah tricked Tom into a plan he did not agree with. It's going to save his life in the long run, and that's the important part. But Caroline would be upset about their methods, and he does not want her to be disappointed with him.

He fears it's finally happening when he looks for her after the ordeal with the Marcos-induced-visions is over, and she does not take his calls.

And he doesn't tell her about Enzo for the same reason, which of course backfires as she asks her why he's hiding things from her.

"Maybe I didn't want you to know I killed Enzo."

"Why?"

"Because I know you, and I know you guys had that weird little chemistry going on."

"Pick another excuse." Now she looks more upset. "For all purposes, he's also the reason one of my friends is temporarily dead, sleeping, whatever you and Klaus want to call the thing you did with Tom."

Shouldn't he feel better that she doesn't have any fondness for Enzo? However, she's mentioning Tom, and Stefan thinks that, of course, the better doppelgänger comes first...

"I can't do this anymore. Not with you. It's tiring."

It feels as if his heart stops beating. "What do you mean?"

Because it sounds as if she's breaking up with him.

They are friends.

Can you break up with a friend?

"I'm sorry. I guess I'm afraid there's going to be this day when you don't let things slide anymore. You'll see I'm not the person you make me out to be."

"I know who you are, Stefan."

The look in her eyes is reassuring, and he can't stop staring at her. He moves his hand to touch the tiny, almost imperceptible spot where she has ashes on her cheek, and that's the moment his brother chooses to call for them.

He feels he should have said something more then, but the chance is missed.

"I think you can either be friends with someone or in love with them. I don't think you can be both."

When he tells Elena this, he's thinking about his brother, of course, but he's also thinking about his own situation. It wasn't that long ago when he was in a very dark place, drowning in despair after their relationship ended. These days? He's taking every chance to tell Damon and Elena to fix things, and it doesn't hurt the way it would have in the past. You have to fall out of love to be friends with someone.

You cannot be only friends and be in love with them. But there are certain bonds that need to be preserved and treasured above all, so he ignores all those signs, little moments he's been trying so hard to push to the back of his mind.

The next time he's contemplating this again is when they're kidnapped by Marcos and his travelers (again) and this time they might just not make it if they keep draining their blood.

During the short moments of consciousness as he loses all strength, however, there's one recurring thought that keeps coming to his mind. Caroline…

He hopes the travelers didn't hurt her, or his brother.

If they manage to survive this end-of-their-world problem, there are so many things he wants to tell her.

"I think I just hallucinated a unicorn." Elena says, trying to fill the silence after the long hours of wandering on an empty road.

"Maybe Caroline's nearby?"

"If Caroline was here, we'd have a fully catered buffet on the side of the road... and a rainbow."

If Caroline was here, he'd be more positive that they can make it through the threat of dying or losing their home.

"Two rainbows."

"That's funny. You know, when we were younger, I couldn't decide what was more annoying: The control-freakiness, or her delusional positivity. Right now, honestly, there isn't a single person I wish was here more."

Caroline's stubbornness and need for control are also what makes her such an amazing friend. To Stefan, it's become his own humanity insurance...

"Control-freakiness never really bugged me."

"Yeah, but you didn't have to build a Barbie castle with her in second grade."

He pictures an eight-year-old Caroline, and smiles. She's cute now, she was probably even more adorable as a child.

"That's true. But I do know this; if Caroline Forbes were here right now, we would both be laughing."

Perhaps her name has become his very own amulet, right after they start talking about her, someone appears to rescue them and take them back to town.

Being back to Mystic Falls ends up being a bad idea. Once the traveler's spell has started, they barely manage to get out of the limits of the town with Matt's help, but he finally can hear her voice again.

"Where are you?"

"Stefan! You're okay." He hears her breathing and just wishes he could see her right now.

"Elena and I are out of time and waiting for Jeremy and Damon. I'll be waiting for you but the spell is spreading, you need to hurry up Caroline."

"Okay, I… I'll convince Bonnie and I'll see you soon. Take care, please."

"Convince her?"

But she's already hung up.

He has a bad feeling about this, but it vanishes when she sees her golden hair as she comes running towards him, not long after the rest has left.

"You're okay. You're okay." Her arms wrap him in an embrace, and he hugs her tightly, feeling her warmth. "I was so worried about you. And Bonnie, we need to wait for her. Enzo was trying to convince her to find the traveler's spell to bring everyone back from the Other Side like they did with Marcos, but there's no time, and what if she waits for too long?"

Somehow, it feels this is the closest they've ever been.

"It's alright, we are going to fix this."

"Caroline, I-"

"Don't do that to me ever again, please. Don't disappear like that." Suddenly her eyes are glistening with tears and his heart aches at that sight.

"Okay." His thumb follows the traces of her tears, across her cheeks and down to the corner of her mouth.

He just stops fighting it and presses his lips to hers.