Is anyone still reading this? Let me know, so I'll continue in November when I'm back...

I know now, just quite how

My life and love might still go on

In your heart, in your mind

I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could make you mine

I'll go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time

I'll go wherever you will go

Charlene Soraia, "Wherever you will go"

36. EVERYONE WANTS TO FIND PEACE, RIGHT?

So this is what being dead feels like… light and empty, like not feeling at all?

Perhaps it's just because she hasn't crossed to the other side yet. Caroline wonders if there's even a point in doing that since it'll just disappear anyway. It's clear to her the moment she finds herself in front of Bonnie.

A look of utter horror crosses her friend's face.

"This can't be happening."

Caroline doesn't know what to say in a situation like this, so she puts on her best smile.

"Hey, looking on the bright side, we're not going alone. We'll have each other."

This is not the way she wanted things to happen, of course. Stefan…

Stefan had just held her in his arms, he'd kissed her, and there was such a promise in that kiss.

However, having made her choice, she does not regret it. She grabs Bonnie's hand and, like that, she is somewhere else. Back at her dorm.

She gasps when her eyes find her own body, lying on her bed, Stefan sitting right next to her. His hands and his clothes are covered in blood, and he is very, very still.

Then she hears the footsteps of people rushing into the room.

"Oh, my God. Caroline!" Elena stops right at the feet of the bed, her eyes flickering from Caroline to Stefan. "What happened?"

"Julian happened," Stefan says under his breath. "He's no longer a problem, I killed him."

Damon appears to be at a loss for words, too. Should she be touched? There's never been much love between the two of them, but now he looks genuinely shocked to see her dead. Almost sad, even.

"I'll tell her mother. We have to go, the spell is reaching this place soon."

"You're not telling her mom anything, because we are not losing her now." Stefan glares at his brother and stands up, giving slow steps towards him. "We are bringing her back. Caroline… she can't be dead."

She wishes she could let him know that she is right there, watching over him. There's no need to feel guilty in the way she knows he's feeling now. Still, she's dead and there is no way to make him listen to her, is there?

Suddenly, everything around her starts trembling and strong winds try to whisk her away. No, she'll go, but not like this. Not like this…

Trying to hold onto anything around her seems useless, and she's about to surrender when someone grabs her hand. Her eyes open wide when she sees Stefan…

"But look at it, if it isn't my favorite frenemy?"

"Silas."

He feels all his hopes are crushed under the weight of Bonnie's sad eyes.

"I don't know… I don't know where she is, Stefan. After she crossed… she just disappeared."

"What do you mean?"

He's just killed a witch and threatened another, justifying his every action with the promise that it's all so he can bring Caroline back…

"Maybe she has found peace."

And maybe it says something terrible about himself, that he feels despair over this possibility. She can't be dead. He needs her to be alive.

"If that… please, keep looking for her, there's not much time left."

"We don't have the traveler either. Enzo says he had something planned, but he's not back yet."

"He's going to do his part." Damon intervenes, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Now, let's go and check if Donovan and Jeremy are doing his."

They need to kill the travelers and at the same time. And for this to work, someone has to go with them too.

Stefan thinks it's actually a good thing, he can look for Caroline himself.

He lies all the time, so why would she trust him now? Even after learning more about his future, he still chose to go through the same route. He says it was so he could eventually find peace with Amara, but Caroline doubts someone like him can achieve such a feat.

"The curious case here isn't me, but you. This is your one-in-a-lifetime to access all of your memories. Do you still want that?"

"You said I couldn't take them."

"True. You'll suffer like a bitch and maybe even go crazy, mixing different sets of memories and all that. Does it matter, since you are planning on staying dead?"

"How do you know?"

He raises an eyebrow.

There's no need to be a psychic when you have already seen a person's entire life, apparently.

"I just think… if I knew why… If only I knew, then maybe I can find peace."

Caroline isn't sure where they are. She thinks they are walking through the woods near the boarding house (where he attacked her the first time).

"You don't need to get your memories back to know that. The reason no one wants to talk about it, it's because it is even worse than the immortality witches claim to be unnatural." Silas tells her, "picture this. A soul that dies but can't live her body, neither Peace, nor Other Side, nothing. Just trapped in a corpse that has become a prison."

"That sounds… awful."

"Neat punishment, isn't it? Oh, I would have loved to be the one who invented it to make Qetsiyah suffer." Silas smirks. "Anyway, one Caroline Forbes managed to get the kind of enemy who would do just that. Lucky for her, there must have been another witch interested and talented enough to find a way around the curse. If the soul cannot abandon the body, just make it go back to a time when such a curse did not exist."

Caroline turns back and her eyes wander to the path they've been walking. Is it really that simple? (Well, it doesn't sound simple at all, but it's just… that's not something that happened to her, it doesn't feel real). And she does not trust Silas.

"What, you're not ready to find peace yet? Ironic, considering it's the purpose of this second chance at life."

"How can you know all that?"

"You cannot access all your memories. But I did. Now, keep moving, we have a witchy friend of yours to find."

Stefan and Damon are willing to commit mass murder to bring everyone back. Her mom is putting herself at risk of reuniting all the travelers in a single place. Why does she have to be so brave all the time?

When she thinks about it, it's impossible for her to find peace, not when she knows she's leaving behind her loved ones, and they are not willing to let go yet. She's not willing to let go either.

Silas teaches Bonnie the spell, and Caroline frowns as she hears them chanting.

"Esvet, not -vat. I feel like I'm teaching calculus to an infant."

"I'm sorry. I'm nervous about unleashing a plague onto humanity."

He and Bonnie keep quarreling for a while, and she lets them.

"What's in it for you? Helping us?"

"I'm feeling generous since I just saw my ex-fiance being swallowed into nothingness, and I'm going to find Peace thanks to you."

Caroline frowns and looks at him with suspicion.

"You? Enzo has killed considerably less people and it's at least a bit understandable after being tortured for years. If he can't find peace, then there's no way you can."

"Thanks, but I want to be very much alive." Enzo says.

"Don't tell me. My shadow self found himself a rival, finally! I know, he's so good-looking, but seeing you pining for him basically for two lifetimes kind of makes me feel pity for you."

Bonnie looks absolutely tired of this. "Just teach me the damn spell"

Tired of this, Caroline goes to check on Stefan.

They are standing outside of the town's limits when Damon breaks Stefan's neck.

"Why did you do that?" Elena asks.

"My brother cares so much for blondie that he is willing to die to bring her back. When did it happen? I don't know. Maybe when I was busy falling in love with his girlfriend…" Elena winces. "He sacrificed himself for me before, and how did I repay him? This is my chance to do things right."

"No, Damon! You can't go on a suicide mission."

Caroline can't believe they're so stupid. Okay, so Damon feels he should do something to save his friends (apparently she's included in this list) from the Other Side. Why does Elena have to go and die with him? Totally unnecessary. Haven't they guessed that if the Other Side is about to collapse, Bonnie is suffering because of it too?

She looks at Stefan, who's lying on the ground and will wake up only to realize his brother has killed himself… it's going to be hard on him. However, she feels incredibly relieved that he is alive. If for some reason their plan doesn't work, he'll live.

"He's going to be okay, but you should hurry up, there's not much time left now."

Caroline turns, surprised, to see the person who is speaking to her.

"Lexi?"

"The one and only."

As much as she likes to think about herself as his best friend, she knows how important Lexi has been in Stefan's life. It's thanks to her that he did not lose himself as a ripper and kept the best parts of him. Caroline remembers the day the dead could be in the same plane of existence as them, Stefan's eyes lit up the moment he saw his friend.

"Oh my god, Stefan is going to be so happy when he sees you. You're right, we have to go back to Bonnie."

"I think we both know that the line of people going back through Bonnie is long enough."

Enzo, Luke, Tyler, Damon, Elena, Alaric if they manage to find him…

"What kind of best friend would I be if I took the place that could mean the difference for you or his brother?"

"No…"

"He needs you more than he needs me now, and I think I can finally go in peace knowing that."

A white light embraces Lexi, and a smile appears on her face. "Please take care of him."

When Caroline makes it back to Bonnie, they have already started passing through her. In fact, there's only Elena standing next to their friend.

"Caroline! You scared us, we thought you were dead."

"I'm sorry, I… Elena, you should go first."

"No, I'm waiting for Damon."

"We don't have time for this," Bonnie says and grabs Elena's hand. "Now, it's your turn."

"I cannot believe I'm saying this… but I cannot go without Damon, either."

Then someone pushes her in Bonnie's direction. "As the baby witch said, we don't have time for this sentimentality."

Gone to find peace? She knew they could not have trusted him, that manipulative bastard.

But it's too late, she falls on the ground with a thud, and he's forced his way through Bonnie, too.

"What did you do?!"

"Can't find peace right now, but if I'm alive, there's always time to find a way, right? See you around."

"Silas" Elena hisses, but then he must have pulled one of his tricks "Where did he go?"

"Caroline."

When she looks up, it's the same green eyes, but completely different in the way he's looking at her. This is the man she loves.

"Damon is not there yet."

He wraps his arms around her, holding her tightly, so much that she can barely breathe.

Echoing the words she said earlier to him, he whispers. "Don't do that to me ever again, please."