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I wasn't ready then
I'm ready now
I'm heading straight for you
You will only be eternally
The one that I belong to
Adele, "Sweetest Devotion"
39. FEELS LIKE HOME
"Is that blood or pie on your shirt?" She asks, horrified, when Enzo comes back to their table at the restaurant. "Please say it's pie."
"Don't act all shocked, darling."
Stefan, who's by her side, sighs loudly (something he's been doing a lot all day every time Enzo opens his mouth).
"He did not kill anyone. You remember, right, Enzo? No killing innocent humans is one of the rules for our cooperation."
"You know your threats mean nothing to me, don't you? Anyway, this cooperation isn't working well, I'm the one doing all the hard work and yet there are no results."
The leaders of the Gemini did live in Portland once, but they moved out in 1994 and no witch in the city (or in all Oregon) has heard about them, or other members of the coven, ever since. That's according to the witches they met, and they had to go to some harsh methods to get that information out of them.
"Alaric is also doing his research, there's much to cover." Stefan reasons with him. "And this is only one witch coven, not the only one in the world."
Caroline doesn't think they are going to venture on a two-men search through the world anytime soon. It would be a disaster. She barely managed to endure the car ride with Enzo trying to find some common ground in music (the guy needs an urgent update in that front) but Stefan… well, he did his best too, clenching his jaw every single time Enzo started to be a jerk.
"Then start looking for those covens. Do I need to remind you, my best friend, your brother, is the one we need to bring back?"
"Damon is Stefan's brother, of course we want to bring him back as much as you do." Caroline reminds him, upset and very much aware that his words will only make Stefan feel more burdened, "and it's not only Damon we have to bring back, but Bonnie too. Remember? You're only alive thanks to her."
"Yes, the little witch, I know." Enzo frowns. "This is useless. Call me when you have some real clues, lovebirds."
Enzo isn't the most terrible guy she knows, he has his qualities too. But when he finally leaves, the relief she feels is instant.
Caroline peeks at him from the side, and wonders for the fifth time in the past hour (ever since Enzo parted ways with them to go God-knows-where) if the moment they start the long drive back home is the moment she's going to run out of reasons to avoid the conversation.
She needs to ask him just as much as she fears the answers. It's not easy to open up about your feelings and throw yourself into the unknown when you've spent four years loving one person.
Their trip to Portland was a dead end, with no signs of the Gemini witches. And yet… it still bothers her the same way it did when she first heard Enzo mention them.
Gemini. The twins… it's related to the twins in her dreams.
Her dreams can truly be the key to bringing Bonnie back.
Maybe Stefan does not want them to find Silas, but there is another person who has a connection to that egotistical jerk, and who might be able to help her… and is she really thinking that using Tom is a good idea?
She shakes her head, disgusted with herself.
They don't even know if there are other witches besides the travelers who can do that kind of spell that links their minds.
It also hurt Stefan to the point she could hardly witness it happen.
Forget about it.
She hops into the car.
"But there are many other covens in New Orleans. We should still go there."
"I'll do that." Stefan says, "weren't you planning on decorating your mom's room for the next time she stays over?"
Caroline stares at him blankly.
"I know for a fact that's more important for me than it is for you, but I still have my priorities straight."
He sighs. "Ok, right. There are many covens in New Orleans, but their regent isn't very keen on helping vampires."
"Witches not wanting to help… that's new to us, how exactly?"
"The situation over there is complicated."
She thinks he keeps in touch with Klaus a lot more than he lets on. Speaking of, shouldn't Klaus be discovering the joys of life now that he's the father of a baby girl?
"Fine." She turns her head to look outside the car's window.
"Caroline," he places his free hand on top of hers. "I know you're still thinking about it. But we'll find another way, one where you don't have to put yourself at risk."
Her expression softens when she sees the affection in his eyes.
"But that's what we always do, for the people we care about. Do you remember... when you were trying to get the antidote to the virus for Elena, you let the travelers fry your brain even if it was completely unnecessary. You could have given in Tom from the get-go, but you did it because that's what you do. You help your friends, even if it isn't the easiest route. I'm willing to do the same, too."
Silence fills the space between them, he does not respond for a while.
"Ok. I'm sorry I'm being…" he sighs, "I worry about you. But let's do this, new rule: whatever we do to bring Damon and Bonnie back, we do it together."
She smiles and intertwines her fingers with his. "Deal."
What is she so afraid of?
He definitely said that it's more than friendship for him, and they definitely slept together, and it was good.
But maybe it shouldn't have happened so fast, maybe he'll regret this later and realize it was just a dumb mistake, that it won't ever be the kind of epic love he and Elena had, that they should go back to the way things have always been between the two of them.
Somehow they manage to spend another whole day without having THE talk. Caroline thinks it should be counted as a talent on its own, given that they spent all that time in the car and in the plane together.
Then she decides to go and visit Elena, but she's shocked when she sees Jeremy on the campus, sucking face with some girl Caroline thinks lives in the same building as them…
What the hell is he doing? His girlfriend just died!
"I know, but… it's not easy for him either," Elena says, "just cut him some slack."
The only reason she says this is because he's her brother, of course.
"I told you. We'll get them back."
Elena sighs. "You say that, but there isn't any real sign that might happen, is it? That's why you and Stefan came back from Portland with empty hands. Bonnie is not with us yet."
Caroline bites her tongue, trying not to answer back. At least they are trying to do something.
"Is Bonnie the only person you want to see again?"
Elena looks blankly at the door.
"I've gotta go. I'm starving."
"You ran out of blood agai-" before she finishes, her friend is gone. It's worrisome that Elena is finishing her stash of blood bags way too fast these days.
What else can she do but go back home? To Stefan, and the inevitable question. What are they now?
But then she turns the radio on and recognizes a song she and Bonnie used to love, back when they lived in simpler times, when Elena had not lost her parents, and Bonnie did not have to take on the role of the more mature and reliable friend. She plays again and again and again, right up to the moment she parks in the garage of the house. They were so young then, Caroline didn't know how to deal with the way her friends changed, all that grief. She just wanted things to be normal again, not knowing normal had never existed in Mystic Falls.
Not knowing that the person who'd change their lives was about to walk into the corridor of the school, they sang about love they had not even experienced yet. And maybe it's true, everyone grieves in different ways, but Caroline cannot accept the way Jeremy is behaving. Bonnie deserves so much more than that.
"Everything okay?" Stefan asks when he arrives home not long after.
She shakes her head.
"Jeremy seems to have zero hopes that Bonnie can make it back. Same as Elena, by the way. I think she's becoming a blood addict. Anyway, I just decided I'm no longer going to care about what the Gilberts do."
He raises an eyebrow and crosses his arms, leaning against the door frame."I'm going to pretend I believe that."
"So, how was the search for the infamous convertible?"
"I think I might need to rebuild it myself. The good thing is that I have all the time in the world to do it."
"Uhm…" She looks at him, but the sense of awkwardness comes back now that she's done with her rant. "I'll just… go inside."
But he's standing on the door frame, blocking her way in.
"Is it my imagination, or you are trying not to talk to me since we left Portland?"
Eyes fixed on him, she feels small and cornered in his presence.
"Maybe?" She sighs and grips the hems of her shirt. "Do you have something to say? About what happened the other day? Because this is getting weird."
"I want to be with you." There isn't even a shadow of hesitation when Stefan makes his declaration. He steps closer but his eyes never leave her. "But if that means staying as friends, and you don't feel the same way about me, then I understand."
"I think we both know how I feel about you." She mumbles, tilting her head as their faces move just inches apart. "So I think we should…
"Just be together," He completes her sentence in a raspy voice, his hands firmly set on her hips, and she wraps her arms behind his neck.
Caroline doesn't know how she managed to live so long without this. Being desired by him, being touched by him. Maybe it says something awful about her: her best friend is gone, she cannot go back to her hometown, all her other friends are drifting apart, but she has Stefan and she's happy. She prays that this little happiness lasts forever.