For those who are worried about Elena, she's not the villain of this story (but I agree that she could have been, as Tonia pointed out, you don't try to kill one of your friends only because you see her dancing with your ex. I think that's already in the past by this point of the story, though).

There is a more interesting antagonist (my humble opinion) for what's coming. Can you guess who is it?

Falling down so heavy

This heart lay down on the ground

Faint glimmer once steady

Where are you now?

Someone tell me how to feel

Someone tell what is real

Someone tell me how to feel

Maggie Eckford, "Tell me how to feel"

41. HOLDING ONTO WHAT'S REAL

Caroline is used to sharing, even as an only child she had to learn pretty early in her life, when Bonnie and her started kinder. Before then, it was only the two of them, but suddenly Bonnie had a new best friend, and it was very clear that she liked to play with Elena better.

At the beginning, Caroline didn't understand, and she would throw tantrums more often than not (once she even stuck gum to Elena's ponytail, and when Mrs. Gilbert told her mom, Caroline wasn't allowed to play with the girls for a week). She only learned to behave because she did not want to be left behind. What if Bonnie had to choose and chose Elena over her?

Later, as they grew up, she learned that this was just the natural course of life. People liked her, for a short time, until she became too much to handle. Too bossy, too noisy, too much of a control-freak. So she tried harder to be the kind of person others would necessarily look at, no one would ignore the cheerleading captain, the class president, the girl who would give them the best parties at school, right?

And since she couldn't win against Elena, Caroline avoided the competition, at least at first. Sometimes she couldn't help herself.

Most of the time, she knew it was better to share the spotlight (even if it wasn't in her nature to do so) because what was the alternative? The odds were never in her favor.

But that was then and this is now.

Maybe it's because she already came back home feeling upset. Telling Abby about Bonnie's death ended up falling upon her shoulders, and how could someone be that kind of terrible mother that goes for more than a month without even trying to find out if her daughter is doing well or not?

So maybe she resents that Elena did not go with her, even though she asked her to. "I can't bear to think about it again." Those were the exact words.

She doesn't like that Elena is so comfortable sitting in the living room and watching a movie with Stefan when she comes back, even if she was the one who said it was better to have someone keeping an eye on her, in case she started to overdo it with the blood bags again.

It makes her feel like she's seventeen all over again (although, technically, she still is, right?).

This is when it happens for the first time.

Suddenly she's not in the kitchen anymore, but in a hospital room. Elena's there, unconscious, and she's standing by her bed. Stefan is there, too, his shirt covered in blood.

"This whole thing with Elena... If they can't break the spell, are you gonna be okay?"

"Are you?"

"Of course not. But when she wakes up, she'll still be my best friend... after Bonnie's lived a long and happy life. But you? You were soulmates, and I want to make sure that you're okay."

Caroline is spinning, and then she's in the kitchen again.

What was that?

Has she just fantasized about Elena dying? No, she might be jealous but she's not that awful...

It felt like the memories in her dreams… only she's awake now. Caroline gets so distracted that she almost chops her thumb while cutting onions for the salad.

She bites her tongue. Good thing that she heals fast.

But Stefan is already by her side.

"What's wrong?"

Part of her realizes that he's still been paying attention to her, and her heart is touched, but also overloaded with anguish.

"I don't know". That's partially true. She isn't sure what just happened to her. "Maybe I need to rest. I'll go upstairs."

He doesn't look convinced at all.

"I'm fine, Stefan." She smiles to reassure him. "I'm just tired."

Thankfully, Elena offers her an out when she also comes to check on her. "Did you feed today?"

There's no reason for her to be dizzy if she's feeding regularly, and she is. But they can't know this because she's been away all day. "Oh, that… maybe I forgot with this visit to Abby, too many emotions."

Elena shakes her head. "Seriously, Caroline. Home-cooked meals are nice and all, but you can't forget that human food isn't really our thing."

Stefan is already handing her a bag.

"You have to take care of yourself, too."

She only nods and accepts the reprimands. It's still better than being considered crazy.

There are no more incidents like the one of that evening in the kitchen, so she pretends it never happened and recovers her optimistic attitude in the blink of an eye.

Regardless of their agreement to keep their relationship a secret, and knowing that there are vampire ears in the house, Stefan still comes to sleep with her at night. Caroline doesn't complain, she's gotten used to his body pressed to hers and, being a creature of habits, it would be difficult to sleep without him now.

Trying to find random places to make out is actually fun at first. Maybe it's because being on dates doesn't feel so different from how they always used to hang out, so sex is the real novelty. She suspects it's not something she's ever going to get tired of, though.

On Saturday her mom also comes for dinner, and she tells them that the Grill's rebuilding it's almost done, the place is going to open soon. There have not been major incidents either, and the rumors that circulated around town following the explosion are dying down.

It actually feels like they are just normal people living normal lives, and Caroline enjoys it more than she should (these things are not meant to last, not in their world, but it's easy to pretend now).

Stefan works on Damon's car during the week, but they plan to go to New Orleans in a few days, and she knows there's another possibility she still needs to explore.

"Elena, you used to be on good terms with Luke Parker… Do you know where he and his sister went?"

Elena frowns.

"Why are you looking for them?"

"I just… we want to know more about his coven. I think they might be able to help us find Bonnie and Damon-"

"I've asked Luke many times, but there's no way. He's a good person, why would he lie about it?"

"Yeah, because it's not like he hasn't lied to us before." Caroline sighs and looks at her, "I need you to be on my side on this. I need you to be my friend."

"I don't know where Luke is," Elena tosses on her bed and turns on her side. "They just left, it's summer break after all. They will probably come back when the next semester starts."

"When the next semester starts… we should have Bonnie back by then. We'll have an only-girls night and I promise I won't trash Damon anymore..." She pauses when her friend gives her the look. "I'll try, at the very least. It all depends on how he behaves, really."

Even if she tries hard, there's only a certain point you can forgive your abuser, but she's trying, damn it. Stefan did forgive Katherine, so maybe one day a century later, she will be able to do the same.

"Do you really think we can bring them back?"

"I'm positive. You just have to hold onto hope a bit longer. Maybe you should come with us to New Orleans."

"And be a third wheel? No, I'll pass."

"What do you mean?"

"Caroline, please. It's obvious that you and Stefan are together now. You're practically glued to each other all day, and you mysteriously disappear at the same time."

"That's not…"

"Plus I came back earlier yesterday. I heard you."

"I'm sorry. He wanted us to tell you, but I know it isn't the best moment, with all that's going on. And you two were in love… it's awkward."

"To be honest it's not that much of a surprise. You have been closer with him than with Bonnie or me for ages now, and when you… and when you died" Elena winces, recalling events she probably would prefer to ignore,"even Damon was shocked by how much it affected Stefan."

Caroline bites her lips.

"So you're not angry or something?"

Elena shakes her head. "I'm glad for you both. It's good that at least someone gets to be happy these days."

The enormous guilt she's been carrying with her lessens after hearing this reassurance.

"But I should probably get a place for myself."

"That's nice, isn't it?"

He has that big 'told-you-so' look on his face when she tells him about her exchange with Elena over dinner.

"Is that all you have to say?" She asks, feeling a bit annoyed this only feels like a milestone for her.

But maybe it's because some part of her was waiting for a huge fall-out the minute her relationship with Stefan wasn't limited to a secret, sheltered from their friends' eyes. Because he and Elena were soulmates, wasn't that just common knowledge? Part of her was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, and when it didn't… is she really allowed to have all of him now?

"I already said it. I think it's great. Not that I don't worry about Elena's wellbeing, she's my friend too, but I might or might not be calling a real state agent to help her move out."

She kicks him under the table.

"Hey, don't be mean."

Caroline intended to chastise him but her tone betrays her. She blames the hungry look in his eyes. Suddenly this whole dinner seems unnecessary, and she kind of wants to be anywhere else except a restaurant full of people.

"Did you know that the view from the terrace of this building is the best in the city?" He tells her, a smile appearing on his face. "I used to come here often. Pity that the current owner has it closed to the public."

She grins. "I'm sure we can find a way around it."