Reviews?
'Cause love is a cage
These words on a page
Carry the pain
They don't free it
In another life I wouldn't need to
Console myself as I resign to release you
Sara Bareilles, "1000 times"
49. SAD, BEAUTIFUL, TRAGIC
"Can I sleep with you tonight?"
Like a scared child, she cannot sleep alone in her own bedroom, despite the fact that he's been gone before, and that everyone tells her he'll come back, why does it feel like he won't?
She can't bear the loneliness.
"Oh, honey. Of course, come here." Her mom pats the side of the bed, making space for her.
"It's going to be okay. I'm sure Stefan made that choice because he has a plan."
Why didn't he share it with her then?
"Why didn't he share it with me then? Why would he think it was okay to sacrifice himself like this?"
"You would have done the same in his position if I was in Damon's place. And Stefan knows how much you care about Bonnie, it's in his nature that he wants to make sure your friend will come back too."
This is all true, and Caroline knows it. It's just her heart that can't accept it.
With the exception of the first night, the house is more crowded than ever (she thinks even Enzo is stationed in her living room after learning the news that his friend is back). And yet, Caroline feels it's empty without the person she loves.
"Kai sucked most of the magic out of Bonnie and took her, we were going after him but the next thing I know, Stefan broke my neck and I woke up with this thing in my hands."
Caroline stares at the ascendant that Damon handed to her.
After Silas spell stopped working, and Damon was the only one to come back from the prison world, she enters a state of numbness that no amount of reassurance from Damon, her mom, Elena, or even Tom can dispel.
They just need to find the best way to communicate with Stefan and Bonnie, that's what Silas says. He still has enough of Stefan and Tom's blood to use it with a second try. The fact that he was prepared for this makes her grateful and suspicious at the same time. Did he always know this would happen?
But it doesn't take a genius to know that Stefan is the one to take the self-sacrificing choice. This is what he did when he followed Klaus and became a ripper again in exchange for the cure for Damon.
She doesn't attend classes for a couple of days, ignoring Elena's calls. It's easy for someone to try and be nice when the supposed love of her life is back and everything in her life is looking bright, but Caroline can't forget that the evening after meeting Tom, Elena had suggested in not many words that she was collecting Silas' doppelgängers now.
Her cravings for blood become worse (she hides to drink in the garage, sitting on the co-pilot seat of Stefan's car). People would worry if they knew how the Queen of Self-restrain Caroline Forbes is finally losing it.
At moments like this Silas appears like the devil on her shoulder, and he's the one who voices what Caroline doesn't dare to think about.
"It's always the same, isn't it? He'd make you a widow on your wedding day if it means he can play hero. Pretty stupid if you ask me."
"No one asked you," she frowns. "Why are you here pestering me, Silas? I don't want to talk about past lives if you're still not willing to give me all of my memories back."
Just like all the times before, he leaves when she asks him too, but his words stay hovering like dark clouds around her head.
In the end, it's Tom who drags her back to school.
"I noticed the empty bags in the garage. And that's just one week, Caroline. You can't keep going on like this."
The irony that she judged Elena for doing exactly the same does not escape to her.
"I need it."
"No, you don't. I asked around to your vampire gang."
She should be pissed off that he's told who? Damon? But she's just sad that he's doing this when he should be getting the hell out of McKinley.
"I'm hungry all the time."
"Really? Are you thinking about feeding on people?"
Caroline bites her tongue.
"If it gets that bad, just come to me first."
Her jaw drops.
"Have you seriously gotten used to being a blood bag? Did Rebekah do that to you?"
The uncomfortable way he shrinks on the driver's seat, clearing his throat, is enough for an answer.
"It doesn't matter, I don't need to know all the kinky details. But I don't feed on people, and if I ever did, believe you would be the last person I would do to."
"What, why?"
He looks almost offended by her declaration, and she swears this is the most strange conversation she's ever had.
"Because you are my friend, and you look the way you do, that would feel… a lot like cheating. I can't really explain…" She sighs, ""I'm sorry. You were supposed to be having a normal life, and now you are dealing with a vampire on the verge of going crazy."
"Hey, I would be dead if I hadn't met you, so I'm not complaining." He smiles at her.
Caroline's heart throbs at the sight of that smile, that's just the same as Stefan's.
"I'm not really planning to stay forever, you know. But I won't abandon a friend in her time of need, and not when you have a stalker in the form of my ancestor."
She raises her eyebrows.
"What do you mean?"
"I told Stefan this, and I'm telling you too. Be careful with that guy."
"I know that."
He sighs.
"Do you? Everytime he comes, you go and lock yourself in your room for the rest of the day. I don't know what it is that he's told you, but it's clear that he's messing with your head."
How did he ever notice Silas sudden visits?
"We're here." She gets out of the car and gives him her best smile. "Okay, I promise I will try today. Happy?"
Leaving a message for Bonnie and Stefan seems impossible when the most likely location is Mystic Falls, and they cannot even get there (Silas magic won't work inside the town). So days keep passing by.
Where are they now?
Maybe this is how the universe reminds her that some things can't change, no matter how much one tries. Caroline thinks of this as she gets the news that the vampire hunters from Mystic Falls (led by Matt's friend, Tripp Fell) kidnapped Elena and almost made her cross the anti-magic barrier. Apparently this had been in the works for quite a long time, because some of his people saw Elena back when she was carelessly feeding on humans.
It all turns out well as they manage to rescue her on time, but Alaric still crosses the limits and is saved by Jo, who Caroline just learns is also Elena's professor. He's human now and his love story is still heading to a good start.
The problem is that, if all those hunters know about Elena, they know about Stefan and her too. One just have to put one plus one together and it becomes obvious that none of them have been in town since the travelers did the spell.
That's why Matt comes with the idea of making Tom pass as Stefan.
The neighbors already think that he's Stefan anyway. It will surely confuse the hunters if someone who looks just like him gets to town without dying.
It's just a shame that Tom gets to know the town he's been hearing about for years but she isn't there to be the tour guide.
"Here you are," Liv Parker appears to cut her way when she's heading to her Theatre History class. "You are the one who stole the ascendant from our sister, right?"
Luke is behind her.
Being outnumbered and having witches as her adversaries, the best Caroline can't do is to play dumb. "I have no idea what you're talking about. Ascendant? What's that?"
Suddenly she falls on her knees, her head hurts and feels like it'll explode.
"We know you and your boyfriend have been looking into our family's business."
"Where is it? Give it back now and we'll let you live."
"Two against one. That's not fair. Or fun."
Caroline's vision is blurry, but she can still recognize Silas' voice. Then, a second later, Liv moans in pain, and Luke follows her right after, while she stops hurting.
He's stabbed them with some flying knives. So much for someone who claims he wants to find Peace. But Caroline is too grateful to make a comment about it, and she takes the hand he's offering her to stand up.
"My timing is impeccable, don't you think?"
"Show off. They are not going to die, right?"
Silas shrugs. "Not if they go to a hospital. Which is not our problem, because we have to get out of here now."
He casts a spell on her house so that unwanted people can't get in (he's the one exception, of course), and that's how they end up sitting in her living room, and she's even nice enough to invite him her cupcakes.
It's not like she doesn't understand how empty his life is. And they are not friends, but they are kind of confidants. Weird, she knows.
Tom told her to be careful, and she is, but there are things that she still feels she couldn't tell others.
"I had a dream last night. Stefan was human and dying. I feel he's going to be close to dying too many times in the future." She whispers, fidgeting with the mug of coffee in her hands. "You made fun of it, but I know how much he suffers from being a vampire, even now. So shouldn't I be understanding if he doesn't want it to last forever? That's the mercy you showed Amara."
Silas raises an eyebrow.
"If you really believed your words, why are all your dreams about the worst moments?"
He plays with the ascendant in his hands.
"Pain lasts longer than happiness. Why don't you consider that past life a free-trial? You know what it will be like to stay with my shadow-self, and you can choose to quit sooner. Cut your losses."
"Contrary to you, I don't remember it all."
She sighs.
"And if you had another chance, to do it all over again with the person you love, wouldn't you take it?"
He rolls his eyes. "You say that now, Caroline. I'll ask you in a couple of months. One day you won't be able to take it anymore."