New chapter you all! Special thanks to Lisa and Tonia for encouraging me to keep writing with their reviews!

Just 'cause I predicted this

Doesn't make it any easier to live with

And what's the point of knowing' it

If you can't change it? You can't change, can't change it.

To be human is to love

Even when it gets too much

I'm not ready to give up

Sia, "To be human"

51. TO BE HUMAN

For the first time since the semester started, Caroline is actually looking forward to going to classes. It's only taken a bit of compelling here and there with Elena's help, and Bonnie is back at the dorm and being an ordinary student.

It's not like they haven't done this before.

Now they sit under a tree, catching up with Bonnie's first days in the world of the living, this time for good.

"I don't know what it is. It broke my heart when he died, so much that I exchanged my life for him, and I broke his heart when the Other Side fell apart. I missed him all these months but… it just feels we're different people now."

Bonnie and Jeremy made a cute couple, but there are events in life that change you. Dying and coming back to life (repeatedly) can count as one of those things.

"Just because you love someone, it doesn't mean you are in love with them." Caroline reasons, "it's fine if you need some time to herself after everything you two have gone through. No one can blame you for that."

Bonnie sighs.

"Enough about my romantic life. Let's talk about you. Have you decided yet?"

Caroline closes her eyes.

The cure.

It turned out that the only reason it took so many days for Stefan and Bonnie to come back was only the fact that they went all the way to Nova Scotia first to get the alternate version of the elixir. Everything in the prison world was a replica of theirs, after all, and even if it was 1994, Silas and the cure had been trapped there for ages.

And it says a lot about Bonnie's hatred and contempt towards the ancient witch that learning he was around them was enough for her to agree cooperating with Kai, someone she also definitely hates.

So now the cure it's in her hands, and it's so surreal, because this obviously should be for Stefan, or even for Damon and Elena (didn't they take it in that other life?). But not for her.

"I just don't think I really want to be human."

There have been times when she's thought that she would be okay either way, being human or vampire. And there were times when she dreamed of being human because she thought that was what it would take to be the twins' mom. But Jossie and Lizzie will never be hers if things go well for Jo and Alaric, and Caroline isn't that selfish to wish for any tragedy falling upon them.

As a vampire, she cannot help her mom who's going to die anyway. But now she knows all the secret dangers of the world, what could she do to protect herself as a human? How does Matt do it anyway?

"Is it really about not wanting to be human?" Bonnie asks again.

Is she being honest with herself?

There's a reason why Stefan, who's carried the guilt about forcing his brother to turn or who used to be obsessed with helping Elena get the cure, gave it to her instead.

Everything heightens as a vampire. She only started to get the dreams, the memories, once she turned. Becoming human might stop them, or at the very least she won't feel them with this intensity that makes her space out at times or leaves her feeling miserable.

Stefan said it himself. Now Bonnie is okay, all of their friends and family are okay, is there really a reason for her to get all those memories at all?

It turns out the cure might be the solution they've been looking for.

And yet…

"I feel it would be a betrayal." She whispers.

"To whom?"

"I did say 'forever'."

"Caroline?"

She stands up. "I have a meeting with the broadcasting club soon. Let's talk some other time, okay?"

She's barely turning on the corner of their block, when she sees Stefan and Damon getting out of the car in front of the house.

"Oh my god, what happened to you?"

It's clear someone vervained them.

"Let's just say that Ric found out about you and Stef stealing the ascendant, and that her girl's sociopath brother is out there to kill her."

"Kai did something to Jo?"

"No, but their father did. He tried to kill Jo."

That's just… What a messed up family.

"Why would he do that?"

"Kai attacked Liv and stole her magic." Stefan says. "It seems he still wants to merge with Jo, but he needs a celestial event to follow up with that plan."

If they need to lure Kai, Jo's the most obvious bait, but Caroline sees where the problem lies when, even if she no longer has her magic, there are two younger siblings who are quite good at it and probably an entire coven willing to sacrifice their own people before doing the most logical thing: eliminating the crazy one.

How did they do it last time?

Silas would know better, but he is not collaborating much since he wasn't invited to her birthday party. How childish.

This is when Tom chooses to call her. He's still in Mystic Falls, sporadically pretending to be a Salvatore and befriending the vampire-hunters team, while keeping them informed of the times they venture outside of town.

"Hi!"

"Hey, is Stefan with you? Because he wasn't picking up my calls."

"Yeah, he's here." She glances at Stefan, who raises his eyebrows. "They had… nevermind. Did something happen?"

"There's this girl who's been hanging out with Matt and Jeremy, and today dropped the bomb that she's actually the long-lost daughter of some relative of Stefan."

It can't be. Now even Damon is looking at her. What if it really is Sarah? He can't know about her.

"What's her name?"

"Sarah Salvatore."

No Nelson? When Stefan told her the story, it sounded like the girl was pretty happy with her family, so why would she come to look for some distant relatives?

Cousins. She would think Stefan is her cousin.

"Its obviously a scam." She hands the phone to Stefan. "Is she with you right now?"

"Sitting very comfortably in your living room."

"Bring her here, and we'll deal with it."

The thing is that once the question has been brought up like this, Damon won't let it go just like that.

"I want to meet this supposed niece. Where did she ever come from?"

Later the girl turns out to be just a con artist, but the damage is already done.

She hands Stefan a blood bag, so he can heal faster after Damon has pierced his stomach with a stake. Just the regular stuff that happens between the Salvatore brothers (in fact, this is so normal that he mom didn't even bat an eye when they came into him soaked in blood).

"If you keep going out like that, Tom's cover in town won't last long." That's all Liz Forbes points out.

"I can't understand why it always has to come to this." Caroline sighs. "See? This is exactly the reason why it's not a good idea for me to have the cure. What if he gets mad for some reason again and snaps my neck?"

Stefan can't even argue that, even if Damon isn't the same person who killed Sarah's mom (or Zachary Salvatore, or Lexi, or Jeremy, or her dad…) Because once you are no longer human, life doesn't hold the same meaning, even if you try. It only takes a moment of danger, or facing the prospect where killing is the most viable solution to your problems.

It's the same for Stefan, and it's the same for her too. Didn't she kill those witches for Bonnie? And didn't she help killing those other witches for Hope? It feels like it's been a lifetime since she killed Carter and took a human life for the first time, but what if she remembers the name of that young man? It doesn't bring him back, or erase the hurt she most likely caused to his family as well.

There are no guarantees things like that won't happen in the future, no matter how much she tries (and damn, she tries every single day)

Caroline accepts that. They are vampires.

"But if you knew all of us could be safe, you still would not want it, would you?"

She bites her lips.

"I don't know, Stefan."

He caresses the back of her hand gently, and she would understand if he was mad at her, but his green eyes are full of understanding.

"Why didn't you take it?" He's always struggling, even if he's so good at holding back that most times people might forget just how badly he wants to feed on humans to the point of no return. "I thought you would want it for yourself."

She at least knows he considered it once, back when they were looking for the cure.

"I don't know." He places his other hand on her cheek, and she revels in this little warmth. "Maybe my priorities have changed too."

Above all, the truth of these shreds of humanity they keep with them (these feelings, these emotions) is that just like any other human being, they want to hold on to the people who make them happy. If possible, for an eternity.

Once upon a time there was a very talented witch that threw away a comfortable existence (his riches, success, a match well made) for the promise of eternal life with the woman he loved. It's a cautionary tale, Caroline knows, because didn't everything go downhill for that man from that moment on?

That's why Silas believes she'll regret it one day. She understands him better now.

And yet…

"Caroline, it's not only about being human or vulnerable. It's about what might happen if you don't take it."

"I'm still thinking carefully about it." She gives him a peck on the lips. "But I promise I'll be okay, Stefan, even without the cure."

She hugs him tightly, resting her head on his shoulder. It's just a second after that she's no longer in her living room.

"I'm doing this for you." He says, guilty eyes looking at her from the hospital bed.

"Don't you dare say this is about me!"

"Be honest. What future can we have?"

"I don't know. I never knew." She sighs "And that used to feel exciting…" But now, after everything they've gone through, she's a vampire and he's human, and this is enough reason for him to throw their love away? "Now it just feels misguided."

No, that's not true.

She's here, with Stefan, and their future won't look like that.

It won't.