Rhi: Caroline's little big issue with her memories will get to a turning point soon enough, in fact, you'll see there's a small time jump in this chapter (I'm sorry it's taking so long, I never thought this story would keep stretching like this).

You're the light inside my eyes
You give me a reason to keep trying
You give me more than I could dream
And you bring me to my knees
You bring me to my knees

Your heart is gold and how am I the one
That you've chosen to love
I still can't believe that you're right next to me
After all that I've done

Plumb, "Don't deserve you"

53. CHRISTMAS THROUGH YOUR EYES

"So, are you and blondie a thing now?" It's one of the first things Damon asks when he finds him and Bonnie in the prison world, and tells them how he got there. "Glad to know that for once, you did not waste your chances, brother."

He's glad he didn't, because what would have been of him without Caroline these months?

"That's a surprise." Bonnie says. "I thought it would take longer."

"See? Damon turns to their friend. "Pay up."

"What?" Stefan can't believe this, "did you guys bet about me and Caroline?"

"One has to find ways to pass time when you're the only two people in the world for three months, Stefan."

"If we didn't talk about you, or Caroline, or Elena, we would have killed each other long ago."

Ok, so Bonnie and Damon are best friends now. He didn't see that coming.

"You were the only two people for three months. Does that mean you've met Kai already?"

"Ugh, I don't even want to hear that name."

"Speaking of him, we should be running. Now."

Bonnie tells him that he should have left with Damon, but the idea is unfathomable to Stefan. And leave her behind with a guy who has no qualms in hurting people just because he can?

"You know that Caroline would kill me if I did that."

"She'd kill you for not going back to her when you could."

"We are going back home, Bonnie." God, he needs blood, and the thirst is the only sign in that dark room about the time that has passed since they have been thrown into this place. He hopes Bonnie gains back some of her magic soon enough… "And you know that we'll have to take him out with us, or we will be playing this game forever."

"Are you crazy? You see what kind of person he is."

"I know. But we can deal with that, like we've dealt with others before." He sighs. "Silas has this weird… interest in Caroline's memories. And you know as well as I do that she would take anyone's help when it comes to that. Do you really think it's safe to give him the opportunity to mess with her?"

Bonnie takes her time to think over his words, her eyes going back to him from time to time, as if studying him. Stefan knows he's taking advantage of Bonnie's obvious hatred of Silas, but if that's what he needs to use to convince her, then so be it.

"Tell me, what is it that you have in mind?"

However, for all he considers Silas to be the most dangerous enemy, he's the one who kills Kai in the end. He says he's doing it for Caroline, because half of her misery in the future comes from the actions of this guy that he helped escape from prison.

So maybe it's time to face the possibility that there's no evil plot, not directed at her at least, and the reason he refuses to consider this is just pure and selfish jealousy (that adding to all his flaws and aspects in which he's lacking, his girlfriend can always have the mirror of other men who are similar enough and different enough to make comparisons). The irony of this is that he used to do the same with Katherine and Elena.

Of course it's unfair to Caroline that he bases all his fears about things that she, being Caroline, is probably not thinking at all. This is all about his ghosts.

It's the same with the cure. Just because he thinks it's the best for her, it doesn't mean that's true. Of all the vampires he knows, there are few who are so good at this as Caroline. She likes herself being this way, and he likes her the way she is. So why did he burden her with this?

"I thought you would want it for yourself." She says, and he wonders for a moment if he's projecting again.

He doesn't want it either, not now at least. The urgency that he once felt for being human isn't there anymore.

There are no guarantees about the life-span of a vampire (it only takes one enemy too strong and that's it), but if she can live for centuries, he wants to live those centuries by her side too.

The thought strikes him like lightning.

"Maybe my priorities have changed too."

Oh, he loves her.

He wakes up at dawn and she's still sleeping. Stefan smiles and gently pulls her hair away from her face. There's a peaceful expression on her face, so she must be having a nice dream, but it only takes a few minutes until she tosses in bed and opens her eyes lazily before her gaze falls on him.

"Were you staring at me?"

"No," he lies, "I just woke up."

She smiles and curls up next to him.

"I told her we'll be there on time for lunch."

"It's 6 am, I think we have plenty of time to spare."

"But we have to go shopping and get new Christmas decorations. That's going to take time."

Ever since the anti-magic spell was lifted, Liz went back to town, but Caroline divided her time between Whitmore and Mystic Falls, she is still a college student even if she is free to stay now.

The past month was by far the best time in his life (or it was after they managed to get the hunters out of vervain and compel them one by one to leave Mystic Falls. Damon and Enzo wanted to make it easier and kill them, Matt and Jeremy were not about to let that happen, and it took a lot of talking and appeasing from him and Tom to get to that final solution).

Anyway, the town is theirs again, and there's no one trying to kill them. It's easy to be drawn by Caroline's enthusiasm for the holidays.

Christmas used to be meaningless after turning into a vampire and losing himself. What was there to celebrate when he and Damon had fallen apart, or when he was a killer who couldn't even control himself?

The truth is that Stefan had tried for many years to remain as human as possible, but never succeeded until he came back to Mystic Falls trying to find out about the girl who looked exactly like Katherine Pierce (for that, he'd always be grateful to Elena), and he'd never felt as content as he's in the present moment, holding the woman he loves in his arms.

"Earth to Stefan," Caroline raises an eyebrow, her big blue eyes looking at him with curiosity. "What's going inside that head of yours?"

"I'm thinking we've never celebrated Christmas at the Boarding House."

"Do you want to move it there?"

They are supposed to go to Liz's house.

"We could do that next year."

He's more optimistic about a future with Caroline in it than he's been about anything else in his life, so much that it's reprehensible, because life isn't kind to her.

When they get to Mystic Falls, Liz isn't feeling well, and Caroline insists on going to the hospital even though her mom tells her it's not necessary. And the thing is that the medicine can temporarily alleviate her pain, but it doesn't change the fact that she is starting to get worse.

"I should have convinced her to go for the chemo."

"You know she didn't want that."

And it's been five months since they found out about the glioblastoma, five months in which Liz would be suffering for what exactly?

He pulls her into an embrace. "You are doing all you can do, that's making the most of the time you two have now."

His heart aches as he hears her muffled cries against his shoulder. "I don't think I will ever be ready…"

To lose her. She doesn't finish the sentence, but he understands. He caresses her head softly, just holding her until she stops crying and slowly puts herself together, back to that smile she tries so hard to give to the people around her.

"I think she's done talking to the doctor. Why don't I get you some coffee and we go tree shopping? That's the next thing on your list, right?"

She furrows her eyes. "Were you spying on my notebook?"

"You left it on the bed when you went to take a shower this morning."

"That's so not true."

"This is her favorite time of the year since she was a kid," Liz tells him, as if explaining how the house is sparkling with red, green and gold the next day.

Stefan smiles and crosses his arms. "I can see that."

"I can't believe we'll be decorating the town tree together after all!" Caroline smiles, walking down the stairs with a huge box in her hands. "But first, our tree."

"If you had all this, why did we go shopping yesterday?" He can't help but ask.

Caroline sighs. "We only got ribbons and lights, these are the important ones."

"Okay, I'm going to make us some hot chocolate while you educate Stefan on this." Liz addresses Caroline, but pats his arm as she leaves for the kitchen.

"So we're going to Mystic Falls tree decorating ceremony tomorrow? Is that on your agenda?"

"I can't believe you've never been part of that. Forget it. Of course you weren't, you were one step away from being the Grinch."

"Excuse me?"

She grabs a snow globe from the box and swings it in front of him.

"See? Not even good at Secret Santa."

Stefan stares at her, confused for a moment until it clicks and he remembers why she's even mentioning a secret santa.

Was it three years ago?

Of all times, in that particular period Stefan couldn't care less about holidays. He still lamented losing Lexi, and then the whole ordeal of the tomb (and Damon's obsession with finding Katherine) were all he had in his mind. Grief, anger, frustration. Not very Christma-ssy feelings.

But he was still pretending to be a high-school student to Elena's friends and the rest of the town, at the last minute he had felt guilty about not getting Caroline a present. Even if they were not close, it was obvious she cared a lot about these things.

Thus the snow globe.

It's laughable now, thinking that there was a day he was blind to the effect her cheerfulness had on him. She was right, he wasn't even a good Secret Santa. And yet, she kept this among the important tree ornaments?

It brings a smile to his face.

"I'm sorry." He hugs her tightly, burying his face in her neck, breathing into her scent. "I'm going to make it up to you."

She turns to look at him with a serious expression. "I was just teasing you. There's nothing you need to make up to me."

He raises his eyebrows. "We've been friends for two years and this is the only gift I ever gave to you. I don't think that's true."

She purses her lips, thinking. "But you recently gave me a birthday present so unique and rare that most vampires would kill for. So I'm giving you a pass for that."

Her face brightens with a smile and she leans in to kiss him. "I love you, you know that?"

He does, but he doesn't know what he's even done to deserve this kind of blessing.