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High in the halls of the kings who are gone

Jenny would dance with her ghosts

The ones she had lost and the ones she had found

And the ones

Who had loved her the most

Florence + the Machine, "Jenny of Oldstones"

54. SHE NEVER WANTED TO LEAVE

"Stefan, we're going to be late." He keeps kissing her collarbone and down her body, and she struggles to reason with him. In spite of her protests, she's still holding onto him (her body betrays her). "Stefan, we're going to be late to Bonnie's… party."

"Caroline, we can literally be there in one minute."

"Not looking like this."

She bites her lips when he looks up and the intense lust in his eyes is also her undoing. Ok then.

They end up arriving at the Grill only five minutes late, which is still on time, or so Stefan tells her.

He's the constant challenge to her punctuality.

Bonnie's birthday party is a success. Her friend is on friendly terms with Jeremy again, although they have not gotten back together. And Elena says her brother is planning to leave town after graduation, somewhere further away than McKinley. Sometimes high school sweethearts are not meant to last, and in cases like this it is good that no one stays with resentment or awkwardness.

Matt is finally getting over the whole Tripp thing and back to getting along with them, so she's glad they can close that chapter.

Caroline thinks she has a quite mature view on this subject, but then she's at the bathroom fixing her makeup and runs into Tiki.

"Caroline Forbes? I can't believe it. We don't see you around here that much anymore."

Because she's polite and this is one of her former teammates, Caroline smiles. "It's probably just a coincidence. I'm busy with college, but I always come home on weekends."

"Ah, of course." Tiki smirks and turns to look at the mirror. "So you're still friends with Elena and the Bennet girl."

Caroline frowns. "Bonnie."

"Yeah, of course. What's really surprising is that I saw you with Stefan Salvatore out there. Weren't you dating his brother once?"

Now that's an uncomfortable topic she doesn't want to mention, like, ever.

"That was a long time ago."

But Caroline already knows what that snake is going to say even before she opens her mouth again.

"You and Elena must truly be great friends. Exchanging boy toys and everything."

She pushes Tiki against the wall and glares at her.

"Bite your tongue everytime you even think about talking shit about me or my friends, do you understand?

"I'll bite my tongue…"

To think she used to get along with this person. Caroline shudders just remembering how easily she'd turn to girls like this whenever she felt left out by Bonnie or Elena. Thankfully, that's a thing of the past.

"Everything okay?" Stefan asks her when she comes back to sit by his side.

"Yeah, of course. I'm just thinking that next time we should hold these things at my house."

"What's wrong with our house?" Damon asks. "It's clearly much better than this place."

"Then you should have thought that better last time and told Enzo that feeding on guests isn't allowed. Bonnie is still pissed at you for that."

"And don't I know it."

"I'm in no way disagreeing with you, but expecting my brother to be the peacekeeper between those two is a bit out of reach." Stefan says, passing her the bottle of whiskey.

"Right," She gulps down her drink, enjoying how it burns her throat. "Which is why I'm leaving that to you."

"Wait, why?"

"You knew very well what was going on upstairs that night."

"He didn't." Elena says, joining their conversation and sitting on Damon's lap, "he was too busy glaring at you and Tom."

"Little bro was jealous."

"Did you say something to that sweet guy to make him pack his bags and leave so quickly after that?"

The funny thing is that Stefan does not deny it. Caroline remembers that he did try to compel Tom once, and although she doubts he would try something like that again, the grin still appears on her face (she's vain like that).

Well, she guesses some people's relationships move on faster than others, and she always knew that Jo would eventually have kids with Alaric, but god this is fast. When Elena tells her, she can't bring herself to say a word for a minute.

"Caroline?"

"Sorry, I was… thinking."

Elena sighs.

"I get it. I was surprised too, and did not react as I should when she told me the news. I mean, I'm happy for her obviously, it's just…"

"You want it for yourself too. One day."

Her friend nods, and suddenly Caroline feels guilty, because she holds something that could solve Elena's predicament, and does nothing with it.

"Maybe you should have it. The cure." Caroline has only told Bonnie and Elena about this. "Instead of just letting it waste away with me."

Elena shakes her head and smiles.

"No, Stefan gave it to you for a reason. Besides, how can you be so sure you won't want it one day? Just now, you were thinking about it too, weren't you?"

But that's only because of the twins. The twins that won't be hers. Before leaving for God knows where, Silas says that last time the whole vampire-pregnancy thing only happened because Kai killed Jo, but Kai is no longer in the picture.

Elena doesn't need to know about her double-memory problem, as Caroline has decided to refer to her condition. As long as it's under control, she doesn't need the cure. And Caroline has it under control.

However, she still brings up the 'what-if-I-were-human' topic to her mom the next day when they are arriving at the cabin, where they plan to spend the weekend.

"Would I be a horrible person if I say I prefer to be a vampire, even in the imaginary scenario that I could be human again?"

Her mom raises an eyebrow.

"Where does this come from?"

"I don't know. Elena's professor is pregnant. Alaric's girlfriend. I guess we were talking about the things we dreamed of when we were little girls…"

"Honey, as a vampire or as human, you'll always be extraordinary." Before Caroline can argue, she adds "I'm not saying this just because I'm your mom."

She sighs and puts the bags on the counter.

"What are all these books doing here?"

"Oh, Stefan and I came yesterday to tidy up the place, and he made a small selection, in case you get bored and want to read."

He only volunteered because she was panicking over it.

"You shouldn't have bothered." But her mom smiles and sits on her armchair. Caroline comes to sit across from her.

"Maybe I'm too greedy." She wants to have the best of both worlds. "Human life is so short, so fragile… I'm not ready to lose you yet."

In the end, it all comes down to this. The whole point of being human is to grow old together with the people you love, surrounded by your family. But her dad is already dead, and now she's losing her mom too. If she won't have them anyway, what's the point of living like that?

For months she's tried to keep it together and be strong for her mom's sake, but it's exhausting. It's impossible now. She feels the tears forming in her eyes, blurring her sight.

"You're supposed to be here for my college graduation; we're supposed to argue about flower arrangements for my wedding. We're supposed to have years and years worth of birthday dinners and Christmases."

Her mom is about to cry too. "I want that too. But Caroline, we have the time we have. I'm just glad that, no matter what happens in the future, I know you won't be alone. You have Stefan, and you have so many people who care about you."

"That's not the same."

"I know. However, I'm a mom so it's a relief knowing that you are loved the way you deserve. You're strong, Caroline, I'm so proud of the woman you have grown up to be. You are going to be fine."

Stefan joins them the next day, and they have lunch outdoors but spend the rest of the day watching Friends until her mom repeats for the third time that they don't need to stick to her for twenty-hour hours and kicks them out.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Again. The method she learned to calm her urges when she just turned into a vampire is the same she used with Bonnie when her friend woke up with nightmares during the first weeks she was back (Caroline got once a call from Elena in the middle of the night to go to the dorm because she didn't know what was going on).

"Care, breathe in. Breathe out."

Life is a downward spiral, and now here she is again, panicking, and is Bonnie who helps her to get herself together when she first receives Stefan's call.

"My mom…"

"You can still make it." Bonnie turns to Elena. "I'll go behind you by car. You go with her."

"Come on, Caroline."

Elena takes her hand and leads her outside the building and through the streets and the woods, right until they reach Mystic Falls.

Her mom has been in the hospital twice this month. Caroline should have known better and stayed by her side despite her mom's protests that she was not getting behind at college because of this.

"Mom, I'm here."

She's vaguely conscious of Stefan's hand on her back.

"Sweetheart, it's okay."

No, nothing about this is okay.

"Do you remember when you were learning how to ride a bike?"

Caroline swallows her tears and nods because she doesn't trust she won't break if she speaks.

She remembers that she was one hundred percent sure her mom was holding onto her so she wouldn't fall, but her mom tricked her and let go at some point. Then she'd called out her name and realized that she was doing it all on her own.

And so she fell and hurt her knees.

Because she had a gift for drama, Caroline had asked if she was going to die.

"I still need you."

Her wishes and needs mean nothing now. It's late in March, spring is just beginning, and her mom closes her eyes to never open them again.