I had this written a long time ago, so I would really appreciate your thoughts on this chapter.
Losing him was blue like I'd never known
Missing him was dark gray, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes
Tell myself, "It's time now, gotta let go"
But moving on from him is impossible
When I still see it all in my head
In burning red
Taylor Swift, "Red"
55. GOODBYE MY FRIEND.
People die all the time. Caroline is familiar with lost too, so much that she knows the routine to prepare for a funeral by heart. She knows how to prepare funerals better than she knows about pageants, birthday parties or weddings. It's sad, considering she's not even fifty yet.
Twenty. She's twenty. Right.
She wouldn't make it through the day if it wasn't for him. Stefan doesn't let go of her hand, and that's how she knows she's still there, alive and breathing and not just a shell parading in front of all the people who come to offer their condolences.
And he is still holding onto her at night, his strong arms surrounding her as she curls up in bed.
No one can protect her when she sleeps, though.
In her dreams she sees the red of their victims' blood, the people they killed after she forced him to turn his humanity off.
It doesn't matter if things don't happen in the exact same way now, because she remembers. She remembers the shame, and the guilt, and how she couldn't even look him in the eye after it ended.
Silas warned her about this, that the day would come when she couldn't take it anymore.
It's easier to pretend it isn't happening at first, because everyone is expecting her to be grieving anyway.
When she is silent and absent, no one thinks much of that.
Meanwhile, Caroline listens to Bonnie and Elena talking about college (they are trying to entertain her, it's so obvious) and she is wondering why Tyler hasn't come to visit her. Aren't they on friendly terms again? Matt repeatedly told her not to worry about that thing with Klaus anymore.
She needs to think twice to remember they have never been together in the first place.
Those are the simple, uncomplicated memories (the confusion is only because she's tired).
Another day she wakes up confused because she's not in her bedroom in the Boarding School, but this only lasts a few seconds.
The most difficult part is Stefan.
There's no way to hide her erratic heartbeats from him, and it happens often, when she sees him.
And at times she has trouble reminding herself that this is her best friend, her boyfriend.
He's Stefan, but he isn't.
Stefan is the one who made a promise to grow old by her side, to help her raise her children and grandchildren. Instead, she was left with black clothes to replace the white.
Stefan died a long time ago, so long ago that she's been getting wrinkles in her heart and becomes the kind of person who looks forward to dying much more than any woman of her age should.
"... and Jo are getting married."
"That's nonsense, Ric. Jossie is too young to get married."
Caroline realizes the slip of tongue when she meets Stefan's concerned gaze. Of course, he was talking about Jo and Alaric's wedding, trying to share some good news with her.
"Your dreams are getting worse."
She shakes her head.
"I'm sorry. I'm just tired…" She sighs and stands up, carrying her still half-full mug to the sink.
"Caroline, please, be honest with me."
"Like you were with me?" She snaps, and he's taken aback by this sudden anger in her tone. "I… I'm sorry. I'm going to get some fresh air."
And she vamps out of the house.
She is Caroline Forbes, twenty-years-old.
She is Caroline Forbes-Salvatore, forty-five-years-old.
She's a drama major.
She manages a school.
She's a daughter.
She's a mother.
Or she used to be.
She goes through this mental list to sort out what's her reality from what no longer exists, but even when her mind understands it, her heart can't.
It feels heavy, she drags it through the ground as she walks home. Living like this, she realizes, it's impossible. It's too much.
And there's Stefan.
He has done everything right by her, so how can she look in in the eye and tell him the truth, that just looking at him makes her want to cry until there are no more tears left?
"I loved you, and you left me."
This is not Stefan. Be it because of her actions or something else, he never abandoned her when Bonnie and Damon were gone, proof that things have changed, they don't have to repeat the same mistakes this time around.
Isn't a second chance a blessing?
There's no Kai, and there's no Lily. If she doesn't speak a word about it, then the Heretics will never be free, there won't be a Valerie. They don't even have to get involved with the Phoenix Stone (Alaric won't have a reason to look for it either) or Rayna Cruz.
They can even avoid the Sirens and Cade.
But there's the promise of the future, and there are the chains of the past. There were happy moments too, of course.
Caroline just realizes that with the course of the years, it's the sadness and regrets that take deep roots in one's heart.
So maybe this is why Stefan could never let go of Damon. She laughs at herself.
She should have taken the cure.
"I need to get out of town for a while. This… staying in this house is not helping at all."
He nods.
"Alright. We can do that. We can go wherever you want to go."
"Not you, Stefan. Just me. I need some time for myself."
From confusion to sadness to some weak acquiescence, she sees all of these emotions cross his eyes.
"I… I get it."
Silence surrounds them.
"Will you call me if you need me- if you need help?"
She tries her best to smile.
"Yeah… or course."
When she's back, there won't be a reason to be this sad anymore.
In spite of her attempt to be forward and do things right, Caroline follows her instincts and leaves in the middle of the night, when Stefan is sleeping. She doesn't even take her car because he'd definitely wake up if she did.
Her heart jumps when she still finds him in the outskirts of the town.
Then she frowns and keeps on walking.
Why doesn't this surprise her?
"I thought you were long gone."
"I was minding my business, but I can hear your thoughts from miles away. They're tortuous even for me, as an outsider."
"Don't you have to make a conscious effort to read people's minds?"
"That's the case, yes. But I've got this strange affinity with your head ever since you voluntarily let me in. It would make for some interesting research."
"You're the last person I want to be talking to right now."
"I know, it's this face, you went from love to hatred in just a few days."
She clenches her fists.
"I don't hate him."
"True, you only resent him. I wonder which is worse. I pity my shadow self, he can't even know what he did wrong."
Because Stefan has done nothing wrong.
Silas swings a keychain in front of her.
"Can't you just take the cure?"
"I would still remember. I wouldn't feel it so intently, but I would still remember."
She wants to be a normal vampire, she's not asking for too much.
"Do you want me to give you a ride?"
"Contrary to you, I can run quite fast."
"It doesn't mean you won't get tired eventually. And it's a long way from here to New Orleans."