Tonia: Next chapter will be Stefan's turn again. It might take a while because this humble girl has finally gotten a real job, so there's that. I think both Caroline and Stefan are insecure about themselves, they just deal with that in very different ways, so for Stefan to be pushed away in such a critical moment (and learn all what Caroline's been through?) is going to be hard.

Dreams fight with machines
Inside my head like adversaries
Come wrestle me free
Clean from the war
Your heart fits like a key
Into the lock on the wall

I turn it
But I can't escape
I turn it over

Fleurie, "Hurts like hell"

56. HURTS LIKE HELL

All she ever wanted in that past life was to meet Stefan again. So it was ironic here she was running away from him.

Maybe she'd been fooling herself, saying she understood when in reality she could never forgive being left behind like that (by yet another person she loved).

There's this period of darkness where all she could feel was despair.

"Maybe it's all that time you stayed dead. If you think about it, it's not very different from desiccating in the darkness of a shitty cave. You're conscious and sentient, but not able to do a thing."

'We are more alike than you realize'

"All I did was save my daughters from a situation where one of them had to kill each other. You made your fiancée create an immortality spell and then cheated on her."

"Do you honestly think she would still let me or Amara go if I just called off the engagement? The same woman who created the Other Side so she could torment me for eternity?"

That's a fair point. It still doesn't make him a good person, it just means both were terrible people.

"She once cut off the hands of a servant girl my father bought for me on my fifteenth birthday."

At times like this she remembers how old and disgusting all of these immortal (or former immortal) people are. Will others feel like that about her in the next hundred years?

"Ok, so Qetsiyah was a bitch."

"Definitely. She was also extremely talented, I give her that. You know who is not talented enough? Your friend Klaus. Even I cannot take out only the past life memories without affecting who you are now, and that's my thing. Why do you believe he can just compel you to forget?"

"Alaric did it with Elena, and he was just a newbie."

"So are you comparing Elena's what, six month relationship, with your lifetime obsession with my shadow self?"

Caroline tightens her grip on the steering wheel. She knows that too. But she still trusts Klaus a little bit more than she trusts Silas.

"No, you trust the other Klaus, you know, the one you had a thing for while your wolf boyfriend let you down. The good dad Klaus, sacrificing himself for his daughter. Oh, wait, I see a pattern here..."

"Stop reading my mind!" Caroline growls. "And put on the seat belt, will you? You're the one who might die if we have an accident."

"So you care about my safety? I'm so touched."

"Shut up, Silas."

"I'm sorry, love, I cannot do that."

"Please." She's not one to beg, but she will if she needs to. "Didn't you hear a word about what I told you? I cannot look at my boyfriend without feeling this… grief. It hurts so much I can't breathe. I cannot keep going like this."

Because what does she have if she can't have Stefan? Her mom is gone too, for the second time. And her friends…

Bonnie. Bonnie would never say it, but Caroline knew that she had wanted Stefan dead. It was understandable.

However, the wall that grew higher and thicker between them is back now, so how can they ever be friends again?

"If there's anyone who can deal with something like what you just told me, it's you."

"I told you everything I knew that could help your family in the future."

"Which is exactly why I don't want to risk destroying your mind like this."

"You said you owed me."

"And I'm repaying you by not letting you do something you will regret later on."

She sends him flying against a wall, and he lets her without retaliating. It only makes her angrier, because if he's not going to help her forget, couldn't he at least be the kind of violent man he's always been and rip her heart out while they're at it? Instead, he just lets her vent.

"Go back to Mystic Falls, Caroline. Why wallow in misery when you can be with the person you love?"

He doesn't understand. The apologetic look isn't enough for Caroline, who feels utterly betrayed. Is this it? For all he used to like her, Klaus likes Stefan more?

"I lost my time coming here, thinking that you could be my friend. Clearly, you cannot be friends with someone when there's no murder involved."

It's a low blow, and she can see it hurt him. Good.

Silas is leaning on the car when she comes back, with that big 'told-you-so' look on his face.

"I give it like three minutes before he calls his new bff"

She leaves New Orleans before he can snitch on her.

Caroline stares at the wedding scrapbook a bit too long, and of course Stefan notices it.

"We don't have to rush this just because of Damon's brilliant idea, you know that don't you?"

She sighs. "Of course we do. He's right, we need to lure Katherine and end this once and for all."

But she still wishes it was different. Perhaps it is because she was so close to having that June wedding she dreamed about when she was a naive, innocent teen.

He smiles at her, caresses her cheek.

"Then, what does the…" He looks down, "Caroline's wedding book say about honeymoon locations?"

"Oh, there are plenty of ideas, but the young me didn't go so far as to narrow it down."

She flips the pages with pictures of different cities in Europe.

"I think it'll be a good time to finally see the world together, what do you think?"

Instead of traveling because he's on the run, the offer he makes now sounds much better. Caroline says yes with a kiss.

There were good moments like that, too. But all those dreams and plans were just castles in the air, and so they are tainted for what followed after.

Caroline wakes up in the back of her car, and she's crying again.

"Shhh, concentrate, Caroline. Who are you?"

That man is like an annoying chewing gum stuck on her shoes, he won't leave her alone, even when she knows that she hates looking at him, a constant reminder of the person she's left behind.

Her home.

And at the same time, for all she hates to admit it, if Silas wasn't here she would have taken her ring and walked into the sunlight already.

That's what she should have done in her past life before she was cursed anyway, and all of this would have been avoided.

"Stop thinking nonsense. Who wants to be dead?"

"You literally killed a bunch of people because you wanted to be mortal and die."

"Well, yes, because as I said, you and I have much in common. But I changed my mind about being alive, so I think you will too."

No, she's too tired.

Tired of feeling.

There's an obvious solution for this, of course.

For someone like her who has control over her impulses, as long as she stays away from the people she cares about and doesn't cross paths with them again, this might actually be for the best.

"Silas, I think this is where we part ways. You should go."

"So you can kill yourself?"

She chuckles.

"So I don't accidentally kill you in the future."

He frowns.

"That's not a good idea. It didn't end up well the last time, remember?"

"I do. That's exactly my problem."

But if she doesn't care, then it won't be a problem anymore. Then, memories will be just that, pieces of information that don't provoke her anything.

Caroline makes that decision.