So here it is, a shorter chapter but I hope it works, let me know in the comments what you think about this story so far :)

Call all your friends
And tell them you're never coming back
Cause this is the end
Pretend that you want it
Don't react
The damage is done
The police are coming too slow now
I would have died
I would have loved you all my life

You're losing your memory now

Ryan Star, "Losing your memory"

57. 'I'D BE SO LOST IF YOU LEFT ME ALONE'

Now that he's back to the house in McKinley, lying on the bed they shared, Stefan's heart drops at the realization that her scent is slowly fading. It's not the same as it was last week.

She left a letter and it's not to say where she is, or even to say goodbye.

No, it's a short note to tell him that his mother is still alive, trapped in a prison world by the Gemini coven. Valerie is with her, too, in case he wants to look for them. But the Heretics are dangerous and his mother is in love with a scum of a man. Those are Caroline's words.

Stefan takes too long to register this (his mother, alive, being a vampire and a ripper, at that; it takes him even longer to remember who Valerie is) and by the end of it he's left with empty hands. Knowing nothing at all.

What's he supposed to do with this? (He decides to leave it for later, Damon doesn't need to know that part yet)

Most importantly, where has she gone?

"Believe it or not, I'm good at secrets."

It was so long ago, when she told him this. At that time, he had not known what she really meant. However, when she hesitated to tell him something, when his help was unwanted, not needed, Stefan knew there were unspeakable secrets in her heart that she just wasn't ready to share yet.

He really envies Silas, who can know all her thoughts, and all about that different life Caroline remembers but belongs only to her.

And he wonders if she's with him now, because no one has heard from Silas either since the day Caroline left town.

It's been a week and there isn't any news about her. She doesn't take anyone's calls, which is so unlike her.

There's no trace of her in New Orleans, either. And there's no way to find her with a location spell, and Bonnie has been trying her best (another reason to suspect she has a witch on her side).

She wanted her memories gone, that's what Klaus says.

When he offered her the cure to avoid this, (the moment when she would finally be overwhelmed by the dreams), Caroline didn't want it. He knows most of it was because she actually likes herself better being a vampire, but Stefan has also suspected it was because she wanted to have those memories. Now she wants them gone.

He only has questions without answers and that's why he does something that Caroline would probably kill him for (if she was here).

In the very first entry, she's already describing his death.

Did he ever tell her that nothing would happen between the two of them?

Of course he did. He was fascinated with Elena back then, and somehow he fooled himself into believing he could keep some distance and his facade in front of every other teenager in Mystic Falls. Caroline was just too young and oblivious to what she wanted to get into (funny, because he did not have the same consideration towards Elena then, and obviously threw it out of the window with Caroline later on).

So it was just something he said for her own benefit, to spare her from wasting time on him. But it's something that stuck with her for the longest time.

Months ago anyone asked him how or when he fell in love with Caroline, he would have trouble pinpointing the exact moment, as it happened over time, so naturally that he didn't even realize it until he was past the turning point. If anyone asked him what or why he loved her, however, the list could go on and on. Who wouldn't love Caroline?

There's too much that's just hard to believe about the whole rewind-life that Bonnie and Silas both have installed into their minds, but the part where he would still love Caroline or want to be with her in different circumstances is the only part that doesn't unsettle him in the least. She's always been by his side.

It's her love for him that's hard to understand. It's something that never made sense. Why would she love him?

Being selfish, Stefan just accepted this miracle as it came.

[But I wish that if I'm going to have these dreams so often, they would be about someone else.]

In reality, his very existence has been a curse to her from the beginning. The more he reads, the more convinced he is that this is the case.

His heart aches at this realization.

She's loved him for much longer than he could ever have imagined, and even though all those dreams only brought her despair and confusion.

Somehow, it would make sense if she didn't really love him, but only these memories of someone he might never actually become. But that doesn't make sense either, because the dreams weren't happy ones either.

So why would she love him?

Nothing feels real at all, except Caroline's absence.

"Hey! It's Caroline, but duh. You knew that, because you called. So, leave a message, and I'll call you back. Bye!"

By this point he knows she won't pick up his calls, but that's all he has to listen to her voice now.

It's been a year since that night when he almost lost her, and now it feels like it's happening all over again.

"Seriously, Stefan? Drinking in the middle of the morning? What would Saint Caroline say?"

"And since when have you become the judgemental one here?" He throws back.

His brother sits next to him, taking the bottle from his hands and drinking until the last drop.

"Our mother is alive."

"What? Are you that drunk?"

"According to Caroline, our mother is alive and in a prison world. I'm thinking she should just stay there. Go and ask the people from the Gemini Coven."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

It's not something he wants to tell Damon, mainly because Caroline has shared this with few people, but it's hard to explain how he knows this if he doesn't share at least some part of it.

"So our mother is a vampire and has been trapped together with some witch-vampire hybrids in a prison world. Of course we have to get her out."

Why does he even bother…

"I'm telling you that my girlfriend has lived through another version of this life and has been plagued by those memories, and apparently I am the main reason she went through so much pain so she wants to forget all about me, or us. Don't you have anything to say about that?"

Damon rolls his eyes.

"And I'm talking about our mother. You took flowers to her grave for the entirety of your human life, remember?"

Stefan sighs and buries his face in his hands. That's right. This is their mother they are talking about, and even if she did terrible things, just like they have done, there's no way he can sit there and do nothing about it. But then he thinks about Caroline, and how this particular secret she shared with him might affect her later.

"Besides, this all sounds like bullshit to me. So first, I need to get our mother out to prove that blondie's tale is true…"

"Bonnie also knows about this. Can't you just take her word?"

His brother frowns. "Ok, I'm going to have a talk with Bon-Bon. But still, where was I? Oh, yes. Second, let's say that's true and Carebear isn't just going nuts because she lost her mom, how can you be at fault for things you haven't even done?"

"I think she's better off without me."

After all, it's been a month and she took her 'time to herself' to a whole other level.

"You have stuck with this girl through thick and thin for the past year. So tell me, are you just going to give up now?"